So relieved I found you
Miniwhinny-
I hate it when people tell me that I had an easy childhood because I never suffered deprivations. Don't emotions count? I am so sorry you feel angry. I am not the angry type, as much as the mope and question my own worth type. But I understand where you are coming from. I haven't ever done intensive counseling myself, but I am considering it at this point in my life. Especially because my children have probably inherited 9/10ths of my behaviors and I don't want them to suffer.
I appreciate so much the advice of accept yourself. I am sure it's not easy, and am struggling with this concept. Maybe we can both set out on a TA for grownups program! I'll send some positive regard your way! Just want to say "hi" to everyone. I've just discovered this forum and I feel like I've moved into a town where everyone is like me. I'm literally in tears reading all of the posts and realizing that I'm not alone anymore. I feel like I've lived alone my entire life and for the first time ever I'm realizing there's more like me.
I'm a 51year old mon and diagnosed with ADHD two years ago.
My childhood was a living hell. My parents didn't accept anything less than perfect. I was never diagnosed as a child. Every single day I was told by every significant adult in my life that I was lazy, that I never tried, that it was all my fault that I couldn't do this or that because "everyone else knew how to do it " so I obviously never listened. I was hated in school by every teacher that came across me. My grades were terrible. I was always in trouble. My math skills are at a 2nd grade level and although I took required math classes every single year of school I was put at the back and never talked to because it all went over my head.
I have a genius level I.Q.
I don't have a lazy bone in my body.
Everything I do I try to do my best.
But I cna't sit still. I can't retain my focus. I can read a sentence and not know what I've read after going over it half a dozen times.
As a child I was lonely, ashamed, confused, depressed, sad and frustrated. At the point of my lowest self esteem my parents sent me off to boarding school...the final confirmation I needed that I was worthless. I've never felt so unloved, so alone, so worthless. If I was a good kid my parents would have loved me and kept me at home...that's what I thought.
At 16 I became bulimic it lasted for 8 years. I had control over that.
The only person in my life who knows I have ADHD and accepts it is my hubby.
Two years ago after 20 years of raising kids I decided to take my real estate license. It was at this time that I realized that my inability to ever sit still, relax, concentrate, listen or to just take it easy was something physical. After seeing a doctor I came out with the diagnosis of severe ADHD.
My Dad passed a couple of years ago. Two weeks before he passed he looked me in the eyes and said "imagine what you could have become if you'd have applied yourself". I've asked numerous people how they'd interpret this just to make sure it's not my sensitivity and everyone agreed. It would tell them that I'm a failure in his eyes. I could have become something that I obviously wasn't. This is the last thing I remember of him before he passed. I'm not good enough and it's all my fault. I can't tell you how this haunts me. It haunts me for two reasons...one is that you couldn't find a kid who tried harder than me and two because i'm disabled and he never did anything to ever help me.
I'm 51 years old and I'm still trying to be good enough for my parents!
So, here's my real reason for posting. I'm SO angry. I'm so angry that not one single adult in my life as a child took my side. Not one person EVER said "wait a minute"...this kid is smart. This kid isn't lazy, or stupid or bad. This kid seriously has something else going on. Perhaps we should gets some tests done to see if we can help her.
NOT ONE person EVER tried to help me. Everyone blamed me for my inability to learn. I'm so angry...how could no one have come to my "rescue" my entire life has been changed because of my childhood. I could have been helped. I could have been happy. I could have just been accepted.
Does anyone here know how to help me deal with this rage I'm feeling. Have any of you delt with this too? I talk to my mom every day on the phone and to this day she denies that I have anything wrong...oh I bet she can see it but god forbid that she could admit that perhaps she should have done something to help me - blaming me is way easier.
Thanks for letting me ramble. I hate for this to be my opening post but I've seriously found you in desperation.
Mini - So glad you found us here. I certainly understand your anger and you probably need to work through it with a professional (therapist). It has been my experience with those intense emotions that the only person it harms today is myself. And I can't work through them by myself. So, I see a therapist to help me with living.
One thing you have to keep in mind is that in the late 60s/early 70s, these kinds of behaviors (I was diagnosed as "hyperactive) were not well-known. Many parents of that time were still "old school" and were just naive about behavior disorders. It doesn't excuse negligence but maybe if they had the kind of knowledge that is out there today, they might think differently. I'm sorry that the last memory of your father is a negative one. That has to be tough. If your mother had to admit that she didn't do anything for you as a kid, that would be devastating to her and so it's just easier to deny everything. Most people have a hard time accepting fault - except maybe those of us with ADHD.
I would strongly urge you to seek professional counseling to help you deal with what happened (or didn't happen) to you as a kid and help you cope with your denying mother today. The important thing is that you accept yourself today. You know you're smart and not lazy and try harder than anyone. There's something to be said for that.
Keep reading these forums. They have given me hope and encouragement.
Thank you for your responses. I read your posts last night but wanted to wait until today so I could absorb my feelings. You both shared such wisdom and I'm taking it to heart. I think just being able to share has helped. I've never been able to do that before because unless you have ADHD you can't possible imagine what it's like. I actually feel a lot better today just from being able to tell someone who understands...THANK YOU
I may even take your advice about getting help because you're also right about these feelings hurting no one but myself...and you're right there too...if I told my mom how my childhood really was (through my eyes) it would hurt her. As mad as I am I don't want to do that. What good would it do?
I have a 9 year old nephew with a disability. He has no fingers. You can see that and while no one coddles him and there's nothing that that awesome kid can't do he has the advantage of his disability being visible. If he needs a support system people are there for him. ADHD is so silent, only the person with it feels the inward torment. I think my anger stems from being put down constantly for something I couldn't help or stop. It would be like my nephew being made to feel terrible day after day because he can't play the piano.
I think I have to turn this into something positive.
Thanks
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