long med break;think of starting again
Sorry, my story is long but it is needed I feel.
When I was a child I was diagnosed with ADHD for being hyper and bad speech (I couldn't pay attention to learn how to speak). From childhood through Highschool I took Ritalin. It was very effective, but I disliked the subdued attitude and compliance like feelings it gave me -- I felt as if it didn't allow me to express my true self. While on Ritalin I was able to focus well (the advantage) and I got really good grades throughout high school. When entering college at the Univ. of IL as a Computer Engineer major, I at first took my medicine as I should. However, I became lazy and stopped taking it. I found that I was able to still get good grades on all my exams (after all, ADHD does not directly effect intelligence) but I did notice that it became much harder to focus. Therefore, I decided to stop taking it. I figured that as long as I could do well in classes (I have a 3.7GPA right now) I don't need to take it. I would just take extra long on my work to make up for my lack of focus....and I would try to distance myself from distracting objects such as my computer. The only other side effect of not having a stimulant was that I was able to easily fall asleep in class -- I can fall asleep mid-sentence in note taking even after an appropriate amount of sleep the night before (I wonder if I have a sleeping disorder...). Anyway, until now, this all seemed to work out. I would limit the amount of technical classes I had so I could focus on them easier.
However, this plan also put me behind by a half semester from graduation. Then I proceeded to study abroad in Japan (best time of my life) which put me behind by another semester. So now, all my technical courses have caught up with me. I now find that this "lack of focus but you have time" strategy no longer works. So much so that I am doing unprecedentedly bad on my exams... 31%(average 55%), 55%(avg 67%), 80%(avg 80%) in three of my classes. I have never done below a standard deviation nor have I EVER got a 31% in my entire life.
So I started to think long and hard about what happened to me. I realized that my studying for the exams was highly unproductive -- I could not keep focus studying, and I also had trouble on the exam. While studying in the Library I can have my mind wander abruptly to thinking about the lamp shade in front of me, the sound of zippers closing backpacks, and other random thoughts that did not pertain to studying. Not only that, but my homework process was highly ineffective. I would meet with friends when I could and their presence would help me focus, but I would lag behind the others.
I know that I'm not stupid, and the fact that all this happened has made me quite upset with myself. Maybe I put too much importance on school, but it's part of how I define my life.
I also thought back to the internship that I have held for the past few years... I am able to do the tasks, but I have problems procrastinating them and not doing things that interest me. Luckily my boss does not place strict timelines on us so it has not come to issue too much yet.
So then I thought to myself, "aren't these your old ADD symptoms?" So I started to research ADD again... I knew that if I started to Ritalin again that I would really improve my situation.. but I feel that by taking Ritalin I have become weak. After almost 3.5 years of being off Ritalin I now must go back to it... I prided myself in being able to break ties with Ritalin. Not only that, the more research I did into Ritalin and discovering it's stimulant effects, I don't really want to take a stimulant again. So I started to read the threads on Strattera(Spelling?). However, the side effects seem pretty crazy to me especially knowing how effective Ritalin was. I am just afraid of what it will do my heart and brain.
So, I decided to give Ritalin a test period. I still had an unopened bottle, and I started taking half of my original prescribed dosage(10mg instead of 20) -- since my body no longer has a built in tolerance. I did notice a remarkable sense of focus after taking it. I was able to read almost 200pages in a novel for a class in the same span of time that it took me to read 20 pages (about 2 days). I just started taking it this week on Mon 3/8.
The only side effect that I am aware of that I didn't used to have as a child was chest pain. I am now getting chest pain in the center of my chest. It is quite annoying. I do have GERD an a hiatial hernia but I think it's not the cause as I take meds and off the Ritalin it is fine.
So I guess my question the community after explaining this all is if I should start taking my ritalin again or try harder to develop strategies with out it. I feel bad in a way for taking it once again, but it is helping. Also, the chest pain side effect slightly worries me.
Thank you for any advice and or comments about other medications etc.
--cisbrane
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