Play date problems | ADHD Information

My son had a classmate come over after school yesterday. The boys
have been getting together periodically throughout the school year,
taking turns getting dropped off at each others' houses. My little guy is
excited that his friend is visiting, but he doesn't know what to do after
the inital greeting and excitement of his friend's arrival. He doesn't
recommend ideas of what to do. I try to offer suggestions ("do you
want to play hungry hungry hippoes or with the castle") but my son
doesn't follow through with either option with the other child.... He
turns to me in the middle of a game to say "I don't want to play this
anymore" (I suggested he recommend a new idea to his friend).... If
he gets frustrated he cries and comes running and screaming to me (I
remind him that the rule is that we don't scream in front of friends)....

When his friend's mom came to pick up the other boy snickered his
mom "I had fun but he cried." My son had no idea that he was being
ridiculed, so he has zero sense of urgency to change his behavior.    

I feel like I'm on his back non-stop between coaching him on how he
is expected to behave, intervening with suggestions on how to
interact, offering incentives (rewards) to follow social rules, or
withholding rewards when he doesn't perform up to standard. I know
he needs help learning social conventions, but he has zero interest in
it. For example, when he doesn't get the reward he is mad at me for
withholding it rather than disappointed that he didn't do what he was
asked to do. I'm thrilled he's actually getting invited on play dates. It's
difficult to watch him sabotage himself socially, but not care.     

Anyone else feel this way? Any suggestions.    






    I can REALLLY relate! It sounds like something that could go on in our home.
It's so difficult. I'm working on a new plan now with a therapist, and getting
my son into a new social skills class- the facilitating on my own is
exhausting, so really need a professional setting once a week outside of
school for this. I will share whatever new things I learn for sure...hang in
there though, you're doing everything right!
By the way, I'd posted to you on another thread because our guys sound so
similiar. What has your medication journey now that you've landed in a good
place with one? We are about to start a third trial, this time with Focalin XR. I
know the meds will help him, because they have already, but the issues of
not losing his personality are the big concern so we're still searching for the
best fit. would love to hear how it was for you....We started in early December with Risperdal. It brought the stress and
commotion down a bit, but did not touch the hyperactivity or impulsive
behavior. Then we added short acting ritalin. It improved focus but did
not make enough of an improvement in his hyperactivity and no
improvemnt in impulsivity. We increased the dose but it brought on a
driven quality to his hyperactivity. Then we stopped Ritalin, and
started adderall. It worked well. We're in the process of stopping the
risperdal and then adding tenex to smooth it out. (I'm not certain what
"smooth" means - it's the doctor's descriptive word).   

I've found that home life is dramatically improved. Better mornings,
evenings, weekends. Prior to meds he and his younger brother (3 1/2)
spent the morning before school arguing, yelling, fighting. He's able to
entertain himself, and doesn't spend free time glued to my or my
husbands hip, complaining he's bored. Less time begging in front of tv.
More likely to play or draw with tv in background rather than making it
the main event. He struggles with playing with same aged peers
though, as stated in my original post. But whereas my main concern
used to be that life was spiralling out of control, now I'm able to hone
in on specific improvements.

My son gets social skills training at school as part of his iep. I've
witnessed the clinician conducting it in a classroom setting, such as
when he's involved in a group activity. He's no more responsive
(interested is a better word) to/in her intervention than mine, but he
doesn't get mad at her. Probably because she's not his mother!
There's not the emotional connection that he has with me.

He is "good at" playing with my best friend's children, but as he's
gotten older the girl isn't interested in playing with boys. He doesn't
know how to initiate with her anymore. While she's sitting in front of
me he'll say "she won't play with me!" and every.single.time. I have to
remind him of what to do and say to get her to play. And he doesn't
do it and just stays by my side complaining about it instead.

Why does it feel like other parents have it so easy?   

Hope this helps. thanks for sharing those details, and it does help. Curious about the
risperdol though, I haven't heard that mentioned too much here. What
behaviors would warrant that being prescribed? I'm keeping fingers crossed
that the Focalin XR does the trick, starting on saturday and nervous as
always when starting something new. wish me luck!

I don't know how old your children are - but playdates are a challenge. I found I have to plan to script the play date.  I have to have 3 or 4 activities lined up to help and I may need to participate. 

We make cookies, so that we can eat them later.  I find it helps to include lunch in the time period, as I can be in the kitchen and eating fills the time, I plan a craft for a few minutes, and talk in advance of the couple of activities that she should plan to do. 

It is not perfect, but helps.  Also don't plan the play date for too long.  My tharapist used to say a 1/2 hour, but that wasn't practical - but I try to leave it no longer than 2 hours. 

Another thing that helped was having something like legos readily out and in play.  The other child will often join in versus having to start by picking something.  I find it takes about 1/2 hour for the kids to settle into something that seems to work. 

@TverMom:
Great suggestions! I will use them.

@mommatrying:
We just switched out the risperdal for tenex this morning. The psych
said something i've read on this board, that unfortunately it takes lots
of tweaks to get the medication right.

    

We have the saaaaaaame issue.

we'll have playdates but all my son wants to do is wrestle or play cars and crash things.  At his age kids are starting to get into video games.  I dont have a problem with him playing video games but we have issues with our son getting VERY frustrated with those sorts of things.  He doesn't know how to play them and doesn't want to be taught either.  Then it mostly ends in tears because he "just cant do anything right!" 

I think what bothers me most is that WE are always seeking the playdates out. Noone ever seeks us out.

I love my son sooooo much..  He has such amazing qualities.  But I sit and watch him during playdates and interaction and although he is very sweet, he can just be smothering to the other child and then the child just gets annoyed and looks to me for help.  I have to contantly coach my son on social do's and dont's but he doesnt get it.

I'm sure social classes would do him a great deal.  I wonder if our school system offeres it.  I'll have to ask