OMG I am at my boiling point!!! | ADHD Information

Hi
Parenting ADHD children is 110% all of the time. Everyone on this
board can relate to the days that you describe, full of tension,
arguments, and battles. You are a good parent, trying to make the
best of a very difficult situation.

Your days sound a lot like my family's used to be. My son is only in
kindergarten so our daily challenges are different from yours. I'm sure
the parents of children your age can offer advice specific to homework
time. Life got easier once we found a medication that is a relatively
good fit. My sons psychiatrist says it takes trial and error to find a
good fit. I wrote a day in the life similar to the one you shared with us
for the psychiatrist to understand how rough our days were.   

On another note, my mother has MS. She struggles with exhaustion
beyond what the rest uf us can understand. Hugs to you!!

OK  So Hi my name is Michele and I am a mother of a 9 year old son who has ADHD.

My son, Shawn, has had ADHD since first grade and we all stuggle every day to even make it through the day.  Let me explain a sample day to you and you can see where I am:

7am I wake up and go into m boys room to wake them up for school. ( I have a 6y too)  50% of the time he gets right up, the other 50 I have to almost roll him out of bed.  He comes down the stairs and starts getting dressed.  This is when the fighting starts.  He either wears clothes that are dirty or his bothers clothes.  Normally he gets them ready the night before and I check them but even then he still puts on something different.  So that is when the fighting starts.  I tell him that he can't wear that andhe has to go upstairs and change and he throws himself on the floor and crys or stomps up the stairs in our apartment.  By time he comes back down the stiars he is angry as am I.  Then he gets his meds for the morning. He is on methalyn untill he can learn to swallow he concerta.  After that he brushes his teeth and gets his shoes on.  He eats breakfast in school.  Then about 10 minutes before the bus comes I call a backpack check.  This is to see what they are trying to sneak to school.  Mostly a gameboy.  THen there is more fighting.  Finaly he goes to school.

3pm  He gets home happy and I tell him to start his homework.  He is ok with that and i think maybe today he will be ok.  He brings his homework over and something is wrong or his handwriting is unreadable.  Then he gets angry and stomps over to the table and almost ripps the papre to erase.   Then I get angry and just ry to breath.  He shows me his homework again andit still isn't right.  Thisis when he crys and said he didn't learn it in school and so on.  So we argue over what he learned in school and how to do the homework.  Of course I am never right with it so I send a note in asking if the changed the way cause it does happen.  She writes back no I was right and then we argue more.

7pm  Showers...he never wants to shower and he talks back and rolls his eyes and then goes up or a shower for like 3 minutes and is done.  Sometimes I let it go others I don't.

8pm BED!!  and it is never bed he is up 7, 8 times to go to the bathroom playing in his room sneaking a gameboy. 

By 9 oclock I go to bed.  I havee MS and have to do shots.  I am tired all the time and have constint headaches.  Now i know this is not about me but my husband works alot to support us and now that 2 of us are on constint medication he has to work more.  I am just so tired of everything.  I can't fight anymore and even want to just say whatever where he is concerned but know i can't.  The school helps as much as they can with him but I just feel run down.  Then because of all the fighting and arguing I feel like a horrible mother.  He can be the greatest kid at times but i rarely get to see it.  I feel like giving up.  Please help me I don't know what else to do....

Keeping a schedule helped a lot with my son.

Also, I stopped arguing with my son. If he could calmly state his case I
would listen to it. If he made sense and there wasn't a more pressing
need we could negotiate. If he started fighting, yelling, or whining
negotiations were over and we went back to my original plan.

I highly recommend reading the book The Explosive Child. It outlines a
plan which gives kids control so they can take control. Once we started
doing it regularly it was fantastic. The hardest thing was trusting my son
to do it - and he did do it.

Sounds to me like you're just in a negative rut. Changing things is hard,
but you can do it. Don't try to take on everything at once - pick one thing
to change at a time. Maybe use a chart or the marble system to reinforce
positive behaviors.

Let us know what you've tried as far as behavior modification and we can
help you tweak your technique.

Best of luck to you!

My son was diagnosed last week. I feel like I'm new to a group like this but a veteran at the same time. I hear you, Michele. My son is alot like yours. This is my first forum group about this because I just got done sending him to bed because I couldn't fight with him all night long to get his homework done. I get the fits and the erasing thru paper too. I just don't know how to handle it. I was so ready to just run to bed and start crying when I decided to find a group to talk to. Its hard. They aren't kidding when they say its takes 110%. Now that my son has been diagnosed i've been reading as much as i can and i think i'm jsut overwhelmed.

I know you say you've hit your boiling point but i think we're just going to have to learn to cool ourselves down and get ready to boil again later. Hopefully later rather than sooner.

 

The beginning is really really hard. But it gets better. Try something easy
to start and don't get discouraged if it doesn't work.

Read up on the marble technique. It works so well for tons of kids
(doesn't quite work for my son because he hyperfocuses on it). And if
they've seen Harry Potter and house points, they more or less know how it
works.

And if you see something here you want to know more about - like
hyperfocusing or executive skills or the IEP process, anything - start a
new topic about it to get some feedback. Educate yourself.

And vent. You'll never hear garbage about "what kind of parent" you are
here - we know what kind of parent you are, a darned good one who
loves your kid enough to do anything to help him.

Hang in there mom - it gets better, I promise!

Thanx Corrina. It does help alot to get that positive reinforcement and knowing there are people here that are just as lost as I am but desperately wanting to do right by their child. Tonight was just a tough night. It makes you appreciate those not so tough but still tough nights.

The beginning is very hard right now cuz i just need to find a starting point. he's been diagnosed and now what. i just read and read and there is so much information i just don't know what to do.

i dont't think it helps that the doctor said this could be hereditary if you know what i mean. :D

Thank you all for your support!!  It is good to know that I am not the only one.  Being the main parent for my son is very hard.  I understand that my husband works and am darnproud of that but sometimes I hate that he is the good guy and I am always the bad guy.  When do i get to be the good guy??  I think i am just afraid that he is going to look back on all this and see that i was mean and that his father was the best.  It just isn't fair!!

 

I was reading about the marble thing and am deffinitly going to give it a try.  I tried everything else so I'll try this and see how it goes. On an off note this is a good morning!!

Hi Silverbelle990 and welcome. I also have an adhd 8 1/2 yr old son only diagnosed approx 5 months agon and on meds approx 3 months. I can totally relate to all that you posted. I have to agree with what Corrina said regarding the marble system (or you could use tokens). There's loads of info on the post re: marble system. We are going to start that next week and I'm doing up a chore chart whereby they will earn pocket money. Then I'm going to do a marble or toekn system for the behaviours I want to see ie: doing homework as required, using good manners, going to bed on time, sleeping in their own beds, getting dressed for school in clean school uniform  etc..........all the behaviours you want to happen and they earn a marble. Example: 10 marbles = reward, 20 marbles = higher reward etc.......I'm also going to cut back on my son's time on the pc, Wii, ps2 etc...........and give him an allowed time per day however, can earn more time through the marble system.

Do you notice any difference with your son with the med's he is on? Could his med's need adjusting/changing? I know you said about waiting till he could swallow a particular med but maybe getting the med's right could make a huge difference.

If your son is having difficuly getting to sleep at night, is there anything that will help him go to sleep. I know some people use melatonin (not sure if that is correct name as I have never used it) and others say epsom salts in the bath before bed to help relax etc.........Is there something he could do quietly in his room till he gets sleepy like read a book?

My brother-in-law has MS and I see what he goes through. You also need to take care of yourself so maybe find something for yourself that will help you feel better (ie: afternoon nap whilst kids at school).

My heart goes out to you as we are having very similar issues as you are except I don't have MS but I don't look after myself and that's half my problem. I run myself down to the ground so much that Im constantly on edge and snap at the kids (and hubby) over trivial things. I know I need to take more time out for myself and that would definately make me a better parent.

Best of luck and as I said, Corrina is right about that marble system being something you should definately try. Good luck!

 

A tip about rewards - money means absolutely nothing to my son, so it
wasn't a reward he was interested in working toward.

It worked best when his expectations were finite and clear, and when he
decided upon his goal. We called them his "weekend privileges" and it
would be something like, go to a movie, go to a certain playground, play
a board game of his choice. Getting a ride to school (vs the bus) was a
big motivator for him, and it cost nothing. For my son, doing stuff
together actually was a much bigger motivator than money.

Also, make sure that giving the reward is priority number one. For a
while my son wanted to watch a certain cartoon, and if he earned it, I
moved heaven and earth to make sure he saw it - left family events,
stopped shopping before I was finished, nearly got a speeding ticket.

Find out what your child wants - not what you expect they want - and
offer it as a goal. Magic might happen.My son also had problems swallowing pills until I started giving them to him in a spoonful of applesauce. We had to do that for years until he finally tried to use water and didn't gag. You may
try yogurt too. Heck, if ice cream works, try that. I would guess if you could get him on Concerta, you would notice a difference with homework.

I get my son up about 20 minutes before he has to start his day and give him his Concerta and a booster of Ritalin. We do this so that after his shower, he is so much more reasonable and our
mornings go smoother.

You may also want to talk to your doctor about tenex. For my son, this is amazing. It really reduced the irritability and hyperactivity.

Forgot to mention that there is a book out that has really helped our family. It's called From Chaos To Calm. It gives real life suggestions to help with these types of situations. Great book.

I will definitly look for all the books that were suggested to me.  Untill I found this forum I felt so alone.  It is good to have other people whose children have adhd give advice as opposed to those who think they know.

With the concerta we tried to take it once before the methalyn.  I put that darn pill in everything you cn think of and he could not swallow it.  I alked to his school and gave them a pack of tick tacks to see if maybe it was an environment thing.  The nurse is willing to try and say that he has his good days with no problems and that he has dfays when it sits too long in his mouth.  When we tried the concerta first and he did get the pill down our days were sooooo  much better.  It was better for him and us.

I tried a few reward programs a while ago with him and really none of it seemed to work.  So i eventually stoped doing them.  But with the kids off this week I am definitly going to try the marble reward method.  I just have to write out a reward plan so that it states what he gets for this and what he gets for that.  I really hope this wroks.

Also I have never heard of tenex.  What is that?

Tenex or the generic guafacine is a blood pressure med used to treat ADHD symptoms usually with a stim. My son Is 11 and I can remember back to the days of which you are speaking lol. He is finally after years of refusing meds, on Concerta 72mg, Zoloft for anxiety 50mg, and we just started Intuniv, a long acting tenex. just 1 week and a half into it  and we are hopinf for the miracle everyone claims. yesterday he went from 1mg to 2 mg dr check next week maybe up to 3mg maybe stay at 2. we will see it takes up to 4 weeks to see full results. I am seeing a calming in the afterschool drop from the Concerta wearing off (around 5pm) but mornings we still struggle as do you especially with the getting dressed thing aarrgghh it is terrible. we have a reward system where the only thing he cares about is cash that is it. and some video but we are trying to wean him off so much game playing. Middle school is very hard for him and the grading system here stinks,his therapist is meeting with his counselor and all his teachers Monday to discuss an alternative. he is an honors A+ student but gets D's and F's because he forgets to turn in already done homework and does not complete projects. very frustrating. both books are great we have the explosive child and it was a good one to read. I too am disabled physically and this makes for things even harder. it will change. one day he is now taking 4 pills every am before nothing. He had to decide to make it better. good luck to you.

wow! there's alot of posts and good advice. I'm going to think about the marble system. my son isn't too into money either. i think time together and going out is more what he likes. so i'm definetly going to try that. i am also working on a chore list...not sure what chores to give to a 9 year old. myn son isn't on medication as he was diagnosed a week ago and i'm a hopeful parent about his ADHD not being to the level where he needs medication. only time will tell. we have a good psychologist helping us out with the school. I'm going to probably have some appts myself with a therpist or something to help me cope and make sure i understand my child and handle the pressure.

Everyone on this forum is so awsome and so willing to help. its really a big help