I don’t know WHAT to DO!! | ADHD Information

I became a parent almost four years ago, to a child who is biologically my nephew. He was one month old exactly the day that I got him, and he'll be four years old in August. About five months ago, I was diagnosed with ADD and bipolar disorder, and things have just continued to get better as far as I'm concerned since I started taking medication.

Last week, my son (he will always be my nephew biologically, but in my heart, and in his, he is my son) was diagnosed with ADHD. I wasn't really very surprised by the diagnosis...it's something that's been in the back of my head for quite awhile with him. I'm trying SO hard to figure out what to do with him as far as discipline is concerned, and I'm at my wits end! The last few months, he's gotten VERY destructive, tearing up his favorite books, breaking his favorite toys, completely DESTROYING his bedroom SEVERAL times a day. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to spank him...for one thing, it doesn't seem to work with him (even at the age of 3, he doesn't cry when he's spanked) and for another, if I spanked him EVERY time he did something like this, I'd be spanking him all day long! I've heard that ADHD kids need organization, so I even took the little bins in his room and drew pictures on the front so he'd know what goes where, but when I tell him to clean up his room, he says he doesn't know how. And he's really distressed by it...it's like he WANTS to, but he really doesn't know HOW to. My fiance and I are becoming increasingly frustrated, and I can't stand it anymore! My fiance has three children as well, ages 11, 6 and 4, and he's REALLY having a hard time not understanding that my son is different from the rest of the kids, in the way that he understands things, and so we have to deal with him differently.

If there is ANY advice that ANY of you can offer me, I'd be SO thankful!

The first thing to realize with ADHD kids is that they truly are "wired" differently.  We have two boys, 7 & 4 and our 7 yr old has ADHD and our 4 yr old has no issues.  It's been a real struggle for us & sometimes unbearable until we finally started meds at age 5.  I'm not saying meds are the answer but they sure can be of help to at least get their brains in a place where you can get thru.  Even on meds, our 7 yr old is not capable of going into the toy room to HELP clean.  Our 4 yr old can do it all by himself.  I have to tell our 7 yr old specifically the items I want him to pick up (literally make a pile in front of the bins and tell him to put that pile in the bins) and it takes him forever.  I can list off 3 or 4 things (all the trains, all the cars, all the books, etc...) for our 4 yr old to put away & he will do all of them in half the time & ask what comes next.  The point I'm trying to make is that our 4 yr old is capable of more focus than our 7 yr old ADHD child on meds.  Spanking & time out never worked for our ADHD'r, he was oblivious as to why he was in time out by the time his time was up & spankings did nothing.  ADHD kids do need much more structure & organization and by labeling the bins, you've got a good start.  But telling him to go "clean his room" may not be enough, just like I can't tell our 7 yr old to clean the toy room.  Maybe start out by specifically telling him which items to put in what bin and work your way thru the clean up process one bin at a time, rewarding on a sticker chart each step of the process.  Maybe set a timer for a reasonable amount of time--for him--to get the job done.  Error on the side of too long so that he easily reaches his goal at first, making him feel successful & then fine tune it as you go.  Have a goal & reward preset with the sticker chart for cleaning his room, such as a certain number of stickers by the end of the day earns him a special treat or reward that he will enjoy.  Read through the marble system, it (and variations) will give you ideas to work from.  Reward systems seem to help most with the way our ADHD'rs brains work.  They have so much trouble as it is and so many of them just want to please and be good so rewarding them seems to make the difference, rather than focusing on the negative since so much of ADHD is negative anyway.  Our son was struggling with proper behavior in school & it was really going downhill so we, along w/his teacher, came up with a similar sticker chart for every single part of his day, down to the minute detail of packing his backpack at the end of the day.  He has 18 squares thru the day & we set a goal each week for the number of stickers we want to see.  If he reaches his goal each day, we've come up with small, meaningful rewards for him each night, things as easy as 1/2 hour of puzzle time with just Mommy, etc...  So far, it's really been working well & his days at school are much better, they usually aim to please.  What suggestions have been made since his diagnosis?  Therapy, meds, etc...?  I guess the advice I can offer is to work very closely with his doc's and be your own advocate as well.  Know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, it will take a lot of hard work & many things you try may not work but keep trying.  Eventually you find what works and when you do, all of your hard work will be worth it and there will be more happiness.  Good luck!   

So far, I've gotten a few ideas from other parents, but I haven't had a sit down with his Doctor yet. He starts therapy on the 26th of this month, and I'm looking forward to that. Your idea for the sticker chart sounds like it might REALLY work, and I think I'm going to give that a try! I'll also try to give him shorter, more detailed instructions, like putting all the blocks in the block bin, etc. Thank you so much for your insight and advice!! :-) I totally agree with epokey's advice! To say "go clean your room" to our son would send him into a tailspin because it would be too overwhelming. Specific tasks, one at a time, is the only way to go. And A LOT of praise along the way. Spanking or yelling never worked for us, but positive reinforcement does. Also, he responds MUCH better to visual prompts rather than verbal ones. We used a sticker system, and also the marble system. There is also a great wooden "responsibility chart" by Melissa and Doug which isn't too expensive and he loves it (got it on Amazon.com). Getting a diagnosis is just the first step in a very long journey, but please know that all of us here have gone, and are still going, on that same journey. We all understand, and this board is a great place to get advice and support. So hang in there, and welcome! Make sure you keep us updated after you meet with the doctor.My son would blow up if I put him in a "time out" - containment of any sort
drove him over the edge.

Charting (a sticker version of the marble system) worked really well before
he started school.

In general, my son responds to the carrot better than the stick - give him a
goal and he'll meet it; "discipline" has no effect on him whatsoever.

Best of luck to you!OMG Logan'sMom...what you just said about spanking not working because of SID...I just got it!  Our son was diagnosed last fall with SID and I've just put it together...no wonder spankings never worked!  We don't spank much but now it makes sense why it didn't/doesn't phase our DS...I never even related that to SID.  Thanks!  I feel like a dope that it's not something I even thought of! Makes sense now huh?  You're very welcome!Being ADHD yourself, try to put yourself in his shoes.  If someone told you to "clean up your desk" which has piles of papers, would you be able to?  Kids with ADHD need lots of guidance and support.  They need lots of praise for even little things. (adults with ADHD need these things too, LOL)  All of us with ADHD need things broken down into smaller pieces for us to deal with.

Your son sounds soooo much like mine!  Spanking never worked for us either.  One main reason was that he didn't feel it or seem to mind it most of the time.  Looking back now I can see that this was a clear symptom of his Sensory Integration Disorder.  He didn't feel things the way he should.  He didn't feel pain like other kids and he sought out all kinds of "deep pressure".  Most of the time this translated into him being "rough" with other people unintentionally.  Occupational therapy has helped tremendously with this!

Unfortunately NOTHING worked for my son until we started medication.  Discipline didn't work. Rewards didn't work...he just wasn't in control of himself!   Once the medication was stabalized, his brain slowed down enough that he really started to learn from rewards and discipline. 

I agree with the previous posters about the room cleaning.  My son has horrible problems with cleaning his room!   I can't tell him to "go clean your room" because he gets very anxious and basically has a panic attack.  For some reason it's just overwhelming to him and he panics.  I usually tell him I'll help and that calms him down a little.  Then I assign him a specific task like "You put all the crayons in the box".  He reacts to this much calmer.  We still struggle with it but it's getting better!

Welcome to the board and I hope we can be a help to you!