Frustrated ... where do I go from here | ADHD Information

 My son 12 was diagnosed at 8 with adhd and is being treated (although not diagnosed with bipolar).  In the past two weeks, he has slapped me in the face because I was correcting him about the way he was talking to me and has attempted to hit my 3 yr old son and 9 yr old daughter (thankfully I walked up when I did).  I am afraid to leave him alone with either of his siblings.  We never know what will set him off.  My daughter loves to sing and he will get so mad at her when she is singing.  I have explained that she sings because she is happy and that he should try it, it might make him happy. 

We are seeing the psychologist tomorrow and I am hoping she can shed some light on what causes the frustration/anger or point us in a direction for help.  I am also waiting for the pyschiatrist to call back.  My son currently take s 40mgs of Strattera in the am and 5 mgs of abilify in the evening.  I have started giving the abilify earlier in the evenings, instead of bed time to curb some of the frustration and anger that he has.  It has helped some.

Sometimes, when I am talking to someone about the situation, and I listen to what I am saying, it sounds as though I am talking about a spoiled rotten child.  My son is far from spoiled.  We don't give our children everything they want.  While my younger two accept they can't have everything, my oldest will continue to beg for things and when we don't give in, he says we don't love him and that he should not be a part of this family, "Why did you have me?"  "I should just blow up and die".  How can a 12 year old have such feelings?

School, well he just hates school.  I have to pay an after care service to get his homework done, so that there is no fighting about it. 

With all of this being said, he can go to a friends house and they will tell me what a joy it was having him there, that he was so helpful and they wish their kids would be more like him.  Why can't we see that side of him more than the frustrated angry child.  His teachers say the same thing. 

It makes me very sad, I don't know what to do anymore.  I read these message boards all the time and I see that most are going through the same thing.

Sorry for the rant, but I needed to get this out there somewhere.  Maybe someone has a suggestion.

I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time.   We have dealt with a lot of anger and frustration in the past.   My daughter was great at holding it together at school and then let loose at home.  It was scary at times.   For us,  a good therapist and the right medication at the right dose have made a huge difference. 

When is the last time you looked at his medication?  Perhaps it is time to try something new. A suggestion - read The Explosive Child. I'm obsessed with that book -
seriously it turned my son around 180 degrees. It's hard to read though,
because it's so easy to relate to and so scary to think about how bad it
could get. And it's hard to do it, to just step off that cliff and trust your
child, but it works.

It sounds like he's holding everything together when he's outside of the
house and then just completely falling apart at home. It's a small
comfort, but I'm sure he does it because he feels safe and that he can
relax.

I'd say that you need to get radical. What you've been doing isn't
working. It's not your fault - it just doesn't work. So chuck it. Start over
from scratch and see what might work. Try the marble technique. Try
the carrot routine - find out what your son wants and give him reachable
goals that hopefully help him make new habits in order to get his reward.   
See if there are any triggers, like certain people or not being able to
watch certain TV or some other soothing activity, that you can help him
sort out. You started when he was 8 - he's changed a lot since then,
what didn't work before might be exactly what he needs now.

What are his symptoms? How are his executive skills? What's his diet and
exercise schedule like? How's he sleeping? Is it being exacerbated by
puberty? Is he being bullied? How do you make him know you're on "his
side"?

I only have one child, so I can drop everything to fix problems as they
crop up. What it comes down to is this - don't give up. Don't think he
"should" be something; help him be the best person he is. You're at the
crossroads. Don't let everything slip away.

Best of luck to you!The Explosive Child is a great book.    I also agree with Corrina's other points.

At it's worst, we had to get very hard core with my daughter.   Our therapist has a philosophy where there are two types of behaviors - never's and dial downs.   Never are exactly that - things that are never tolerated - for us that was physical violence.  Dial downs - are behaviors that you'd like to reduce in duration and frequency - stuff like yelling.   Any physical violence - against people or objects - had very severe consequences.   At one point pretty much everything was removed from my daughter's room expect for her bed and clothes.    After one particularly bad incident - she had to spend the entire weekend in her room - all activities were canceled.   For her this was awful because she hates to be alone.   But she got that we were serious and had very few bad incidences after that.  Two years later, we have an occasional issues here are there,  but it is nothing like it was.  With all of this,  we did a lot of work with emotion coaching and talking about what she was thinking/feeling and appropriate way people act with those feelings.

 In addition to all the work with the therapist,  changing medications and adjusting dosages made a huge difference.

Hang in there - it does get better.

Yes, I think it is time to rethink the medication.  I think the pyschiatrist has been reluctant to try some of the medications that require blood testing every three to six months due to the fact that I pay out of pocket for all of his dr's and medication as we do not have insurance coverage for this.

I have tried the marble system, mom bucks, paying for grades, we made up our own baseball reward system.  We start off were it is easy to get rewards, but when it gets harder, he just gives up.  I have taken the most import things away, playstation, tv, computer and he just finds something else to occupy his time.  I guess the cleaning out of the room and absolutely nothing to do for a few days is worth a shot.   However, when it is something that he wants, he is relentless and will eventually he give up.

One guarantee is that I will never give up.  I know he can be such a sweet and loving child.  He was prior to our third child being born 3 1/2 years ago and then it went down from there.

I'll have to look back in my notes for our therapist's recommendation for the relentless asking.  It was basically along the lines - the more they ask - the less likely they are to get what they want and/or you make it "expensive" if they keep asking.   For example, if they want to watch XYZ on TV,  you say no,  they continue to ask again,  they maybe it's no TV at all for the next day.  Sort of a diminishing return philosophy.

With the marble system and etc,  didn't work in our house.   They all fell apart after a few days - especially if they were complicated.   The system that worked for us was a simple chart where we worked on only ONE behavior at a time.   For us,  we worked on compliance.  Every time, she did what we asked - no matter how big or small - she got a tally on a chart.  Once a tally was earned,  it was hers.  We never took them away.   Once a certain number of tallies were earned,  she got a rewards.  In her case, she wanted her DS back,  so she worked towards that.  Why this system worked for us was that it was simple and straightforward.   Catch her doing good,  she gets rewarded.  It was all positive and non of the negatives of taking way tokens or points.   Our kids sometimes have so many negative interactions with us,  the more positives we can have the better.  It really makes a differences.  They don't feel like this kid that always gets in trouble.   One on one time with just your son, doing what ever he wants also helps  this too.
Definitely, you have to take one thing on at a time. It's too difficult for a
child with ADHD to try to remember 15 things at once. Stick with one thing
until it's a total habit and the chart or whatever is a joke - it's a given. Also,
your son is old enough to have a say. Ask him what he thinks his biggest
problem is, and work on that. The more you involve him the more likely he
will be to participate.My son is very intense. It takes a very laid back kid to tolerate it enough to
become friends. Lots of kids reject ADHDers very quickly because it's
exhausting to be around them when their wound up. Tell me you can't
relate to that.

Well, I have not given up at all.  We have been to see the psychologist twice since my last post and things are still about the same.  Surprisingly, he might possibly make the A/B honor rool this last semester.  He still is fighting us in doing his work, but I have prevailed so far.  I am thinking that it is time to see the psychiatrist again.    He has such a negative attitude towards everything(dad has a negative attitude about everything too).  Maybe its time to revisit the medication and see if it is time to change it, or possibly puberty is kicking in.  I just wish the turmoil would settle down at least somewhat.

I've noticed in reading so many of these posts is that the ADHD kid seems to always say they don't have friends, no one likes them.  I just don't understand that.   I know and have seen that my son get very frustrated with his friends and I have talked to him about it.  Is it that they just can't control it or won't.