All of the above are great suggestions. Here are some of the strategies we have used for my 10 yr old son (15 mg Focalin XR): put him in morning care before school each day so he can run around the gym and meet other kids from the school that he would not otherwise interact with--bite the bullet and invite kids over for playdates instead of waiting for those calls to come in (they never do)--put him in park district soccer, chess club at school, Indian Scouts with his dad--asked the school to select an 8th grader to act as a 'mentor/big brother'. Once a week, my son meets with this older boy for 45 minutes in the science lab for just hanging out time. It has given him confidence and provided a role model.
The whole aspect of missed social cues and difficulty establishing and making friends can be part of the adhd diagnosis. It bums me out that my son does not have a best friend, and does not seem to be making the connections that I feel would enhance his life, but he seems okay with it.
Just a perspective on the switching schools. My friends daughter is currently in 3rd grade. She struggled for 3 years (K-2) to fit in with her classmates. It was a really tough class in terms of friend dynamics and such. Her interests and like don't fall in line with the "typical" girl. Her mom struggled really hard with the decision to keep her at her current school or switch. They decided to switch schools. For them, it was the right choice and she is so much happier this year.
Well, we have the medication going well (10mg Focalin) and have noticed a HUGE improvement in homelife/mood etc..............but.............there's always a but............he came home from school yesterday very sad. When I asked him about it he told me that he doesn't have any friends and today one of his 2 "kind of" friends was mad at him for grabbing the ball in gym. My heart aches for him.........he is such a sweet natured and kind boy but it seems as though he is "pegged" by his peers.
Now I'm questioning why I spent SO much time worrying about putting him on meds and in the meantime have hurt his ability to make friends. He is in second grade and it seems as though he is "stuck" in the eyes of his peers that he's been with since K. I could cry for him because I wish that kids would not keep judging him from his past behavior.....which was typical ADHD behavior.....bossy, loud, etc.
How do I encourage more friendships for him? The school has a lunch bunch social skills group which helped a little but not enough. The phone never rings for playdates and the mail never brings birthday party invitations. Oh, how I wish I didn't wait so long to get him medicated.
What can I do to help him?? Part of me wants to enroll him in the local catholic school for a fresh start, but I'm not sure if that would make things worse. At least he's familiar at his current school even without acceptance from his peers. He has so much anxiety as it is that to move him to a new school might ruin him. I'm really stumped as the "Momma Bear" who wants so badly to help her little "cub". Nobody ever tells you how hard this part of motherhood can be.
Thanks so much,
Andrea
Matt age 8 - Focalin 10mg
Oh Andrea, I feel so sad for you. The worst hurt as a parent is when you think you can't make things better for your child! I can see this coming for us as well. He's still in kindergarten now so kids are more "forgiving" but I can already see things changing with their attitude towards him. And even though he's on meds and focusing much better, he still is a little different because of the PDD, and always will be.
Now...what to do about it. A couple of suggestions...I would get him involved in as many organized activities that you can - cub scouts, gymnastics, church youth group, karate, really anything that he shows an interest in where there is adult involvement. Also, could you try sending a note to school for the teacher to give to one child requesting their parents call to set up a one on one play date at your home? We've done this since alot of the neighborhood kids really don't pay much attention to our little guy because he's not athletic and bikes, baseball, and soccer is all they want to do. But don't be discouraged if you don't get a response from the first few parents (we didn't but I kept on trying till one worked out). I made sure the children who came over (individually) had a terrific time and I closely monitored to make sure Kendal was acting appropriately. That carried over into school and gradually made things better. Another suggestion...would you have time to go into his class as a volunteer just so you could see for yourself what is going on? I do that occasionally and, as much as it kills me, I make a special effort to include and be extra nice to the class "bullies" and encourage interaction with Kendal. It really does work!
And lastly, STOP blaming yourself!!! None of us want to put our kids on meds and often wait as long as we can. You're a terrific mother. Remember that all kids get picked on and teased (ours maybe a little more!) and it's our job to make sure they come home to a safe, happy, secure environment where they know they are loved unconditionally. The kids that don't have that, even if they have friends, are the unfortunate ones, not ours! I've read often about some of the most famous artists, scientists, actors, etc. that grew up as the "oddball" in school and may not have had many friends early on, but succeeded beautifully in life.
Good luck, and I hope today is a much better day for Matt!
Reading this post is like looking into the future for us. My son is 5 and starting K in the fall. And like one post said at that age they are still "forgiving" which is true, it's also true that these kids are starting to pick up on things as well.
We also dont get invited to playdtes. We are always the ones picking up the phone and calling around. Which I know this is what I have to do to help my son out socially, inside I just hate it. It's not me, but I'll do whatever I have to do. I'll probably end up getting involved witht he PTA as well when it's time.
We started our son in soccer and swimming. That has helped. Swimming he likes better I think. Soccer usually ends up in tears for some odd reason.
I feel for you soo much. Please keep us posted.
We made "family friends". By my becoming very involved n the PTA, I met other mom's with children the same age as my son. We became friends & I would have the whole family over for pizza & playdates. They would then have us over & b/c they were our friends, they were more "forgiving" of my sons "difference" & I was there to help guide if there was a problem.