Lost and dont know what to do | ADHD Information

I have a five year old son that is very loving when he is not struggling with his adhd. The problem that I have and why I am reaching out for help is that I can't stop him from urinating in his room, and destroying things when ever I turn my back. Please help I don't know what to do. I feel I have tried everything I can think of.

I'm sorry to say that I don't know what to suggest really.  You're not alone though, and there are people here who have been n this a lot longer than I have so they may have more advice.   I guess I mostly just have questions.

Has he been diagnosed as having ADHD?

What exactly have you tried?  meds, diet, eent, etc

If you think that by just being a really, really good parent you can fix this for him, you're setting yourself up for a lot of guilt and quite possibly failure.  By that I mean that it's not your fault!  Bear in mind that behavior modification methods that work very well on most kids can have little to no effect on an ADHD kid.  Natural consequences are all very well and good, but when a kid's brain can't slow down enough to predict that consequence no matter how many times it has come, it's useless as a deterrent. 

I guess the point I'm trying to make is if you haven't already, get professional help.  And hang in there, don't let anyone make you lose sight of that wonderful, oh so loving side of your son.

Oh, man, do I remember those days...wait it wasn't that long ago. My son would be hyper-focusing and wouldn't want to stop to go 10 feet down the hall and use the bathroom. He finally, finally figured out how mad it made me when he peed on the floor...so he'd hide it (even inside toys, or under a stack of books) but would still pee in his room. If he was outside, he would just stop for a minute and pee where ever he was.

He wasn't diagnosed at the time, and I was just told over and over to use a consistent time out (1-2-3 magic). I truly wish that I had heard of the marble technique, or sticker rewards. It might have made it easier.

I don't have any advice other than to tell you that my son stopped doing it around the same time he stopped wetting the bed at night, near his 6th birthday. Hope that is a lucky number for you, too!

I'll second the opinion that normal behavior plan: consequence/rewards do not work well with DS (highly impulsive and hyper).  He has done things like this also.. possibly 3-5 times he has urinated outside the potty. (On his sister's pjs, sister's bedroom wall, on his own floor, etc.)  He just turned 7 and we are starting to see a little bit of a maturity jump (THANK GOD) and are working hard on one behavior at a time.  Definitely find their currency and work on only one thing at a time.  Rewards seem to work better than consequences.

Good luck!

 

He has been diagnosed with adhd and he is on meds. I was never told that normal consequences would not work for him. The doctors have been telling me different things to try with him. All things I feel you would try with any kid.
For my son any sort of traditional punishment - like being sent to his
room - doesn't work, to say the least. He goes completely psychotic.

What does work is to give him a goal to reach. Read the post about the
marble technique - we use a variation on that. He can gain daily points
by being within behavior parameters, gain extra points with spectacular
behavior, and lose points for negative behaviors. When he reaches a goal
he gets a prize. Right now he's working on getting to 100 points so he
can get a video game. After he gets it, he will come up with a new goal
and he'll get a new target.

We started with shorter term goals. He would earn "weekend privileges"
like going to a movie or something. We would decide on one thing to
work on for the week and use a sticker chart to record positive behaviors.
Then he could see his progress throughout the week, and he had an
immediate reward.

He's in therapy on and off. He goes when we hit a wall, then he works on
one specific problem (right now he's learning how to deal with bullies
appropriately) and when he gets that down he graduates and stops
therapy. I expect he will do this process his whole life.

Finally, I strongly suggest you read the book The Explosive Child. It's
hard to read, because it's so relatable and it's so scary that you could end
up where the example families do, but it made a 180 degree turn for my
son.

It outlines a process for dealing with out of control kids. First, you hear
what actually is the problem for them. (The example in the book that
stands out for me is a little girl who refused to go to the movies with her
family, and when they finally asked her why, she said she was afraid it
was going to be too scary. Broke my heart.) Then you tell them why you
have your opinion. Then you let the child come up with a solution that's
fair to everyone.

Giving up that control is really hard, and so is trusting your son who has
been turning your life upside down, but it really works. And my son
doesn't get to go through that process every time - I'll tell him bluntly
that he has to do what I say, and this is why, and no arguments. And
because he knows I will listen to him when there is some wiggle room,
he's okay with me telling him what to do when I have to.

Best of luck with this process. Try everything, and keep doing whatever
works for your son.

How is his doing other than the urinating?  Does it seem like his medication is worked except for that or is it possible that he needs some adjustment?  Is he having other behavior difficulties?

The previous posts have such good advice about behavior plans!  I truly wish I had found this board when I was new to this! Let me first say that NOTHING works for my son unless his meds are working properly. If everything is working then the marble technique works wonders for him.  He has a goal (like buying a toy) and when he gets enough marbles for good behavior he earns the goal.  Also, the 1-2-3 Baby Magic works well for him.  The time it take to count 1-2-3 lets his brain think about what he's doing....well most of the time anyway! I'm sorry I don't have any specific advice for the urinating but it sounds like he's hyperfocusing.  If the meds are off that could cause hyperfocus to go out of control. Good luck and hang in there!

Okay, so I have a suggestion that might seem counter-intuitive. First, let me ask, do you live in the city or the country?  If you are in the city, in an appt. or a house? I ask because we live in the country and I have always (since we moved into this house) let my son pee outside. I know a lot of people will be grumbling about children not being animals, etc,etc, but it solved a problem that was not worth the battle. My son has always been afraid to be alone in a room. He is not afraid to be alone outside, though. Soooo...the peeing outside idea developed.  We have a wooded lot and he will pick a tree to hide behind, and go. He is much older now and rarely does this anymore, but when he was small he would actually sometimes ask to run outside to pee. He stayed dry, the house stayed dry, and he was in control of himself. Just a thought.

If you live in an appt, maybe you can revive the old practice of a chamberpot. Slide one under the bed, let him know that it's okay to go there, and put the control in his hands. I guarantee that eventually he will embrace the privacy of the bathroom, but until then a chamberpot could save your carpet and your sanity.

Also, if you feel that this is an issue he can control and is acting out by peeing everywhere, maybe you need to have a negative consequence. Maybe Pull-ups need to make a reappearance if he chooses to pee somewhere unacceptable. Just for use at home, though. Our kids have such notable differences from their peers that adding to them where others can see is not the best way to go.

I hope that you can find a solutions to your stress soon. I know that it feels like these problems will never pass, but they truly will. Good luck to you!