Odd sexual behavior in 13 year old boy? | ADHD Information

So I am nearly at my wits end.  I am the long time girlfriend of a guy who's 13 almost 14 year old son has adhd.  Things are up and down as I think is normal with an adhd kid.. but recently things have been getting pretty bad.

About a week ago, my boyfriend caught his son on the floor with his shorts down and the dog standing over him.  He was absolutely shocked and horrified.  He talked to his son the next day about it and beyond that let it go.

Fast forward another week.  The boy's mom calls/texts my boyfriend (her ex husband) to inform him that she caught him with a toy in the bathtub(it was one of ours... but we generally lock our bedroom door.. so we think he must have gone in there and found it when snooping for his gameboy).   For reference, the boy is with his mom Wednesdays after school and overnight, and every other weekend.  Anyway, my boyfriend talks his son.. not really sure about what was said.. but.. anyway.. he discouraged the behavior.

Last weekend on Sunday, my boyfriend gets another call from his ex saying that she found remnants of fecal matter on the handle of a brush..(again after a bath).  The kid denied it of course and came up with some lame excuse about how it was dirt. 

Finally... last night.  He gets another text from his ex saying that he had a taper candle with him in bed.  That he had seemed unusually excited to go to bed that night and because she was actively looking for things now.. she checked in on him and found him with the covers off and his shorts off... and again he denied it.

Now.. I don't know if this is normal behavior or not.  My boyfriend is absolutely devastated.  He doesn't know what to do about it.  He doesn't think that counseling would help because the kid won't open up to the dr and tell him anything.  I suggested that maybe he (my boyfriend) needed counseling to figure out how to properly deal with this situation....

I am not sure if this is adhd related or just hormone related.  I think that it might be perfectly natural but I am not sure.. I've never been around teen boys before but I do know that I was experimenting at 13/14 years old myself.  The problem is with this kid is not only is his growth stunted (he ways maybe 65 lbs.. not sure how tall but he's only a little taller than my 8 year old daughter)... and his emotional maturity also seems very stunted.. so to actually wrap our minds around him as being almost 14 (in July) is very difficult to do.

The main reason I am posting here is because I have absolutely no clue what to do and how to deal with it.  My boyfriend is so stressed out about it.. and I want to  help but there really isn't too much I can do other than be supportive of him.  I figured maybe someone here could give me some information as to where to turn to to help deal with this sort of thing, and whether or not this is normal behavior or not.  Would counseling help?  Also, does it sound like he might have been molested or something and that's why he's experimenting anally? Ugh...

Thank you for any and all responses..


Masturbation in kids is not abnormal.  It's actually quite normal.  So is the snooping.  Kids are naturally curious about their parents private lives.  I remember snooping in my parents bedroom and coming across my dad's "girlie" magazines.

I would discourage the snooping because that's crossing the line of respect.  In general, discouraging masturbation can cause more problems, but the behaviors of the candle and hairbrush things are quite unusual.  It could be possible this boy is either being sexually abused (or has been) or is in a homosexual relationship.

I agree, they probably both need counseling.  There's more at play here than just some disturbing behavior.  You really can't do much more than be supportive.  This is the boy and his father's issue.  Unless the father asks you to become more involved, don't.  But feel free to ask here.  If you don't know where to go for counseling, the school may be able to help guide you.

No, not ADHD related.  Some of the sexual stuff could be hormones but the expression of sexuality usually isn't manifested in a hair brush or candle.

I agree, the very FIRST thing that comes to mind is that this child has been sexually abused. And masturbating is "normal", it just isn't discussed.

I also agree that a professional needs to be brought in so that everything works out for the best for everyone involved.

I always say this, but please, come back and update us how things are going.

Thank you!

I guess the unfortunate reality that all of us face with our adhd kids is that while their general maturity lags, it seems that the sexual maturity is still on schedule. 

This behavior is completely normal, both the masturbation and experimenting with anal stimulation.  It falls under the "to each his own" category.  While anal experimentation can be a red flag for abuse in younger children, by his age it's not likely.

Your best bet is for your boyfriend to have a straightforward talk with him about all of it at a time when he has not been recently caught in the act.  It can be good to do this while driving or performing some mundane chore so they have an excuse to avoid eye contact. 

The boy may also feel confused about the anal aspect (many men like it, but the social stigma can really mess with their heads) and your boyfriend should stress that it is normal to experiment with that and that it does not mean he's gay.  Most importantly he needs to help his son understand that he can injure himself shoving random objects into orifices that they were not designed for.  Probably also a good time to talk about condom use as well, even if he's not yet having sex with someone else.

Other than that, remember to always knock (and leave enough time for him to get his shorts back on) before entering his room.  And as a way to keep him from appropriating household objects for other uses perhaps some sort of appropriate object of his own could be left in his room one day while he's at school?  Weird, I know, but you wouldn't even have to say anything about and it may keep you from worrying about him accidentally hurting himself.
 

Wow, tough one. Exploration is perfectly normal, that's true. It's also true that you don't want him to hurt himself. So, someone's going to have to man-up and have a no-holds-barred talk with him about sexuality, what's appropriate at his age and what's not. If not his dad, then a therapist, regardless of what dad thinks about how kids relate to therapists. I have an adult son who, as a young teen, was very interested in his equipment, and I have MANY nephews. I have never heard of anal exploration in adolescents in the absence of abuse. I would really have to delve into that, regardless of the possible painful outcome. Whatever the outcome, he needs to know that he has someone he can talk to about what's going on.

"...I have never heard of anal exploration in adolescents in the absence of abuse..."

I have.  I'm in jaderock's court on this one...and though we may hold the minority opinion on this point, I think those who disagree aren't allowing for the broadest scope of adolescent imagination fueled by raging hormones. 

If his dad isn't comfortable or able to talk to him....why not mom? 
For the kid's sake, I hope both parents have (or develop) good enough rapport with their son to be able to explore the issues jaderock outlines. 

Implicating abuse as the only possible explanation for this behavior is, in my layperson's opinion,  potentially far more harmful psychologically to both the kid and his parents than his unorthodox use of a candle!
Hi, Can I first say I feel your pain!
I am the step mother of a 12 year old boy who has ADHD for 6 years. My husband and I have 80% custody so he spends alot of time at our house. He has always shown typical ADHD traits but in the last few months it has really gotten out of hand and I seem to be the only person that is trying to help him.
I'm sorry but I do not feel that the incident with the dog is "normal" sexual behaviour. I caught my step son with his pants down and our poor dog with his nose in his bottom, in our home!
Other than the obvious problems with this act such as hygiene etc, it was the fact that he did it without any thought of his actions, ie: I might get caught. He just felt like it and did it. I find that I have to constantly watch him, if he is quiet or out of ear shot he is generally doing something that he shouldn't.
I cant watch him all the time and I am concerned that this will lead to other incidents. Do I need to lock up my animals!??
I am seeking professional help for him but this all takes time and I am worried about how to handle it in the mean time.

Lee6271,

Does he take medication? If so, is it working in your opinion? I wonder if meds are in the picture if he is on the correct dosage AND med?!

He is definetely going through puberty and that gets in the way of the effectiveness of medication, btw. But it isn't an excuse for any behavior that just isn't right.

I also agree that talking to a professional certainly cannot hurt. In fact it may help in ways you didn't realize.

Good for you being an awesome "mom" to him, sounds like he needs you!

Hang in there, and keep doing what you are doing, paying attention to him and his needs.

Post us any updates!

Thank you for the reply,

Due to his lack of concentration and constant disturbance in class I have in the past had him medicated on dexamphetamine. This seemed to have a positive impact initially but as you mentioned the older he got the less effective, the Dr wanted to up the dosage but really at what point are we just doping them up to mask the problem?

I then cut out the medication and switched to natural fish oil, not really sure if that did much at all, but at the time I was also picking up unfinished work from school and trying to help him complete at least some work.
I must note this child is highly intelligent however in the last 6 - 12mths he has regressed to the maturity of around an 8 year old and he has high school next year!
I have 3 children of my own 15 - 21 and have never experienced this before, I have no support from any direct family members as they all seem to be blinded by love.

My husband and his former partner separated soon after he was born as he learn't she was secretly taking drugs, this also occurred during pregnancy and I feel this maybe a main factor in his condition.
My husband was granted custody, but the family then babied him until I entered the picture. If he ever did anything wrong, ie: break something he was told not to touch, the standard response was " thats ok, it can be fixed' and a big cuddle to follow.
(try telling that to my great grandmothers table at our wedding  )
I really need to find a way to educate the whole family, his grandfather is the only one who can see what I do and tries to support me but his grandmother has final say. Even after being diagnosed she insisted they were wrong and get a third opinion, every teacher he has had tries to work out a plan to try and teach him but they all fail, even to the point of threatening to get me up to his class to do his work with him just to try and get one sheet of work done.
Anyway, thanks for the opportunity to vent and I'll keep you posted!

Note: to top it off my in-laws live OPPOSITE our house so if the bad step mum annoys him he just pops over the road.

I had time only to skim the threads, but giving these children medication isn't masking the problem.  These medications affect the amount of neurotransmitters in the bloodstream, allowing the ADHDer's biochemistry to become lilke that of a non-ADHD person.  Research has shown that an ADHD brain looks different than a non-ADHD brain.  However, when taking a stimulant, those brains look the same. 

I know this isn't the point of this thread, but I want to correct that misconception.

As for the original post, good for you for being willling to step in and address some questionable behaviors.  Normal exploration is fine.  Bestiality is not.  There are people who would pretend that they hadn't noticed because they don't want to deal with it.  He is lucky that you and your boyfriend are not that way.

Mom2ADHDboy40450.570162037

Lee6270,

Kids with adhd are 30% behind maturity wise so that is why you see regression with his behavior to his age. Also, so many adhd'ers are intelligent, it seems to be another "symptom" of it. They  may have learning disabilities, however, they are still very, very intelligent, if not brilliant.

Also, my son has been medicated since he was shy of 7 and he is now 13. He never would have been able to be successful with out his meds. I honestly think it gets harder for them staying organized with all the school work and homework.

I would talk to his doctor and rediscuss the med conversation. Once you find the right med and the right dose, not too high or too low, he will be successful.

Is he in 7th grade right now?

BETHANN40451.1437384259