New and Need Your Expertise! | ADHD Information

Hi,

I am new to the world of ADHD and desperately need help, reassurance etc.  My son will be six this summer and is finishing up his kindergarten year.  Academically, he is doing great in the subjects he loves--reading and math above grade level.  He hates writing and is at grade level.  We just finished a year of occupational therapy to work on his fine motor and trunk skills--he did really well with his OT but she would often have to work very hard to "bring him down" so that they could do his therapy.  He has had a wonderful teacher this year who has worked with both my son and I, but she sat me down a few weeks ago and said she thinks he needs to be evaluated for ADHD.  I have always known that he is very active, extremely fidgety, has great difficulty concentrating on things he doesn't enjoy, has tons of what I called nervous energy (twirls hair, chews shirt, bites nails), wanders away from his seat in the classroom and at home, bounces around the room, is always moving and going. He is incredibly impulsive (touches hot stove etc.) and has a temper that really flares when he is frustrated--like he still cannot control himself.  He is so easily distracted and gets off task easily.  It got to the point this year where he just wasn't doing his independent work and was disrupting others.  He has the desire to do well--in fact, he told me he didn't want to ride the bus anymore because it was too loud and too hard to be good (his words).  He also told me it is really hard for him to behave, but he thinks it is easy for other kids. 

He is very loving and sweet and loves to learn, and his teacher is afraid that, unless he can get his behavior under control, he is gong to get the wrong teacher one day who will crush his spirit--I, too, am afraid that if he is told enough times that he is not a "good boy", he will lose his desire to even try to behave.  I am also fearful of the social ramifications of being disruptive--I don't want him to lose his friends.

I have always run a very structured household, because both of my kids do well with structure.  I have tried to maintain a consistent system of rewards and punishments while still being a loving mom, but I still feel like a total failure as a parent.  He has pushed me to my limits many days, and I am so worn out. 

My pediatrician gave me the Vanderbilt forms for the teacher and I to fill out, and I certainly understand this is only the first step.  I have so many questions, and I feel so alone in this.  I live in a crazy area where no one would dare admit that their family is dealing with anything but perfect behavior, perfect report cards, perfect marriages, perfect everything!!!  I just don't know where to start or who to turn to!

So, can I ask some questions?

Who should I have evaluate him?  A pediatric neurologist?  An educational psychology practice?  A behavioral pediatrician?  I have all of these in my area, and I am not sure where to go. 

Not to get ahead of myself, but why am I so terrified of medication?  A family member is a pediatrician in another state and has talked through the various medications with me.  But I am still terrified--I don't want the meds to take away his special "spark". 

Why do I feel guilty?  Did any of you feel this way?  My son has other medical problems that I have taken in stride and empowered him to do the same (food allergies, asthma and others), but this has totally thrown me.  I can't stop crying; I just feel so afraid for him, and I feel incredibly vulnerable.

I realize this is a forever-long post, and I am so sorry.  If any of you have worked your way to the end here, then thank you!  Any words of wisdom would be most appreciated. 

Thank you!

You're very welcome and please let us know how your journey is going! Best of luck!

First of all I feel your pain sooooooo much and I'm sending big hugs!   I have been EXACTLY where you are right now and it can seem really scary and so exhausting!  But let me tell you there IS light at the end of the tunnel and it DOES get better!  Let me try to answer some of your questions:

The main issue with the evaluation is to have it done by someone who is experienced in ADHD.  We used a child psychologist that worked in conjunction with our pediatrician for the eval and the beginning of the meds.  We quickly moved to a psychiatrist/psychopharmacologist to get the med "cocktail" right.   I know that's not a very specific answer but I've heard many people on this board that have used each of the types of docs you mentioned.  I would call around and see who has the most experience with ADHD and go with them!

I think all of us here at one point were terrified of medication and depressed that we were even considering it so what you're feeling is very normal! The best advice I can give you is to read on this board as much as you can.  Read other people's success stories and it will literally change your attitude toward medication.

For my son, medication is the ONLY thing that has EVER worked for him!  My son sounds a lot like yours except mine was going through these things at 3!  He wanted so badly to be a "good boy" but he just couldn't!  It didn't matter what technique we tried or how hard he wanted to be good.  He COULD NOT control his behavior. He was so impulsive and hyper and the meltdowns...

Medication has changed my son's life! (and mine too!)  It allows him to slow down and think before he acts and regular parenting techniques work much better.  He enjoys life now (he didn't before and neither did we!) and he's truly happy!   His self esteem is much much better.  Other people now get to see the wonderful little boy that I always knew was in there!  If the medications take away your son's "spark" then they are not the right meds! That is never acceptable and you/he doesn't have to put up with it.  The medication journey can be long and very complicated but it is SOOOOOO worth it once it works! It's just a matter of having a good doc and as much patience as you can muster and it WILL work out.  I used to be in tears on a regular basis because I felt so lost and helpless...I can't think of the last time I cried becaue of this! Hang in there and keep us posted. You are among friends here that really understand where you're coming from!

 

Logan'sMom40325.6790277778I sent my son off this morning for a sleepover at a YMCA camp with his sixth grade class, something I never thought he'd be able to do. Six years ago, I was where you are now. At the time, I felt guilty and angry and terrified of mind-altering drugs. I even homeschooled him for a while to get him away from two useless and bullying teachers. We took our time, had him evaluated by a psychologist (that's who does it in our area), seen by a psychiatrist, and then waited about 8 months to start meds. We tried all the other things: omega 3's, elimination diets to check for allergies, behavior modification after behavior modification, reward systems, some kind of natural paste thing that tasted like crap, we tried them all. As third grade approached, we started Adderrall and had a blow-up. It was terrible for him. I said okay to changing meds one time, and if that didn't work, he'd be homeschooled by me until 18. It worked. Focalin XR works for him. He started third grade with a teacher who had boys of her own, who really understood my son and admired his intelligence and personality. He's been doing really well ever since! We've only had to increase his meds twice because of growth. He is very creative artistically and musically, and he's funny! His meds haven't taken away his spark, it's cleared away the junk so people can see it even better. Like Logan's Mom, I used to cry and try to find the blame for this in myself all the time. Now, I can't remember the last time I cried about ADHD. Please know that you have done the best thing you could do for your son by investigating this disorder. Whatever decisions you make, it's clear that you will make them with his best interest at heart. Remember that old saw: it's a journey, not a destination. Good luck! Every single word you've written could have been written by any one of the parents on this board. Even if the circumstances aren't exactly the same, the emotional turmoil is similar. I agree with the advice of the previous posters and just wanted to add my best wishes to the mix.

You've come to the right place for emotional support as well as good advice. Good luck to you as you start your journey down this road. It CAN be frightening and it DOES make you approach things in a unconventional manner. But there is beauty to be found in looking at the world from a different perspective. I hope you find the same to be true. Things would have been so much easier for me if I KNEW things would be
better some day. Today they are. Good luck to you in finding a solution for
your son!Wow.  Thank you all so much.  This is exactly what I needed to hear.  Logan's Mom and BPQW--I love what you both said about the meds just clearing away the junk so people can appreciate who your child is.  I would love for people to see how kind and compassionate he is rather than seeing a hyper, disruptive little boy.  And I am so happy to hear that, hopefully, I won't be crying about this one day--I certainly have done enough crying lately to last quite a while.  OneOrTheOther, yes, there is beauty to be found in looking at the world from a different perspective--thank you for reminding me of that.  I guess I will just buckle up for the journey and try to enjoy the ride. 

I am so grateful to have found this board.  Thank you so much for all of your kind words!!!