"support" or co-dependency | ADHD Information

I have a husband of 25 years with ADD as well as 2 20 something boys,
one of which has confirmed ADD. At what point does the "support"
become co-dependency? I am so tired of having all the responsibility,
reminding them of everything, cleaning up the clutter, smoothing over
problems when they forgot. They forget appointmemts and to renew
prescriptions and don't go to ADD counsellors who they saw as not
helpful. Plus it was expensive.

I am exhausted.
I am divorced. The stuff you mention is the stuff that dorve my EX nuts. For what it's worth every time she remeinded me   I hadnt followed through on  somehting I said I'd do for her  or the socks on the floor, the piles, the left out tools in the yard I felt   nothing but shame and self frustration. I dont know when  its  co dependency but  in the case of your husband I am sure  it bothers him that you have to do it...kids...tehy  want there Mom to take care of them till the day the move out!

HMMMM, well in my case i am your husband!  my husband has taken care of everything to the point that i think it totally enabled me.  he is an excellent caretaker and made it way to easy for me to slack and he paid the price for it and so did/do i.

right now he is doing the trash and i am sitting here.  i tell him i will help him but by then he is done already.  it is a roll all too familiar for him and he just does it automatically.

he use to pay all the bills but now i have to pay them with my own money and on time or he will get extremely mad with me as he is worried that it will ruin his credit.

i am ever so conscious of trying to pay them and i do make them on time but it is a constant struggle to do so.

i walk right by them, even when i write notes to pay them, like this t-mobile note to pay my bill has been sitting here since friday as depositing my check as well and neither has been done, no phone bill paid and no check deposited either.

makes me feel that meds are not working yet.  10 mgs of adderall xr is all.  i have acomplished some things in my head but not so much out side here yet.

it is also years and years of behaviour that needs to be changed, a pill wont fix it all, counseling is almost a necessary at this point in ones life.  if ou are young enough and on meds then you have a chance of not developing these typies of rotten patterns, but once they are set and you have had them all your life and it is your way of life it is hard to know the difference between ADD behaviours and personality.

 

That's funny jamie. At least you appreciate his help. If I had to take care of someone that way, it would be OK as long as they recognized and appreciated it.

 Hi spouse25 - 

For 15 years I did the same things you do.  For me it was to keep everything going . Hated nagging (didn't get me any where), crying, yelling you name it. I use to think I have 3 children instead of 2!!! Why I let it go on for that long I'm not sure.

The thing that finally shoved me over the edge was a hockey bag.  It was the end of the season, my husband had played his last game .  He came through the door....and you guessed it dropped the bag in the hallway.  I looked at that bag for days.  I then could smell that bag even before I could see it   I tripped over this bag for about a week and a half.  I was starting to think that he was leaving it there just to see  a) how long I would leave it there b) how mad I was going to get. 

So instead of getting mad at him, I sat him down and we had a heart to heart. I had tried to tell him before how I felt about having to do everything. But usually I was yelling.  This time I was calm.  Got a lot of things off my chest. The funniest thing was he didn't even see the bag there anymore.  Was totally unaware.  I explained that I wasn't his mother and I wasn't going to pick up after him anymore.  I had 2 kids to already take care of and didn't need another.

We have now been together 19 years and the last 4 have been great !  I sometimes have to over look the socks on the floor, or the whiskers in the sink, because overall it's much better.

Sorry this was so long.  Just wanted you to know that I do relate.

MrsRed

MrsRed38362.7693981482It's funny but I have absolutely no desire for a clean house. I understand that most people like a clean house and thats fine, but I have never felt even a ripple of discontent living in my own filth. I clean when stuff is physically blocking me from going from room to room. I wish there were more positive stories.
I am afraid for my own marriage.
Both my wife and I are ADHD. Mine is acknowledged & treatment helps.
My beautiful, funny, intuitive and adventurous wife (who has done not a
lick of housework in 8 years, who has to call me to get directions driving
home, who is angry beyond all reason one minute, sunny like a storm
passing moments later), feels "trapped" and "controled" because I am
insisting on certain basic minimums - for my sanity and for the health
and safety of our four year old. Recently our son tested for elevated lead
levels. No wonder, our house is a mess. I am cleaning room by room and
have given my wife her own room to do with as she will, but our son must
stay out. This kind of action seems essential to safeguard our son's
health, but my wife experiences it as unfair.

I think I could continue with the woman I love, and it would certainly be
best for our wonderful son, but her ADHD must be acknowledged and
certain minimums must be agreed and the best equipped partner (well,
who is kidding who... that would be me, at least while the Adirol is still
kicking in) given authorization to make it happen, no matter what.

MrsRed

 

I usedto feel so ashamed about the socks on the floor when I was married. She'd  ask me to put them in the hamper...I would come home from work lalalalala  a million things in my head and leave them on the floor next to the bed and feel like a lump of coal  when sh called me up on it

You are breaking my heart.

A little remorse would go a long way, wouldn't it?

In a moment of clarity, my spouse asked me if I had developed my "blame
others first" mentally as a way to protect myself growing up. And it's
true- I would constantly be surprised by assignments or meetings and
duties that I had forgotten- and rather than look stupid, I became an
expert at masking my surprise and keeping my composure while
internally I scrambled frantically to compose a lie and devise a plan to
recover. This is exhausting, anxiety-ridden and draining.

However, once I accepted the diagnosis, I could let go of all that. Not only
do I make less mistakes, but I don't hate myself for making them. I still
have to hold my composure and come up with white lies for, say,
employers or my kids' teachers, but I no longer secretly beat myself up
anymore while lying through my teeth; I just try to learn from my mistake
now that I can actually learn from it.

ADHD appears as selfishness. I don't know your wife, and I don't know if
she is selfish (as well as adhd) or not. But that is not the essential
question.

Does she love you enough to give up her complex defense mechanism?
Does she love you and your son enough to challenge her image of
herself? Some people, seriously, would rather be right than happy.

Eventually it will impact your son. My spouse was supposed to bring my
daughter's backpack to school one day. He "forgot". Later I did a search
on the computer and found he was looking at internet porn at the time.
When I see the split screen in my mind of my child looking at the
classroom clock hoping her homework arrives soon, and my husband
staring at some 18 year old on the computer, I'm filled with a seething
anger that blows away that from stuff he's done to me. Because I have
stories like yours too.

So here's my cautionary tale; we separated for a year and a half. I found
that his 40% to my 60% was still better than nothing. I really can't raise
these kids alone. He refused to live nearby. He was visiting once a week
until I finally agreed to let him move back into the house. Because right
now I need help with the kids, even help that isn't the greatest. I feel like
it is slowly killling me. But I want my kids to have contact with their father
even though I now wish I had none. And, frankly, as a man it might be
harder for you to get custody. You don't want him alone with her- she
might blame him for things that are her fault. I know, because I've done it
myself (not anymore). [QUOTE=wifeandmum]

"Now what do you make of this..... he was the most supportive person in
the world..."


Our experience exactly, but it has taken me some time to recognize the
difference between ADD-driven distractability (which many people can
overcome in bursts when there is something important and/or engaging,
like say your initial bout with cancer) versus someone who is simply
self-absorbed and narrcissistic.

I know that my wife is loving and caring. She'll give the coat off her
back to someone on the street. But she can also forget to pick me up
from the dentist after I've had several impacted wisdom teeth removed
and, when I do get home, hand me our baby because she is meeting with
a realtor at the house and "forget" to go to the pharmacist to fill my pain
medication until I demand it.

Car keys I can deal with (and thanks, nickled&dimed, I have over the last
year essentially split off my world in relationships to things from hers. I
know where my stuff is, I don't get dragged into her frenzy - though I can
take some satisfaction in advising her to "look in the bin" a box where I
dump all her stuff that get dropped on the floor.) I am not willing,
however, to accept the level of anxiety the comes from the dentist-type
experience. What happens when I am seriously ill? Or when I get older? I
am looking for a life partner here.

Also, as my son gets older - 4 going on 5 - it seems more important to
me to be able to at least discuss what is normal or desireable adult
behavior. On smaller things it's relatively easy. He knows, for example,
that it's good to clean up after your self and we spend Saturday mornings
together cleaning the house. He also knows that "mommy is messy" and
she has her own room that's not like the rest of the house and the "bins"
on each floor for her stuff that we pick up. That, I think works.

But what do I do when.....

uh oh, I feel another story coming on. I can't help it - this is the first time
I've ever been able to talk about (write about) these things where I feel
like someone understands what I'm talking about. I have many
sympathetic friends (some even with ADD) and see a very knowledgeable
psychiatrist, but none of them really "get" what it's like to have the thing
and be married to someone who has it but denies it....

... here's the story that put me over the edge. Last year I was being put
through a regime of medications - I am also recently diagnosed manic-
depressive, also have 15 years sobriety, it seems that many of us have
this ADD/bipolar/alcoholic trifecta. Anyway, one some new medication I
couldn't sleep. On the third day, my wife got mad at me for something or
other. I reminded her that I was drugged to the gills and had no sleep,
but it didn't matter - her anger of the moment overwhelmed her
empathy. I went off for a bit, when I came back to the house she was still
angry. I snapped. I grabbed her arms and demanded that she stop being
angry and give me a break - never have I done such a thing before or
since, three days with no sleep puts you into a whole other realm - my
loving wife, who I know adores me, looked me in the eye and said "get
out of her or I'll call the cops," and something died in me at that
moment... she, on the otherhand, remembers the events but they have no
emotional impact.

I do think that her behavior is some combination of ADD itself, the
distractability part, and defensiveness + denial built up as a child to deal
with parental and other adult/school disapproval.... Don't we all hear the
same things as kids? "You aren't living up to your potential." "Why don't
you listen to me?" "How can you be so thoughtless/stupid/dumb," "You
are a smart kid, if you would just apply yourself" etc.

Faced with this (and it is so wonderful that kids nowadays can be
diagnosed and escape this fate) those of us of a certain age had, I think,
two emotional choices: deny the whole thing and tell the world to f**k off
- which is the road my wife took (excuse my language please, but that is
the reality) or accept that one is a failure at age 12 and struggle through
the years of depression, anxiety, fear alcoholism, etc. as I have done.I decided to get help when i saw the effects my adhd has on my students.
It hurts their feelings, and I don't mean to forget to help them, but it
doesn't matter why. That's when i started calling doctors and trying to
construct strategies that i couldn't avoid. My motivaztion to change was
realizing i couldn't control myt attention and that it was hurting other
people's lives. You would be doing her a favor if you made it clear how
that whole key thing is an imposition on you.

Kenn- is she reluctant to identify herself with a negative stigma? I would
read some of those books that talk up adhd- the one that
compares hunters to farmers. read the passages aloud and be excited
about the good things about it. be smug about the fact that almost
everyone with an iq of 180 shows symptoms of adhd.

Also- you can't go on crippling yourself to enable her. let her be late to
work. point out that YOU always put your keys in the hook by the door.
and act like you can't think where else keys would ever be. Let her be late
to work. I want to say a lot of other vengeful things, like quit taking out
the trash. but that builds spite. When she was growing up, was she used
to others fixing her problems for her? Is that why she expects it of you?
another idea might be to keep track of the frequency of these kinds of
events- document what
you do and lose, and what she contributes and then loses. if you have
adhd but she loses her keys more, what does that say about her?
Documentation isn't subjective.

Go to counseling and guise it as how to help her deal with your adhd. A
good therapist will catch on.


but i'm all talk, anyway. my spouse lost 3 cell phones this year THIS YEAR!
He has no idea how taxes work. he never saves receipts or can find them.
He never remembers birthdays until the actual day. He thinks nobody in
this world balances their checkbook. He gets angry when i am upset
about it. But see, all this is because he doesn't have TIME. When i point
out that other people balance their checkbooks and buy birthday gifts
and have the same 24 hours in the day that he has, he huffs and puffs
because clearly i just don't get it.


So if i am such a burden, why am i the person who can produce a folder
of receipts at tax time even though I'm a living mental blender? nickled&dimed38368.4271527778

 Mrs Red  cleaning my House  before  I started on meds   was  almost as pleasant a thought as  having my nails  pulled with pliars.  I have had the pleasure of not having to clean up my last  meal  to cook my next one   since I started on meds.  I only did a  semi decent  job cleaning when I knew my stepson would be coming because I wanted him to have a semblance of structure for the Weekend.

The only  time I ever got  pleasure from cleaning was cleaning my kitchen floor when married on a Saturday Morning  while my ex was sleeeping.  our kitchen  was huge  including a table for 6, a woodstove, a hall  and a large cooking area it was no small task. It's not that I did it often but, I knew it was her  least favorite task  and I always felt terrible about the socks on the floor, the  folded clothes next to my bureau I didnt put away etc etc...It sounds like your Husband really cares to have done   a task like that just too please you...because chances are   if he is like  I was  he never  sees  dirt or clutter till he trips over it

[QUOTE=nickled&dimed]

So here's my cautionary tale; we separated for a year and a half. I found
that his 40% to my 60% was still better than nothing.

That is precisely the math that I've been doing in my head, though I'm
using different factors. If it were just the two of us, we would have split
up several years ago. But once our son came along, I have felt the need to
hang in there because it seems better for him to grow up in a family, even
a strained family. This seems like a tough call with a bunch of tradeoffs.
At some point on the sliding scale of disfunctioning marriages, it is
clearly better for a child to have seperated parents - and all the evidence
indicates that the younger the child the better.

If my wife were non-ADD, I think it would be an easy call to seperate now
and if I can retain custody of our son, I'll do so. I cannot imagine,
however, letting our son grow up in a household run only by my wife. It
would be loving, certainly, but dirty & chaotic. I think my son would get
dropped off at school missing his lunch, or gloves or books at least once
or twice a week. Most importantly, I think he would be in a volital
emotional environment, without consistency, without clear lines and
definate discipline. Isn't there a tremendous cost to growing up in a home
like that?

How do I make U]that calculation?

We're headed to our second session with a marriage counselor today. Last
week she gave her view of the world which I thought was emotionally
accurate but far, far off from the factual reality as I see it. Today I expect
I'll have a chance to raise these issues.

Again, to all of you, thanks. It is tremendously helpful to have a place to
articulate the thoughts that are swirling in my brain.

It remains a wonder that I'm able to concentrate long enough to read
through your posts, think about it and then write a semi-intelligent
response. I was diagnosed as possible ADD only within the year (I'm 48). I
don't have many classic symptoms - I'm in some sub-category of clinical
definition.

For all my adult life in school and work, however, I would be able to do
maybe 45 of intellectual work in a day. Somehow, that was enough to get
me through school (though it was painful) and into a profession where I
rose to be an Executive Director of a large organization. But it has always
been a struggle and my life was filled with anxiety, excuses (N&D I know
the whole white lie thing...) and failure to achieve things that seemed just
beyond my reach.

These days I get up early, around 4:30 so as to have some time to myself.
Make a pot of coffee, pop my tab of adirol, and can then think and write.
What an utter pleasure...

Thanks again you all....

It is very helpful to read about other couples having difficulties in their relationships because I have never met anyone else who has similar problems to myself. If I do talk about it the response is usually "let them get on with it. They will soon learn" but they just don't and that is really what I don't understand. Everyone has a view on how to deal with it. Behaviour modification just did not work with my son .

Why does my husband give me a hard time for trying to help him set up systems so he can find his keys, turns up on time, doesn't forget where he should be or what he is supposed to be doing.

He does keep a diary now but as you know sometimes he can't find it or forgets to look in it.

Why does he have such a different view to me of reality.

I see him with his head in his hands sometimes with the stress of it all but when I try to help him solve problems so they don't reoccur, he gets stressed and says I am trying to control him. I can't stand the mess in our lives. Every room has "piles" of stuff, the loft and shed, even this computer has so much erroneous stuff on it when I turn it on sometimes I can't bear to use it. Every thing he touches gets cluttered up. My digitak camera, and my dvd machine with a hard drive which I treated myself too has the 30 hour drive full up with stuff he has recorded off the telly. Apparently he wants to watch it all so I can't delete it. Every part of our live seems to relect what is going on in his brain and it causes me great stress. Obviously I have done the thing about clearing out somethings without saying, and deleting stuff but it goes on. Why does the loft and the sheds have to be full? Someone out there must understyand this and be able to tell me how they overcame it.

When I got cancer, my head was a shed and I needed to clear it so I found that tidying my environment which I could control, helped. Because of the stress I am under the mess is more aggravating. Yes I've said and he agrees but just the conversation gets him flustered!

I'm not looking for sympathy here but it does so help to rant to people who know what I mean.

Anyway I have considered leaving hundreds of times but actually I want to be with him. It's good to be able to read about other non adders and how they cope. I just want a way out of the MESS. Any ideas  

Sorry about the rant

Just an update- snowday today so no school.  My husband was off work today, had the kids... When I got home, as I came through the door all I could smell was cleaner 

He had cleaned the whole house.  I am in so pleased.  I thanked him and the kids several times.

I'm starting to wonder if he is posting somewhere on here  ?? 

Kenn- I'm so sorry about the results of your sons lead test.  That must be very difficult to hear.  I understand your need to find the source of the lead.  I'm not convinced that it is related to a messy house though.  Lead is not commonly used these days in products we normally handle.  If you are in an older house, or your child visits an older house there may be lead paint or even old lead pipes. 

A mess should not be a health hazard as long as there is no rotting food or feces among the mess.  We limit food to 2 rooms of the house that I can keep clean.  This way I don't find moldy bowls under my sons (or husbands) bed.  We try to spend an hour all cleaning up, as a family, every weekend.  If you have piles of stuff belonging to your spouse that you think may be moldy, or have old lead-based paints I would suggest piling them into those big plastic bins and putting them somewhere your child can't get them and tell your spouse that is her stuff, she can sort it when she is ready. 

Great thread!

My wife has been awsome for the last 26 years as well. Spouse 25 you sound just like her. Although only one of our two 20 something boys is a t home right now (the ADDer), she has always said it was like raising three boys. LOL. And it was. The oldest one left home and has never had to move back....who would want to move back in with the crazies? The younger one with the 'touch' has had a disasterous life and has required all levels of help. Once we found out he had ADD, he has been amazingly different.

Now that I know I am touched as well....and always have been, I am going to get hooked up drug-wise. I am doing this so I can finally hope to focus and get some work done...but also because my wife deserves a break! Seriously. For all those years of crap and crazyness....she is SOOOO looking forward to a possible change. hehehehe.

Good luck.

[QUOTE=spouse 25]I have a husband of 25 years with ADD as well as 2 20 something boys,
one of which has confirmed ADD. At what point does the "support"
become co-dependency? I am so tired of having all the responsibility,
reminding them of everything, cleaning up the clutter, smoothing over
problems when they forgot. They forget appointmemts and to renew
prescriptions and don't go to ADD counsellors who they saw as not
helpful. Plus it was expensive.

I am exhausted.
[/QUOTE]

I have a husband with ADD who is 62 and a son with ADD who is 26. What you describe is my life during the 34 and 26 years respectively I have known them. If I "pull out" and let them get on with it which I do when I get fed up and angry, so much goes wrong I end up having to sort it all out. Easier to just keep trying to forsee the problems and avoid them.

It is as you say very tiring, please don't lose sight of your own health and well being in all this.

I can totally relate!  I earn the income, cook the meals, do the laundry, keep track of finances and pay the bills, make and keep track of all appointments and homework, etc.  I do these things very badly, and things like retirement planning just don't get done at all.  My husband is not able to keep appointments, rarely completes the occasional task he is asked to do etc.  For a while I was really angry.  To his credit, he does keep our lawn looking beautiful and is a wonderful and loving father, and is my gallant hero on the frequent occasions that I lock my keys in the car, wreck the car and don't know what to do, forget my wallet, and so on.  [QUOTE=boggled]

Kenn- I'm so sorry about the results of your sons lead test.  That must be very difficult to hear.  I understand your need to find the source of the lead.  I'm not convinced that it is related to a messy house though.  Lead is not commonly used these days in products we normally handle.  If you are in an older house, or your child visits an older house there may be lead paint or even old lead pipes. 

A mess should not be a health hazard as long as there is no rotting food or feces among the mess.  We limit food to 2 rooms of the house that I can keep clean.  This way I don't find moldy bowls under my sons (or husbands) bed.  We try to spend an hour all cleaning up, as a family, every weekend.  If you have piles of stuff belonging to your spouse that you think may be moldy, or have old lead-based paints I would suggest piling them into those big plastic bins and putting them somewhere your child can't get them and tell your spouse that is her stuff, she can sort it when she is ready. 

[/QUOTE] Whoops. Just learning how this interface works.

Dear Boggled,

Thanks for your comment. The second part of your note gets at what we
are (or I am struggled with). Since I have ADD, it takes a fair amount of
effort on my part to maintain a semblence of regular domestic routine. I
write endless lists, have certain places that things should go, put up a
little ledge right by the front door where I can (most days) remember to
put my keys and wallet, etc. I did all this intuitively years ago without any
understanding of the nuero-psychological underpinnings of the problem.

Then when my wonderful, beautiful & joyful soon-to-by-wife moved in, it
was like a tornado hit my home. The problem isn't just trying to deal with
her chaos - it is that her whirlwind knocks me off my schedule & systems
and then we're both in for it...

I like the bins idea. For awhile there I had charge of most rooms and my
wife had her own space. I could keep the house relatively clean (and this
meant that I could keep track of where all the bills are, etc.) and just
chuck her stuff into her room.

Would love to hear from others on how to decide where to draw the line
on doing things for your spouse... when is it self-preservation (avoiding
what you know will be a larger problem) versus turning into a fulltime
nanny? For me it isn't just the work, it is that she seems to have no
conception of what I do. She believes that we do equal amounts of work -
it's just different stuff. But...

If I don't return my wife's library books we will buy them.
If I don't pay her tickets (2 parking tickets/month, 1 fender bender every
3 months) she will one day be arrested.
If I were not to answer the phone when she is driving back from visiting
family, it will add hours to the trip because she can't find her way home.
If I don't take out the garbage, or do all the lawn work, and all the
housecleaning, and make a budget and plan for our retirement, etc. etc....

p.s. on lead

Any older house is likely to have lead paint which may or may not have
been removed or encapsulated. Unless all windows have been replaced all
all lead paint sites remediated, there will be some level of lead in dust -
especially on window sills from the action of opening and closing the old
windows.

Smaller children living in such an environment will touch the touch and
then put their hands in their mouth, ingesting the lead.

In such an environment it is essential to clean all surfaces that a child
might touch. This should be done weekly.

If I don't return my wife's library books we will buy them.
If I don't pay her tickets (2 parking tickets/month, 1 fender bender every
3 months) she will one day be arrested.

The 2 you listed there are me My husband has to take care of them for me cause everytime I think to do it I forget it just as fast. I prob have a warrant now due to lack in funds for a fine I cause myself/him due to always putting others first not thinking. I drove with no insurance, bad inspection, and no reg. just cause my little brother needed to cash his check in another town what a mess. I am the one who has to take on everyones problems clean up take the trash out ect gets annoying I keep saying I'm gonna stop doing for others but then someone comes crying for help and before you know it I have another kid/mess to clean up. Not to mention my own problems.

[QUOTE=nickled&dimed]

"... it is exhausting."

Exactly. And I think there is a double whammy for those of us who have it
and live with a spouse who also has it, especially when it is
unacknowledged (sp?).

We (you) are striving desperately to put together systems, schemes, ways
to approach life - like auto bill pay, throwing away stuff, whatever. When
our partner doesn't do their share, or screws it up, and especially if they
also deny that there is even a problem, several things happen (at least
this is what happens to me)...

1. The mess/difficulties/etc. are obviously worse
2. I get knocked off kilter, so that the little systems I devised to keep
ahead of everything don't work. If I didn't have ADD, I think I might still
resent my wife's behavior, but I don't think that I would feel the same
despondency when we get so very far behind.
3. Seems to me that the reason to be married - beyond companionship,
sex, pleasure, etc. - is to have someone who is there to face the world
with you; the challanges along with the joys. For me, something so very
simple as my wife's inabilty to acknowledge that (a) she has never taken
the trash out in 9 years, (b) I do, but I must have a few minutes each
morning to look at my list, notice that it is Wednesday, collect the trash
and get it out, (c) if she is running around the house on Wednesday
morning in a frenzy looking for her car keys, I'll get drawn into to that, (d)
the garbage won't get out, (e) I'll be unhappy, and (f) that evening I'll turn
despondent when my wife gets home and asks me "why didn't you put
out the garbage?"

I know she isn't mean or stupid. I know that many people with severe
ADD refuse to accept it.

But ultimately, it means we aren't facing the world together and that may
be too high a hurdle for my marriage.

I don't know which is worse. Reading about couples who are both struggling with ADD or being the non adder in a relationship. I suppose I am able to keep my things in some kind of order if I have my own spaces and I am responsible for all the finances so bills get paid. In my diary I keep track of what all three of us have to do and plan ahead as best I can but it's like if they can mess it up they will. I have helped my son with regimes and systems with his working life but my husband just accuses me of trying to MANAGE him and has said I am a controller but otherwise it is just all a senseless mess.

Now what do you make of this. 4 years ago I got breast cancer and he was the most supportive person in the world throughout 9 months of treatment. Always there for me. I could not believe the change and thought that our lives would change for the better.

However it came back last year and I am on meds which thank God at present are holding it but it won't go away. Now here is the funny thing. Because I don't have to go for the treatments he acts like I don't have a problem. Like he can't keep the attention on it anymore because it has gone on too long. So is this a case of only being able to focus on something for a limited time like when it's in your face?

I know that when it gets difficult he will be there but in the meantime?? In fact we do laugh because he is forever telling me about hiss aches and pains!

The most frustrating thing I find is that he won't let me devise strategies for change and just goes on forgetting things, losing his keys etc He seldom learns from experience. It can't be nice always having to run along station platforms to catch trains, and arriving late for just about everything (including our wedding). He has just been put on ritalin but very little has changed, he says they have no effect that he can discern. whereas my son has been able to concentrate more and hold down a job for a year.(with my support)

It is all so tiring. I love them both, must do after 33 and 26 years but sometimes I just want to run away for my own sanity. By the way, the doctors told me 3 years ago that I should avoid stress in my life!  Ha Ha

.

My hilarious situation is that my spouse might roll his eyes about how
hard it is to live with my adhd, but i am sure he has it too, or else
something equally disabling.

He has no filing system, no dresser, no bill paying system, his credit
sucks, he never folds clothes or pairs socks or thinks to ask if the kids
have homework, supplies, permission slips lunch money. He will clean,
but he justs put things anywhere out of sight so i can't find them, and he
has no idea what went where. That isn't organized. After being separated
for a year, he was shocked to find his apt. was messy, even though me
and our adhd child didn't live there. HA HA! I was almost peeing my pants
with vengeful glee- "SEE it isn't JUST ME." Now back together, I have a
sinking feeling- literally. I feel yoked to someone who won't swim.

I wish I could feel guilty about depending on someone, but it is scrambled
me trying to be in charge. it is exhausting. I am trying to automate as
much bill paying as i can, and i secretly thow stuff out constantly as an
effort to keep my head above water. I don't think that will be enough.Well I have had the same problem cept the one who could not see it was me. I only understood more from working with my kids and I see most of what they do was me but less extreme compared to when I was a kid. I was not able to see it untill this year. Try not to point out the bad he will come to see what your saying is right soon enough. No one like to have there flaws pointed out to them would make them more upset then anything. Another thing you could try is get a therapist for your child the more they work with your child the more he will see how he is. Part of what helped me to notice that my daughter was even more like me they I had thought. Hope this helps.

My husband is non-add, and gets very frustrated that I have to depend on him for certain things: All financial matters are handled by him ever  since we had our home built. Unlike the rent, our mortage must be paid on time. Not to mention all the other bills that go along with a house! For the longest time I did the check writing and handled what little financial stuff we had. I had very bad record keeping and tried, but failed to stay organized. Deslexia is one reason I'm sooo bad with bills.

I never really felt like dependent opon my hubby, until about 6 mos. ago. I always had a job, even if I didn't keep them long. Went to tech school for health ins.coding, got a's & b's, but when most jobs  (after 911) combined BILLING & coding together and for alot less pay, BILLING+NUMBERS+MATH= FAILURE! I haven't had a steady DAY job in 6 mos. We both agreed I should take a leave of absence from my night job, that I held for 3 yrs., so we could have evenings together. I am still unemployed b/c I only last a month or less at the phone jobs I've taken. I use to be good at it, and it pays well, but I'm burned out! Other 9-5 jobs that I qualify for pay minimum wage. I'm 47 and I love my husband. He says he loves me, but if I can't find a decent job, he can't take the stress of being the only "bread winner". I've had to get money from my mom to buy more time Returning to my other job is not an option,since it's now only part-time. There were times during the holidays that he was going to leave me. Also I had told him leave before he has a stroke or heart attack. Thats how stressed he is.

So as y'all can see, I've become very dependent on him. Before the job thing, I always knew I was just not made to do somethings, but now I find out that he is ashamed of me! He says thats why he dosn't do stuff with his friends or invite anyone over b/c most of the other wives are successful and he dosn't want to talk about me! I can see why, but it still hurts like hell.

All of this has come to me having to account for what little I spend, constantly reminding me of my past failures, even though now I am pretty sure I'll have a good paying cleaning job and he thinks I'll succeed at this, but than ruins it with a wise crack. Than he says "I'm only kidding". His foster parents were abusive & perfectionists. Than he was drafted into the Navy before we met. He always seemed alittle controlling to me, but now he is a control freak! He once posted a time scheduel for me to follow: when to clean, when to do the wash, and what to be doing when the wash is in. Also getting up at around 6am to go shopping to beat the crowd! The latest was going to be disconnecting my computer,not because he felt I was spending to much time online, but to keep me out of the chat rooms THAT I NEVER GO INTO. Never liked chat rooms. It just goes on and on. I often what life would be like with an ADD/ADHD partner! Sorry so long. It's just that I have been holding this in for so long!

Need some advice.

Husband has add so has 26 yr old son. Husband constantly on his back nagging about different things he does. The thing is that my husband does the same sorts of things. When I point this out , he feels I don't support him in dealing with my son and he clearly can't see that he does the same things. I find it difficult to stand by whilst he cntinually criticises because it affects my son's self esteem and gets on his nerves!! and under the circumstances it is unjust.

How do I get my husband to look at his own behaviour  and can someone with add tell me why he can't see it?