I have totallyhad it. My son will be 10 in August and has the social skills of a 3 year old and I am not kidding. He is always yelling, telling others what to do, if he gets injured, he states that it was done on purpose, I am stressed to no end and today was the last straw.
1. My neighbor took my son to the pool and he repeatedly tried to pull her 5 year old daughter under the water and didnt let go even after he was told to.
2.Yesterday while playing baseball, he was struck by the ball and he accused the other child of doing it on purpose and chansed him with a BAT!!!!! He then came home upset and stated that one of the boys there was calling him names. He accused everyone of doing everything to him on purpose.
3. Today he goes out to play and within 20 minutes he is back in the house telling me that the same boy was calling him names again and that he hit him after telling him to stop so the other boy defended himself. I then heard from ALL the other kids there that what my son said was a lie ( suprise, spurise, he ALWAYS LIES) and that my son got mad after he was told to stop changing the rules and trying to run the game.
sooo. I went and got my son a math book and told him to spend the rest of his summer reading and doing math with the hope that he wont be struggling this year in 4th grade. He struggles last year ansd the only reason he passed was that we told him no playing outside until friday and the weekend, no television, nintendo, wii, or movies, only reading. I am at my wits end. My husband stated that he told my son to defend himself and he goves him the tools but he cannot figure out how to apply them and he also doesnt know anymore what to do.
I certainly can understand your frustration, and it's not easy being a parent sometimes, especially with kids like ours who often have social immaturity. And I know it's common to fall into a pattern of being critical because on alot of days, it seems like our kids can't do ANYTHING right. But what we have to remember, is the kids that are hardest to praise, are the kids that need it the most. Could you maybe tell yourself that you are going to compliment your son several times a day, even for the littlest things? Maybe that would help get positive reinforcement going in the right direction. I'm sure he is not happy with the way things are going for him. But you know the old saying, sometimes any attention is good, even bad attention.
Our son is only 6 1/2, but we can't let him play outside alone with the other neighborhood kids, because it always ends with some type of episode. They are generally kind to him (to a point) but he always takes it too far and becomes a real pest and then they end up getting mad. So, we have to limit his social acitivities to supervised ones...day camp, scouts, church group - anything where an adult is present. And he also has learned to occupy himself with the computer, reading, playing with his toys, etc. I get sad everytime I look outside and see all the neighborhood boys running around, playing soccer, riding bikes, or whatever, and I know our son would love to join in. But, I have to accept the fact that he usually can't, and learn to recognize and appreciate his good qualities. We also do alot of together things, like the parks, movies, and libraries.
There are a few friends in school that seem to like and accept him, so this summer we have had them over, one at a time, and I make sure I'm close by to intercede if he gets too bossy or rough. (I also make sure they have a really good time so they want to cme back!) Maybe one on one playtime might be better for your son as well.
About the lying, that's starting to happen here, and I tell him that if he tells me the truth, he won't get in trouble no matter he did, but if he lies he is going to get punished...not for the actual event, but only for the lying. He seems to be getting it, and even though I am not happy with whatever he may have done, I make a big deal about him telling the truth and then try and have a discussion with him about why he shouldn't have done whatever it was to cause the problem.
I know it must be alot harder with a 9 yr old than a 6 yr old, but I hope some of these suggestions might help. Hang in there!!
Hi Longsally, my heart goes out to you as I am in a very similar situation. My adhd son is going to be 9 yr early October and he is so immature. My daughter is 7 yrs and when she has a friends over, they look at my son (whilst he's being super silly) as if he's an alien. I am actually endeavouring to obtain info on social skills and there is a physc in the States by the name of Richard LeVine who deals with alot of this stuff. Im in Australia so his stuff is hard to get hold of but there is a bit on You Tube for him. He also does DVD's etc..on children with adhd etc........social skills etc... A suggestion of his was when your adhd child has a playdate over, make sure its structured so its less likely that things will go wrong. My son plays with children 1 or 2 grades lower than himself at school (so sad) and hasnt had 1 birhday invite this year (half way through schoool year here in Aust) and no invites for playdates either. My son has quite a few social skills issue's happening at school which Im always being told about and to be quite honest, I feel as though all the other kids parents eyes are on me and shunning me because they inevitably hear all about my son and other parents do talk amongst themselves.
My son also denies, blames and lies and leave's me feeling defeated.
I do agree with the previous post (Kathleens) regarding the lying.........not getting into trouble if telling the truth but will get in to trouble if lying and this is focusing on the "telling the truth" or "lying" part not what the behaviourwas. Praising is also another good thing............the praises must outweigh the negative issues by far.
Lastly, you mentioned about your son changing the rules in a game.........my son does this all the time and its alwasy to his benefit. This is something that really annoys kids he's playing with.
I will also ask as everyone ask's me, are his med's working (if he's on them). I'm thinking that my son's arn't at present otherwise I'm sure I wouldn't still be having all these issues/behaviours were still having.
Good luck
Marlene
Why doesn't he just do it and get it over with?
I find that I ask myself that question pretty much daily... about myself. My son has ADHD, and although I have not been diagnosed I am pretty sure I have it as well.
Why don't I put things away when I'm finished with them, instead of waiting until the house barely has a free surface left and then wondering where to start?
Why don't I send in my continuing education points right away instead waiting until it's too late and I have to take extra courses just to make up my requirements?
Why do I forget to pay bills, often getting 'past due' notices in the mail even though the money is in the bank to pay them?
Why do I continue to over-eat and eat foods that are bad for me when I hate the way that I look and feel?
These are the symptoms of ADHD. People with ADHD don't seem to behave logically even to themselves at times. Afterwards, it's obvious that he should have just done it properly the first time. Remember though, when he was up in his room his executive disfunction didn't allow him to think ahead to the moment when you discovered he had used a calculater, his decision was based on what he wanted to do RIGHT NOW.
I will be 39 years old in 2 weeks. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that the choices a person with ADHD makes are incomprehensible even to themselves at times. My advice, based on this, is to make the consequence more immediate. In the homework situation, this means having him do it at the kitchen table instead of in his room. He needs help to stay on task and he can't get that in his room.
I hope this helps in your frustration. I was at a talk given by a very knowledgeable doctor in the ADHD field a while ago, and he said this: we wouldn't tell a person with a broken leg to walk on it; we know he can't. We wouldn't tell a diabetic to make more insulin, we know they can't control that. We need to think of ADHD the same way - they won't think ahead because they can't. They (we) live very much in the moment.
My son, just turned 13 a week ago, is the one who put H in ADHD. He was diagnosed just shy of 5 with severe adhd and he honestly is. This past weekend was crazy for him. With the fireworks and all, and his meds wearing off, it was a disaster for him. He just gets way overstimulated. We have no learning disabilities, he is very smart. It is the hyperness, impulsiveness, and overstimultion.
He does things that land him in trouble, like loving fireworks and lighting them off. Then buring things. It just never ends. He too denies doing things that people witness. I honestly wonder if things will ever settle down.
I don't want him medicated 24/7 but he really does need something to help him help himself. The over stimulation just gets the better of him. And it doesn't help that our adhd'ers, at least mine, are immature, especially socially. I only want the best for him and I don't want him ruining if for himself. I talk with him about this and he understands. We continually do things to keep him safe and away from anything negative, including setting himself up for failure.
I just wonder if it will always be like this.
I thank God that I have these boards to come to and vent. I feel alone in my town where I live because it is as if I am the only dealing with this stuff, but here I know that I am not. Thank you all for "listening."
well, the neighbor that my son has played with on and off for a while invited him this am to go watch him play softball. I said yes. When he came back I asked how the game went. He told me that it was good, the neighbors teanm lost by 2 points. The neighbor child then stated that the loss was the fault of my son who was in the stands. I WAS IN SHOCK. I asked how that was possible as he didnt play but was a spectator. His response was that My son told him from the stands ( and the team) that they were going to lose so the team didnt really try and they lost!!!! I became very upset and walked away from this child.
Later on, another neighbor of mine drove by with her son in the car and he was also at the game. I asked him did he have a good time. He immediately said he did but the team lost cause of my child!@!!!!!! He was told that by the neighbor child and I was furious. This child is also adhd and his mother is all over him like I am with my child and she IMMEDIATELY told him that my child being in the stands had nothing to do with the oputcome of the game.
Why is it that other people think it is ok to use my child as a scapegoat? Why do these parents allow it? I am so upset.