I am really at a loss. My son is so impulsive and says things without thinking. 2 days ago, he went to the pool and shut the gate on another boy ( who also has adhd) and told him " sorry the pool is closed". This boy got mad and started to complain about my son every 2 minutes.
We left the pool and I spoke to him about saying things to this boy and why couldnt he ignore him. I said something to him again this am when he went across the street to play, what he should do ifthis child showed up. I was there dropping off a b-day party invitation when this other boy showed up.
M son immediately started to talk about this boy in front of the friend he was playing with. The friend immediately repeated every word of it to the boy, they both came running to tell me and then my son starts talking about how he doesnt want the boys sister coming either. I could not believe it!!
I was embarassed and humiliated and brought my son home. I told him that I have givenhim all the tools to get along with people and why did he say something right after I had just asked him not to?
This is the last time I am going to throw a party for him and I told him so. I told him that he is going to spend the day at carowinds with his father on Saturday and he can do that every year if he wants to and then have dinner at a restaurant with 1-2 friends but that is it.
The truth is, he has almost no friends and my friends bring their kids but if it was up to them, they wouldnt choose to come. What is up? Even I had better impulse control and didnt do 1/2 of the things he does. I dont get it.
Why does he have to invite so many kids to his party? Last year my son hadI feel your pain......you are just trying to make a nice party for him to feel special on his birthday and he goes and blurts out something like that. My son does that all of the time and I want to crawl in a hole from embarrassment.
As a matter of fact it happened the other night with a really NICE neighbor boy and my son blurted something rude and I was mortified.....however the other boy seemed to "let it go" rather quickly. Try not to dwell too much and make yourself any more upset since those kids have probably forgotten about it by now. As for how to prevent this in the future, I am out of ideas as I've tried everything and nothing seems to work somedays. I loved what you said about giving him the tools and now it's up to him. That's actually something my mom just told me.....she told me to stop worrying about the fact that he has very few friends and that he's going to have to change that for himself the older he gets......but that is easier said than done.
Hugs!
Andrea
Matt age 8 ADHD
This is how it ended up yesterday...that child told his mother what happenned....she came over and told my son that she is not allowing her son to come to his party because he is so mean to him, she asked him why he is so mean to her son while my ds makes the point to speak and be nice to the kids in the neighborhood who are always so mean to him, etc......
In the end, I spoke to him, so did my husband, so did my friend and this am what do you think happenned? My ds woke up and said he was going to go aross the street to his frineds house to play. I said no, because the other child might show up and he has already proven that he cannot control himself. what do you think my son said?
He said "what are you talkling about" and I asked him what happenned yesterday and he stared at me with a totally blank face and said that he doesnt remember. I tried to help his memory along and he seriously doesnt remember hardly anything of what happenned yesterday.
This is why he does the same thing over and over again, he doesnt remember and doesnt learn from his mostakes. I firmly believe that he has something else wrong with him and that it is undiagnosed. We have an appointment on the 17th and that dr is going to hear from me!!!!!
Our DS7 has issues remembering when things like that happen also and DH has always thought that he is just being defiant & not telling the truth when we ask what happened but I have always thought that he truly doesn't remember. I just finished reading the book "The Explosive Child" and learned in that book that I am more than likely correct in that he doesn't remember when an incident happens. Our son isn't really explosive, which is why it took my so long to read that book but there were a lot of key points in the book that fit our DS to a T! When DS is getting frustrated with something or someone and it builds up (and this may be quickly, within a matter of minutes) to the point where he lashes out with saying something nasty or hits, the frustration level for him is to the point where all cognitive and rational thinking is gone, which is why he lashes out or says something so inappropriate. At the same time, because he is so frustrated and not thinking clearly during this time, his memory is also jarred & he may not truly remember what it was that led him to the point of lashing out (verbally or physically). Can you think of a time that you were so frustrated about something that you were literally boiling inside? Even we don't have the ability to think rationally when we are that frustrated and if an argument occurs at that time, do you have a hard time recalling the details clearly when it's all over? I know sometimes I have a hard time remembering everything that was said in a heating discussion and how it exactly went. I think it's the same for our little guys but just multiplied many times because they are younger and have lower frustration tolerance in the first place because of their issues, which means they tend to have these instances occur more often over smaller things. It's definatly frustrating & I'm still trying to figure out the best way to handle it when it comes to him dealing with his peers. If you haven't read that book, I highly recommend it, it really gave me a lot of insight to our little guys head!I have read so many books, I could scream. This childs only problem is social skills. He gets decent grades at school, loves animals, is inquisitive.He is no better or worse than other kids in any area but he totally cannot get along with anyone. He will be 10 at the end of this month. I cannot take him to "srop off" b-day parties, I cannot leave him outside alone to play with other kids.
We have lived in 3 neighborhoods and he has been rejected by every child in all 3 neighborhoods. He paints himself the victim every time, his behaviors never change, he gets no better even with medicine. He gets picked on in school every year, the stress in our home is over the top.
Hubby said last night that the entire family runs around and does or does not do things due to him and as a result, he rules the house....no more. My other child is now being affected by all of this and it isnt fair. We told my son last night that we would be getting a baby sitter once a month for him and taking the other son out to do things with him alone and all he did when we told him this was to stare out the window with a 1/2 smile on his face, completely disconnected.
I am, of course, no doctor but are you sure you have the right diagnosis?
Will is 11 and we've been trying to get help for him for 6 years. We were just diagnosed last December with Aspergers. His Aspergers is a LOT like ADHD but he has a lot of social problems also.
Just a thought...
He just went through major testing in December and we were told that while he came close, no diagnoses of autism or anything else for that matter. I dont care what they say, there is something else wrong with this child.We went thru several drs before ANYONE mentioned Aspergers. I always thought something else was going on with Will, too, but I just didn't know what. One dr suggested Aspergers and after I researched it, I knew it was the right diagnosis. I then took him to who they said was one of the top dr's in my state and he instantly came up with Aspergers. It fits him so well but like I said, he's a little older than your son and it took 5 years to find it..
You know, he told that child the other day that he hated him and theLongsally, my heart goes out to you as I know what it's like. My almost 9 yr old has adhd and has been on meds since January but it's been trial and error with the meds but I think we may have it right as since he's been on new dose all has been good (well, good enought anyway). I was continually getting feedback from my sons teacher at school re: incidents involving classmates (in classroom and playground) and all incidents involved my son and were over and above what other children were doing. Since the new dose (only about 2 weeks) the teacher is telling me only 1 x incident and apart from that all has been good. If a classmates football team lost a game, my son would say to the classmate that football team sucks, they're losers etc..........upsetting words and we would explain we don't do this and how would you feel etc.....and next day he'd do it again.
My son's cousin lives closeby and same age and they don't get along ( as a result of my son only). In fact, my son had a playdate from school today (this would be the 3rd playdate since school started 1st Feb this year.......Australia!) and I said to my husband we need to keep an eye on things and my husband had to take the boys to the park so as things didn't go haywire!
Sorry to go off track here but my son constantly blurts out things and it is so embarrasing. Many times I have had a real go at my son for saying whatever but he still does it. I have been talking with other people and my son will crop up and say something which makes me look like a liar! I cringe at some of the things that come out of my sons mouth.
My son seems to say that he can't remember alot but I've always thought this was his way of getting out of discussing it or from taking the blame. Obviously, you would know whether your son really cannot remember it or not (by the look on their face) and if he dosn't, maybe there is something else to it so be sure to tell the new specialist your'e going to see.
You mentioned at the beginning of your post, your son closed the pool gate on this other boy and said "pool closed"............Was he serious or just having fun and playing a joke as this is something my son would do, thinking it's really funny!
I also know what you mean by feeling the household is at a high stress level and revolves around this child. We are the same. My other child is 7.5 yrs old and it's only in about the last 6 months her behaviour has got alot worse and most of it is copying what her brother does or that were that run ragged from my adhd son, we let some things slide with the other one and now she's starting to act out.
I'm sorry I can't offer no real help but there is an American specialist that deals alot with social skills for children............Richard Lavoie is his name and I think he has some examples on you tube to view. You could probably get his dvd's, books etc........but I'm in Australia so cannot.
With my son, we could never discuss with him what he was doing wrong with his friends etc...........as he would never listen and would say it was the other child etc...........but I think now that he rarely gets an invite for playdate, parties and even cousin not really wanting to play, I think that may be sinking in for him.
Definately speak to your specialist because as you say, there may be more to it.
Good luck