Corrina | ADHD Information

Hi Corrina, I know you have mentioned a few times the book "The Explosive Child". Over the past few years, I have borrowed this book on about 4 occasions and read it but for some reason, none of it really "sinks in" with me. I actually read it again about 1-2 months ago and it still did'nt "sink in". (It's possible I may be adhd myself so that could be why!). 

One part I did get a grasp of was PLAN A, PLAN B, PLAN C. P

Plan A = Non-negotaible demands (ie: must hold hand whilst crossing the road)

Plan B = Collaborative problem solving. Discuss, empathise, reassure and brainstorm ideas to gain a solution to suit both parties (you and child)

Plan C = Let go..............let this one slide for time being

We had an incident here today with my adhd son. My hubby told him if he had time, he'd take him to the park to kick the footy but an unexpected visitor arrived and we were running late with dinner, wash hair for school, dark early etc..........so hubby said not today and my son was getting worked up..........but Dad, please dad, just for 10 minutes etc.............My son ended up crying and we asked him to go to his bedroom to calm down so he started saying he wasnt going to do anything for us as we didn't do anything for him etc................Any advice on how this could have been handled according to the book and was I correct in grasping Plan A, B and C?

I really dont know why I couldnt grasp the book easily but if you have any other advice you could offer from the book, I'd be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

 

Corrina, thanks so much for your prompt reply!  Your post made sense to me and now I get it. We see a Physciatrist for my son and I suppose it's similar to what she say's...........not to say an outright NO to my child (unless necessary, of course) and let him help come up with a solution.

Thanks again............I enjoy reading your posts and I think you give great advice/feedback.

Cheers

You do have the plans A B & C down. A & C are really easy. It's B that
takes work.

If I had been in your situation I would have had a conversation with my
child to make sure he understood what was going on, empathized with
him, and then had him come up with a solution.

First, I would make sure he understood my perspective - I was looking
forward to going to the park, too, but then this thing happened that I
didn't expect and I'm disappointed, but I can't follow through on that plan
right now. I'd make sure the 'right now' part was loud and clear.

Then I'd let my son vent about his feelings. Sometimes my son comes up
with something I didn't know about - like there's a one day petting zoo at
the park he wants to visit or something - that would trump the
unexpected visitor. But usually that doesn't happen.

I would make sure my son knew what the problem was - not that we
couldn't go to the park, but we couldn't go right now. Then I'd let him
come up with a solution. My son, 9 times out of 10, would then say
something like, "okay, then let's go tomorrow."

You turned the episode into a Plan A event - your husband said they
couldn't go, period. That's what started the arguments and whining. By
giving your son a little space and switching it from 'no' to 'not now', and
letting him come up with the 'when' if 'not now', that could have stopped
the argument.

And as simple as that is it's really hard for a parent to give up control like
that. Even now I'm amazed at how easy and sensible my son can be when
I crack the door for him rather than slamming it shut.

Hope that helps!You're welcome!

It's also important to make sure you and your child understand why they
want to do something - I think being heard is just as important as being
flexible. So if it's an absolute no, make sure you tell him why.

Also - you can give options for your son to choose from. You can come
back with "You can't do X but you can do Y or Z. Which one do you want to
do?" It's not quite as successful as letting your kid come up with their own
solution - my son pushes back a bit more then - but if there are only a few
acceptable solutions then it cuts down the negotiation time.We're probably on completely opposite times, and you're getting up when
I'm getting ready to go to bed, but I was wondering if you had a chance to
try this out again and how it went for you?

Thanks Corrina, yes we would be on day/night time differences. I read your email to my hubby and explained that it is basically similar to what our therapist suggests and to let my son have more say in the matter. No incident has occured for us to "practice" on but I'm sure one wont be too far away!

From our therapist, we did have some strategies in place for when it appeared my son was going to "lose it" and we were to put up our hand and calmly say STOP, I can't understand what your'e trying to say when your yelling (or whatever word) like this. I need you to talk nicely so I can understand you etc.............and this did work if we caught him just in time. It seem's if we don't get him just in the nick of time to calm down,  he lose's it very quickly and then he cannot snap out of it until he does so himself.

I understand this PLAN A, B and C is to endeavour to avoid it getting that far in the first place. Me and my husband are going to be practising on each other over the weekend (sounds silly) but were desperate! I'm even going to use it on my daughter as well (not adhd) but still, good practice.

Thanks for asking, you're a gem. I'll let you know how we go when we have an "issue" . I'm almost off to bed now as it's almost 11pm and I like to read a little in bed before sleeping. I love this site but it does tend to give me some late nights!

Cheers