My 10 year old was diagnosed with ADHD four years ago and is taking Concerta. Things went great last year at school and on the last day, his teacher told me that her son has ADHD and she knows how difficult it can be. That explains why last year was such a great year for my son - he had a teacher with direct ADHD experience. This year is different.
This teacher seems to "tattle" on my son all the time. I don't want to be one of those parents who think their child can do no wrong. Believe me, I live with him, I know he can be rotten! But I also don't want the teacher telling me every minor infraction he committs and expecting me to "fix" it.
Here is a clip from her latest email:
According to our PE teacher, your son hit another student in the head with a ball - he apologized. I talked with him in our class and he said that he didn't mean to do it and that it was an accident. A few days ago something kind of similar happened - another student got hit in the head with a book - if I remember correctly - your son said that he didn't mean to do it and that it was an accident. Also, yesterday I noticed your son and another student arguing during a chess game - and things got quite loud and vocal. I talked with the class as a whole and said that playing games are a privilege and that if there was arguing - they could not play. Your son told me that he and another student didn't agree on the rules before the game started. I suggested that they should agree before playing again. Also, when your husband was here to volunteer there was an incident of your son poking another student during recess. That was all resolved because his dad was in the building and our program assistant talked with all of us. I certainly want to give your son the benefit of the doubt, but it seems like there are quite a few incidences that have been happening lately.
Am I being an overprotective mom and in denial, or is she trying to help and I'm just being oversensitive? That whole "benefit of the doubt" part makes me feel like she thinks he's doing this on purpose. Thanks for your input!
Question: Have you & your husband had a discussion w/his teacher about his ADHD and whether or not she is familiar with it? An understanding teacher can make all the difference in the world! Our DS is 8 (2nd grade) and last year in first grade his teacher was great, however I don't think she fully understood ADHD and SPD (which our DS also has) and it reflected in how much she pushed for him to do better. We worked very closely w/her and for the most part we were happy with all that she did to try & help him make better choices but ultimately by the end of the year, we were getting very frustrated with how no matter how much he improved, it was never good enough, she just kept pushing for perfect. It was so much to the point that we began to question his meds (as she did) wondering if we needed a change, however we didn't see that need at home. Fast forward to this year, his 2nd grade teacher is the same teacher he had in Pre-K when we first started w/ADHD and she had him prior to meds & after we found the right meds and traveled that journey w/us so she is very familiar w/him. This year is soooo much better, simply because she understands him and his issues and has the patience for him.
I guess where I'm going with this is, I think first of all there needs to be communication w/his teacher to help her gain a better understanding of your son & how he is. Let her know that you appreciate her informing you of these things, however you don't need to hear about every little detail, as it can become depressing. Also, it would be nice if she would put some of his behaviors into perspective w/the other children, I'm sure they all have their moments of hitting or throwing balls at someone...is it overlooked for them? Or is every little thing mentioned to their parents too? Not that what goes on with other kids is your business, but if your son's behavior is being nit-picked...that's not fair either. After discussing it w/her and trying to work together on things if it still doesn't change, then I guess I would take whatever she says in stride and only get worked up over the big stuff...don't sweat the small stuff. She needs to understand that what he is referring to as an "accident" may be his way of explaining that it was impulse and he truly didn't mean to do it but couldn't control himself. Hopefully she will begin to understand his good intentions and realize the difference between impulse & being mean on purpose. Good luck.
I understand the instinct to defend your child, and how defeating it is toI got some more information. The ball hitting the other child's head was during PE and everyone was throwing balls. My kid just happened to hit another in the back of the head. The book hitting the head was my child stepping over a child on the floor and tripping, dropping the book in the process. The side poking was to one of his best friends and the recess teacher told me that the friend didn't tell, some other random kid saw it and told the teacher. Sigh... Who knew detective skills would be so necessary?
Talking with the teacher, she says how much she likes my child, how she understands he "has a good heart." I always suggest positive feedback for him because can you imagine if all your days were filled wtih negativity? She said "Oh, I do that all the time!" I feel like she thinks she's doing all she can and my child needs to step it up. She's been teaching for a long time and probably feels like she knows best. She smiled and nods her head at my suggestions, then says something like "Well, I'm sure he'll get better." I just want to scream "No, this is as good as it gets!! Be happy he's not trying to set you on fire."
I want to poke her in the side or drop a book on her head. BUT - thanks for the support everyone!!
The tone is generally restrained annoyance, like they know what they are talking about and I (the one who LIVES with three ADHDers, does not). (That's also what I'm getting from this email.) I switched my strategy long ago. My tone is that I know what I am doing, and am attempting to teach or inform them about the realities of ADHD, and what is really going on. Deference is NOT on the agenda because my goal is to get my kids needs met, period. I am of course polite, but I am not there to make friends or to get them to like me. If they are non-responsive I use the process afforded by the 504 plan, and start CCing all parties on the 504 team.Jessica N40488.8602893519Thanks for the support. It's so frustrating when you think the teacher "gets it" then they complain about minor things. He's only in fourth grade and I've also got an ADHD preschooler. I'm seeing a huge number of school years ahead of me where I have to convince the teacher that my children aren't purposely trying to cause trouble. It is hard for most teachers to get it. I have lowered my expectations on that front. I have generally found that it is not possible to convince them of anything, although once in awhile you get a gem for 9 months. For some reason, people tend to think the worst. Maybe for the younger one, you can request specific teachers based on what you learn with the older one.When you talk with the teacher, what's her tone? Does she seem annoyed by your son, or is she supportive? It's hard for me to tell if the email is meant to be supportive or not.