Hi, I havn't been here alot lately as my adhd son has been keeping me very busy!!!!!!!
We are seeing a clinical physcologist and part of our household/school positive reinforement system, our physc dosn't think we should hand out too many (if any....) punishments to my son.
The physc is of the opinion we are all motivated to do well be some form of reward/praise and if we punish, it can just make the chikld sneaky/lie to avoid punishments.
My 8 yr old adhd son always hits his younger sister (only 18 months younger) and yes she does annoy him to get a reaction but his hitting her is not on. The physc say's instead of punishing my son for hitting I should reward him for going a whole day without hitting.
I was hoping some others could share some ideas on how they think about this and if you are in therapy, does your therapist suggest something similar? What type's of punishment do you use? Do you punish for backchat, arguing and hitting?
Thanks for any replies
Tara
That's a tricky one, as there is evidence to support that simply not reinforcing a behavior either way will lead to it's extinction. However, in this case the behavior is self- reinforcing: sister makes him mad, he hits her, he feels a bit better.Hi Tara4us,
Our DS was diagnosed at 5 (currently 7) ..with ADHD (severely lacking impulse control..due in large part to tourette syndrome) . His Dr gave us the following advice..change our expectations, throw out the rules (except for safety stuff), minimize or eliminate punishment/consequences, and give lots of positive feedback for simple good behavior. We resisted this for a while..because we are good parents and want our son to behave..but it really backfired. Like his Dr said..he cannot handle alot of rules, he cannot control much of his behavior and he doesn't learn from consequences..because he doesn't have time to think before he acts. So..any punishment would be for something that he cannot control. In our case, trying to get him to accept a consequence like a time out..results in him tearing our house apart, hitting and alot of kill talk. Ugh!
So, we went radical and threw out the rules.. and tossed the consequences. We are all much happier for it. Our son has made gradual progress in every area. We have very little conflict in our home now...we once had chaos. We do have a very structured day and our son and his sisters are very closely supervised.
Like you we have had the issue of our son hitting his sister (26 months older) and me. It was a hard thing to do..but I had to back off and let my daughter work through this with him. We talked to her about how she plays with him and the types of interaction that causes trouble. Just like in the real world .. we cannot use ourr words to cause trouble with others. Ultimately, our daughter realized how to get along. It was a process for all of us...and a painful one at that. My son no longer hits her or me.. because we are able to predict the kind of interactions with him that result in his getting over loaded and lashing out. Shame on us if we knowingly continue to provoke him.
His Dr said that when he reaches 5th/6th grade it will be time for behavioral counseling. Until then, he would not have the tools to make positive change. Our DS cannot take ADHD stimulant meds..due to the tourettes... so we really have to think outside the box.
I know this advice you received sounds crazy..but we are living it and it is working for us! Good luck!
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Sandy
No consquences for bad behavior? - sorry I don't buy it. Yes, it takes our children longer to learn but ignoring behavior like hitting should not be ignored. He gets instant relief when he causes someone else pain - that is something that doesn't go away if ignored - in my opinion.
However, there is no need to yell or talk badly to him when he does it (and little sisters always annoy their older brothers - I am one and I have that situtation at my home)
Timeouts and talks after he calms down is my recommendation. Our children do not learn from "not teaching" - they learn from constant redirection, teaching alternative choices he should make, and love. I understand it is easy for people think "he can't control it" but I say that is BS. Perhaps it is harder for them to control their behavior than other children but they eventually will but with rewards and consquences.
I tell my kids - both ADHD - that yes they have some issues with controlling their behavior but it is ultimately up to them to make the right decision. And our guidance or redirection -especially when they have tried to hurt another human - is neccessary. Trust me - when they turn that corner and see they have controlled themselves - the smiles and happiness is widely apparent!!
Patience is required and I know your son will improve. My son, now 11, used to hit his sister all the time. He was put in time out and talked to after he calmed down and now when he gets annoyed or angry, most of the time he walk away or just yells at her.
I do agree with rewarding for good behavior but if a child with ADHD goes all day without behaving badly that is great but their memories aren't that great yet and probably won't remember the day as well as you. Instant reward when he behaves well is better.
Also, 8 is a tough age - my son sounds just like yours and he has improved. Now my daughter - just turned 9 today is struggling with her behavior and we are back to instant reward for good behavior and time-outs/talks for bad.
Also, I would talk to another doctor about this issue. Our therapist recommends consquences and it has worked out for my children.
Good luck!
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