I always explain that my son who is 10 1/2 has a severe case of adhd which causes him to have impulse control issues but that we are working on it. I also have had embarassing things happen. My oldests behavior was so bad at one point that my husband and I stopped eating out for about 1 year as we could not take him into public without being embarassed by him.
He is a sweet child who likes to help do things around the house. He loves animals and is so sweet. He is doing ok in school. His entire problem is social skills. He does ok with one on one but not so good in a group. He is always yelling at the top of his lungs whether in or outside of the house. He is very controlling and tries to run eveything. The other kids dont like it and get mad.
Just the other night, he was playing the wii with a friend from across the street and he beat this child several times. When he lost, he screamed at the other child that it wasnt fair and should be a do over and he got louder and louder until the other child just left. I wish there was more I could do for him.
I usually don't explain that my son has adhd to anyone who I am not close to. To me it sounds like a cop out or an excuse for his behavior. It may be the reason behind what he does, but he can't "hide" behind it and not be responsible for his behaviors. If he does something that warrents an apology, he apologies, if he does something that warrents getting privileges taken away he gets them taken away. I have family that have never seen him act up or be the yelling little boy he can be. They know he can be, but he has learned what I expect in his behavior when we are visiting. Quite frankly it isn't anybody's business if your son is adhd, goes to a nice school, or anything. I would just have him take responsibility for his actions and learn from it. If the neighbors are going to be mad about something he did, the reason behind it won't matter to them.I am mom to a 12 year old boy who was diagnosed ADD last year and 8 year old boy who is currently being evaluated for ADHD by our pediatrician. The 12 year old started taking Concerta earlier this spring and it has done wonders for his social behavior. The 8 year old is having increasing social problems in and out of school, and recently got into trouble because he threw an avocado over our neighbor's fence and into their backyard pool--I and the neighbor were both there to witness the incident, which took me totally by surprise because our morning had been going so well and everybody had been in a good mood. Then when the neighbor confronted us, my son ran away and left me there apologizing and taking the dressing down for him. This was the straw that broke the camel's back for me.
The doctor is moving very slowly on diagnosing him, and so we don't have meds yet. I am strung out dealing with him, picking fights with his brother constantly and acting out like he did this morning. We have 12 more days of winter break and I just want to break down in tears. Meanwhile I am going to march my son back to the neighbor's house to make a formal apology and offer to help in any way he can. Not sure if this will teach him anything or not but I feel this is the right thing to do.
I don't know how to explain to other parents and neighbors about his ADHD. For one thing, I don't want to come off like I'm making excuses for him and letting him off the hook for his bad behavior. For another, I have a feeling that some people will not believe it, or just can't understand because their kids don't act out this way. When the neighbor in question confronted me, one of the things he said was, " He goes to a nice private christian school, is that what they teach him there? Is this how you are teaching him?" I wanted to scream at him but I just kept humbly apologizing. Perhaps I should just keep my mouth shut about the ADHD unless it's a teacher or a coach who needs to know. Everybody else will just assume I'm a bad parent, but maybe that's better?
Any thoughts?
Personally, I am one that wishes everyone would be more educated about ADHD so I would probably let him know that your children have ADHD and what that means for your daily life. I would make it very clear that you are in no way excusing or condoning their behavior but that ADHD makes impulse control very hard. Let him know that you guys are doing everything you can to help them make better choices and having him apologize for his behavior is a good learning tool. For us, our boys go to a private catholic school (only the oldest has ADHD) but a huge reason for us having him there is because it is a smaller more controlled environment, which we feel is much better for an ADHD child, so as far as his comment for their school...he is way off IMO. I'm sure he was angry and probably does view you as a bad parent who has taught your kids to act the way they do, I guess that's why I would go out of my way to explain that is not the case & little bit about how ADHD works. He may be empathetic & more understanding in the future. If not, then at least you know you've tried. Just my opinion.I would be sorely tempted to point out to the neighbor that no one has to teach an eight year old how to throw anything. I would also be tempted to point out that the child wasn't doing it to annoy the neighbor but that children sometimes just doing things without thinking. You don't really even have to explain about adhd in this case because this actually would fall within the range of normal behavior for a kid that age.I have to say I agree with Jessica and jaderock about the actual incident. How did throwing an avocado warrant that reaction? How are kids supposed to react appropriately to things if the adults around them don't?
As far as telling people, I often do. I have found that telling people not only helps them understand my son's behavior (and the change in his behavior since he has been on meds) but also I'm amazed at how often the parent I'm talking to will share about some difficulty their family is dealing with. It helps me to remember that my family is not alone in this. Others may have other issues, but no family is as peaceful or 'perfect' as it may appear on the outside.
As a mother I feel for you. As a mother with ADD with a son who has ADHD I'd wait till the neighbor left and throw another at his house for being rude :D.My sincere thanks to all the parents who have replied to my post. It does help to know that others are going through this kind of thing also.
Since the "avocado incident" in December, my 8 year old has calmed down somewhat. I know from the past that these types of things tend to go in cycles for him--one month will be particuarly bad, the next he will almost seem "normal" (if there is such a thing!) We still don't have meds for him, but are working on alternative forms of treatment at this time.
After thinking about the advice from this forum, I have decided to not mention my childrens' ADHD to many other people unless we know them well or unless they are their teachers or coaches. Like another poster said, people just won't GET it unless they have their own experiences with ADHD. I know I wouldn't have, before I had kids of my own with ADHD.