so sad today | ADHD Information

I could just cry....the other day, when it snowed, the same child who had
been hitting my kid repeatedly and had been so mean to him started
throwing snow at him and would not stop even after my son asked him
to. The result was my son beating this child yet again.

Then ( I was at work), he marched himself up to the mothers house on the
cul de sac and told her everything that had been going on, about the her
kids calling him names and hitting him. They came out and made their
children go home.

Today, my son headed up the street to play and met the same kids, all
together on a trampoline and he went up to them and was told by ALL OF
THEM to go home, that he was a tattle tale and they will not play with him
anymore.

I told my son...one of those boys is moving away permanently at the end
of the school year so by by to him. 3 of the boys live on the cul de sac
and no one in the neighborhood is allowed to play with them because they
are so mean so who cares. It is the one, however that lives across the
street and has been a person to play with that is the one that hurt him.
He always wants to go to his house and gets rebuffed, unless there is
nothing else for this child to do.

Just 3 days ago, he asked to play and the child told him that he was sick.
2 hours later, however, he was outside with other children playing. Now
that my child has effectively been ostracized, I do not know what to do to
help him. I think, if the kids are playing outside in front of my house, he
should go outside and try to join in. Hubby thinks he should steer clear
since they wont accept him.

Any thoughts on what our next move should be?Honestly, I have to agree w/your husband.  There are going to be people in your childs life that just will not accept him or like him for whatever reason...we all have them and he needs to learn to accept it & learn from it.  Honestly I don't see the point in sending him back into the fire over & over again, he's being hurt everytime and it just seems pointless...the situation isn't changing.  Instead, I would encourage more playdates with classmates or other children that do enjoy being around him and that he likes playing with.  Those children are bullies..plain & simple...I don't see the point in continuously encouraging playing w/them.  From some of your other posts, it seems to me that it maybe has only brought out more physical fighting characteristics in your son and I think our ADHDr's have enough things to overcome, they don't need to feel that power struggle as well.  Maybe have a talk w/your son that there are always going to be people in our lives that don't want to "play" and that we need to just accept it & move on, finding other ways to connect with those who truly want to be our friends & then encourage playdates as much as possible with others that he DOES get along with.  Hopefully you can find some sense of peace with this issue, it sounds like it's been a real struggle for your family.I am sorry but I disagree about your stance on the fighting, He never hit
back, which is what caused more and more people to hit him, thinking he
would not retaliate. Since he has been hitting those who hit him, no one hits
him any more.

As far as those kids go, after I put up my post, they moved down the street
so they were playing right in front of my house, effectively taunting my son.
When they had the nerve to come on my property, I told them to get off!!!

Quote "Since he has been hitting those who hit him, no one hits him any more."

You were posting for suggestions because these kids were throwing snow at your son repeatedly & not stopping even after being asked by him to stop, so to me...it's the same as hitting & obviously his relatiation hasn't stopped them.

I don't feel that I took a "stance" on the fighting issue in my suggestion post.  I haven't commented on any of your other posts regarding this issue simply because I do disagree, but your entitled to your opinion & to each their own so I have left it alone.  However, you asked for some thought or suggestions on the issue & how to move forward and I gave mine.  You don't have to agree, but you were looking for suggestions so I shared what I would do in that situation.  It seems to me that these boys are looking for a reason to fight, they are taunting him and you are feeding into it.  Why not encourage the more positive like your husband suggests & have your son steer clear of them.  Encourage playdates w/other kids who are pleasant to be around & enjoy your sons company.  Why would you want him to play w/them if they are that horrible?  I don't understand.  Maybe if their behavior isn't fed...they'll go away & bother someone else.  Give it a try....or don't.  Again, just my suggestion. 

 

it is not so much them as my son.  He is like a dog going back to be kicked over and over and I dont know how to stop him.  So, last night, new years eve, it has been 3 days since anyone has rang the bell to play, he has seen them outside playing and they did not invite him to join in but when he saw them last night, without Q, the ring leader, one of the boys spoke to him.

I asked my son does he not remember what happenned and how the last 3 days have been for him.  His response was that they had to act that way because of Q and since he is not there, he can go play if he wants.  I was shocked and pointed out that Q will be on the bus Monday when school starts up again and does he think it is ok then for the other kids to ignore him again?  He just stared at me.

These kids can treat him like dirt and I can redirect him all I want and he acknowledges that they are not being nice to him but yet, when he see's them, he continues to try to talk to them, play with them and join their group.  I am at a loss of what to do to stop it.  He is the most immature 10 year old I have ever seen and although I know about the 30% rule, even his 8 year old brother would not stand for that kind of behavior

so, how do I get it through his head that friends dont treat friends that way and that he should leave them alone?

Longsally,
A couple of ideas:
- You could simply not allow your son to play with that group of kids anymore. Tell him that they are not good friends; they are a bad influence; they are disrespectful, etc., so he is no longer allowed to play with them. I know it's really hard because it is so much easier when there are kids nearby and you can just go outside and play, but often it's not so easy. You can't force these kids to like your son or behave properly.  You wouldn't let your son play with kids who smoke, steal, vandalize, etc., so why let him hang around with this toxic bunch?
- Encourage and help your son find other kids to have over and play with--either from school, other parts of the neighborhood, or other activities, .
- Find an activity or two for your son to be involved in. It will give him something to do, provide a more structured environment, and an opportunity to meet other friends who share the same interest.
- Cultivate your son's interests. Anything your son is interested in, help him learn about it, participate in it, and develop skills. Again it gives him something to do that doesn't depend on kids in the neighborhood, and helps him develop skills and self-confidence and meet others with the same interests.
- Find an ADHD support group where you can meet other parents and maybe find play-mates for your son.
- Social skills class for your son.

Just some ideas and I know these all take time, effort, and energy and may not always pay off, but if even one of your efforts pays off a little, it would be worth it, I think. Best of luck.
well, I have tried and I think he finally gets it. School started back
yesterday and none of the kids even try to speak to him or say hello. I
walk him home and we do homework and then he can play inside with his
brother. If he wants to go out, we have a perfectly good backyard with a
swing set and monkey bars.

He noticed and remarks that they are all avoiding him. I pointed out that
for the last almost 3 years he has been yelling at them, screaming, always
stating he must be first, not playing fair and they have had enough. It is
what we always warned him would happen. I told him that this summer
will not be good as they will all be at the pool and I can guarantee it that
not one of them will play with him.

I did point out that he does have friends in school and plays with them at
recess as well as has friends outside the subdivision that he can see on
the weekends. The house has actually been a lot calmer now that he is
not running through the neighborhood and having fights with the other
kids. I do feel bad for him and make a point to close the blinds to the
front of the house after I arrive home so he cant see them outside and
doesn't know what they are doing.