I'm new here, I found this forum ironically because my husband had it pulled up tonight after another one of our episodes. :(
I will try to keep this short, as I know that's best and easier to follow. My son is now 10 years old. He was diagnoised with ADHD when he was 3 years old. By 1st grade I had resorted to medicating him. He's been on 4 different types of medication, currently Vyvannse. The meds allow him to get through his school day with little issues. He still has trouble sleeping and his eating is touch and go.
But none of that is the reason for my post... I was married before and divorced, I am now remarried for 2 1/2 years now. I have a new baby boy who is just 8 months old.
After my current husband and I married, I realized that he has some serious aniexity depression issues.. I believe he is bipolar, however one doctor disagrees, another agrees so it's a mute point. My husband refuses to take medications for various reasons, the most recent reason is because of his recent job loss and he's afraid that when he loses his insurance he won't be able to afford the meds... he wanted to wait to see about a new job.
My house is a ticking time bomb! :( I feel like I'm always working to defuse some type of potiental explosion. Between my husband and my son it's a nightmare where I live. My son suffers from depression because of his disorder, it's hard for him to find friends because of his intensity.. usually quiet children do well with him, but there's not many of those out there... and he best friend just moved away :( My husband is extremely down and depressed because of his job loss, and he's never really been able to handle my son anyways, so this just makes it worse... my son is the reason for 95% of our arguements.
I have tried to explain my son to my husband, I've read him books, I've done all I can do... my husband doesn't understand that lecturing him for 3 hours does NO good.. he probably heard 2 words of what he said, my husband is just wasting his breath. My husband flips at the drop of a dime, usually resorting in some type of cussing and throwing or hitting something. This behavoir is unacceptable to me, coming from a grown man.
I feel like my husband hates my son, when I married him it was not this way, but now it's rare he says anything postive to anyone but even more rare that he says anything postive to my son. I can tell my son sees this and feels it. I am afraid he is doing some long term damage to my son. I've talked to him about this, I've yelled at him about this, I've cried to him about this. I grew up in an abusive home, I DO NOT and WILL NOT let my children suffer like this. I do all I can by telling my son to stay clear of "daddy" until he calms down, or if I see him getting frustrated but of course we all know ADHD children don't tend to follow directions the best and when we are in places like the car there is no escape.
I don't want to break apart my family. Please understand my husband does not abuse my child, and he is a good man, truely is... he has a disorder as well that is preventing him from coping better with my child.
Any advice? I just don't know what to do anymore, apart from leaving him and as I mentioned before that is NOT something I want to do, but I've got to protect my son, he is hurting him, I think more than he can see. I know my son is challenging, I know that day to day life is extremely stressful.
My son is known for breaking things, making huge messes, leaving lights on, trying to wear the same clothes every day for a week despite you telling him "that shirts dirty, put it in the clothes basket".. he will leave food wrappers EVERYWHERE, his room is a lost cause, he will lie like there is no tomorrow and for no reason other than to not admit the truth, I mean questions like "have you brushed your teeth yet?" and he will take it to the grave insisting that he did even though you know for a FACT he did not. He will hide things in his room, he has no respect for anyone's personal items (this REALLY bothers my husband)
Anyways, sorry I said I was going to keep this short. I'm just so lost :( I need therapy.
I'm sorry that you are struggling so much. Have you tried family counseling? I'm sure you could find someone who works on a sliding scale, so you pay only what you can afford. I hope you find a way to keep your family together and lessen the strains in your household.I would probably focus on this:rIGHT ON bp.
Dear JSP, Get help quick. counselong for all. mandatory to stay in the house.
explore low cost options OR EVEN MOVING TO A BIGGER CITY. Dont wait for the big explosion
also, it takes two to fight...try alanon. go to atleast six meeting before deciding if it is for you.
good luck. you and yours are in my prayers and thoughts
I agree with BPQW: you already know the answer to your question. Even good guys can become "bad guys" if they refuse to treat their very real medical problems. I went through a very similar situation with my husband of 20 years. ADHD put a huge strain on our marriage, and therapy will help, but it will take a LOT longer if your husband doesn't get the medical help he needs. My husband's depression and anxiety eventually cost him his job and forced him to face his problems. He went on Zoloft and finally became the man I thought I had married. He understood ADHD cognitively before medication, but he couldn't truly understand, support, and love my daughter and me (who both have ADHD) until he addressed his own mental health. If I had to do it all again, I would have given him an ultimatum 10 years ago: get medication to treat your depression and anxiety, or our marriage is over. You don't have time to wait. A 10-year-old boy (and his very fragile self-esteem) need you to put on your "big-girl pants" and advocate for him. Do you want your sons to treat their own children this way someday? Or to marry someone who treats your grandchildren this way? You're teaching your children that your husband's abusive behavior (yes, it is abusive -- you know it is in your heart) is acceptable, and that their well-being is not important to you.
I grew up in a "ticking time bomb" house. I am so glad that I finally refused to let my children be raised the way I was. Break the cycle -- now.
I'm with you, JSC! My husband and two of my four kids have ADHD and I'm constantly playing referee and diffusing their fights. I can't help but think my husband would know so much about AHDH, that he would be a pro at handling his kids who also have it. Unfortunately, patience, thinking ahead, coming up with alternate plans are all things that adhd people can't do very well and are the exact skills needed to work with adhd kids.
Definitely encourage medication. Can he see your son is better on meds? During the weekend, they get to see each other while your child is medicated. Make sure they spend some time together. When they only interact when the meds are out of the system, it's a difficult relationship to treasure.
Hi, it really seems like a house full of strong characters. In addition to what