Another teacher gripe | ADHD Information

Thanks for your input everyone. Unfortunately I agree that the principal is going to back the teacher and I'd rather use some sneakier skills than a direct confrontation. If I can get the teacher to think she comes up with the solution, it will be better all around. I've still got two kids who will go to this elementary school, so I don't want to be labeled as a trouble maker just yet.

Several days pass without much happening. Then I talk to my son and he tells me this boy (I'm calling him C) is bothering him again. Here is the email I sent to the teacher:

I always ask N about the best and worst parts of his day. More and more often, the worst is when C tells N that N doesn’t have any friends, no one likes him, he’s stupid, etc. This is something that happens in the library, during free time, during math. N seems to think the comments are unprovoked, and I’ve encouraged him to just ignore C. This is the type of situation that N will ignore several times, then blow up. I just want to let you know that there is some animosity coming from C and we may be heading for another “he punched my butt” type of episode.

 

I’ll keep reminding N that C is just trying to provoke him but I’d appreciate any help you can give us on the C side of the situation.

The teacher's reply:

"Thank you for passing this along.  I talked with N and I think the strategy of keeping some distance between them is a good idea."

But - why didn't she talk to C? Or did she and she's just not mentioning it? I feel like this other kid is getting away with provoking my son and when the inevitable blow up happens, it's going to be my son's fault. Again.

Thinking about calling C's mom and see what she thinks about the whole thing. Or if she's even aware of it.

Not all teachers - I'm sure there are some great, very understanding ones out there - but the one my son has for fourth grade is driving me crazy. At the beginning of the year, I stressed communication. Basically, if you don't let me know what's going on, I can't be of any help. She took that as an invitation to complain about every little issue that comes up.

She sent me an email saying that a child was picking on my son and my son punched his butt. The other boy punched my son in the face and knocked him down. Okay, not appropriate behavior for either child. She asked me to come up with a plan to stop the butt punching. I asked what the other child's parents thought about the situation. (The two boys tend to not get along.) She said she didn't mention the incident to the other parents.

It's so frustrating for my child to be the only one blamed whenever anything happens. And I'm the one who has to come up with a plan to stop it.

Okay - I feel better. Thanks for letting me vent to people that I KNOW understand.

Oh my goodness.

Have you told the principal yet? I would be raising hell. If you're not
getting anywhere with the teacher and the principal, go to the
superintendent and the head of the special ed department.

Also, it could be that they have talked to the other parents, but they don't
want to tell you about it, it's a privacy thing. But if that's the case, it's also
a lie.

8 AM tomorrow - call the principal, request a meeting between the two of
you and the teacher, and bring an advocate so you have "even sides". Get
to the bottom of it as soon as you can. Your son deserves to be defended
(and doesn't it turn my stomach to have to put it that way) and you
deserve some peace instead of fuming over this stupid situation.

Good luck - let us know how it goes!Been there. The 3rd grade teacher sent complaint emails to me during my work day incessantly. Telling me that my son was disrupting the class etc, asking me what she should do. She was no dummy, just a game-player.

I would send a written request for a Behavior Plan (NOT a Behavior Contract!) to manage ongoing issues that the teacher is experiencing in the classroom. Send it to the school psychologist and CC the principal. AKA: the adults need to get together and come up with solutions, and then implement. Ask for a meeting. My grandson's 4th grade teacher was the same way.  I used to help out in the classroom on Friday afternoon, but it got to the point that every time I walked into the classroom to help, she would start complaining about him, so I just stopped showing up.  The Principal was no help.  They usually back their teachers.  He was always blamed for everything, even if another kid started it.  I was so turned off to the school that I wound up taking him out and homeschooling him for 5th grade.   GrannyC40604.851099537

I'm not sure on this, but I don't think they are supposed to tell other parents what they have said to other kids, etc.  It's a privacy issue.  She probably has talked to the other boy as well, and maybe even passed along an email to his parents, but she would not mention you to them if she did, for the same reason.  She would keep you and your son out of her communication with them as completely as she could.

I think I misunderstood. I thought the teacher was providing ongoing
complaints about your son's behavior. Are you just talking about conflicts
your son is having with another child? This is the only issue?

I have never had much luck being indirect with school staff, and I've had
many dealings with them. Generally they will ignore you and do as they
please because they think they know best. With regards to kids that get
after my son, I have only gotten results by using key language. Namely
BULLY. Talk about the effects of bullying, and how you know they don't
tolerate bullying, etc. Ask if they have any assemblies planned this year on
bullying. Ask if bullying is a big problem at the school. What you are
describing is an elementary school bully. I would
say go through the teacher, then principal, and would try no to involve the
other parent. Jessica N40617.9257523148

My 8 year old has the same problems in school. The other kids pick on him and call him a bully but when he blows up it is his fault. The teacher don't even want to hear his side. I am very tired of hearing complaints about him. He is a very loving and caring child. I wish his teacher would mention his good behavior instead of the bad. It makes me wonder how she is when I am not at the school.

I am so with you Bellas! What ever happened to that 5 positives for every 1 negative. And although I'm sure that sometimes it's my kids fault, it's not every time. And the teacher is already tuned out when he starts tring to explain what happened. He's talking too fast and in that round about, adhd way, and she says "Don't tattle."

In our last meeting, we talked about positive feedback and she actually told me today that.. wait for it... positive feedback seems to be working! Who would have guessed it? Making someone feel good makes them want to please you. So now when I get a complaint from her, asking what I'm going to do to fix it, I'll tell her "I like to sandwich complaints between two compliments. What did he do today that was really good?" Sometimes having to find the good reminds you that it's there.

 

Hi, some teachers are more highly skilled communicators than others.
Finding out how the teacher communicates in good and in bad times can
help you when you want to get information out of her.

sorry - I should have been more clear. Yes, it is a constant nit-picking situation. But when something that does need attention comes up, the teacher asks me how I'm going to fix it.

We did have a meeting and she said she's in constant contact with the other boys parents. That's what I wanted to hear. It felt like my kid was the only one being held accountable, but now that I know everyone is in the loop, it makes me feel better.

I volunteer in the classroom and I can tell the other boy has some personal boundry issues, so he tends to get too close and get handsy, which sets my kid off so he picks back. They are both annoying each other, but at least now I know the other parents are aware and helping on their end.

The word "bully" was mentioned a lot, but I made sure I didn't put all the blame on the other child, because I know my little Add-er can be trouble, too. And I think the teacher just didn't have a very good strategy to fix things. It seems parents of ADHD kids have a huge box of tricks that teachers don't even know about. Fingers crossed that this can work out!