Everyone was so excited about the extended day and extra playtime. Not me! I am so freaked out by the huge change in schedule and stamina needed (both mine and my 8yr old's) to shift. I miss the cozy schedule of winter hours.
There is simply no avoiding the direct neighborhood play, and I keep reminding myself it's healthy running around. I am with you, it's the screaming, age inappropriate meltdowns that are daunting, and some of the other kids (AND PARENTS who judge!).
I am going to be including my daughter in the plan this year....experimenting with limits that she feels comfortable with, rewarding behavior that handles situations well. It may mean we are somewhere else when the neighbor kids are out - prime play time is before dinner. Inviting her friends over who are supportive is the way we handled it last year, and it worked in keeping her out of the fray a bit. Wonder if this will be an option for your son?
So sorry, I share your stress.
I feel your pain more than you know. I also have GREAT anxiety when it is
Hi Matt's mom,
I read your post a while ago but didn't really have any groundbreaking suggestions. I get an email from a place called Celebrate Calm and the most recent one reminded me of your problem, although not exactly since it's siblings instead of a neighbor, but I thought you might like to read some of their suggestions. It's a little long, but I feel like it's good information. Even though there are annoying kids in the world, we can't blame them and let them take our power.
"Peter, I hate to break the bad news to you. The fact is you cannot control what other people do. You are going to be surrounded by irritating people and situations your entire life. And if you always react to them, you are giving power over your emotions to other people. You will be miserable. The good news is that it's not really about what other people do--your happiness and success in life depend on what YOU do."
So what can a child do to take back control over himself? Here's where the fun begins. Rather than remain a victim to his siblings, Peter is going to take back control of the situation. Instead of reacting negatively to his siblings' taunts, he is going to proactively use his emotional energy in purposeful, positive ways.
1) Replace negative energy/behavior with positive. When we first begin, it's helpful to find a purposeful object or mission to focus on. Peter really wants to buy a new game for his Wii, which costs about . Peter's Mom is creating a list of special projects Peter can accomplish in the morning to earn money to pay for the new video game. Each and every time his siblings bother him, instead of reacting to them and giving them power over his emotions, Peter is going to go complete a special task. We are giving him a purposeful focus for that energy.
2) Make it visual. Mom is putting a picture of the new Wii game on the refrigerator and dishwasher as a reminder. She's going to put a bottle on top of the frig where she drops coins after every special task is completed, so Peter can see both the game and his accumulating cash. Visual cues are better than verbal admonitions.
3) Go Clint Eastwood--use that oppositional nature. Most parents don't understand that the oppositional nature can be an extremely effective, even essential, attribute. I want Peter to use what is intended as a negative by his siblings as motivation to practice the opposite response.
"I know you guys think you are going to upset me, but you're not. In fact, I win either way. If you irritate me, I'm going to work harder and earn money more quickly so I get that new game. If you stop being so loud, then we all get along better. So go ahead, make my day!"
4) Praise. Peter isn't going to be perfect, nor should he be. We praise for progress, not perfection. Right now, he's screaming every morning. So as he uses his energy purposefully 3 out of 5 days, that's tangible progress. Praise him.
What's this really about? This isn't about getting a new video game. It's about your son and your daughter learning the most important skill necessary for success in life: self-control. It's about building confidence and knowing that I am in control of myself, no matter what anyone else does. Most parents can't even say that.
It's about feeling that inner satisfaction of knowing that I turned a really awful circumstance into something positive--not by changing other people, but by changing my own attitude. Is there really any skill more important than that? The fact is that we spend too much time trying to fix everything that's wrong with us and our kids--instead of investing our time and energy building these critical life skills.
Hope some of this helps!