Well? | ADHD Information

so, most of you know that my child was bullied by another child in second
grade and that even though his parents were told, the child went to
guidance and the father was called in by the principal, this child still
continues to this day and that last week, my son beat up this kid. The
result was that he has been told by his mother that he cannot be
anywhere my kids are.

He missed out on a birthday party last week because my child was invited
and I think there will be more of those. So here is the new problem.

My younger child was playing on the playground today and the younger
brother of the bully walked up to him and announce to my son's friend
that he was playing with that that he couldn't be around my child and
asked the other child to come play with him. The child did, until my son
pulled him over and told him what was going on.

right after that, the bully's younger brother announced to an entire group
of kids that my son's friend could not play because my child had been
talking to him. I told my son that this was just another form of bullying,
that he was trying to isolate my child, like his older brother did to my
older son and that he is to take it to the teacher every time it happens and
announce that he is being bullied.

Hubby thinks I am taking it to the extreme. Any thoughts?I think it's a lot to ask of a child to handle such a complicated problem on his own.  I do think a teacher should get involved. Some kids can be very manipulative and those that aren't seem to suffer.  I would invite one of the children over to do something really fun, and do this often.  I did this with my daughter when she had trouble making friends and while it took a long time, it did eventually work.   well, after my post, my son went across the street and asked another
neighbor boy to play and he said yes. The two of them played nintendo's on
the porch and then watched funny videos on you-tube.

The only bad thing that happened was bully went and knocked on this boys
door and when he heard this boy was over here, asked the mother to come
and get him. Instead of her telling him to, she actually came over to get her
son. I asked her in and explained what was going on, Upon hearing it all,
she told her son to stay here and play and he did just that, all afternoon.Here is a copy of the note I just sent to the assistant principal:


     Just a quick note to keep you in the loop. I am sure you remember the
problems we have had with xxxxxxx Even after I spoke with both parents
directly, the school sent e-mails, the child went to guidance and in the
end, Mr. xxxxxx was brought in to see Mrs. xxxx over his behavior, there
was little to no change in the child or his bullying. It has continued in the
neighborhood and on the bus for the last 3 years.
     I know I informed you that after 3 years of this, there was an
altercation about 2 weeks ago now. After this, The xxxx xx instructed
their children to stay away from mine, a very wise move and I completely
agree with it, however, here is where the new problem starts.
     At recess today, xxxx and another student went over to where several
children were playing and he called over a very good friend of his named
xxxxx. After xxxx was done talking to xxxxx he went to rejoin his game
and was told by xxxxx younger brother xxxxx that he cannot play
anymore as long as he is friends with xxxx and talking to him. This was
said in front of a large group of children.
     Apparently, this has been going on now since the fight between the
older boys. This is nothing but another form of bullying, trying to isolate
xxxxx from the other children. Lucky for xxxxx, he has wonderful friends
who became mad to xxxxx instead and hence the letter. Several of the
kids, xxxxx included decided that they would form a group against xxxxx
and get him back for being so mean. So, I am writing you to let you know
what is happening, showing more caring and concern for their child's well
being than they have ever shown to mine as he was apparently going to
get some second grade punishment.
     After what we have been through with xxxx, I will NOT tolerate xxxxx
being bullied, especially by another member of that same family. I am
hoping that we can take care of this situation before it escalates as it did
with the older boys.   Please let me know if you need anything else from
me.

I am just waiting for the response at this point.

I'm on the other end.  I have a violent neighbor and my kids are not allowed to play with him.  There have been a couple of times that he's almost caused serious injury to my children, and I cannot risk it. 

Here's how my kids handle it.  If that boy is playing with other kids, my children know that they cannot ask anyone to leave the other game and join my children.  However, if the other children choose to leave, that's their choice and then my kids can play with them.  It also goes the other way:  kids can leave playing with my children in order to join his game, and this boy doesn't ever ask them to do so.  Everyone in the neighborhood knows that my children cannot play with him, so it's a weird situation, but we all work around it.  There's another family who also doesn't allow their children to play with him and for the same reason, but I don't know if anyone knows about it because they're rarely together anyway.  They live much farther down the street and don't tend to come up my way unless we have a scheduled playdate. 

 

the thing is, my children are not violent. What bothers me is the way the
other children have responded. There are 2 kids across the street. They
go every day up the street to play with the bully and do not invite my
children to play at all.

Just yesterday, my son asked the kid across the street to play. That child
told my son to go upstairs in our home and get online to play black-ops.
AS soon as my son was upstairs, he ran, with another boy up the street to
play. When my son heard what he did, he went up and asked the boy why
he did that. The child said " well, I am friends with both of you and I
wanted to play with him today". My son then asked why he didn't just say
that in the first place to which the other child had no response.

As I am writing this, the same 2 children across the street are walking up
the street to play with the bully again. Whatever that child has said to
these children, they want to play with him more than my child. My heart is
breaking for my son. He is smart, kind hearted, loves animals and plants
and is not intentionally cruel to anyone. It is all so sad.

Mamamia has a great suggestion. Just make your house fun.

Kids are fickle about who their best friend is from day to day. The kids who are gravitating to the ones your son doesn't get along with will get bored and move on. Unless they can tell they are getting a huge reaction, then it may take longer.

I think it's important you don't make too much of a fuss about it, though. Remember when they were little and the would fall and then look at us to see if they should cry? Your son is looking at you to gauge his own reaction and you can just blow it off (as hard as that may be for you) instead of letting him see that the other boy is bothering you, too. Say "Well, that's not fair and I hope you know better than to act like that, but we're going to have fun anyway because we're going to ...." Distraction is still a great tool.

I hope you didn't interpret my post as saying your son is violent!  My children's experience seemed relevant because they can't play with someone in the neighborhood, so I was saying how we handle it.  I'm not saying it's right or wrong that the other mom has banned her children from playing with your son, just am sharing a similar situation.

I agree not to make too big of a deal about this.  Invite others over for playdates, and hopefully they'll accept the invitation.  If the kids choose to play with the other child sometimes, remember that's not a slight against your child.

well, after my post, again, the boy from across the street came over and
brought 3 of the neighbor kids with him. They played nintendo for a
while, raided my pantry, then went out to play. Again, within 20 minutes,
one of the boys called my son a "b..ch". It ended up with my son inside. I
put my foot down and told him that he is not allowed to play with those
kids anymore. He can play with his brother in the yard or with the friends
his brother brings over but that is all.

Another mother on the street stated that her 5 year old is being told my
the older kids who to not like and he is already saying he hates my son,
even though he doesn't know him!!! The mother says the kids in the
woods trash whatever child is not around and that it is disgusting
behavior and she cannot stand it.I have two neighbors that do the same issue.

The parents can't get along. So the kids cant play together. .   
This one of those chances that gets me involved when both groups
want my daughter to play. It become a begging tug o war


I usually intervene by creating time and space. So there isn't as much
emphasis on the parents rules.   We just withdraw to lunch or dinner.
Then later. I send h out when only group is present.

I don't like it's bizarre but it is what it is.   what bothers me most is the
parents. Allowing this. Year after year.

I have no rules who plays in my ( the biggest yard )

I finally had words with one of the mothers.

All the children were playing in the yard. Nothing out ordinary when
she appeared and wanted every to go to her house for no reason.

But would bessie. With no one. And have watch all other kids playing
except her.

My words were this

Take the kids out of this yard. And they won't be welcome. Here of
course this set her off. So I screamed. At her. Your cruel to children
Your kids can stay but you can't play here anymore.

I think she finally got it. After having to watch the play from her porch.
She sat there for hours. Watching them. Have fun . Later I went to
talk to her which at first. She took as I was there to yell at her again,
but I apologized instead. And pleaded. With her that my yard would be
a neutral zone. And the kids really do get along. So they should be
able to play together in the big yard on weekends. Unsupervised by
her or. The other mother as long as my wife or myself are supervising.


It didn't take long for disputes. Between the kids. , screaming and
crying,   I still have to tell the mothers. Let the kids work it out. As long
as their not fighting. Let them play it out. No like to give in to cry
babies. The older boys of the same families play together no matter
what the parents say to them.    I just think years and years of
separation can't. Just snap figers and everything be simple and easy.

The way I see it. It's like the snobs against the good girls. Who. Cry
way too much.   
Just got to let them work out if they can't then. Bulking can't occur

So sending a note to the school like this woman has. Is right.
Communicate.    But school should be a neutral zone. .

And the adults there armed with. Communication. Should be able to
keep them separated.    , but I agree. Not isolated. .


I do not know if you have looked into this, or if this is just a figment of my imagination.  But I thought that if a school had to many or any maybe, bullying issues that they would loose money from either the state or federal.  I am not sure of this.  Maybe you should look into it, since the school is letting this go on and on.  Have you thought to get a lawyer and sue the district for letting this go on.  This so reminds me of the story last week of the poor boy who retaliated and got into trouble.  I know you have been dealing with this for awhile, but I would just be getting into the school's face, go talk to the principal over and over.  It is obvious the small steps that they have taken isn't working.Longsally, I wonder if you should look at your son's diagnosis again?  It sounds to me like there might be something more than ADHD, and if you know what it is then of course it is easier to treat.  He is lucky to have you as a mom, you are obviously a big advocate for him!My son was retested last year and after 5-6 hours of testing, they said he
was straight adhd...Nothing underlyingI agree with you guys and that is what I do. I told my son yesterday that
we were going to go outside and do something fun together. Then my
son realized the other boy was home and asked him over.

Mom2adhdboy, I did not take offense to your post. I was just saying that
my children are not violent by nature. Again, on the bus, one of the two
brothers was jerking on my sons backpack and my son did nothing!! I
told him that if it happens again, he should warn the kid to stop or else.
After that, let him have it!!!! The other child will have made physical
contact first.

I am so tired of my child being the one that taking all the crap. I was
inviting others over for a while but son is almost 11 and it looks funny if I
ask kids over to play with him. The last time the kids did this, my son
ignored them all on the bus, didn't knock on doors, played with his
brother in the backyard. The one child across the street actually came to
him and asked to start their friendship over. It wasn't long though before
he was ditching my son again.

My son has already said that when these kids come back knocking again,
that he is going to tell them he doesn't want to play with them.

It seems the neighborhood kids aren't great play options.  Too bad since it's convenient, but that's how it goes unfortunately!  Is it an option to have him schedule playdates with others outside of the neighborhood?

Also, if he punches someone for pulling on his backpack, he might still get in trouble even though the person touched him first.  Do they sit near each other on the bus?  Can your son try to sit away from that boy?

Mom2ADHDboy40627.7180324074The problem really is that my son cannot handle being in a group. He is
ok by himself, he is ok one on one. Put him in with a group of kids, he
gets overloaded and acts and speaks without thinking.

Yesterday is a perfect example. We were at Wednsday night school at our
house of worship and during break, he went and got his nintendo. What
did he do? He literally stood in the middle of 3 boys trying to play
basketball with his nintendo calling one of the boys over and over and
over again, trying to get him to stop what he was doing and look at his
nintendo. The boys were completely ignoring him and my son didn't stop
until I called him into the building and made him come upstairs with me.

Although he stated to me that he knew he was being ignored, he didn't
stop. We are paying for social skills classes and they have made NO
impact on his behavior at all. So far, we have enacted a new behavior
mod system in the house with chips and each chip is worth 20 minutes of
electronic time. I told hubby that we might need to add his interactions
with others onto the board,

I am really concerned about his future. He acts the same in elementary
school towards others as he did in preschool. I am afraid he will do no
better in middle school or high school. I told hubby, I am afraid he will be
one of those people that can do a great job but no one will like him so he
will not be able to hold a job.

I realize that I need to let go and just let him make a fool of himself in
front of the other kids so maybe he will learn but, from personal
experience and from watching him, he will not learn, only be hurt over
and over,LongSally, I certainly can sympathize with you.  I've been reading your posts for a while and your son sounds like mine.  He was actually diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD when he was 5.  I changed his diet and within 2 weeks he was no longer bouncing off the walls.  BUT... in large groups, field trips, etc. he would get silly.  His social skills were immature -- trait of Aspergers.  When he was along or one on one he was much better.   I stayed on him and kept guiding him towards better behavior.  It was a tough struggle, and emotionally draining.  Now he attends middle school and I am thrilled with how much better he is behaving.  I just had to post so that you know you are not alone.... and... that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Fortunately for us, the light showed up in 6th grade.  Hope it does for you too!!!

The other thing you had discussed was how your son wouldn't stand up for himself.  My son was the same way.  He was in Karate for 2 years, and yet he wouldn't defend himself.  Made himself an easy target.  Then he started retaliating out of frustration.  Others knew he would never tell on them so they would pick on him and when he sought revenge he got caught.  Again, it was this year (6th grade) that he finally went to an adult who listened to him and found out this was the best to retaliate.  The 'bully' got in trouble!!

Hope this fills you up with some hope!!  :)
Vic, it does and thank you. This child will be 11 this year and he has a
hard time even getting along with my younger sons friends!!!. He talks
over people, talks completely off topic, doesn't make eye contact, and is
very bossy. He did learn to retaliate if you read my earlier post he finally
beat up the bully 3 weeks ago.

I say things to him, like last week we were pulling into the garage and the
"group" of boys was across the street and I told him to just get out of the
car, do not say anything to those boys and go into the house. As the
garage door was going down, he yells out " hi" to them. He then proceeds
to tell me he "forgot" that I had just told him not to. He doesn't learn.

This summer, I am sending him away to camp for 6 days and 5 nights. I
am sure that he will be picked on and will alienate himself very quickly,
he usually does but I am still sending him and next year, he is going for 2
weeks. This will be, by the way, the first break hubby and I have had
since he was born.
I am wondering if he is too old to change his behaviors.longsally40633.4490740741Sally,

You are describing my son to a tee.  I used to worry that he would stick out like a sore thumb.  He didn't care that he seemed to march to a different beat.  He would say and do silly things.  BUT......  I observed other kids and saw them doing silly things too.  I would try to stay on him, maybe do some role playing, and try real hard to relax (I know that is not easy!!).  My son is finally noticing girls BIGTIME.  I keep stressing to him that girls like boys who act mature.  I think this is having some impact on him.

Vicki
As far as neighbor kids go, we had problems with the girls in our neighborhood.  They knew my son wouldn't defend himself.  So they would run home and tell their mom my son pushed them off their bikes.  My son is not aggressive.  So I knew they were lying -- mostly for attention.  Another girl in our neighborhood was a drama queen -- and always seeking attention from her mom, so she would lie to her mom about things my son did.  I never left the two alone so I knew it wasn't true.  So I quit allowing her over.  Then I started having a 'fun friday' where I would let my son invite 2 or 3 boys and we'd get some pizza, pop and go hang out at a park for a few hours every friday.  Sometimes they would just bring their Nintendo DS's and hang out at our house for a couple of hours.  I would monitor the group and the boys always seemed to get along fine.  You might want to try that -- playdates with boys only!!  I'm sure it'll have a positive effect on his social skills!!

Vicki


Well, he really only has boys as friends. There are a few good friends but
they do not live in the neighborhood and the only reason they are even
friends is their parents are good friends of mine and they understand my
sons problems and direct their kids accordingly.

It just breaks my sons heart when he looks outside every day and they are
all playing and he is not invited or they trick him to get away from him.

I keep telling him that next year is different. He will get off the
elementary school bus at 235-240 pm. These kids, all moving up to
middle school, have to be picked up and wont be home until at least 4pm
and Middle school has already told them that they will have homework in
all 7 subjects every night. Even if it is 15 minutes, that is almost 2 hours
worth so I don't expect to see these kids out on a school night until 8 pm,
which is something I see now.

I told him that he and his brother can take one hour and ride bikes,
scooters, etc while these kids are gone. When he see's them pulling up,
time to come inside and do homework.