You may get less responses if you ask who here HASN'T had a conversation like this! I really HATE the saying "Boys will be boys!" I have had it with many, many of my family members. My mother-in-law is the only one I lost my temper with. Most of them I simply said, yes, all kids do these things. It's a matter of degree. If a child is doing things like this to the point that is affecting their academic, social or family life, there is a problem. I told my MIL that she may think things are just fine but she is not the one who picks him up from school every day with a sick feeling in her stomach, wondering what he did that day. She was not the one who knew the principal better than she had ever hoped to, and for all the wrong reasons. She was not the one who cried for her son when he was never, ever invited to a birthday party or playdate.
The only thing I accomplished that day was that she didn't talk to me about it anymore. There were 2 things that finally convinced her that he needed the help he was getting. One was his first report card after he started meds, where every subject improved hugely. The second thing was when he independantly started talking to her about how much happier he was since he was taking the medication, how he felt better and was so pleased that he wasn't in trouble all the time anymore.
Good luck with it, this is never easy.
One other thing - what often helped me to keep my temper was remembering that most people who tell you these things think it will make you feel better. They are trying to reassure you that your kids are just fine. They don't understand that when you know something is wrong, it makes you feel worse.
Last week my sister and I were talking about my kids who have ADHD; she hasn't spent much time around them lately has she had been living out of state for 5 years. I tried to explain what it was like to deal with ADD on a daily basis, how it affected their behavior and school performance. What frustrated me about this talk was the way she kept shooting down every example I gave as "oh kids are just like that" "It's natural for kids to be messy" "most kids ignore adults, I used to do that too" --in other words, as if I was just imagining the ADD because I couldn't see how "typical" my kids really are. Then the kicker, she suggested that my 12 year old son's disorganization issues would probably be helped if I re-enrolled him in Karate like when he was 5 years old because his behavior was probably just a discipline problem--"Karate is good for helping kids get more disciplined."
I don't expect most people to know about or understand ADHD; I never used to know about it myself before my kids were evaluated. However, it is important to me that my family members have a basic understanding of it because I want them to be able to spend time with my kids and not just assume that they are being rude or rambunctious or whatever. It really helped me to understand finally that they have a valid neurological condition.
Have you ever had a similar conversation with a family member? Were you eventually able to get them to understand ADHD to any degree?
I am so sorry you had to go through that... something I found recently (that I sent out to relatives) really hit home... google "What your son wants to tell you about his ADHD" letter.... it will bring you to tears... but very effective in understanding what they go through... and scary as my son is only 9 and it also goes into things in teenage and adult years... yikes... I would email them the link to the letter like I did with my family.
It is strange how it seems very few people ever see the really bad times... most just see the hyperness or aggression side but not the mean side they can have at times...
let me know if you find it...