WHAT A DAY!!!! | ADHD Information

This post will get mixed reviews and on the one side, I am VERY PROUD.  On the other, I am concerned.  Here is what happened..........

Son was playing outside at recess at school and the bully started in on him calling him names.  We have had previous documented problems with this child.  My son got in his face and told him to stop as well as several other children who told him to stop.  The bully then placed his hands on my child and shoved him.  The result?  I get a call from the school to come and pick up my child as he is being suspended.  The vp says " he is lying in the nurses room with an ice pack on his face, a split lip, a bloody nose and his eye is swelling shut".  MY CHILD?  I loudly inquired?  "no, the other child".  I was in shock.  Apparently, my son pummeled the other child in the face repeatedly and the bully never got one hit in.

So, I was then informed that the bully was not being suspended, as he already was punished and not getting away scott free after what my son did to him. The vp also told me that shoving was not fighting.   I did not agree and called the principal this am and stated that since that child started it ( they admitted that) and he placed his hands on my son first, he should be suspended as well.  The principal agreed and the child was suspended this am.

So, I am proud that my son showed no fear and kicked the crap out of that child in front of witnesses and as a result, everyone is talking about it and the neighbor kids came calling today, suddenly, they want to play and not be mean.  I am scared because my son went overboard and pummeled the other child.  I am not suire how to proceed.  I do not want to confuse him by telling him to just hit once and I tried to explain about walking away from a fight when you have the chance and he seemed perplexed.  So, does anyone have any ideas how to handle this?  My son returns to school tomorrow.

If you are concerned about the size of your child's response, ask him about it. Ask him how he felt right before he started hitting, while he was hitting, and immediately afterward. It's very possible that's he's afraid of how he felt while he was hitting, too, and doesn't know how to talk to anyone about that. That loss of control can be scary. He could be afraid that if he talks about it and draws attention to it, it could somehow make his punishment worse. I don't think that there is anything wrong with acknowledging to your child that you also have mixed feelings about the incident and that while you are glad he stood up for himself, you feel bad for him that he was feeling so out of control.

It is a very complicated issue.  Nobody wants their child to be subjected to emotional or physical bullying.  They must stand up for themselves.  How to do so is a very complex issue. 

For my children, I have taught them that, if someone touches you, you get them off you and then get an adult.  When a fellow student pinned my child to the ground, I was OK with his repeatedly kneeing the kid until he got off my son.  The school also was OK with it.  My child didn't get in trouble at all.  That's because, once the other guy was off him, my son went straight to the recess aides.  Another time my child elbowed someone in the stomach because that student had wrapped his arms around my son in order to immobilize him.  Again, school had no problem with it and I was okay with it because nothing continued after that.  My son no longer touched him once the guy released his hold.

Longwinded answer, but I would say that's what you should teach him.  Defend yourself to the point only of stopping the other child from hurting you and not to cointue afterwards.  If someone shoves you, walk away.  If someone hits you, tell the school.  If someone restrains you, get them off you any way you need to do so, but then stop once they're off you.

You asked for input, so that's mine. 

I teach my kids to walk away if they can and to defend themselves if they have to. The bully should be leaving your son alone now....unless he didn't learn enough, lol. You did the right thing going to the principle to ensure the bully was suspended also. I'm proud of your son for standing up for himself, that took a lot. I agree you should ask why he just kept hitting the bully, It just might have been that he was too scared to stop for fear he would have gotten hit. I think he'll be fine at school.

Longsally,

I'm new to the message boards and was brousing through the different topics & posts. I read through ALL of your comments & replies because my 11 yr old son Cyle is ADHD diagnosed in 2nd grade and has bullying issues. Just yesterday he came home and demanded a hair cut, telling me because his hair was getting long people were laughing at him & calling him names. So we cut his hair! Now mind you we do not live in the big 'ole city we actually live in WV in a rural area. I constantly get into his little battles that go on with 1 or 2 of the kids in our neighborhood ...always the same few and have even been to their home and confronting their parents about the nasty behavior towards not just mine but other children. I guess as parents of ADHD children we "protect" them more because of how emotional they are. I have tried to talk about this with other parents but they look at me like I am an alien or something because they really have no clue about the struggles the parents of ADHD children do go through. I have 4 boys Cyle is the only 1 with ADHD he gets the brunt of the teasing even by his siblings ...and yes he starts alot of it himself. Sometimes it's hard for me to tell him kids are kids and to ignore it. I have gone to the school and it's not everyday bullying, it's more like 1 child this day getting mad at the other, the next day they are friends kind of thing. Cyle has been told the same thing pretty much if you can walk away do it, if you are hit 1st defend yourself, and if you are constantly bullied to tell. I am afraid for him enetering middle school next year, I know I have to let him venture out and defend himself some ....ugg

I did try to talk to him....Hubby was so "over" his being bullied constantly that he told my son to hit and not stop until a teacher seperated him and that is exactly what he did.  He said that he didnt stop punching because the other child never stopped fighting him.....I am planning to talk to his karate instructor on Tuesday about teaching him to "hold it back" and how to do so.I would think the thing we should try to do is teach kids how to behave when they "grow up".  I think if the same thing happened when he was an adult, he could possibly go to jail.  I can certainly understand the frustration over having your child bullied but he will need to be very carefull as he gets older.  I am really happy to hear he is doing karate, I think you are on the right track having the karate instructor talk with him.Well....remember when I said, walk away if you can and defend yourself if you have to??

Well....defend yourself....had to happen when Mark asked them to leave him alone. He was playing at the park, quietly the boys (3 boys and 1 girl) came over took his pogo stick and wouldn't give it  back when he asked nicely, small shoving match ensued then the cousin of the other boy jumped on his back, so Mark took him down and the cousin got hurt a little but then Mark stopped. The boys went to tell grandma and then got the older boy up the street to come down and settle things.
 Mark said to leave him alone and tried to walk away, the older boy ended up knocking him to the ground and giving him a black eye.  Needless to say... I went down to the older boys house where they were all standing around looking all smug, that look didn't last long when I asked what was going on and what is your side of the story? the father came out of the house and things got settled.( I think) apologies were given and the threat from the father to the boys this better NOT happen again. So....it's not just your son.   Is it something in the air??? 
see, I did get involved all the time and hubby said that it hurt my son
because the kids all knew that I would get involved. He is 10 and at this
point, he really needs to try to work things out for himself!!!

I did speak with the kids in the neighborhood after the fight (they came
knocking) and I told them that the fight my son had with the child up the
street is between my son and that boy and they should not get involved.

The other child has tried to stop them from playing with my son and now,
all the kids are here. Yesterday, there were 11 kids having a really cool
water fight in my backyard. They were loud and I know the kids up the
street heard the entire thing, everyone here having fun.

I guess I am a little rednecky as I was very glad that they heard it. Also,
to show how bad I am, I actually ordered bumper stickers that are on their
way to my home that say "my son beat up the school bully".

longsally, you never cease to amaze me, love the bumper stickers!!

And the rednecky comment - lol!!

I graduated TCU in Ft. Worth and know Texas, and LOVE it!!

That's great!! I'm glad your son is having friends over!! Too bad for the creeps up the street! Mark let me step in to question the one who punched him but, made me promise not to talk to the first kids grandma. I would have let them deal with it on their own....but, when it's 3-4 against 1....sorry no can do!
Next time you should order pizza for the water gun fights...  lol  

The schools continue to empower the bullies. Those who stand up for themself or another, are the ones punished. Look at what is being taught in schools! They are being taught to tell not touch. They are being taught to be wimps.

 

This is a tough one.  Bullies can cause such damage - with kids even going as far as committing suicide to escape them.  I must say, I was happy the bully was stopped.  Sorry your son had to be the one but let's hope the bully learned his lesson.

I feel bad for your son. It's hard enough being bullied, but he's getting three different inputs on how to handle it. The school says "Don't hit back" his mom says "hit back, but only a little" and his dad says "beat the crap out of him."

As Aussie Mum says, we are trying to grow children into responsible people. If someone pushed you, would you hit them back a little? Would your husband beat them until they were separated? I think the school has the only long term solution that will work. Both you and your husband would be charged with assault.

The info from the karate teacher should be along the lines of the school. I've got a few tae kwon do students in my family and the idea behind martial arts is to defend yourself by getting away, not hurting anyone. They talk about peace and study how to block and take people down.

I'm assuming from your post that you're looking for answers, not just reassurance. You said you were concerned, so I'm hoping you'll take the criticisms with an open mind and not just defend your position of teaching your child to hit.

Although grade school seems to last forever when you're in it, it's such a small part of our children's lives and we need to make sure we are steering them in the right direction.

I want to thank everyone for their input and momto4boys, I am not
offended and I like all criticism as long as it is fair and not attacking. That
is why I love this board so much. I get so many points of view>>>

I agree as well that he is confused. What I would like is for my son to
defend himself and then find a teacher to tell. With that said, my son did
find teachers and tell for all of 2 and 3rd grade and all that happened was
the bullies continued and my son got the rep of being a tattletale. Hubby
said that usually, all it takes is one good fight and for the other kids to
see that he is not afraid for the tables to turn and I think that is what has
happened.

I am looking for answers and what I would like is for my child to avoid
fighting at all costs. Do I expect him, however, to turn and run every time
someone bothers him? no. Because he does have very bad adhd, he is a
constant target and there is always someone who wants to pick on him.

He will not be changing who he is at this stage of the game so all I can
hope for is that he learns where and when to apply his skills.