I just found this forum and I almost feel like crying. I have read some of the posts and see that there are many out there with the same issues we have. I am the step mom to three children with ADD/ADHD. Their biological mom is not in the picture so we have them full time. My husband and I have been married for almost five years (longer than the mom was in the picture for the youngest child). The two younger kids have ADD and only take Concerta on school days to help them concentrate in school. My older step daughter, we'll call her Little Miss, just turned 13 and has ADHD and is on Focalin. (I also have a 15 yr old son from my first marriage without add/adhd.)
Aside from the hyperactivity and inattentiveness (at an all time high now that she is in 6th grade, with friends and boys distracting her from the already challenging schedule with multiple classrooms and teachers!), this year has brought outrageous lying, stealing of mostly food and candy, and disrespect. I get the brunt of the lying and disrespect, being the step mom (even though I am the only mom she has in her life). What I am hoping to gain from this forum, aside from being a place to vent to people who understand, is tips or tricks on how to parent this child. I tend to be stricker than her dad because I want to teach her life lessons and how she will have to deal with the real world someday. But Dad has also realized that what we have been doing is NOT working. Little Miss has lost all priviledges countless times and it doesn't seem to faze her at all. I like the marble idea and need to really think about it and tweek it to a 13 year old girl. I very much agree with many who say punishment doesn't work, so maybe we need to try positive re-inforcement. But it's so hard to want to reward her when she does one little thing right, especially when it's something the other kids do as a normal chore or activity, when there are so many things she does not even seem to be trying to do right.
For example, the #1 thing her teachers said she should do to stay organized at school is to write the daily agenda in each class in her calendar book in her binder. Some days she does this, some days she doesn't. We can't call the school every day to see what she is working on. She has to take some of that responsibility. The fact that she won't take 2 mins at the beginning of each class to write down the agenda drives me crazy! To me, it is not the adhd that keeps her from doing it, that is her being stubborn and wanting to talk with friends instead of writing it down. There is only so much we can do here, she has to want to apply the skills we give her to manage her adhd. She pretty much always has zeros for missing assignments. When we ask her about them she says she did them already (just to get out of trouble at that moment) and more often than not we find out she has not done them at all, or just didn't turn them in on time.
I have no support from my family. My parents and sister, who are in town and see Little Miss more often than other family members, just put me down for giving her consequences for her actions. They see Little Miss' petite frame and big blue eyes and don't believe she does anything wrong. I am just the mean mom. They don't understand how it is a daily struggle with the schoolwork and the constant lying. My sister knows about the stealing of food and candy and that we don't give Little Miss much sweets due to her hyperactivity, yet for Little Miss' birthday her kids made a card and put candy all over it. When I asked her about it she told me to "get over it, it wasn't that much candy". When Little Miss was younger and the medication made her not want to eat and we would push her to eat more because the doctor was worried about her low weight and height, my mom just said the doc was crazy and I shouldn't be "making her eat".
I know I have rambled a bit and there are so many more examples I could give but I have a feeling some of you will have already experienced the same things and I am just so thankful to find a place where I can express my feelings without being put down.
So, thank you for listening!!
Wow! Little Miss sounds alot like my 15yr step-son. With exception he is not disrepectful, but I think that is due to he just keeps it all inward. I have seen text messages to his friends about me in the past.
I just had this discussion with the family therapist. I am doing everything in my power to get him to do or bring home his homework. The only thing that has seem to work, has been push ups. I know that sounds very unusual but for each offense of not bringing homework home. He has five more pushups added on. (My husband is a Marine). I think he stopped at 40 push ups and has rememembered everyday afterwards. No slips, so far with the bringing homework home issue. Now we are moving on to, turning in the assignments. I still havent gained an idea how we are going to get there. I think, it will have to be done weekly. Still work in progress there.
Hope that helps a little... One frustrated Step-Momma to Another :)