ADHD in someone who does well at school? | ADHD Information

Hi,

I am looking for anyone who might have a similar experience to mine and
can offer suggestions.

I am a 33 year old male. I am a PhD student, have been in school my
whole life, and have always been very successful academically. I have
always been able to sit still and patiently listen without interrupting. I
rarely get angry. I am very reserved around strangers and around groups
of people. Obviously, no one, including myself, suspected I might have
ADHD (although people who have come to know me really well have told
me that they think I probably have *some* condition -- they are just not
sure what).

My problem is that my mind races incessantly. It is constantly thinking
about some topic that seems interesting at the time or looking for
something interesting to think about, and I have no control at all over it. I
feel like my mind is some kind of wild animal that is constantly on the
verge of starvation, racing around looking for scraps of food to eat and
greedily devouring anything it sees. Once I've found something that
catches my interest, I may work on it in my head (or on my computer) for
hours on end, maybe for days or weeks in a row, often only grudgingly
giving into basic life-sustaining activities such as eating or sleeping
during these periods. And lest you start to think this is a positive thing,
here's the problem: none of this thinking is ever done with any clear goal
or purpose in mind and therefore it all results in little or no measurable
improvement in my life! I come up with ideas about random things that I
don't have the interest and/or ability to turn into anything productive or
usually even to write down. Moreover, my mind feels like it is in a
constant state of agitation. As is more typical for ADHD sufferers, I have
very little patience for routine activities like shopping for food or paying
bills. And I am never focused on what I am physically doing or what is
going on around me.

As I progressed through school, these mental patterns helped me get
good grades because I could direct my mind toward school work often
enough. But I have come to realize that, at this point in time, my mind is
95% occupied with things that are irrelevant to any goals in my life
because my mind is only good at a very narrow kind of thinking and I have
very little control over what topics I can focus on. I have gotten
progressively more and more frustrated by the situation and feel like my
mind is a serious impediment to leading a normal adult life.

I thought that this situation was simply a curse that came along with
being intelligent and there was nothing I could do about. But several
months ago, I tried some Adderall that I got from a friend. After taking it
several times (10mg doses or so), I realized it made me very calm and
alleviated much of the constant agitation in my head. It makes me work
and move more slowly, even seemingly making me worse at some of the
mental gymnastics I can normally do when I get absorbed in an activity,
but it makes me much more capable of dealing with many aspects of daily
life that had always felt like an extreme struggle. And it gives me control
of my mind, letting me turn it off when it is not thinking about something
useful. In addition to my experience with Adderall, it may be worth noting
that every other stimulant I've tried, including (but not limited to) caffeine
and Sudafed, makes me feel relaxed, sleepy, and/or "slowed-down"
(unfortunately, none but Adderall makes it easier for me to think clearly).
As I understand, this effect of stimulants is very typical for people with
ADHD.

I have spent many long hours trying to figure out what it going on with
me. My theory is that my brain is wired like someone with ADHD, having
a broken dopamine/reward system, except that for me, external sensory
stimulation offers relatively little satisfaction in comparison with certain
(very specific) kinds of internal mental activity, which offer me an easy
way to find short-term gratification. In a sense, I am "addicted" to certain
thinking patterns that generate pleasure. However, ADHD is defined and
diagnosed through behavior, and I do not have the common external
traits of ADHD. To be sure, my behavior is extremely impulsive, but in
ways that I often can and do hide in order to appear as normal as
possible. And where my eccentric behaviors are visible, I have harnessed
them for productive ends often enough that people think of me as
"successful" and "competent", even though I feel that the majority of my
actions and my life are completely out of control. I impulsively waste time
for as long as possible, spending it on activities that are not really even
"fun" in any normal sense of the word (e.g., writing this forum post), but
then I somehow always manage to save myself and do what absolutely
needs to be done at the last minute.

After looking for research on ADHD, I think I am one of the people on the
fringe of what is understood as ADHD. I think I should probably be on a
stimulant medication, but those can only be legally prescribed for ADHD.
Does anyone else have a similar problem? Does anybody know about
information on this kind of scenario? Is there any hope that I will find a
psychiatrist that can help me?
straw_man40702.7717361111Okay, so I admit that the meds have worn off for the day,
and I didn't read every word of your post... hopefully I
got the gist of it correct.

I am also in a PhD program; I wasn't diagnosed until
about two years into my degree, when the structure of
classes was tapering off and I was expected to be working
diligently on independent research.

You can probably get diagnosed for "free" (paid for by
your school fees) through your school clinic or other
school resource (for example, my school has the
Psychological Services Center).

It's a bit of a long process, at least it was at my
school (made longer by my frequent inability to make and
keep appointments), but knowing that there is a
neurobiological basis for my "quirky" behavior was a huge
relief (for the most part).

Meds aren't for everybody, but they can make it easier to
focus by quieting the mental noise for a while. I'm
grateful they work so well for me.

I started with Ritalin, but didn't really like the
abruptness of it, so I switched to Adderall, which works
well. I eventually tried Vyvanse, and it has so far been
the best for me, though I have short-acting Adderall for
when I have to focus later in the day after the Vyvanse
wears off.

I don't take the meds every day, just when I really need
to focus and I'm having a hard time getting my brain to
cooperate.

When I first found out I have ADHD, I was incredibly
frustrated by the lack of information on the internet
about ADHD and grad school...

There's a discussion group on ADDerWorld you might find
helpful...
http://adderworld.ning.com/group/postgraduatestudy

Good luck!

Hi, I appreciate the reply. I had forgotten I posted this.

I just finished going through a very extensive testing and interview
process for diagnosing ADHD. I didn't mention anything about
"dopamine," but the psychologists ended up explaining things to me in
just that way. My brain lacks enough dopamine, which results in
compulsive drives to find something interesting and also results in much
less "working memory." Without sufficient working memory, a person
cannot "self-regulate" because they cannot plan, prioritize, or monitor
themselves in order to steer their course. These patterns are a definite
part of ADHD but are apparently also often a part of other disorders such
as autism, OCD, Turret's, etc. Psychologists haven't recently been using
the term "executive function disorder" (EFD) to describe the case where
these traits appear on their own, but the disorder is not recognized as
completely "official" yet.

My intelligence in spite of a working memory deficiency seems to arise
from the fact my brain has developed some powerful compensating
mechanisms. e.g., from childhood, I have "seen" each digit 0-9 as having
an inherent color associated with it, which apparently helps me use my
visual memory to help remember numbers, whereas other people would
use their working memory. I never understood why no one I met ever
noticed a color-number association, but now it is starting to make sense.

Since EFD is not an official disorder and it is related to ADHD, the doctors
are willing to prescribe me ADHD medication because stimulant meds are
designed precisely to increase dopamine. The doctors said that I am
lucky in the sense that EFD is the most "treatable" part of ADHD.

I hope this info might help others like me in a similar situation.