A few more questions... | ADHD Information

First I just want to thank everyone for the advice thus far.

Medication: I was taking 20 mg of adderall twice a day and each dose works for about 2-3 hours. I tryed switching to 20 mg of all day Ritalin and that did nothing. So I started the adderall again and I am seeing less of an effect then before. When it is working, it works real well. But after the concentration wears off I am useless and start getting a "coming down" feeling. I get a minor headache and it feels like I get a fever and other flu symptoms. If I take an extra dose of adderall a few hours later then the concentration lasts longer and delays the "Coming down" sensation. Any advice on meds?

Romance: Is there anyone with an excellent marriage involving AD/HD? If so, how did it get so good and with what strategies? I am reading a book entitled "ADD and Romance". Its more or less painting a pretty grim picture and I'm not sure I want to get married anymore for fear of making her life hell. Also the other things that have been posted on here about marriage have only been adding to the disheartening realization.

Thats it for now... I'll remember the other questions I wanted to ask when I try to start working again.

[QUOTE=Coldsun]

Thats it for now... I'll remember the other questions I wanted to ask when I try to start working again.

[/QUOTE]

Meds I know nothing about marriage I know that one lol. I have been married since I was 20 years old the first few years of marriage for us were hell funny. That's supposed to be the best the first years. I am the same person now that I was then I just learned to deal with things that upset me better since having to help my kids. In 2003 my daughter wa dx with adhd and sad by doing all the research to help her I noticed that I have her problems and more since I was about her age however disorders like that were not known back then. I will be going to a Dr tomorrow because things have gotten worse for me. I have always been protective of my kids now I'm really bad to the poit I just don't want other kids around mine for fear that they are going to somehow harm my kids. It's so messed up cause I love for people to be here but now I ask them not to bring their kids here. I have been taking self test on things like ADD/ADHD PTSD Sleep disorders and such acording to the test I have taken seems I have a lot of things going on would explain a lot too lol. I'm hope that the Dr will be able to help me without meds like my kids. Not like I would remember to take them anyhow. I forget things I did after a few mins now lol. The one day I was cooking dinner mac and cheese to go with the rest of the food I made I went to the living room for I don't know and forgot I was even cooking when I walked to the kitchen to serve dinner I realized the mac and cheese was buring I freaked out so bad I thought I was going to just breakdown. Anyways I hope I made sense cause I lost my thoughts. Maria

I can't give much advice on meds... I started on Ritalin (10 mg 3 times a day) and it worked well. I switched to slow release just to try it. It didn't work so I switched back and have been on that for about 10 years now.

As for marriage. I've been married for over 20 years, and we're very happy. We've always been happy, but it was more of a struggle in the early years. I wan't diagnosed with ADD for the first 10 years, so that was harder than afterwards. Initially, we both assumed that we would split responsibilities down the middle, negotiating over who did what according to what we liked. Big mistake!

What really works for us is to split things according to our strengths, and whenever things get too hectic, to outsource. Let me try to explain.

Terrible things happen when I try to do things I "should" be able to do but can't. Not only do I screw them up, but I get angry, frustrated, etc. For example, I don't pay the bills. My wife does this, but she was overwhelmed by that and all the other things she was doing (laundry, cooking, taking care of the kids, etc.) so I took over. Well, when we got our phone cut off and the creditors kept calling, she decided that the stress of paying the bills herself would be less than waiting to see what would be cut off next!

She was running the house because we had bought a "fixer upper" and when I wasn't at work, I was fixing the house. Well, maybe that's an optimistic term for it... I was trying to fix the house. I hate building stuff. Therefore, I would become distracted and it got very expensive. The way it usually worked is that I would do something the first time, screw it up, try it again and then finally call a professional. My wife, on the other hand, would often fix things around the house when I was away (I travelled on business quite often.)

I began to ask her for help fixing things, and I began to help more around the house. I found a lot of comfort in routine household chores since I could do them exactly the same way each time and it became (still does) like meditation for me.

What finally worked for us is when we decided that we should stop trying to separate the responsibilites along traditional lines. Not that it was easy, but...

My wife now has a toolbox. She got a new drill for Christmas because she asked for one. I got a new Dutch Oven. She does the repairs around the house, I do the cooking. She pays the bills, I take care of the romance (surprise dates, interesting gifts, etc.)

We each play to our strengths. My wife is not impulsive, she is very organized and handles all paperwork. It's been getting to be too much so now we have an anncountant to help her.

I don't fill out any forms (can't do it!), but I keep the house straightened and do the cooking. Though I can keep the house very neat, I don't clean as well as she'd like (I don't mind some dust bunnies as long at they are lined up!) so we now have a cleaning lady who comes in, but only once every couple of weeks.

I help my wife figure out how best to help our daughter with school and with life in general (because she also has ADHD) but I don't have the patience to actually sit and work with her so my wife does that. Before exams though, we hire a tutor to help my daughter because in the past, it has stressed us out too much.

I know this sounds like running a business, but to be honest, many of the problems in a marriage stem from what is perceived as an unequal (and thus unfair) contribution by the partners. Once we divided things up according to our strengths (and we both learned what my strengths and weaknesses were by learning more about ADD) we were more happy, relaxed and had enough energy left over at the end of the day to get to know and enjoy each other.

My wife enjoys the sense of humor and adventure I bring to her life. Once we figured out how to make sure that things that needed to get done would get done (bills paid, garbage taken out semi-regularly, etc.) then she can put up with surprises. She even enjoys them, and admits that if left up to her, our life would be pretty boring.

She does get frustrated with me on occasion, and she'll be the first to know if I missed one of my pills, but she also thrives on my creativity, impulsiveness and sense of humor. On the other hand, I've told her to drive carefully, because if she was in a car accident, the kids and I would just sit on the couch watching TV until they cut off our electricity.

I think the biggest mistake you could make (and one we made initially) is trying to make a marriage fit some mold of what you think it's supposed to be. Open the lines of communication and decide what works for you and then build your marriage around that.

There's a reason opposites attract! You and your spouse probably have strengths that compliment each other, and there will be gaps, things that neither of you can do. Each of you take on the things you can do well, and fill in the gaps with "systems." If neither of you can stand washing dishes, get a dishwasher.

I know money can be a problem, but if you make a committment to staying married, you'll decide together that you should invest in a dishwasher, cleaning service, tutor, etc. rather than let the frustration and anger destroy your marriage. I would have to say that's been the real secret. We decided before we got married that divorce was not a solution. We would do anything we had to do to solve our problems instead of "opting out."

Way back when I was proposing to Linda, I expressed doubts that I would be good for her or would be able to give her the life she deserved. She told me something you might want to consider. She said that as long as I was honest about who I was, then whether she chose to marry me or not was up to her. I had no right to preempt her decision by deciding I wasn't good enough for her. If you've told your partner you have ADD and together you've explored what it means, and she still wants to marry you, thank your lucky stars and marry the woman!

I have the feeling I've been rambling, and I don't know if I've given you the "secret" you asked for... this is just a bit of our experience.

I hope it helps.

Just previewed the post... maybe I should publish it as a book! Sorry.

Thanks for the replies. They made me feel better about the issue. My girlfriend is really hinting at engagement and we have talked about it before. I think she is an angel and would love to marry her but I want to make sure that it is right.

3 days after our first date, I found out I had ADHD. I told her up front because I rather let her know and not feel commited to me if she was scared of it. I figured she was going to run like the wind, I was wrong. After 1 date, she was nothing but sweet, sincere and genuinely supportive. Thats is when I knew I had something special.

After reading about how ADD has messed up so many marriages (I'm not saying that thats true with every marriage) and non-add partner's lives unintentionally, I didn't want to ruin hers. I just needed to hear that there is success out there. I know that a forum like this is here for people to seek help and answers so naturally most the initial topics aren't the most uplifting. I guess I needed to hear some positive things about that issue. Thanks.

Hi Coldspun, I have adhd, and have for many years. I have been with my husband for over 10 years, and we have been married for over 6. Things for us are not always a walk in the park, but they are not terrible either.

There are times when my husband gets frustrated with me because of my little quirks like not listening to him, or avoiding the housework because the clutter just overwhelms me and I choose to procrastinate doing it, or my forgetfulness, etc...but the fact of the matter is, he married me because he loves me, and True Love is unconditional.

We went through so many ups and downs before we were married, and have had many friends and family members comment that we have endured more than most married couples would ever experience in a lifetime of marriage, but we pulled through all the hard times that were thrown at us, from unfaithfulness to drug addiction and so forth.

Noone said Marriage is easy, and even for people who do not have adhd, it is no walk in the park. There are no perfect strategies..and no instruction manuals. You just have to figure out what works for you, and work it... You learn to do like WhiteKnite said, and figure out your weaknesses and strengths, and find ways to bridge the gaps.

For me, I have had to learn to deal with and handle a lot of my quirks on my own, since my husband is away for 2 weeks at a time at work, and is home for one week. Sometimes his being home throws my normal routine into a tailspin, because I tend to get very set in my ways, but we do what we can to work through it. A lot of times, because there is extra commotion and clutter and errand running when my husband is home, I tend to slip somewhat backwards and procrastinate a lot of things I should be doing. I know this aggravates my husband to no end, but he just tries to politely point out what it is I am doing that is upsetting him, and I do my best to try and fix it. and my husband is always willing to step up and fill in wherever he can, from washing dishes, cooking, laundry or cleaning. If I am becoming too overwhelmed and am starting to shut down emotionally, he steps in and takes over where he can... its just a constant learning process...

N E ways, hang in there. It sounds like you have a wonderful girlfriend and if she trully loves you, she will learn to understand and even help you overcome your downfalls with adhd.

Amy

Dont have any medication advice for you, because I have just been diagnosed and havent started meds yet, just therapy.

But, I did want to let you know that I have an good marriage. Dont let the ADHD and Romance book discourage you too much. I did read that book, and while it does contain some valuable information to consider, it really seems to focus on absolute worst case scenarios, none of which you may encounter.

Our biggest hurdles have been communication, division of household duties and understanding each other's strengths and weaknesses.

In terms of communication, learning to communicate well does take time. Our problem was not understanding clearly the point the other person made. My husband (non-add) will make a 3 word statement and expect that I'll infer great amounts of info from it (ie "it sure rained a lot recently" really means that it rained a lot, the grass grew, therefore he is going to have to spend 3 hours mowing the lawn this afternoon and I'll need to be in charge of the kids). He now knows he needs to spell everything out clearly to me. I know that when I communicate, I tend to leave out or mask facts with lots of emotional speak, so I need to try to be concise and clear. So, something to think about is how well you communicate your ideas, thoughts and feeling with each other.

Division of household duties really falls into the category of making clear what you expect/want from the relationship in terms of the practical details. If you have kids, will one person stay home or will you use daycare, who will be in charge of home cleanup, who will pay bills, etc. Understanding what each other's areas of strength are is very helpful. You may have to try things and find out what works. For example, I tried to be in charge of finances, but it was a disaster (I was always hundreds of $ off when I tried to balance the account) so he does that now. I do the cooking since he cant get much farther than frozen burritos. You may also have to let go of any gender role expectations you may have.

As for understanding each other's strengths and weaknesses, that just takes time, and also the recognition that many of these things are never going to change. My husband is never going to be a social butterfly no matter how many interesting people we meet. I am never going to be able to go clothes shopping by myself and am always going to need a buddy to help me out.

Good luck- marriage has been a wonderful experience for me.