Why do WE have to change? HELP PLEASE! | ADHD Information
Hi Casey,I think that many of us has that same question-- Why do we
have to change-- at the back of our minds. It does seems so
unfair that our way of doing things is not acceptable in many
places. Because of this, I personally feel embarassed with
myself very often. If I remember right, I read that the tendency
to appologize is common among people with ADD (From
Hollowel and Ratey's book "Drivent ot Distraction).
I am still hopeful that through advocacy, alternative ways of
acting and being would be accommodated--for example, in
schools. Unfortunately, for many of us, so many negative
experiences have resulted in high levels of frustartion and
shame. And, for now, there are many things we cannot yet
change. That is something very difficult to take sitting down.
Since I've started therapy to deal with my ADD, I've been aware
of some strategies to get around feeling frustrated. Hard as it
is, I try to not have expectations of other people, and society. I
try to remember this everyday but...
Thankfully, I think there are professions and work situations that
are better suited for the way we do things. I hope to end up in
one.
Warm regards,
F.M.
p.s. I hope I have been respectful of your concerns and if you
feel I don't really "get it," please tell me.
Frances Marie38066.7375462963Hi there,
I am new to this message board...Actually I am pretty new to the whole subject. I was diagnosed about a year ago with ADHD. !!!SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!!
I went to see a psychologist after having two months of trembling at night trying to get to sleep and having panic attacks every morning before work. I couldn't believe it when he asked me if I was ADHD. I said, NO! That's a kid thing....I had no clue!
He referred me to a psychiatrist who then diagnosed me.
Since then, I have been reading every book and website gathering information on the subject. (I'm an information pack-rat). The way I figure it is, Information is Power.
After realizing that there was a reason WHY I am the way I am, my whole life made sense. It was the most enlightening feeling. I didn't feel lost and misunderstood anymore. Well, that didn't last long. Then the anger set in. At all the people who misjudged me, didn't give me a chance, criticized me for things all my life. I think that's where I'm still at.
I take my Adderral off & on. I don't know why I don't take it everyday...I guess then, I'm admitting to myself and everyone else that there is a problem with me. And I don't think of it that way!
Most of the information I have gathered & read is describing the steps I need to take to change. I know that my ADHD causes me problems (totally unorganized, messy house, can't find anything, I'm late for everything, bad relationships, bad communication skills, whatever).
THE BIG QUESTION:
But I don't understand why WE/I (ADHDers) have to change. Who says that how we think is wrong & everyone else is right? I was brought up to accept people for who they are--and I do!
My boyfriend has been pretty supportive through this, but when he tries to help me clean for example, he'll make a point of reminding me that I'm getting off track...I'm add'ing again....etc. So what! I'm 36 years old and I can't even fathom trying to change how I think--trying to not let my mind wander, ALWAYS multi-tasking.
THE BIG QUESTION AGAIN:
Why are WE supposed to accept other people for who they are--everyone has quarks/"flaws", no one's perfect--but we can't be accepted for who we are??
I'm sorry for such a long winded message, but this is a MAJOR road block for me. I am just not moving forward with treatment, etc. because I can't sseem to get passed this.
Now, I'm sure my 7 yr. old son is also ADHD. I am a single mom of 2 (7yr old son, 5 yr old daughter) and we are struggling. He won't do his homework, either he loses it or I lose it, he won't listen to me, he gets easily frustrated and then I get easily frustrated and then neither one of us does anything.
Can anyone explain this to me?? Please!
I don't know what the right thing is to do and I am confused and frustrated from thinking about it so much! And now, it's not just affecting me...I don't want my son (or daughter) to go through what I went through for 36 years.
Help!
Hi Casey,
I am new to this message board too, and reading your email I feel that I could have written it myself. I too was diagnosed with ADHD about 3 years ago.I always new that there was something different about me. I too was suffering from panic attacks, sleep problems, trembling and uncontrolled crying. I went to see a psychologist who said I was suffering from post traumatic stress and ADHD. He told me I should be taking medication and perscribed something, I forget what it was, but I felt like I was off my head. I went back to him and told him I felt I didn't need to take it and he said that I needed to take it and that he would perscribe Valium to calm me down first. I didn't go back to him again and even my GP who referred me agreed. I don't really believe in medication. Whether I don't really need it or don't won't to believe that I need it. I'm like you and think that people should accept me for who I am and why should I conform. But I must admit I do feel insecure at times and wish that I could fit in better with my work collegues and friends.
Like you, I have children, I believe all have different forms of ADHD/ADD I haven't had them tested because I am concerned as to what they will understand about it and I don't really want to label them. I don't want them to suffer as I did and feel they are different. My two youngest are struggling but with my eldest son as he is highly academic and he actually tutors my younger son when he is having trouble. Your concern about your son's homework may be the same as mine, in that he is having problems understanding, and you too are unable to understand, and you feel like me, inadequate as a parent. Because how do you really explain to your children that you have a learning disability? To make things worse for me, I actually work in a library, can you believe it? and I have been there for over 15 years. So for me to go to my childrens teachers and ask for help, and to have to tell them that I carn't give it to my children because I have a learning disability is just a bit too much for me to handle. But I think I'm going to have to for the sake of my children. And you too I think will have to ask for help and don't worry what teachers will think.
Casey try not to be disheartened because you sound like a very caring and genuine person, you and your family will get through this. I truly believe having high academic results at school is not the only thing that will get you through in life.
I am sorry if I haven't given you any real answers, or made any sense. Maybe you and your children don't have learning difficulties, but if I can help in any way please feel free to send me a private email.
P.S If you have any tips you could give me it would be much appreciated.
Good Luck
Joanne
As far as changing goes: Are we really changing?
I know that when I don't take my Concerta that I seem to start everything at once. When I do, I start the next thing after I finish the first.
I think about the last 24 years and I see this life that never was... good enough for me. I can think about high school and how that seemed to be one constant frustration.
Back in high school I honestly seemed to put more effort into not being in school, than would been needed to do extremely well in school. I know that in my case I did have a younger brother that has autistic and ADHD. On top of that he had multiple medical problems that required a lot of attention from my parents. So I was pretty much on my own, I simply did not ask for help, and no one was able to be around me enough to see that I could use help.
I seemed to be able to get by on my own from simply avoiding problems. Hence, avoiding school. I remember the feeling of having a stack of books full of stuff that I just could not think about long enough to get last page 2.
It wasn't until I was 24 and in my firslt long relation ship (more than 3 months) with my fiance (now wife since oct/19/04) that I realized that I was falling apart in my adult years. And it bore a scary similarity to my high school practices of avoiding problems. Not cashing my pay check, paying bills late, forgetting appointments, always late, and always still day dreaming...
I don't know why I day dream for hours, I honestly wish I could just STOP! I swear to God: I am not lazy! I want to be able to keep my apparment clean! I want to be able to remember to put in my contacts in the morning before I leave my apartment, so I don't have to go back inside, as I'm leaving for work! Why can't I think about that while I'm taking a shower, instead of dreaming about ... I don't know what I'm dreaming about ...
Honestly I'm scared that my behavior will sabotage my marriage. I know that medication is a personal decision, and I know that I want help. When some one is born with one leg, we dont say that person should have to "hop" where ever they go. We help them. We give them a prosthetic. If some one has seizures we don't say that they should deal with it. We help them. We give them medication. I know that these are not the same problems as ADD, but it is the same argument. To rule out help because thats the way God made you is limiting. I know that if there is any purpose to being here, then it's to grow and develop. Help is not stopping that purpose, or cheating. It's over coming obsticles.
I know that I did not start out writing this with the intention of advocating taking medication. Honestly I don't like the thought of being dependant on anything. However I do want to be able to... live my life, and not go home 3 times during the day because I did not remember to grab the movie rental (thats 4 days late), then my wallet, then my contacts, then my belt, then my (this could go on for a while)
I guess after 24 years of frustration, I asking for help.....
I like the question. I am also ADHD and have at least one child about who, his developmental pediatrician commented, "He's off the charts!"
Our family both embraces our hyperactivity while understanding that there are issues (as with any family or individual) where we must correct, manage, or control. For instance, if I do not work strictly off a list, I get dramatically off course and do not complete my necessary tasks. Like posting on this board instead of finishing a writing project .
Last year I wrote an article that was circulated by some psychologists (our school psychologist said it should be published by CHADD or Psychology Today). This is a parody but as with most parodies, there are elements of truth!!
Let me know what you think. It is titled, "Boring and Mundane Disorder - BAMD"
http://www.laughterandtears.com/Default.asp?c=articles&i =BAMD
This post is slightly opinionated... just so you know.
You shouldn't take medication if you don't want to. I have Asperger's Syndrome and every symptom of classic ADD (but have not been diagnosed) and I would NEVER take drugs to change myself to please everybody else. There are many things about society that I would like to change, and does society listen? No. So if they tell me to change, I will not.
The way you think, the way your brain is wired is not wrong. It's different, and it has its strengths as well as its weaknesses. Your strengths and weaknesses differ from that of a "normal" person's, and that's a good thing. So your ADHD might make you a messy person, but it may also make you creative, sensitive and a very loving person, and those qualities greatly outshine the small problem of not keeping your things tidy, or not being able to concentrate on work.
That's just my point of view anyway. If you fear for your sons having the disorder and not wanting to label them, you should consult a psychiatrist and maybe get them diagnosed, but without the "OMG YOU HAVE ADD YOU MUST TAKE THIS" attitude that many parents may have. There are other ways to cope with ADD that don't involve medicine. It might involve working a lil harder, but at least they will not be changing themselves in an unnatural way to please the majority.laughter and tear, I love you.
IMO the people that need to take meds are the people that are unhappy with who they are because of their syndrome, whether it be ADD/ADHD or other. If you're happy with yourself, why change?
In my own experience, I like who I am... I don't like the fact that I have always struggled to pay attention with school work and that I often get fidgety if I have to sit in one place for too long, but from what I see of these meds, they completely change me as a person. I don't even know if when I was younger ritalin even helped me, and I don't know if now Strattera will either, but from what I remember and what I see now, on the medication I am not myself at all. To me, the sacrafice of my personality and who I am is not worth any up sides these medications may have. Maybe there's a med out there that wouldn't change who I am and would benefit me as well, but I'm not so eager to spend the next year or two of my life testing a bunch of things out.
However, for some people... these meds have changed their life completely for the better, and they are happier with themselves, and this makes it worth it.
It's all up to you, just because some doctor tells you you need to take some pill doesn't mean it'll be good for you.
By the way, I love day dreaming haha... I probably spend at least 50-60% of my waking day doing so...
Just my 2 cents, hope it helped somewhat
Casey,
I've noticed through my long life (57) that your question is the exact one that I have contemplated many times. I don't have ADD or ADHD. It just seems that folks can be ignorant and ego-centric (self centered) and not very understanding when it comes to others. I have wasted many of my best years trying to please others. Now I sort through these kinds of people and discard them and stick with those that don't find it necessary to be critical and think that they are always right. I've also noticed that they are like this with others and go through a lot of friends. Believe me, there are a lot of people like this. It is their problem, not yours. So, don't beat yourself up. It sounds like you are a very caring and sensitive person--something that is not appreciated in our culture, anymore.
that was a good piece of written work laughterandtear. I liked that!!!Thanks for the advice. I don't really remember anything during childhood that might have signaled that I had ADD. But I know that since college the confusion, the frustration, the busy bee mind has progressed. I do know that sometimes my anxiety level goes up when I have to be in a meeting or have to pay close attention to something detailed. I am going to go to see a doctor soon. I have a list of names and will be making calls. OH! I remember another question. Does insurance usually help pay for things like this? (doctor visits, meds, etc.)
Thanks!
HI, I am VERY new and think that I may have ADD. What is so ironic is that I am a 6th grade teacher and work with kids with ADD/ADHD/ED. It is crazy! I have been have a real problem with trying to cope with something I have NO control over. I can't stop the channels in my head from flipping. I can't keep things organized, can't keep a good schedule, always running late, can't get my papers graded, and forgetting EVERYTHING! And I used to not be like this. I know that it started in my last years of college. I just never knew what it was. I thought I was bored or just didn't like the classes. Well, after taking those ADD tests online I think that this may be my problem. For me this has been such a private and personal issue that even my parents don't know about. I have only talked with my fiance about it. He has been helping me research meds and doctors. He has been wonderful. My parents would say that I am one of those hypercondriac (sp?) people who think that they are ALWAYS sick. I know that this is real because I am really feeling it. Does that make sense? I used to judge my kids about their hyperactivity, but now I can really empathize with them. I know what they feel. I know their frustration. While some are worse than others, I can see my reflection in them. I am so thankful that there is something we can do. Whether it's meds or counseling. I work out some of my frustration in the gym and that helps for about a day, but then I whirl back into my busy bee mode where I can't complete my own laundry! I am so glad to know that I am not alone. But I need to do my research. I have so many questions...
1. What meds are out there to treat this?
2. If untreated, what could possibly happen?
3. Is ADD linked to any other mental problems? (depression, bipolar, etc.)
4. How come I never felt like this when I was younger?
Thanks so much guys!
Um... In all the reading that I have done, it's all been consistent in saying that AD(H)D is present from childhood. I remember talking to my doctor about this and he mentioned that ADD symptoms may show up later in life but they are usually due to depression, head trauma, or even meningitis. You really should contact a doctor (probably a psychiatrist) for a diagnosis. Is can be tricky to determine what causes symptoms, and similar symptoms can be caused by different problems. Anxiety attacks also have very similar sympotms as AD(H)D, so you may want to look in to that too. I know that my doctor had me take several tests to make sure that I was not having anxiety attacks, and did have ADD.
Hope this helps. (please for give my grammer. I never paid attention in english class...)
Hiya…I understand where you are coming from. Believe me I do. The reason why we have to attempt to change is that we live in society that is unfortunately very complex and where in general the cost of living is relatively high and to have any quality of life you need to use your brain to perform some kind of service to get paid.
People with very ordered, well structured brains have a natural advantage in many of these areas. People with ADD have advantages in other areas and especially it seems in creative type fields. BUT the even if you are super creative, unless you can then just delegate the idea to other s you still have to put the idea into practice. So I think we owe it to ourselves to keep trying different techniques..
The problem with ADD is that it pervades each area of our lives and depending on how badly you are afflicted, the quality of your life will be determined by coping mechanisms and structures you put in place, and how well you respond to medication. (If you go down this route)
There are a lot of things I hate about ADD. And I refuse to give up trying to cope and adapt to this world I live in. Already I have found very small coping mechanisms that have really helped and continue to search for more. My life seems to be three steps forward and two back – but I am very slowly making progress. The reality is – What is my alternative?
Drugs have been a very small help. And now I’m working on my diet and regular exercise …I want to see where this takes me, I want to do everything in my power to try my best.
But here is what I believe to be the greatest news.
Look how many people have ADD! The more people that have it the more lucrative it is for the drug industry and the more cash they’ll put into R&D. I have no doubt that within a decade there will very specific targeted drugs that with stimulate the front lobes of the brain and get us all working normally. At the moment we’re like an athlete dragging a tyre after them…but in a few years drugs/other therapies will cut that tyre free and we’ll all excel because things will be relatively easy after what we’ve been through.
So my advice is this. Hang in there…do the best you can until help arrives!!!
There are two books I highly recommend.
Judith Kolbergs - ADD ways to organise your life Neil Fiores – The now habit
The reason I recommend both of those is that they contain simple structures to help become more organised. I only took a couple of things out of each of those books (as I have realised the more complex the tool, the less chance it will have of success) but each of those has had a measure of success.
Best of luck.
Imodan.