Spouse is an ADD Nonbeliever | ADHD Information

I can't offer any suggestions I'm afraid, only a bit of sympathy (which probably doesn't help much).

I had many problems with my first wife, many years ago.  She was a sweet girl, pretty too.  There was no knowledge of this condition back then, and she came to see me as a loser - lazy, useless with money, couldn't keep a job - and about as romantic as a Cod fillet.  With hindsight, I don't blame her for running out.

My present wife never ceases to amaze me with her tolerance and understanding (though it gets to her sometimes and she yells at me  - but I would be lost without her).

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here, other than I know how difficult it can be to live with someone who doesn't understand.

Mark -

you could try what i did with my dad leave leflets around your with info about ADD and what happen's to the people that have it and try and get him to see your doctor when you go down there and ask your doctor to explain some stuff him, i had to try and get my dad to bleave i have ADD and i still have toHey people! This is my first post and I'm excited to have support. I have been with the same man for 11 years, but we've only been married about 1 and a half years. I'm 31 and he's 34. We have two daughters. He always tells me I use my disorder as an excuse for everything. It's like I'm discriminated against by my own husband. He is not sensitive at all and refuses to educate himself on ADD. I was re-diagnosed last year and just started medicine for the first time in my life. Any suggestions? Jackson38393.8691087963

Hey Jackson,

If I'm to assume you're examining strategic solutions along with taking your medication in dealing with your symptoms, one suggestion would be to outline the conditions or situations that are difficult for you to stay on task or instigate the problems you're having.  Try to engage your partner without making your ADHD symptoms his problem by being solution oriented.  If you haven't already, try getting some personal/career coaching and share some of the strategies with him so he can see what you're dealing with and what you need.  I'm very fortunate to be involved with a wonderful woman who is curious and very understanding of the frustration I've been through.  Best of luck!

The term for people like that   "willed ignorance"

 

My ex  didnt believe in depression,ADHD or meds for  mental illness....it was just  a persons attitude. 10000  scientific studies wouldn't of changed her mind.  She had reached a conclusion discconeected from fact  and was closed to any information  that might shake her belief.  I didnt bother to debate her on stuff like that or politics.  Her beliefs  werent rooted  in reality or fact. 

Sorry to hear things arent going so well for you in that department. I think what you said earlier is a good point- if you are able to make very obvious strides on medication, then perhaps it wouldnt be as easy for him to deny its existence.

Also, I know some people arent willing to admit that there are things going on inside of us that are entirely out of our control, because they fear these things inside themselves. Pointing the finger at someone else points it away from themselves. I dont mean that he has add, but perhaps admitting that it is real might mean admitting to himself that he has weaknesses he cant control- that is a very hard barrier for some people to cross. Know what I mean?

Good luck!

Is there any time he's supportive of you in this ordeal? Are you doing everything you can to compensate and you're still screwing up?

Ask yourself these two questions. If your husband is not supportive of you, you're headed for heartache and headache down the road. That's not fair to you or your two girls. He needs to understand what you're going through and help in whatever way he can. If he's not willing to do that, all I can say is that he's not being a good husband.

Cheekydeeky

Thanks for the input. I appreciate it. I also have bipolar 2, and have been taking Depakote for about 3 years. I tried Strattera and it was not effective. I took a free sample for 30 days of Concerta and was on the road to getting better until my medicaid was cut. I'm currently now taking a free 30 sample of Metadate and I can't tell if it's working or not. I can't afford to go back to the doctor to get the right dose of Concerta yet. I need it so bad and it's unfair that I can't get it.  I have left all kinds of educational material for him around the house, including highlighting books, website printouts, and pamplets. He has gone with me to therapy a few times but is too closed-minded to let her help. It's so frustrating! 

Yup my hubby calls me a twit and drongo a lot - just last night I had had enough.

I said to him I dont appreciate being called names and wont accept it anymore.  I know I frustrate him, but I am not stupid at all and do not appreciate the inferences.

Yes when I cook - I screw it up.

And other mistakes happen a lot.

But I am so much smarter than he is in other areas, and I pointed that out to him last night.

I am the one that Understands the kids, I am the one that Understands reasons behind emotions, I am the one that finds the answers to situations that seem hopeless, and I am the one that can persist with support and loyality in many situations, that seem hopeless.

I have much to offer also, - So I would find what you are good at - and remind him of these things, as I have done.

I explained to my husband that it is not a competition between us, we are a partnership and rather than ridicule each others failures, lets combine our talents.

And I got an apology - WOW.

Hang in there - perservere and communicate exactly what you are feeling.

I know it can be very frustrating when a loved one doesn't understand what you are going through. My father used to tell my clinically depressed mother to simply "snap out of it". Needless to say, today they are divorced.

My own best friend does not believe I have ADHD. She does not comprehend how one can simply space out of a conversation and not remember what was said later. She "doesn't see that" with me. However, she has always been the type of person who bumbles thtough life with blinders on, so I don't take too much heed in her words.  Her poor husband is a un-diagnosed dyslexic and his "inabilities" have been the focus of many of their arguments.

Goalkeeper had a good idea. Stop relying n your husband to be a support system, and look for encouragement elsewhere - from yourself, from a close friend or other relative, from a support group, or us folks right here on this forum.

I know it hurts sometimes, but some people just don't understand that not everyone's brain works the same way. In my opinion, these narrow-minded people should be pitied, rather than allowed to be a source of anger or resentment.

Jackson,

My advise is to not to work too hard trying to convince him or educate him.  Your focus should be more on how to deal with your ADHD and find ways that will improve your life.  Focus on that. Because really that is your battle and ADHD is the problem.  Not your husband.  He married you and had two beautiful girls before you where diagnosed.  So he does love you.  Perhaps someday he will come around and then maybe not.  It's not worth creating havoc in your family life.  Find other people that will support you such as forums like this or support groups.  Don't bring it up that it's your ADHD when you forget things or can't focus to your husband.  Keep your marriage and your husband. 

Think of some of the things that you husband likes.  What hobbies does he enjoy.  Does he like fixing cars, remodeling, wood craft, running, paly softball, a member of the NRA, hunting, etc...  Most wives are not interested in these things and really don't want to talk about it when they are with their husbands or even participate.  But they don't think about divorce or how it is ruining their lives because their husbands want them to be more supportive.  So think of it that way.  You love him and he loves you.  Focus on getting better.

I have been diagnosed with ADHD and I haven't told anyone in my family or co-workers.  I want to see if they will notice any differences.  I have noticed a lot of differences in their comments and their confidence in me.  Of course I slip every now and then but I am improving everyday.  Use your husband as a gauge of success.  Just my opinions and I hope it helps.

 

I don't know what to say,
Other than you have to be the bigger and stronger person in all this.

He may be choosing to stay in the dark, or he may simply be someone who doesn't believe ADD/ADHD exists.  There are those like that who will just scoff it off.

Focus on making your world better and let hubby see what you are really made of.

Once again thanks for the advice and opinions. I especially appreciate goalkeeper's advice because I have been putting so much effort and energy into making him understand that I could have been focusing on helping myself. I love my husband to pieces and know he loves me. We don't see divorce in our future at all and we know we are blessed to have our precious girls. Hopefully when I get on the right medicine regimen and start showing improvements he will become more open to the idea that something is actually going on outside of my control. He does need help too dealing with how ADD effects him. Jackson38393.8694675926

chocoholic,

you are so right! thanks.I ahve to learn that his behavior is not my fault and not to take responsibility for it.

Here's something to think about.  I once dated a girl that was very outgoing and fun to be around. She was a real social light.  She liked going on vacations and hanging out with friends at clubs and restaurants.  She would even organized these outings.  One day her parents told her that she was too shallow and that she needed to grow up and stop partying.  She told this to me and said that she was going to turn a new leaf.  That spending money on vacations, buying clothes, restaurants and hanging out with friends was going to stop and that she was going to save her money for better things. 

I gave her such a hard time for the next several weeks.  I was so negative and said her parents didn't know what they where talking about. She finally pulled me aside and asked why I was acting so dumb?  I finally told her that the girl she wants to be is not the girl I fell in love with.  Even though I know that saving her money instead of spending it on the weekend excursion to KC (three hours away) would save her money, eating home cooked meals instead of restaurants, and cutting down visitng the bars would benefit her.  I wanted the girl that did all that.  She rolled her eyes and asked why I gave her so much crap in the past about spending the money. 

I had no answer.  I was just scared I would end up with a different person and lose the person I fell in love with.  I'm not saying that your husband feels the same way about you becoming more focused and seemingly smarter.  But, it is a thought.  And I hope it makes you realize that there are a million reasons why he might be throwing up a brick wall.  I'm glad you found my first posting helpful. 

I just think that if you focus on your ADHD first things will seem to be clearer.  Most ADHD sufferers tend to open their mouths and the wrong words flow out or it comes out wrong.  But if you get a handle on your ADHD and that you are secure with it then and only then can you address your ADHD to your husband. 

Great point goalkeeper8. 

My husband is another non-believer.  He doesn't believe in ADD, doesn't believe womens hormones can alter their mood, doesn't believe in depression, sees no value in psycologists, psychiatrists or therapy of any kind.  He also firmly maintains the belief that you can catch a cold by going out without a hat on, despite years of my feeding him information on viruses (I'm a biologist). 

I mean really, what can you do with that?  Throw your hands up and laugh.  However he is a good man, a wonderful father, and absolutely fabulous support (like driving an hour to deliver my keys to me when I forget them and other things like this).  We have been married 21 years, and I have learned to respect his beliefs as ridiculous as I find them (I strongly support others rights to be so dumb).  I obviously can't change them. 

Many people have strong beliefs that are not necessarily based on science.   Since you have been with your husband for a while, maybe all the other ways he supports you are enough?  You might need to talk to other people, like those here, for real understanding.