Ask anyone in my hometown about AD/HD, and they will probabliy say "Oh yeah, that's what they call those kids who bounce of the walls, can't sit still, and havn't matured yet." While those types of kids make up the greater part of diagnosed AD/HD cases, they are just that because they attract attention to themselves. The HD kids are impossible to ingore because they can do unexpected things or have to be constantly watched. Since that is the most apparent form of AD/HD, it is the one known by most people. But what about people who describe themsevles as Attention Defecit?
I turned 18 before I realized I had AD/HD. Everyone who knew me was shocked. What? He was such a good student! He is really smart, and has a calm personality! Well, they wern't the only ones who were shocked. I never considered myself AD/HD for the same reasons that I said most other view AD/HD. I had always done well in school, and been in all the advanced classes. My intelligence was high enough, in fact, to overcome many of the difficulties other AD/HD students have. Unfortunately, I was also intelligent enough to make myself miserable.
After a few "episodes" in my junior year of high school, I sought counseling the beginning of my senior year to treat depression. This started my path to discovering I was AD/HD. After extensive couseling, I largely overcame depression by the end of my senior year. Even though I got over my depression, there was still something...
I said previously that my intelligence made me miserable. Perfection was the name of the game. I had heard of perfectionists (can't stop adjusting, revisiting), but I never thought that I was one. Well, I had been one my whole life. It seemed normal for me to run into a moral question, and end up debating it for hours. This is how I solved my emotional and relationship problems.
My drive for perfection in thought was fueled by my emotions. Specifically fear, a fear of being wrong. In my early childhood, I can remember how much I was afraid of violence and anger. My family was fairly disfuncitonal in that we never shared emotions until they boiled over. Nothing with physical violence, but nonetheless it was traumatic. I banned emotions, specifically anger or any other emotion related to it, from my habits. This was the start of my deliberations and self-control. This, combined with my family's reluctance to show emotion (we acted as a bunch of stoics at home) dramatically effected my outlook on life.
So, what does that have to do with AD/HD? Why is this guy venting about his troubled past? Remember this started with my rant on people not recognizing the AD of the AD/HD. Where was my attention for the great majority of the day? On myself and my thoughts. Yes, I had to pay attention to my surroundings, but the priority was finding out the meaning of life. Literally. I was deathly afraid of missing it, of being ignorant, and of wrongly throwing emotion around like my family had in the past. This deeply-stored impulse fueled huge amounts of anxiety for me. This anxiety developed into a habit. I practiced it daily, and like anything you practice, it becomes natural. You don't even have to think about doing it, it just happens. I took a huge burden on myself to not give up on solving my emotional problems myself, to not be "lazy." After all, there were other people just like me. They must be trying just as hard, but just found out the right answers earliler. This is my AD of the AD/HD.
I have heard from others about similar life stories that led them to AD/HD, and they share similar paths of recovery. A major focus of my current therapy is making myself concious of where my awareness is directed. For example, I have a terrible habit of biting pens, crupling up papers, or scratching itches without knowing it. I loose things often. Some days seem more "real" then others. The memories of my junior and senior years of high school lack the detail and "presence" of times beforehand. Progress continues steadily, and I continue to fight with it.
If you feel you can relate to my story, please share. I like to see that I'm not alone in this fight.
meatball4u38388.7677083333Yes I have ADD