My son is 11 and has been diagnosed since he was 4.  We've been in therapy up until last year.  We seemed to have things under control. 

Lately, my son has become even more selfish and manipulative then usual.  My patience and understanding is gone.  I'm so tired of trying to keep him level.  My other two children are suffering. 

I've had many heart to hearts with my son, and at the time he agrees and says he'll make some changes.  It doesn't happen and then he feels worse about himself.  He's getting meaner.  I don't know what to do.  I don't want to hate my son, I'm just really tired.  Any suggestions would be appreciated.

I am new to this site as well. I have a 12 yr old step son who as really spiralled out of control in the last year. I know how you feel. I hope you have read the postings here. It is comforting to know that you are not alone.

I have had days with my son that I have told him " I love you....I just don't like how you are....acting.....talking.......behaving"

He gets such a hurt look on his face.  But later when everyone has calmed down he will say sorry for what has happened. 

I always make sure that before he goes to bed that I comment on something he's done that I like.  Some evenings it's pretty hard to do....but ?

Perhaps he is in the habit of being mean.  Maybe he doesnt know how to be nice anymore - this does happen.

When he says something wrong, rather than get really mad why not give him alternatives to how he could have handled the situation.

Tell him you understand it is hard to change, but you can help him by suggesting ideas.

I also put things on my toilet door to remind the kids how to be nice and likeable.

like:-

10 Ways To Be A Better Person
Becoming Who You Want To Be

   1.       Exercise patience in everything you do and understand that

              change will take time, devotion, and hard work.

              Accomplishing one simple goal right now will make it easier

               to accomplish larger more difficult ones later on.

   2.       Judging others is easy while judging oneself can be extremely

              difficult.  Look at yourself honestly and ask: What would I

              like to change about myself?  What are my strengths and

              weaknesses? What do I have to give?

   3.       There is no growth in resentment. Emotions are often directly

              related to your perception of the world around you. Viewing

              things in a positive light can make your world into a better

              place, and foster confidence and self-respect.

   4.       As you meet the needs of your body, nourish your soul as

              well. Each of us requires relaxation, love, and acceptance.

              Spend at least five unrushed minutes each day in meditation

               or another relaxing activity.

   5.       Listen to your heart's counsel. The logical, profitable, or

              fastest course may be in opposition with what you truly

              believe would be most rewarding. Following your heart can

              lead to great wisdom.

   6.       Accept that you have no control over the actions of others and

              discover the freedom of forgiveness. Letting go of old

              emotional wounds carries benefits to both body and soul.

   7.       Understand that failure, while painful, can be beneficial. Learn

              from your mistakes. Give the people in your life the chance to

              experience and learn from their own.

   8.       Never stop learning. True wisdom comes from knowledge

              and knowledge will only increase if you keep your mind open

              to new ideas and suggestions.

   9.       That which is in your power to do is also within your power

              not to do.  Self-discipline is the foundation for all virtues.

              Avoiding toxic substances and keeping your body and mind

              healthy will help you break bad habits and adopt positive ones

              in their place.

    10.     The means to growth and change are within you and cannot

               be delegated to another.

              Live your own life as you wish it to be, cultivate self reliance,

take        responsibility, and love yourself.

           1.      

GETTING ALONG

1.   What are the different ways to solve this problem?

2.   Choose a way that seems the best for getting you what you want and not getting you into trouble.

3.   Consider how your chosen course of action will make the other person feel.

I feel for those parents that are going through some tough times with their kids with ADHD.  But sometimes I don't.  Ok I will warn you.  I am about to give some tough love.  I see these types of post where parents have had it!  Trust me I understand.  But here's the kicker.  Do you love the child?  If the answer is no.  There's a problem and you will need to seek professional help.  If the answer is yes.  Then prove it.  75% of the time the parents who have had enough have not done enough.  You don't really think the child is going to some how correct the problem after you speak or yell at him, do you?  No, he has ADHD a disability.  You can yell at a person in wheel chair to start walking but it ain't gonna happen.  Their disabled.  

You need to seek help.   Seek advise from family counslors that understand ADHD.  If you stopped therapy and now things are getting worse go back to therapy.  Now I know money is tight.  But find options keep searching for options.  Read a lot of books.  Keep searching for books.  Don't give up! For the love of the child. 

If my house was on fire and I heard my child yell for my to help, there would be no one on this planet that could stop me from running in to the burning house.  I could not live with myself if they suffered and I stood still.  Your son is in a burning building.  Go rescue him. 

Now because you have posted on this site shows that you do love the child.  Please do me the favor and tell your self that you have had it with his ADHD.  Rather then saying you have had it with your son.  Transfer that anger to the disability. 

Parenthood is so tough.  But you will need to speak to your other two children.  I can't give yo advise as to what to say to them but you need to let them know that their brother has a disability which causes him to act inappropriately.  Let them understand that you still love the child and that as family we will need to help him.  But the two need to know that the battle is also ADHD not their brother.

I am and adult with ADHD.   I did not know much about ADHD except it had something to do with attention deficit.  Thats all I knew I had a problem.  But after reading post and material of what the life is of an ADHD child I have felt some sorrow.  I gave my mom some real grief.  I remember the arguements.  I remember her crying herself to sleep because of the hurtful things I said or did.  I feel sorry for my brothers for how I must have treated them or made them feel.  But that is all behind me.  I love my mother and I love my brothers. 

I remember in high school I was arrested for distrubing the peace at a friends party (I was not the only one arrested).   This was not the first time I was arrested for something stupid mostly getting caught at parties and getting MIP (minor in possesion of alcohol).  But this time I did not want to call my mother in fear of her anger.  I stayed two nights before I broke and called my brother to tell her to come get me.  When she picked me up she cried and said she was worried about me and looked every where.  She told me to never worry about her getting angry but to just to call her.  She told me that she never ever wants me to ever sleep in a place like that again.  I felt loved.   But that was the last time I ever got in trouble with the law. 

I am now 35.  When my mother found out I had ADHD I could not get her to stop calling or talking about what I needed to do.  I think she was happy to know it was not her or her parenting that caused the past turmoil.  She knows everything there is to know about ADHD  and constantly reminds me.  My step father tells me she is always on that damn computer looking stuff up and making phone calls.   I love her.  My mother ran in to the burning house to rescue me.  But this time she didn't burned.

1. Give him time
2. Showing anger sometimes means "I need a hug"
3. Any sign of disaproval can cause him to feel sad, and show as a refusal to follow your orders

I know is hard to understand, it is also hard for us. It is like living in a world ruled by emotions. Often times, I feel as if I am watching myself from a distance. I want to stop, but I can't. I wan't to remember, but I can't. Often times, you don't try to deny what you do. You really cannot remember. He is in for a hard life. Try to be there for him. Most of the time I am happy, but I guess deep inside sometimes I wish I was like everyone else, but I can't. We don't choose to be this way.

To him... 

a touch is a blow, 

a sound is a noise, 

a misfortune is a tragedy, 

a joy is an ecstasy, 

a friend is a lover, 

a lover is a god, 

and failure is death. 

Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create - - - so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating."