worried about future | ADHD Information

I'm new to this forum but so far what I've read seems to hit home. My son is now 17 and I'm really worried about his future. He attends a good public school and he gets help from his teachers (some more then others ) but he is not doing very well. Everyone tells me how he is a sweet and caring person but his grades are awful. He is barely getting by and I fear for his future. We both know he will not be attending any college right after graduation and I dont know of what direction I can guide him to so he will be able to support himself.  When I talk to his counslers at school they said maybe he could go to a trade school but I wonder if they would accect him with a grade point average so low. He is below a 1.0 . I sometimes think the teachers pass him with a D so he may go on to the next class. I have tried EVERTHING.  Grounding him, bribing him,talking to him,counsling,yelling, crying ect.ect.ect. If anyone has tips I'll listen. He is usually of good nature and that is when he takes his medicine ( concerta 54 mil. ) faithfully. I encourage him to take it on his own because he will take it for the rest of his life probably and he needs to learn to be responsible . I do double check to see if he is taking it and so far so good. Besides that when he misses a dose we all can tell. His father has offered him work in his construction company but my son said he does not want to do that work.  He said he would like to teach and I informed him that his grades wont allow him to go on to get his degree. It is a big struggle for me and I dont want to nag,nag, nag him. Also anyone with a child with ADHD knows that nagging just totally turns them down. They argue and argue and just shut you off. It was hard enough when he was younger but much harder now that he's older. I have a daughter in her 3rd year of college with a 3.4 gpa and a 23 year old son who works with his father. Any suggestions ?

I hear you.  I find myself wringing my hands periodically, but I think for some of our kids, we need to look elsewhere than the traditional "go to college" etc.  Let me share two stories:

We met a family through our Special Ed school.  It was two grandparents raising their grandson.  The grandparents were lovely.  The grandfather has his own, very successful business (they own  two homes, luxury cars, have travelled all over the world, etc).  As we have learned the family's story, we were amazed.  This man was totally written off by his family, school and juvenile system of the European country he was born in.  He just could not succeed.  Everyone felt that a life in prison (or worse) was the only future for him.  When he finally reached adult age and was allowed to pursue his own way, he built a very successful business and has had a long and fulfilling marriage.  But when he was a teenager, no one could have predicted such a good future for him because he didn't fit the norm.

Another encouragement is the life of Ansel Adams.  American Masters, on PBS, did a documentary on him and he was a child who never fit into the public classroom.  His father bankrupted himself hiring tutors for his son.  Adams gives a very tender testimony to the love of his father in seeing his need and supplying what he needed. 

Don't buy into the LIE that only college students can be successes.  What does your teen enjoy?  Give him room to develop that interest.  Participate in it with him.  Our poor kids have to endure the "cookie cutter" system of education where "one size fits all" - our pediatrician sometimes tells me, "you just have to get him through school, then he can be an individual." 

Just wanted to encourage you to hope for good.

I did have an afterthought - yelling and grounding should be saved as consequences for specific behaviors (didn't complete a chore, showed disrespect, etc.).  You will never, ever be able to "punish" away his personality or demeanor.  I have to keep reminding myself of this with my son.  We try to "punish" behavior and "affirm" the kid.  Just know he asked if he could get something to eat and I REMEMBERED to thank him for asking first.   Your words can really wound your son, and he probably feels just as bad and shaky as you do.  He needs you to steady him and help him.  SO, get specific about what you want him to do (or stop doing) and give consequences for that, but don't punish him for things he can't help.

I found out that I was graduating high school the day before graduation.  At that point I had no intention of going to college.  My Dad (who dropped out in 9th grade and started his own business) said if I was not in school then I would have to pay rent and work atleast 60 hours a week.  After a few months, I was so fed up and applied to a local college.  My dad's restrictions were immediately dropped. 

Once I started college a strange thing happened, I actually liked school.  The classes were infinately better and the professors actually would ride my tangents unline my high school teachers that would send me to the office.  Funny thing was, the some professors were actually impressed with my tangents.

After a few semesters I decided that I wanted to go to UCONN, a pretty competative school, and since I redemed myself they accepted me!

I am pretty sure your son can do the same thing as long as he has good incentives for the short term.  As long as he graduated high school, a community college should take him in, or at the very least, let him take some classes to get his GPA up.  Colleges will be much more interested in his scores at a community college than his high school.

Meds for ADD/ADHD are supposed to help with focus so a child can pay attention and focus on their schoolwork. Since being on meds, my seventh grade son has brought his grade point average up quite a bit. Maybe Concerta is not the right med for your son? Mine takes 30mg of regular Adderall every school day.

Even with his low grade point average, if your son gets on a different med that will help him focus more on his work, he CAN still be a teacher. Never discourage a dream.