Taking your spouse to therapy w/ you? | ADHD Information

[QUOTE=ChaoticCanadian]

Thank you for pointing that out. I worded that totally the wrong way. I guess I meant to say or was trying to get at is how do you cope (for lack of a better word that has slipped my mind entirely right now LOL) with yourself personally when you are frustrated that your spouse/sig other doesn't seem to understand that you think very differently than they do and that what comes easy for them being non ADHD can be incredibly hard for those of us that do have ADHD?

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I know what you meant, C.C., I was just being my usual flippant self

OK, serious mode now. Things have improved significantly since I was diagnosed last year, and she understands that I have little control over the way I am. Before that things sometimes became a little difficult between us, especially if I'd just been fired again.

Sometimes I think she compensates a little too much, giving me too many opportunities to be really lazy. She also shares my frustration with the British health service and the hoops we are having to jump through trying to get some treatment for ADHD. (The diagnosis was the easy part).

Maybe eke out is what you're looking for?! :) LOL Well, I think in some situations it's a lot easier to do. I think you have a more difficult one is what I'm trying to say. My girlfriend was very open minded and helpful, and like Mark, takes care of my "needs." We've only been together a few years though, so an adjustment was easy. But I think an important factor was that she is studying phsycology and already knew about it. I think the only way you can eke out is if he knows and understands. I know if I didn't have ADHD, I probably wouldn't believe people that say they do because I'm very oh I can't think of the word; it's that I don't always believe things right at first until I learn about them. Maybe a guy thing? I'm sorry he doesn't understand. . . Maybe you could show him this website.

Paul

Blah it's been a crappy week, as much as there are traits I do love about my ADHD, I can tell you there are so many things I HATE about it as well. NO ONE understands me and it is driving me bonkers.

I just need to vent, but before I forget the original reason I am posting, I'm just curious, does anyone here take their spouse/significant other to therapy with them once in a while?

The reason I ask this is because my husband doesn't seem to get that I think differently than him. Today we were talking on the phone ( he is out of town working right now) and anyways, we were talking about my ADHD (because in hindsight before I was diagnosed, my impulsiveness has gotten us into a "little" bit of a financial mess in my constant search of new and exciting things <i.e. high stimulation> which is one of the reasons he is away working and why we are moving back there for good) impulsive decision making, how I get bored really quickly, job changing, not finishing a single thing yadda, yadda, yadda. And he says to me "well, when are you going to get over this ADHD thing?" WHAT? I couldn't believe he asked me that! I've told him this is something I have been suffering with my entire life and it is great to finally know what is wrong with me and what I am working with for the rest of my life - apparently he didn't hear that.

Anyways, "I said, honey this is something I will have for the rest of my life and you need to help me by educating yourself about it, and it will really help too if you come with me when I get into see my specialist after we move back to the city." I also told him there is a chance one if not both of our kids could have ADHD as well since it is genetic and I know my mom had it, my uncle has it, my aunt has it, another uncle has it and I am positive my grandfather had it on my mom's side, I mean huge genes there for ADHD - he was rather silent when he heard that as well. :o(

I truly almost felt for a sec, that he was sorry he married me. Don't get me wrong, he is an incredible person and I love him to death and I know he loves me too, but he comes from a family that doesn't acknowledge any kind of mental illness/disorder etc etc. If I try to talk to my MIL for example about my ADHD she just brushes it off as I need to get a routine and get it together . His family does not talk about anything except for fluffy surface stuff - it is bizarre to me, because my family is totally opposite, we talk about everything. But getting back on track...I know my husband coming with me to the psychiatrist will help me, especially if I know he is hearing stuff/facts etc from a doctor and finally gets to hear about this from someone who specializes in ADHD adults. We are married and we both have to learn how to live with this together. As much as I try to explain to him how my hyperactive mind works, he doesn't get it.

I feel like (with the exception of our kids) I have totally screwed his life up :o( I think I would go nuts if I were married to me too. I think the spontaneous, impulsive, always on the go, happy go lucky 23 year old he fell in love with 6 years ago is overwhelming to him for a lifetime :o/

Anyone else out here with a non ADHD spouse? How do you cope? How do they cope with you?

*sigh*

Thanks for listening and reading this far if you made it LOL :o)

[QUOTE=ChaoticCanadian]

Anyone else out here with a non ADHD spouse? How do you cope?

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How do I cope with my wife? I think the question should be 'How would I cope without her?". I give her my money and she pays the bills, picks up my dirty clothes after I have just dropped them on the floor, makes sure I don't leave the house without anything important... the list goes on.

[QUOTE=ChaoticCanadian]

How do they cope with you?

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That, however, is perhaps the great mystery of my life.

Mark -

Mark re: Coping with the non ADHD spouse. [quote]Anyone else out here with a non ADHD spouse? How do you cope?[/quote]

My husband is my rock too. I love him and he is amazing with his patience and helping me out with just about everything. I'm just frustrated because it seems to me that he isn't even trying to understand. He tries to avoid it and hopes the ADHD will just go away.

I can sympathize with you because my husband is a very logical, step by step, detail oriented kind of person. I of course am the complete opposite. I wonder though if your husband is wanting to know that you want to take responsibility for your actions- that you see how things got out of hand and you are seeking help. I am afraid that it is hard for non ADD people to understand how we can just not do something that is causing us trouble. Has he given you any indication he thinks you are using this as an excuse? I am not implying at all that you are but I am wondering if thats whats behind his frustration.

My husband was real big on trying to teach me time management skills. Well he could talk schedules and time management forever but I still could only get so far in how I manage time because of this being a particular weakness of mine. I made sure he knew I was trying to work on this area. I wanted to take responsibility but the tendency would be for me to slip out of my schedule easily because of the ADD. I let him know I am trying to learn how to cope with this problem area and i think as he sees me trying (not always successfully but trying) that I am put together differently than he is.

I am assuming you aren't on medication yet. I think for many spouses its an eye opener to see how differently people manage on their medication. That alone speaks to how this is a biological, brain chemistry thing- not a character flaw.

I bet that there are some aspects of your ADHD that your husband enjoys about you too. The energetic, care-free 23 yr old is who he fell in love with an married. I think part of the process of dealing with the realization that this 'disorder' doesn't go away is realizing the positive side of it too. I have strengths in areas my husband is very weak in and he appreciates those differences as I am sure your husband does too. My husband does not have a creative bone in his body so he particularly enjoys my creativity because that is something he is just not wired to do but I am. I do that effortlessly while he struggles and comes up nothing.

I hope things go well for you and I think as time goes on your husband will be more receptive. It could be he needs to let it all sink in.

My boyfriend is great. When I started talking to him about thinking I had ADD, I think at first he thought "here she goes again...." See, last year I thought I had thyroid problems... little did I know at the time that many of the cognitive symptoms of thyroid disease are very similar to ADD. LOL. Anyway, in typical ADD fashion, I read up EVERYTHING I could on thyroid disease and I think he got pretty sick of me talking about it. In the end, it turned out my thyroid was perfectly fine.

So when I started in on ADD a few weeks ago, I'm sure he thought he was in for the same ride as the whole thyroid thing. I tried my best not to talk about it too much, and kept it mostly to myself. After I saw my family doctor and she agreed my "symptoms" were consistent with ADD, he started talking about it more. He started to acknowledge it. He even said he would read my copy of "Driven to Distraction" when I was finished with it.

However, he does sort of make me feel bad when I make us 5 minutes late for work every morning (we work at the same place, different departments). He tells me I need to get up earlier. HAH!!! Easier said than done buddy. I know it frustrates him when I ask him to repeat himself twice in a row, but at least he laughs about it.

He is wonderful in that he does the laundry and the dishes, and he knows I eventually will clean the bathroom. He makes sure I don't leave the house without important things "Got your keys? Your lunch? That cheque you were bringing to the bank today?"

LOL. I love him dearly. I do feel horrible that he has to put up with my quirks sometimes, but all in all, I really think he finds much of it endearing.

Well, I think taking him to therapy with you sounds like a good idea. Maybe talking with a professional would give him a little more concrete idea as to the reality of adhd. To be honest with you, before I found out I had it, I thought it was just the result of poor parenting. I had only seen either wild little boys, or my hubby's niece who went from being hyper to a zombie when they started her on drugs. And it might be especially helpful if he came from years and years of 'it doesnt exist and we dont talk about it.' (Kinda makes you wonder what theyre covering up, doesnt it??

)

Another thought- if you gave him a book or something to read, would he read it? Maybe that would open his eyes up a bit.

My non add spouse is also one of those "rocks of logic and organization" that other people have posted about. I think we complement each other perfectly. I hope your husband can recognize the ways that your creativity and spontaneity enhance his life, and that equally there are certain aspects of his personality that enhance yours.

Will taking him limit your responses? Will you hold anything back or not get into certain topics because of his presence? If so, you might want to go alone. If you can be fully honest and open with him present though, I don't see how bringing him along would hurt.

Thanks guys for your response :)

FlyAway, I am on meds now - Dexedrine and he has noticed the difference when I am on and when I am not on them! LOL

He knows I do not use my ADHD as an excuse - that is the one thing I tell him and also show him. I just tell him that I think differently, my mind works a little differently and that things that are seemingly easy to others are not for me - and I think that is the part he doesn't get. I guess because with this "disability", so to speak, it is hidden and you can't see it. I told him that for me, suffering with this my entire life and knowing *something* was wrong, but not being quite sure what it it is, that at least I know now what it is I am dealing with and how to work with it.

I can understand his thinking for the most part, after talking to his mother who is an elementary school teacher and deals with ADHD all the time, she doesn't believe it exists either. She figures the kids with ADHD are just a result of bad parenting with no nutrition and no routine in their lives - which is really sad, but as much as I try to explain it, she doesn't listen either. She also still sees ADHD as the hyperactive 8 year old boy who is bouncing off the walls and disrupting the class, she won't listen to hear that ADHD comes in many different forms. So I imagine growing up with such a narrow minded mentality in his family, my husband is going to take some work educating him about this kind of stuff.

Thanks so much for listening - you have no idea how good it feels to know you guys are out there to bounce this stuff off of and vent to a little (HUGS)