Don't really have any advice, just want you to know you're not alone. Read my post in the Adult coaches forum and you'll see what I mean.
Kathy D.
Sorry to hear about your situation.
Is he taking his meds consistently?
Has he been checked for possible Bi-polar disorder?
:o( That is definetly hard.
I am 30 y/o and my husband probably could have written your post! :o) He gets very frustrated with my ADHD but we are truly working through it together.
However, my medications are working (I'm on Dexedrine) and I also take responsibility and see a therapist once a week who helps me tremendously, he is the best! My husband and I are moving in the next few weeks and I will need to be set up with a new therapist, and my husband has finally agreed to come with me. I asked him to come with me so he could learn about ADHD himself, but also so he could get some support too on how to live with someone that has ADHD.
Is your husband seeing a therapist? Meds help a lot (when they are the right ones), but popping a pill every day isn't the only answer. Therapy for him and yourself on living with ADHD and also to help him develop some cognitive skills to get through every day life is essential.
If he isn't seeking help from a professional who works with Adult ADHD patients he needs to and the best thing you can do to help him is to go along with him sometimes and educate yourself as much as you can - which it seems you are doing just by posting here.
I can tell you though, having ADHD can be insanely difficult and this is why I believe therapy is so vital to living with ADHD, especially newly diagnosed ADHD. No one wants to live this way and think this way.
I've been married 3 1/2 years to a man who has ADHD (inattentive). IHi Tish,
I am the proverbial husband! My wife helps me everyday by being my "structure manager". This is different from the last decade of being my nagging manager (though I cannot blame her). By this i mean that she no longer asks whether I have done something or not, rather focuses her efforts on maintaining structure in our relationship. So she will handle paying the bills, set the various alarms, print out my calendar and task list and check that I am focusing on priority tasks (not superfluous tasks) without actually asking what the tasks are.
We have found that this takes lots of pressure of her (as she no longer feels responsible for the content of my day) and helps me by maintaining the routine and daily discipline. Still more work for her than if she was to marry a non-ADD (I am under no illusions as to the fact that it requires her to put in far more effort and get far less support and will probably remain so indefinitely).
Regards, The Buccaneer
Shank,
Thank you! Acknowledging my hard work means alot to me. We are at a point that if I write a list he (me husband) just tears it up-the counselor say's he does that because he's mad. Sure there's other issues going on but this is a big part of the problem. He won't take Dr. Meds because he doesn't want to "be on medication". I have recently given him paperwork on Herbal things that might help. We'll see. But it was sure nice finding this place to vent and maybe help & get help...thank you all.
Little teacher
I have inattentive type and know the frustration I cause those around me....
It is very very difficult for anyone who doesn't have the disorder to understand what it means....ask your husband if he minds if you go to see his therapist with him....that could help....you could see first-hand what he's going through and you could discuss your issues there....
also, i know it sounds weird, but there are behavioral programs he could attend which will help him organize himself, etc. the only problem is that we tend to get organized and then get disorganized again pretty quickly...
good luck!
Hi Tish
My husband has ADHD as well. But he does not take any meds. He always tells me I'm the glue that keeps everything together. Somedays it's too big of a job!!!
You sometimes have to go with the saying "Don't sweat the small stuff!!" Because somedays if you didn't, you could drown.
Good luck
Tish,
I am sorry for your situation, My husband and I are have been married for 6 years, both 33yo, and I am the one with ADD. My husband has no concept of understanding what I am dealing with. All he says is just do it, or just apply yourself, or other things like that. Now that I am diagnosed and is on meds, he is still skeptical, he thinks that this ADD thing is over diagnosed and over medicated. So he doesnt beleive in it. But he is supportive in a strange kind of way, it's kind what ever makes you happy kind of way, I still love you. I am now on Straterra and I see a bid difference. You and your husband are ahead of the game, just by you accepting ADD as a problem, and the fact that you come to these forums, says alot about you. You are interested in him getting better and reaching his full potential. Good for you.
Has he been to see anyone about behavior modification? I plan to see one in two weeks. I just want you to be encouraged, it will get better.
My thoughts are you married him better or worse....and are you perfect? If you love him you will continue to support him...if you don't love him then you are using his "faults" as an excuse for your feelings....since you constantly harp on him you prob make him feel less secure just like the teachers all of us ADHDers grew up with ....non supportive, critical, lack of understanding and ready to dismiss us to sit in the hall....in your case dismiss to the divorce court...
Sorry to tell you how I feel, but you should support him with ADHD just like you would support him with a heart problem, cancer or anything else that takes extra effort.....he doesn't have ADHD by choice....
I love Tommy's reply, THANK YOU!!!
I am a teacher too! I have ADD. It has been a rough road for me. I went from a lucrative job, making more money at writing curriculum for a school than teaching. I chose to go into the teaching end so that I could have a better schedule for my kids. They got to go to the school with me. It was a great move for our relationship and a terrible move for my career. I lost papers, forgot meetings, etc. I couldn't keep track of anthing!! But I know that I was a good teacher. I especially know that I was the right kind of teacher for the kids in my classes who suffered with ADD or ADHD. I understood what they were going though and was able to be more patient with reminders etc. I knew they weren't being dierespectful when they called out answers, they were just going with the flow of information in their brains!
Your husband is probably a great teacher for kids who are like him. They are blessed to have him. So are you!! There are good things about ADD. Try to see the good things because only seeing the weaknesses of a person can lead to an unhappy ending.
I went through a divorce and I blame some of it on the fact that I had ADD and did not even know it. My ex-husband was very organized and I wasn't. It usually is the man who is not organized, but not in our case. He had a hard time with my not keeping things together. It wasn't the whole problem, but it would have been easier if we had known.
I am grateful for the chance to teach because I met a child in my first grade class and her parents who introduced me to ADD and ADHD. I realized I might have it when her father described his life. It hit me then, that I might have it too. RealiIng my weakness and treating it has changed my life.
On medication, I do not lose papers, I have files in my file cabintes instead of piles of papers. I have organized lesson plans and I feel like I am on top of things, not drowning. I have also tried herbs which really help me. Ginko is one that has helped me. Focus Formula is what I use. You have to be careful because herbal supplements are not regulated by the FDA and companies are not monitored so they can put in whatever they want and no one is checking on them. So that is a little scary. But I have had good experience with them.
So, I hope you can hang in there. If you are married to a person with ADD I feel like you are married to a talented, creative, spontaneous person! You may have to do a lot of the work, but if you organize the work and ask your ADD partner to do some of it, usually you will get a good response. It is the guidance that we need. We don't know how to build the roads that get us to an organized state. But we are willing to go down that road if shown. It may seem like we do not care at all about the chaos around us, but it is usually that we do not even notice it.
Also, if you hire a maid or cleaning service, that might help you relieve some of the stress you feel having to do everything. Just my opinion.
It's good to read all these comments. I've been married for almost 25 years, and it's only in recent years that I've realized my husband has ADD. My son also has it, and our understanding of that helped us both see the same stuff in my husband. It's a good thing, because it was causing us a lot of problems. I've read that couples with ADHD have three times the divorce rate of others. I can see why. It's really hard!!
It does help to have a diagnosis that he agrees with. Now he's getting help, with therapy and medication, we're getting couples counseling, and I'm more tolerant of his behaviors, understanding that he's not trying to drive me crazy on purpose!
Hi, I'm new to the forum. I've been married to a great man for 10 years and I always thought of him to have this wonderful high evergy and motivation for sucess. It was what attracted me to him in the beginning. Over the past few years his focus is very scattered and is effecting his business. He has started his own small business and works by himself, strictly on commission so he has that pressure of going out and hunting for clients. It's not going very well and it is frustrating him tremendously. He started straterra at 25mg , very minimal a year ago and is not working to focus himself but has calmed the agitation and anger outbursts. He upped it to 40 mg. a week ago and hass become very forgetful now and impotence is now a problem. His therappist said to switch to a stimulant concerta and it will aleve much of the adhd symptoms. We are very concerned about the addictive side effects because he has been self medicating with maryjuana at night to calm down to sleep and just "be". Any thoughts on the dangers of the stimulant drug when he definetly has an addictive personallity and the impotence problem and the pot smoking with the meds. We are at the end of the rope with finances and his overall self esteem when it comes to providing for his family and can't make it happen. I'm helping by getting a part time job as I'm in school again to earn a college degree along with raising a 6 and 9 year old. Any advice is appreciated.
Debbie
Hi There, I read with interest your posting. My partner Frank was diagnosed about 10 years ago. So many ups and downs. We also have been seeing a counselor who deals w/ADD. Naturally he also has ADD and has helped him with a nurse practicioner to manage his meds. I, on the other hand go a bit crazy trying to organize his disorganization. Lure him away from the computer to do priority tasks. Gets very hyperfocused. I have two other close friends w/ADD. I think I could catch it from association..lol Its' not easy to live with. But we are hanging in there. He takes his meds but does not do the 'other work' needed. GOOD LUCKHEllo
Your frustrations are real and valid.
However, you need to know that your husband isn't doing this on purpose. Sounds like he may need more help. Has he had counciling? Are his meds making that much difference?
I am a 33 year old mother of two, and married. I have severe ADHD, and I know my husband has MAJOR frustrations with me. I am just now starting low doses of meds to see if that could help. He however, also has ADD. But not the hyperactive type, and his is not as severe, and does not affect his life as badly. He is still tough to live with too though.He starts projects,,, never finishes them and leaves tools all over the yard in the rain. He ALSO is a teacher. He is super unorganized and never does lesson plans ect. But make no mistake,,, he is an exellent teacher. He is now the Vice Principle at his school. I am lucky that he can understand somewhat,,, and visa-versa.
I am sure there are wonderful things about your husband besides the ADD? Try to focus on the positives. Maybe you both could get councilling together to try to learn to live with it and make it work.
Again, your frustrations are real, and valid,,, and we understand. It is terribly frustrating for the person with ADD as well. I can barely stand myself!!!
Christy
My husband used to point out everything that I goof up on, and all that does is make me mad at him and doesn't help a darn thing. Over the years (we have been married 21 years) he has been learning that if he points out that I am about to goof I actually learn. For instance "you left the oven on, why can't you remember to turn it off?" doesn't go over well, but "turn the oven off" when he hears me take dinner out helps me train myself to turn it off when I take the food out and I don't get upset. If he reminds me daily about something for about a month, I will learn to do it myself. Good luck!I too am fed up-have been married for 18 years. Almost at a divorce. We have two kids and I am doing my best to try to save it, but can no longer deal with the same issues which are making me insane. Just don't bring kids into the situation unless you think you are really going to stay. Had we not had kids, I would be gone. We have 1 1/2 acreas and he likes to tinker with things, cars ,tools etc... and unfortuatley he just brings home more & more stuff to tinker with intead of finishing other tasks he's started. Last straw was taking another broken down car to hide at his parents property when he has two here at our house already. He won't take any medication ( I should take some-it may help me...ha) but is thinking about an herbal type thing if he can find one. Again it may take another 5 years for him to focus enough to go to the store and get some. It is very frustrating being the wife. With a child with ADD you have more control. Beware & good luck. I heard Dr. Phil had on a great speaker and author of the book The ADD Answer - I may buy and read. -S-
Little Teacher,Tish,
U don't say what your husband is doing to asssit himself with his ADD. Does he take meds; does he work on learning any strategied to help himself remember? Does he himself know what his learning style is?
If u haven't already, I would learn EVERYTHING there is to learn about adult ADD. Not for your husband's sake somuch, but for yours. I am willing to bet your husband knows every single time he disappoints u by forgettng somehing or being disrganized. Believe me when I tell u it is no fun for us...no matter how much it may seem like it...we do not do these things on purpose. It is a brain thing (neurological thing). But I think u have a right to ask that he address his d/o in some way that works for both of u.
Take care of yourself. And know that the board is here for support.
Haley in Ohio
tish,Hi Tish:
I am 39 years old and recently married. I have servere ADD and can relate to your husband and the frustration that you have. I can tell you what I have done and what has helped me out a lot. I have been using a palm organzier for roughly 5 years now. I have purchased a holder much like you would for a cell phone and run my belt through it. It is with me all day long. I have created systems for myself to keep my life organized and everything I need to remember or do goes into my palm. At the end of the day i synchronize it with my computer. This has help me out tremendously.
Also, I have purhcased many, many books on ADD. The best one (or should I say most helpful to me) was a book written by Daniel Adler. He identifies the six different types of ADD and will tell you what you can do as far as nutrition, supplements, etc. to help out your husband with his problem.
I try to meditate at least once per day which does help out a lot.
I take adderall (roughly 20 mg's twice per day) and a good quality multi twice per day.
As far as being on time, it almost never, ever happens for me. I know that it really bothers my wife but I try very hard.
I have a very successful landscaping bussiness and growing substantially this year. So people with ADD can have success and I am sure your hyusband can do much better if he has the available tools to use.
I hope this info has helped,
No Spin Guy