Does your family think you’re stupid? | ADHD Information
[QUOTE=GypsyWomyn]
"Your sister does so well." "Why can't you be more like her?" Oh, how I hated that one!
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AAAUUUGHHH!!! I got that one so much it wasn't funny. My sister, a year younger than me, nearly always managed to get grades in the low to mid-90s. Mine were nearly always low to mid-80s. Now, low to mid-80s I thought was pretty darn good! But noooooo.... if my sister can get 90s, then I should be able to too. It pissed me off to no end that procrastinated worse than I did, that her room was an absolute disaster while mine was borderline-OCD neat, that she watched more tv than I did, that she could do her homework WHILE watching tv.
SHE managed to get a president's scholarship to the same university I attended. That meant 00 per semester as long as she maintained an 80 average. No problem for her, right? Wrong. My sister ended up losing her scholarship after her third semester, and even dropped out when she had only one course left. So now I am the one with a BA (even though I dropped to a 3-year program rather than completing the 4th year), and my job pays just a little more than hers does. So in the end... what do grades get you? In many cases, not much. It's funny, but I do think my sister has ADD as well, though I'm not certain.
But I heard all of the same things everyone else did - "you need to buckle down", "apply yourself", "pull up your socks", "your so smart, you can do better". Gosh... I brought home a 50 in math once and my mom sent me to a therapist, who I flatly refused to see for a second time.
Ah, memories of childhood and adolescence. 
I think I'm gonna by my parents a computer and a modem just so they can read this forum. 
I'm so glad I found you folks 
"Your sister does so well." "Why can't you be more like her?" Oh, how I hated that one!
GypsyWomyn38402.4461689815Yeah, I keep trying to break away from it, but I think I'll always be stuck trying to win my parents approval.
I was always the one that was called a 'quitter', 'need to try harder', 'you'd be a fool to do (whatever I was doing)','you're so smart why do you do such stupid things' and I was making giant mistakes whenever I made a decision etc. I've spent my whole life trying to get approval and I finally realized it wasnt going to happen no matter what. And while it still hurts when I see them and they start up with the comments, I am able to see them with new eyes. Its that their expectations that are so limited, not that I am. There is more than one way to be and so many paths you can take.
I agree wholeheartedly with Chaotic in saying that you should let go of the desire for their approval and start living for yourself. If you're working yourself up over trying to prove something to other people- not worth it. So, yes, you're right, you probably are smarter than they all give you credit for. But its not worth wasting your already precious time and energy proving it to them. Also, make sure and do whatever makes you happy. Dont go to grad school just to prove something to them. Go to grad school if that's what YOU want to do. Or, become a professional sculptor, sail sailboats or be a bartender. Grad school isnt the answer and a degree isnt proof of how smart you were. (can you tell I went to grad school just bc my dad said that was what I would do 'if I was smart?' Hated it, dropped out and found a job I loved. He's still harping on about it, but I'm now happy :o) )actually, my family views me as bright if not brighter than them. I am not as educated as my Sister or Dad nor will I ever be but, I am a faster thinker and better at logic and problem solving. My Dad probably was as quick but the yrs have not been kind to him cognitively
Recently finished struggling through an MBA (this was before I knew what ADD was!). Worst experience of my life. But driven by a low esteem (not educated enough I thought) and a desire to "overcome" my lack of business success to date, I registered and suffered through the tedium of classes, the tedium of classmates (who I am sure are actually lovely people) and the usual effort to scrape through. In fact my group (we all had to work in small groups) was so annoyed by my lack of follow through (can't blame them) that I was kicked out of the group! Fortuneatly not called stupid, but being called lazy and unreliable is sometimes just as hurtful!
Hi all,
I must say, when I read this forum I started to laugh, because sometimes it seems as if you people can read my mind! I also laugh because it is a sad way of dealing with the pain of people thinking you are stupid. My in-laws think I am stupid. So much so, that they sometimes dont even include me in conversations. That when I got pregnant, they needed to hire a nanny because I would not know how to take care of my own child.(to their suprise, happens to be brilliant) I even had to convince my own husband that I didnt need anyone to help me. I still love them, but I hate them also. They are very judgemental and I make sure that they will never treat my children as they have done me. I am on my meds now, and I am in nursing school. I will prove it to them. Thanks for reading my mind, I would not have had the guts to start the forum!!
Lee
my family was always saying "Your a very bright, smart girl. You just need to apply yourself more." Apply? What does that mean anyway? I was applying myself, to the best of my ability. And since no one knew I had ADHD, or even knew what ADHD was, I didn't know HOW to apply myself better. I didn't know what my abilities were. I did well when I was interested in something. Did they ever give me credit for that? Nooooo.
"Your sister does so well." "Why can't you be more like her?" Oh, how I hated that one! 
This sounds like me , I dont have to change ONE WORD!!!!! I still am stuggling... I am now trying to get them to understand about my ADD and what difficulties it brings to my life. I told them if they really wanted to help me and my kids they could but it would have to be in a way it helps us not the way they think it needs to be. There response was ... you need to do it for yourself.
[quote]Does anyone here have an obsession with winning their parents' or family's approval?[/quote]
YES! OMG I am 30 years old and I am FINALLY starting to break away from winning my dads approval all the time.
I was never labeled as being stupid by my family. I have always been highly intelligent (and I am by no means bragging at all) so no one could label me as stupid even if they wanted to. But what I always got was "you need to get it together", I am "unmotivated", "not reaching my potential", "failure", "lazy" etc. And that has done a serious number on my self esteem. My brother (who is not ADHD btw) is a computer guru - seriously, the guy is like a minature Bill Gates. And at the age of 23 was making what most CEO's make and he never even graduated high school <rolling eyes>. So my dad was always always talking about my brother, my brother does this, and my brother does that, and my brother makes this much money - blah blah blah. And when it came to me "Oh ya, she's doing good." and that's it. Never mind the fact that I have a GREAT job, I'm married with two small children and I run a home business. Even when I was trying to do my BSc to get into med school, he never told anyone - it was and still is, always about my brother.
I totally understand your wanting to prove everyone wrong. I made some HUGE mistakes this year trying to do just that and of course, it didn't work out - but that was before I knew I had ADHD (and having ADHD and being insanely impulsive puts a lot of light on my past decisions and the motives for them - trying to impress my dad and my family).
I have always had big dreams, my problem was I would go off and tell everyone about them and thus set myself up for failure because everyone was watching. Now, I still have those dreams (which is to be a doctor btw) and I know I can and will do it, but I am smarter this time, I am doing it for myself and not for anyone's approval and I don't think I'll tell anyone what I am doing until the day I graduate from med school.
All I can say, is from past experience, don't spend all that energy trying to be someone you are not. I know it sounds so cliche, but seriously, be yourself, do what makes you happy. If getting a masters or post graduate degree makes you happy, then do it - because even with ADHD, you can. If that isn't for you, then do something else, but do it for yourself. Stop trying to prove everyone wrong, because it isn't fun, it is draining and it doesn't get you anywhere really, right? I have spent almost my entire life trying to win my dad's approval, and finally I realized that I am who I am, and piss on him if he doesn't like it I'm going to live my life the way I want to and so what if I don't make an insane amount of money every month, I am happy and that is what matters the most.
Sorry for the rambling, I just totally know how you feel and it sucks to be blunt. 
So stop it! 
Stop trying to compare yourself to your cousins and don't do what I have done - wasted many days, months, and years to try and prove someone wrong and be something that you're not.
I was never told I was stupid, like C.C. there were too many people saying how intelligent I was. I think it would have been better if I had been stupid, then at least I would have had some excuse for failure (in my parents' eyes at least).
I remember when my parents told me to leave home - my mother said (and these are words I shall never forget) "Mark, you're the biggest disappointment of our lives. Just go."
I curse this freakin' disorder. I shall curse it 'til the day I die.
Mark -
My family thinks I'm one of the dumber people in the family. It's a big source of my anger and frustration. Little things happen all the time that make me mad. For example, my uncle once asked my younger brother if he was going to get a doctorate degree in the future. Since my brother is only an undergraduate he shrugged and said he didn't know. My uncle responded by saying, "But I KNOW you'll at least get a master's degree!" Of course, it never occured to my uncle to ask ME if I had any grad school plans. It never occured to them that stupid old me even be interested in it. My family is always asking my cousin about her graduate school plans and encouraging her to go but not me. Another time, some friend of my uncle mentioned that I could go to graduate school. This man had never met me before so he didn't have a preconceived notion of me being stupid. My cousins however, heard this conversation laughed and laughed. The idea of stupid old me going to grad school was just too funny because I'm obviously too stupid for that. My aunt even tried to "comfort" me about my dim-wittedness by saying, "It's okay if you can't be a career woman. You can just get married." She's not some old fashioned sexist who thinks that women should not work. She has a good job and makes more money than her husband.Even though my self-esteem is low I have this obsession with proving to my mother that I am not stupid. I think I still have to prove it to myself too. But I'm beginning to realize I'm not stupid. I'm not a genius but I now believe that I am smarter than my mother and family give me credit for. I would love for her to someday say something like, "I should have noticed your potential. I'm so stupid why didn't I see it before?" I know it's extremely childish of me but that's how I feel.
Does anyone else have family members that think they are stupid? Does anyone here have an obsession with winning their parents' or family's approval?