Step Son out of control/feel helpless

I am new to this forum. My step son Zach is 12 years old. I married his mom 6 years ago. Zach also has a brother who is 9 who is also my stepson. I have twin daughters who are 5 that are my bio kids. My stepsons father lives in the same town we do but hasn't had any contact with them in over 9 years. The boys reside with us all the time and we are the only household they stay in.Their dad left my wife when the boys were 3 and 4 months old. He stated at that time that he didn't care if he even saw them again and he has done just that. This has always been a real issue with Zach the 12 yr old. He was very close to his dad according to my wife. The dad basically just dissappeared. He is a real prince of a man. Zach was diagnosed with ADHD and Tourrettes Syndrome 6 years ago. He took Adderal up until the last year. He has always been a habitual liar and has stolen from me and other family members several times. He is flunking almost all his classes. He is ridiculed by most school mates and is generally a holly terror in our home. He continuously breaks our rules and then lies about it. It is like interrogating someone to get the truth out. I have been reading a lot of posts here and also at steptogether .com. and fatherville.com. I realize now that I am full of resentment that is now bordering on hatred of this child. I know that Zach can sense this and we were contacted the other day by the school guideance couselor that Zach was planning to run away. I am beginning to realize that a lot of my frustration is really with my wife and our differing views on parenting and discipline. My expectations of this boy definitely need to be reduced to something more reasonable. We have an appointment with a doctor in 2 weeks to see about beginning the medication again. But we need help beyond that in coping with this. I need to find out how to change me and my attitudes instead of placing all the blame on Zach. Any input would be greatly appreciated. I am beginning to doubt whether our marriage is going to survive this strain.

Well, it certainly doesn’t help that Zach’s bio-dad wants and has nothing to do with him or his brother. Make sure he understands it is also his brother his father wants no contact with and that it is the father’s issue and they didn’t do anything to him to make him react that way.

The next step is to talk with your wife and get on the same page as far as discipline. You need to maintain a united front, be consistent, and follow through with any discipline handed out. I myself am in a marriage that is struggling against the burden of ADD. My husband would leave and so would I but thankfully we both realize there is too much to lose. We wouldn’t be better off apart, it wouldn’t make anything better - it would make things worse. In your situation especially you would then have another father out of the picture. Your wife needs to realize that if that happens, she will have her hands more full than ever.

You know the sayings ‘pick your battles,’ ‘save it for the big stuff.’ All that means is that there are certain behaviors that warrant certain actions. If you send the firetruck out each time there is an issue, big or small, you will never fully dose the flames that caused the action. Zach needs to know that he is accountable for his actions in school and at home. There may be feelings of sadness for him because he is being picked on at school. If this is extreme, you or your wife need to call the school and get them involved. I recently had to do this after attempts to help my son handle it himself failed. When one of his classmates threatened to have him beat up by older kids, that was it. After talking with the principal and him talking to all the boys involved, it is mostly resolved. The boy that threatened my son is coming to his birthday party and spending the night at our house!

Bullying is a major issue in schools and some have policies in place to handle it. You can’t ignore bullying because it won’t go away. The main thing Zach can do is to not let it get a rise out of him. If he reacts to it, that’s what the bullies want to see and they will keep doing it. So, since I just said you shouldn’t ignore bullying, how do you react without showing you’re upset? He could try humor, acknowledge that the bully said something but give a look to them that says, ‘get a life loser, you’re not getting under my skin.’

My son takes one dose of 30mg regular Adderall every school day. His grades have greatly improved. His social behavior at school has improved. I finally get report cards that tell me he is a joy to have in class! He still has issues at home, but we are in it for the long haul. I’ve been with my husband over 25 years! One of the most important things I’ve learned, and that I’m still having a hard time doing, is to not interfere when my husand and son are discussing things and are getting loud - I have to know they will resolve it. I looked too much like I was protecting my son. There have been times that he needed it though, especially when my husband didn’t know the whole picture. It’s not easy. Thank you for sharing ideas that have worked for you. I have really been studying ADHD and some of the other problems like ODD and CD. But I have had a moment of clarity that a lot of my anger and fear is coming from how I feel my wife is handling or more to the point not handling this and not so much about Zachs behavior. We are not united, she seems to be oblivious to all this misbehavior. I think she feels guilty about Zach's abaondonment issues. I know that is part of it as well. But bad things do happen to good people. It isn't a license to act up for the rest of your life. I am usually the enforcer and my wife is the enabler. I feel like I have to make up for her lack of discipline and be the bad guy all the time. I told her just the other day that we have to find a common ground of what we are going to try and accomplish and stick to it no matter how uncomfortable it is. I hear you loud and clear about picking my battles. I need to concentrate on only 1 or 2 behaviors at at time and work from there. I have zero trust for this child. He has stolen from me and his grandfather and will look you right in the eyes and lie like crazy. The more I read about all this the more worried I become.

Hi, Bobby0112,

I know exactly what you are talking about!! My husband now (this is my 2nd marriage) is stepfather to my 13year old son from my 1st marriage. He has been with us since my son was 4 and he is not that close with him still. Now we have a 2 year old daughter together. My son sees favourtism shown towards his sister. He loves his sister dearly, but he does get jealous of her at times. My husband just doesn't seem to understand the way Jim(my son) is sometimes. We have been having issues at school lately, and I hate to tell my husband because he just yells about it and thinks he should stay on his pills that he will never be able to get off of them. He takes 36mg of Concerta. He is going to the Dr. next week for a checkup, and I would really like to take him off altogether. One of his teachers said even with the medicine his behavior has changed over the last month or so. He's gotten worse. He makes goofy faces and obnoxious noises in her class to where the other kids ask to be moved from him. She has even had to put him in the hallway and he still acts up out there. He stands in the window that is in the door to her class and makes faces and waves at her to get her attention out there!! I wish I didn't have to work so I could be home when needed to handle things more at the school. I know he thinks he doesn't get enough attention, so he acts out at home whether it's good or bad just to get it. I know I need to spend more time with him, but when I get home at night (I work 9 to 5) I have supper to get ready, a 2 year old hanging on my leg, and I just want to sit a few minutes!! I guess I just need to keep on going until he goes to bed, but it's hard at times. Any suggestions? Are you close with your stepson? My husband needs to include him more in things around the house for one thing. My son's dad is in his life, that's the only difference between him and Zach, he is at his dad's for the weekend right now. His dad doesn't do a whole lot with him though when he is over there, so he is looking for the male role model I think. That's another reason he acts out at home, I think. At school, there are a couple teachers that he wishes were his dad because they pay attention to him. And that hurts that his own stepdad he doesn't say that about!! My husband grew up not showing his feelings very well. His dad is the same way, and it's rubbed off on him.

So I know what you are going through. I know it's hard having a step-family and fitting them together with your new family. You got to have the strength to hold on to what comes your way and try to make it work. Especially having children with ADHD. It's not easy at all. My son also lies to get out of things. I don't have the problem with him stealing from us, but when he gets in trouble at school it's always someone elses fault, never his. I get tired of hearing it!! And he gets upset if you don't believe him!!

Thank you for your reply. Your husband and I sound like twins. I don't express my feelings either. That is the same way my father behaved. Our saga has continued to go up and down since I last posted. My wife and I had a terrible fight and divorce was the topic of discussion. Zach got suspended from school again for fighting. However, since our big blow up, My wife has taken Zach to a new nuerologist and Zach is back to taking Adderal. His behavior seems to be a little better. Apparently he is getting picked on by the older kids in his school on a daily basis. The post on this website and my wifes sudden agreement to continue to seek treatment instead of ignoring this behavior have helped me really lighten up on Zach. I don't have the helpless feeling I did last month. I know I still need a lot of help in parenting skills for Zach "the challenging child". I don't think it is realistic to expect a step parent to feel the same love for a step child as opposed to a bio child. However, the step child does deserve respect and a sense of equal treatment as that of their siblings. It is very hard for me to feel love and tollerance for a child who's behavior causes constant friction and stress to everyone around him. I have to learn how to forgive and forget and lower my expectations of how this family is supposed to be. I think if I can improve my relationship with Zach and change my attitude toward him it will improve our family's atmosphere. But damn that seems hard and next to imposible at times.

I am the step-mom to a recently diagnosed ADHD 6 yr old girl. My husband and I have a 15 mth old daughter together. I am the one who has set the tone for the entire family when it comes to discipline. However, her mother is not consistant in any way. This has created many problems for when she comes to our home. I have to "retrain" her everytime. This has made me extremely resentful of her. I am in the role role of disciplinarian because my hsband wants the sweet time with her. It is so frustrating for me. She is not my child, but I love her whole-heartedly. There is a difference for me betweeen my bond with her and the bond with my daughter. I think it would be different if we had her full time. This is something I have only recently discovered about myself. It IS NOT her fault. I need to change. I talked hoestly with my husband and asked for help. He has agreed to be the heavy with her. I know this will help us. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I can not be responsible for changing her in the 6 days a month we have her.

Talk to your wife HONESTLY. She needs to know what you are struggling with inside. Your step-son deserves the best of you, especially with his father out of the picture. YOU are now his biggest role model. I know you don't want him living his father's legacy. Treat him like the man you want him to become. COnsistancy and love can change this. You both deserve this! Just love him.

I know it is difficult to try and discipline a step child. Your husband needs to take the lead there. I can only imagine what it is like to have to continually remind kids what the house rules are only to have the undermined by another parent with different standards. Of course there is a different bond between you and your child and step child. How could there not be? Sometimes I think we are setting ourselves up to fail with unrealistic expectations that we are going to be the Brady Bunch. Our daily struggles continue. We discoved yesterday that Zach has stolen money from me for the 3rd time. He admitted taking money out of my dresser. No remorse or apology. There has to be more to this than just ADHD. Lying, stealing, non compliance with simple reasonable household rules and boundaries. It is enough to drive me crazy. I have been as open and honest with my wife about my feelings and my perception of our circumstances as I can be. She seems so much more tollerant and accepting. As if it is no big deal. It is a huge deal!!!! This is not normal. Not even close. You're right, it is not normal for him to be completely blasse about your house rules. You need to get on the same page with your wife. How can he be expected to respect what you say if your wife does not agree. For our home, stealing is a cadinal sin. We have a similiar issue of with my step-daughter-- stealing and lying. We say to her, "You do NOT steal. You especially do NOT stealing from family." We then cleaned out her room and left only the bare essentials(bed, pillow, and ugly sheets). She has had to earn them back by showing that she is being trust worthy. We make a point to catch her doing the right thing and reward that. He needs to be taught respect of others property. My older brother has developmental issues. Growing up he would steal things and pawn them from my parents, as well as, my younger brother and me. My parents wrote it off. We hated him for it. Children are taught about what matters. It does not typically just occur to them. Your wife needs to wise up-- what will happen when he steals as an adult?

First of all Bobby I have to say it sounds like you really resent this child,and remember a child is what he is,secondly your wife is this boys natural mother and as such she loves him with no strings,something which it doesnt sound like you are able to do,I am not trying to be critical here,but I am married I have two children,one of which,my 15 year old daughter,is not my husbands,but he NEVER refers to her as his step-daughter,only as his daughter.

While I understand your frustration as I myself have a 9 year old son with ADHD who steals also,it IS extremely hard to deal with,I also think you have to stop after 6 years thinking of this boy as your stepson,you are the adult in this relationship and he must realise you dont like him very much,maybe as a result he doesnt like you either and is acting out to force the issue between you and your wife,as she is unlikley to chose you over her son now is she?

Also one last thing,remember at 12 he is almost a teenager and all these hormornes and things are changing who he is.My daughter and I fight constantly over everything,I hope she will grown out of teenage angst soon and we can go back to being normal mother and daughter.

As I said not trying to be critical,just letting you know how I see it.

Enter Your Email below to claim your Free Book

Site Map | Contact Us | Link To Us