ADHD and love? | ADHD Information

Good question!

In my particular case it would be NO. First, I have never attracted healthy people to me, obviously due to my own low self-esteem and other problems related to adhd.

Adults are products of the emotional enviroment that was shared with parents and peers in childhood. I can say that I had two normal people for parents. If either of them had add/adhd no one was aware of it. I am absolutely positive my dad did not have the disorder, although my mom is another story. If she does have it she's never complained about any of the symptoms. Plus she would deny it anyway. Her generation had to be "perfect" no matter what. I guess it was an ego thing.

Sorry for getting off topic; I know that no one has ever truly understood me or what I am about. No one could relate to my problems on a loving empathetic level, which is why I do not believe that a non add/adhd ordinary person with little education is capable of truly loving another person intimately, but most of all unconditionally with this disorder. The person would have to be very special, educated, or at least, open-minded in order to accept that the disorder is genuine and requires medical attention.

Note - I mean no disrespect to those here that lack formal educations. I also lack formal educatiom credentials.

Or a non-add/adhd person with a handicap of their own would be more likely to understand the add/adhd person due to the fact they both share a medical problem that impairs their ability to function on a normal level.

People with our disorder need empathy, understanding and unconditional love. Most normal people without any impairment at all have a problem showing these traits in the first place, thereby honoring the committment to one another.

So it makes perfect sense to me that the non add/adhd person in the relationship is going to have the tougher time with the add/adhd partner, because they will have the larger job at keeping the relationship vital and interesting for it to be long lasting. How many people do we know today that is willing to give that much of themselves to another human being, either in friendship or romance? Personally, I do not know any. Most people are just to self-absorbed and selfish for the most part in society today.

I know another romance will pop up one day most unexpectedly, and when it does I hope I will have the good sense to be carerful and not give my heart away to a bum. It would be really nice if one of those "special" people were to take an interest in me. My only hope is that I haven't crashed and burned so many times that I will not recognize " goodness" when I finally see it.

Peace~

I think not from my husband...he gets so upset with me...he doesn't express love or hug or anything...I am totally the opposite...also he is a negative thinker and I am mostly the opposited until i get upset...but most of the time I like to act about 18 years old...I love to run in the house play and laugh...laugh all the time...I also like to have fun...he just sits on his couch watching news and cnn etc. ...he is allways putting me down...I will clean the house and he will find the one spot I missed and complain about it and not say anything about what I did do. I was quoted in the paper about interior design and he just said "thats nice" ....I am a bubble of creativity and he is the pin that pops it....I wish I had a husband that was ADHD...I think this would be the only person who would be able to love me truly and understand me......

I dread a divorce from my current husband...I can just see in court...well she screams, acts like a child, shops without my permission, never finishes anything, allways has these great ideas, but never does anything about them, is very impulsive...well yall know the story..anyway the Judge will award everything to my husband because I am "crazy" and deserve to be left.

Absolutely. Yes.[QUOTE=CreativeCrazy]

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Hmm...Sounds to me like your husband does not know much, or enough about AD/HD, or maybe he just doens't have an open mind about it....

I think, as mentioned above, it would have to depend on the non adhder; that person would have to first and foremost BELIEVE ADHD EXISTS and have a good understanding of it, and be willing to be patient and tolerant, and have a very open mind, and a free spirit...

then again, sometimes, it does seem that the only ones who would TRULY be able to really understand us and know us deep down would be an AD/HDer.....The way I look at it is this way: I kinda live inside my own little head, in my own little world, and I could never really EXPLAIN my world to someone enough for them to fully understand it as if they were there.....the only ones who can REALLY understand my little world are the people who live in it with me....YOU GUYS!! or, other AD/HDers... Some open-minded people may be able to listen to my explaination of my little world enough to get a good picture of it, and imagine what is like, if they are patient, and willing, and possibly if they are willing, they may be able to put up with me, love me for who I am, and live successfully with me; but the only ones who can TRULY, REALLY KNOW what my world is like is my fellow, ADHDers....

Luckily, my husband, IS a fellow AD/HDer....we frolic on our own little world together!!

sonya_h38418.4677430556It is definitely possible. But the non-ADDer needs a lot of patience, and a very good sense of humour.

My boyfriend of three years is not ADD. But he thinks most of my "quirks" are just that - quirks. Face it, no one's perfect. Our relationship works mainly because he doesn't depend on me to take care of him - he is very self-reliant, and it doesn't bother him that I don't do the laundry or the dishes. He's been doing these things for himself for years. He doesn't take care of me either, though, he just understands that it may take me a little longer to clean the bathroom, or put my own laundry away. Big deal. If the non-ADDer can get past these little things, as well as having to repeat him/herself often, then everything will be fine. LOL.
I think that depends on the "non-adhd person more than anything. Not all non-adhd people are the same, just like not all of us adhd people act exactly the same way. I don't think there is a definite yes or no answer to this question

Gosh, I dunno.....

I would have to say that the non-adhder would have to be very open minded and extremely knowledgable about your adhd....

But I would have to say yes, I think that it could work...assuming you mean like "fall in love, and make the relationship work".... Is that what you mean?

or do you mean more in general?

Yes they can for i am not ADD but both my husband of almost 10 years is and my 5 year old daughter. I love this website and talking to all of you and to me everyone here is normal and no one should feel otherwise.

I will admit I am a social worker by trade.

Simple question.
Can a non-adhd person love an adhd person the way thay could a "normal" person?

Absolutely, YES! And nothing "special" is required, either!!

I have been happily married now for 9 years, and we only discovered I had adhd 2 months ago.

We love who we love for who that person is inside. I dont think you separate the disorder from the person- you either like the person and his/her characteristics or you dont. I have adhd and my husband loves ME. Not "even though I have adhd" or "despite the fact that I have adhd," but because I am myself, adhd characteristics and all.

For those of you who are saying that having adhd makes you less loveable, I sincerely think you are wrong. Stop trying to fit into a relationship that doesnt work and let one find you that does- you know, the whole stop trying to fit a square peg into a round whole. You are valuable human beings with much to offer. Stop shortchanging yourselves.

[QUOTE=chocoholic]
For those of you who are saying that having adhd makes you less loveable, I sincerely think you are wrong. Stop trying to fit into a relationship that doesnt work and let one find you that does- you know, the whole stop trying to fit a square peg into a round whole. You are valuable human beings with much to offer. Stop shortchanging yourselves.[/QUOTE]

Exactly! It takes a little luck to find someone who suits you, sometimes, and I admit I've recently struck gold in that department after having the conviction for YEARS that I'd rather be single for life than go on one more boring date! My boyfriend is fantastic, loves me for who I am and takes all my pros and cons as part of me. He laughs at me once in a while when I can't find my keys or when I suddenly change the subject to something totally random, but in a good way. He seems to think it's cute, I guess. He respects all that I've acheived with my life and even if sometimes I fail, he appreciates my trying.

Everyone deserves that kind of understanding, and I'm sorry that some of you haven't found it yet. Be strong!

Well said Chocoholic! I agree 100%!

But doesn't anyone ever feel like they live inside their own little world and the only other people who could truly understand is another ADHDer??? not to say that an AD/HDer and a NON AD/HDer can't be in love, and have a successful relationship....Anyone can love anyone else, as far as I'm concerned...

but maybe I feel this way because I grew up constantly trying to explain myself to people, i.e, parents, teachers, bosses, friends, who just would not accept me without first getting an explanation for my "quirks" and they never actually "got it"... with my husband, who is also AD/HD, I don't have to explain myself, and he doesn't have to explain himself either.....we already "get" each other and the other one's quirks.....

I'm pretty sure that there are some NON AD/HDers out there that I would not have to worry about explaining myself to in order for them to "get" me, but I have not been fortunate enough to run across one as of yet.......

WAIT, I TAKE THAT BACK!! One of my best friends, (she lives 900 miles away from me now!!!) was the only NON AD/HDer who ever "got" me without explanation that I ever met....but maybe that had something to do with the fact that she is bipolar....

sonya_h38418.6929861111No one but ADHDers get me...and it seems that the only people who I do maintain a relationship with have the symptoms...but I have never asked them if they are...my husband reads things and for the moment seems to understand me and then the moment passes and he is back to not understanding...when we first dated he thought i was cute and laughed at what I did...but after being together for over 10 years he doesn't laugh anymore...he seems irritated with me...all the time about everything.[QUOTE=CreativeCrazy]when we first dated he thought i was cute and laughed at what I did...but after being together for over 10 years he doesn't laugh anymore...he seems irritated with me...all the time about everything.[/QUOTE]

Uh oh... I hope this doesn't mean I'm doomed...

My boyfriend and I have only been together 3 years...

However, I was with one jack*ss for almost 4 years, and he thought everything was cute and funny at first too. But then the nagging and the bickering started after about a year. He became very verbally abusive, always putting me down. Three years later I decided enough was enough and finally dumped his sorry ass....

We really don't need to put up with this stuff.

I have noted that on my dad's side, where the AD/HD runs, I have never had to once explain myself to my (obviously) AD/HD aunts and uncles (not including my dad, he does not have it) and they have never ever gotten upset with the little quirks and issues that I have, although we have "issues" and problems sometimes, they are always soon forgotten we all get along fine....

But, with my NON AD/HD family on my mother's side, my aunt gets upset with me cuz I sometimes forget to send thank you notes, I cannot remember "exactly" how each and every comb or brush or the soap in her bathroom was laying when I first walked in....(i mean, I clean up the best I can after myself and it looks good, cuz i know i'm a guest in her house, and she is STILL like......"you were in my bathroom, werent you???.. and i'm like, yes, how could you tell? and she is like.."because my deodorant was sitting on the other side of the sink" geez!....) She get's upset, and doesn't really like when I come over anymore, I don't think...she doesn't get the whole AD/HD thing..

My parents don't have ADD, and they don't get it either.... I have had to OVER, AND OVER, constantly explain myself to them through my teens, even though they knew I had ADD...(they are like, "I mean, I know you have ADD and everthing, but what is so hard about picking up a shirt off of the floor?" or, "If you have it in your hand, instead of dropping it on the floor, why don't you just put it away???" constant questions, that I would have to explain, over and over, and sometimes, i just could not explain, being a teenager at the time, I did not always understand myself!!)

I mean, I know these people love me and everthing, but I could never truly be happy with a soul mate, a life partner that I had to constantly make an explanation for myself, cuz they just don't get it, or think I could do better if I just "tried harder"... Like i said, if I had have married a NON AD/HDer then he would have to be very understanding and excepting of me and my symptoms... the only ones so far that I have come to know that TRULY do this is the fellow ADHDers......

WOW.

I'm gobsmacked by all the responses.

I realise this is a bit off topic, but one of my closest friends has multiple schlerosis. He finds the same thing: he is a wonderful, awesome, clever guy but girls can't hack it. If I were non- ADD I might even date him but I could only imagine the catastrophes if we did go out!:P

It does seem as though people have trouble distinguishing what is you and what is the disease. I was talking to my ex boyfriend last night actually, and he said what he loved about me was my openness and the fact I still believe in the possibility of being in love. (He'd just come out of an 11 year relationship and we dated too soon after, hence we are not together anymore).

When I was younger I used to like having guys interested in me as a bit of an ego boost; now I am a bit older (almost 22) I feel more confident on my own. I'm just not interested in dating guys for a month or two and then going our separate ways, it seems a waste.

I find the guys who "get" me are generally down to earth with their own style. Also it helps having lots of friends who are into surfing and music as well.

But I think until you're ready you have to protect your own heart. For a while I was happy being seen as a "sexy" woman, but now I crave more. Til then, I think I will stay single.

Anyone else found this?

[QUOTE=CreativeCrazy]I think not from my husband...he gets so upset with me...he doesn't express love or hug or anything...I am totally the opposite...also he is a negative thinker and I am mostly the opposited until i get upset...but most of the time I like to act about 18 years old...I love to run in the house play and laugh...laugh all the time...I also like to have fun...he just sits on his couch watching news and cnn etc. ...he is allways putting me down...I will clean the house and he will find the one spot I missed and complain about it and not say anything about what I did do. I was quoted in the paper about interior design and he just said "thats nice" ....I am a bubble of creativity and he is the pin that pops it....I wish I had a husband that was ADHD...I think this would be the only person who would be able to love me truly and understand me...... [/QUOTE]

This is exactly what has happened to my 2 ex husbands & every boyfriend I have had in my life. The ones I dated all seemed to want an independent woman..and I can be that on days when I really have to be. It's just I want someone that can accept my oddity & not feel threatened by it. I have been called childish a lot, but the same people that call me childish say I am a stick in the mud when I have blank stare on my face after they make a joke and I am too prooccupied to laugh 8 )

[QUOTE=sonya_h]

I dated an ADHD man in college, and we got along very well. Neither of us ever got bored with one another. But that total lack of being able to control one's self and one's life broke us up. His mother was overseeing all the details of his life and she told him I was not the right person for him. It got so bad that they forced him to start taking anti-psychotics and not Ritalin. He was never capable of controlling his energy and was all over the place the full day. It never bothered me, because we never did anything boring. We went hiking, amusements parks, heck you name it. He was one fun guy.

Well, my answer is yes but it takes an enormous amount of love and patients and forgiving and kindness and compassion and I have been blessed with that kind of a husband for 41 years.

Does not mean we don't have our valleys and mountains but he keeps us pretty much on a even road.

Just being recently dx and understanding why I am the way I am has helped us both a lot. There isn't a day go by that I'm not grateful for his love and support.

Hi, I understand perfectly what you mean about looking bad. I am a single parent and back when my daughter was growing up her dad's family made my life hell. I was lazy, useless, probably loose (right, by myself in a basement suite with a little girl) and just all around odd and different. My daughter and I somehow got through and she is grown up and a hard working, smart, witty, productive citizen and her Dad's oldest is on the street's and two of the other kids have families that are a mess. A perfect example of karma. I was used to rejection and abuse as I grew up with it but please don't ever think that you deserve abuse or have to take it. I have done this and you know what, not only can you never regain those lost years but the damage that is done by abuse can be insidious. Take care of yourself.

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So far for me, no. I was married for almost 5 yrs to someone I was truely in love with that wasn't ADD/ADHD. Two years in, she wanted a divorce because I was having difficulties with work. We worked thru it and stayed together. Almost two years later I learned I had ADD (ironically with my wifes help) and that it had a lot to do with my job issues and she dropped me like a hot potato. In no uncertain terms, she made it VERY clear she didn't want to be with me anymore, and there would be no talking about it (to 'avoid' talking about it, she filed for divorce while I was in the hospital for appendicitis).

I didn't have a problem showing affection, re: 'being romantic', she wasn't a social butterfly, so going places, doing things wasn't a problem. I guess the notion that I wasn't a 'typical male' (lazy, stupid, whatever) and actually had a problem scared her off.

Now, with my current GF, my ADD is causing problems in a different way. My GF is still attached at the hip to her family. Alone, we get along great, but anything outside of normal day to day stuff, her family is involved. They're not bad people, I just have a VERY difficult time being around so many people so often. I'm afraid the relationship is going to end because of this.

So, anyone know a good personals site just for ADD/ADHD'ers?

John