New & Relationship | ADHD Information
Hi everyone,
I thought I would join this forum because I am trying to research and learn more about ADHD as my BF has it. I really want to understand and try and help support him, but I don't really know where to start! He only recently told me that he has it and I guess that some things fell into place... as it explained some of his behaviour that I had not really been able to understand.
He sees having it as something bad and kind of shameful. None of his family knows and apart from me... only one of his friends knows (as far as I am aware). I feel sad that he feels unable to be open with his family and friends about it as I feel he is shouldering this massive burden all alone, which is part of the reason I want to be there for him and help him in any way I can. I respect his decision to not tell people that he has it, but in social situations it is very difficult as he seems to not be aware of how other people are reacting to his behaviour at the time, and then later when we are talking about how people reacted to him he will see how they were... but neither of us knows how to improve the way that he converses in group situations.
Sometimes even when we are talking I can feel that he is not concetrating or listening to me (not that that is unsual for men lol!), but seriously... it's like one minute he is there and the next minute he is in his own little world. I feel guilty then, like I am taking up his time or boring him. He tries to reassure me that I am not boring him or whatever, but I find it hard because I have never encountered anything like it before.
Anyway, enough of my babbling on. Look forward to hearing from you guys.
Lil Miss
[QUOTE=bcgirl1978] Think of it this way - asking an ADDer to pay attention sometimes is like asking a person with no arms to pass you the salt. You don't take it personally when you don't get the salt, know what I mean?
[/QUOTE]
Thank you for the welcome. I love that analogy... will remember it in future and try not to take things personally. I am a very emotional person so I tend to take things to heart, which probably doesn't go down well with an ADDer lol! 
That book sounds really good, I'll have to get a copy.
I have CFIDS and PCOS so I have my own set of chronic health problems. Unfortunately, due to the CFIDS, I tend to forget whole conversations we have had in the past and my BF gets a bit annoyed at me because I can't remember X, Y, Z and he has to recap so that I know what he's talking about. He can't remember something he did 5 seconds ago so between us we make a right pair!!
Lil Miss
[QUOTE=Mark Goode]
Will you marry me?
[/QUOTE]
That's the best offer I have had all day!
Will you marry me?
Welcome to the board! You're boyfriend is lucky to have someone who is trying so hard to understand. Many spouses of AD/HD people are not so accomodating.
I tell everybody about this book - "Driven to Distraction", by Edward Hallowell is one of the best written and most highly recommended books on the subject of Adult ADD. Halowell is a psychiatrist who has ADD himself. This book also contains a section specially for couples where one person has ADD and the other does not. There is a list of some 20 or so things that couples can do together to make life with ADD easier on both.
One of the most important things you can do for your BF is to have a sense of humour about it! Don't take anything personally - you are NOT boring him. Think of it this way - asking an ADDer to pay attention sometimes is like asking a person with no arms to pass you the salt. You don't take it personally when you don't get the salt, know what I mean?
Anyway, again, welcome to the board!
Definitely agree: don't take it personal if his mind just kind of wonders away sometimes....
You say that sometimes he lives in his own little world.....all of us AD/HDers do sometimes..(me personally, ALL THE TIME!!) Ever tried to see inside of his "little world"? I mean get inside of his head and find out where he is? Usually for our little "issues" and little "quirks", such as in conversations with other people, or whatever, there are good reasons, not obvious to the outside world, why we do what we do. If you could like, get him to open a window, so to speak, and look inside, and get him to explain to you how his mind works, sometimes it all makes sense...and you can at least understand and come to expect his reactions rather than just wonder 'why'....and you will be able to deal with him more ....
I hope this makes sense.....I'm having another one of "those days" again today, you guys!! ("Those days" happen more frequently when you are pregnant and not on your medication, i'm coming to see!!
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OH!! forgot to say: DEFINITELY check some books out! Go to the library, the best books actually open up "our little world" and explains it. That may help you to understand him also....
Thanks, guys. That is some good advice, and I'll try to track down a copy of that book.I find myself either doing *everything* (cooking for his kids/my stepkids, taking out trash, paying all bills, etc) and getting really resentful, or acting the part of a nag to get him to do more of this stuff....Do any of you guys have dynamics like that in your relationships? Are there good, loving ways to remind a person to do things?
LilMiss - Sorry if I was accusatory in my description - I didn't mean to say that it was something made up, just something my frustrated mind considers every once in a while....I had OCD pretty bad growing up, and I found it very alienating and demoralizing when one of my parents just said "Don't worry about that...you're just making these problems up" and couldn't relate at all. So that's something I try to remember -- my husband and I even joke back and forth -- I tell him to "pay attention" and he tells me to "stop worrying". Our sense of humor gets us through a lot of frustrating situations.
A recovering OCD and an ADD living in the same house....who would have thought there'd be any tension at all??
Yup. Your BF needs a support group. ADD isn't shameful! I have talked to MedProfs who WISH they had it!! Makes you energetic, spontaneous, and fun!! (When you can control it, that is...) He needs to know that it's not that uncommon. I read "Driven to Distraction", and it was as if someone had been following me around my whole life, taking notes. BIG eye-opener.
I looked into one of those herbal remedies when I lost my insurance and needed a refill. Sounds like some of them might work, then I saw one of those online pharmacies advertised, and thought I'd give that a go. But no, I still haven't ordered anything. I keep... putting it off... typical!
Hey,
I think that when it comes to herbal remedies or natural/alternative approaches, it's very much an individual thing. Some people find that it works well for them and others find it doesn't work at all. I have found this with both alternative and orthodox medicine for my health problems... some works, some doesn't and you have to find what works for you.
Shank - I have a disease (CFIDS) that is often attributed to laziness or believed to be 'all in the mind' when there is actual clinical evidence that it is a biological/physical illness, so from that perspective I don't have a problem believing my partner and his ADD problems/symptoms. At the end of the day, why would someone want to make such a thing up?? I would find it very sad if someone did that. Who wants to live in chaos and not be able to take responsibility for themself? I know from my own experience of living with neurological problems, I get extremely frustrated and I want more than anything to lead a normal life. I also know that when you live with someone whose health problems are having such a dramatic impact on your life, it's extremely difficult and frustrating and that it's hard to not blame or get annoyed with them. Perhaps if you talked to your husband about it, you would realise that he feels guilty or upset with the fact that he cannot pull more weight in your relationship. I am going to get the book which BCgirl suggested. Perhaps after reading it and doing other research you can sit down with your husband and figure out a 'plan of action'? There must be ways in which you can help him to help you. If you figured out a way of setting some targets/goals which you can work towards together, then you would feel better about the situation and feel that he is making an effort? I agree with BCgirl that he needs to make an effort individually as well and that it shouldn't all be up to you to bridge the gap that the ADD is creating between you.
Lil Miss
Shank,
There was no need to say sorry. I was just thinking out loud and looking at it from my perspective... I didn't mean it to come across so strongly!! I guess that as hard as you find it to stop worrying about things, your husband finds it as hard to pay attention. It sounds like you are doing your best to relate to him and coming on here is a good step forward I think. I know I can't imagine how it feels to have ADD, but I have my own challenges health-wise and I guess I just try to remember that my BF has no idea how I feel either... so we kind of muddle along together. 
If you gave your husband a list of things you needed him to do, would he be able to keep to that or would you have to nag him to get them done? I guess that in some ways it's easier to just do stuff yourself if getting it done by another person requires so much effort. I find that in my house with non-ADDers!! It's like... if I want something done I might as well do it myself... that way I know it's done.
Take care,
Lil Miss
LilMiss -- That is an awesome article! Thanks for posting it
Shank - I was just reading this article and thought you might like to read it too...
http://www.addresources.org/article_odd_couple_betts.php
LM
Has anyone tried this becalmd? I'm curious but don't want to blow almost on what may prove to be snake oil.Shank, I know how easy it is to let myself get stuck in an ADD funk, and think "to hell with it all", and curl up in a ball and hope everything just goes away (mess, bills, work, etc). But it doesn't.
Having ADD does not give you a valid "excuse" to not help out around the house. I have a hard time focusing, but I am not a quadrapalegic. I AM capable of helping my boyfriend with the dishes or doing the laundry or feeding the cat.
In an ADD relationship, the non-ADD party DOES have to be understanding, but the ADD party must also be willing to help him/herself and make an effort. Is your husband seeing a psychiatrist? Is he on meds? If he is not getting any sort of prefessional coaching, he should seriously consider doing so.
As I've said time and time again, "Driven to Distraction" is an excellent book. Good luck 
Hi again,
Thanks for the messages. I told my BF about this site and read the replies to him. He thinks that this forum is awesome. He also asks: has anyone tried becalmd? He has found that it works really well for him, though he forgot to take it for 3 months!! It's 100% natural and the website is www.adhd-becalmd.com - don't worry I am not a sales rep... I ordered it for my BF because he told me that is what he takes.
Thank you so much for the replies, it's nice to know that there is some place for me to come and learn more or get advice. I will definitely go to the library or bookstore and try to get some books on the subject.
Look forward to talking more with you guys,
Lil Miss & Mr Twinkley (my OH)