I need some help my son has had adhd since he was 4 now 10. We've tried most of the medications available. He's now on Ritalin LA 40 mg. Things are worse then ever. He constantly lie and refuses to complete all homework. He doesn't even bring all his assignments home. He has good teachers who try to assist him with getting the assignments written down and the teachers and I are in contact all the time. he has gotten to the point now where he tries to sign my name to papers that need to be returned signed. They suggested that I come up with a goal chart with rewards if he completes all goals. DIDN'T WORK. We punish him by taking the things he love the most from him. DOES'T WORK. I set with him and help with homework but I get so frustrated that I have to get up and turn it over to my husband that just makes matter worst. My husband just doesn't have the patients for it. My son is the only child that I've seen that forgets everything, if you ask him a question even a simple question he doesn't know. My son at 10 is a great artist so I try to encourage him with his art but an education is still inportant and I explain that to him. I don't want to take drawing from him not sure if I should. I'm confused and at a lost on what to do I love him so much but he works my last nerve. What can I do to help my son and keep my sanity.
If you're frustrated, think how he feels. He's constantly reminded about how he isn't measuring up. When he forgets things, when his grades are poor, when his behavior annoys the kids at school. How can you feel good about yourself when it seems you can't do anything right? Are all these efforts to improve his behavior serve as reminders of his feelings of inadequacy. When you get frustrated with him while he does his homework, what message are you giving him? You are already undermining his success. You are frustrated because he's not meeting your expectations, because you've got other things to do, because he's not easier to deal with. He's anticipating your frustration and resenting it. ADD brains can't operate under that kind of pressure. At least mine can't. When you've had enough of his "crap" and you hand him off to your husband, what message are you giving him? You are saying, "I'm done. I know longer want to deal with your inadequacies. Go away." Now, how does that help things? You can't allow yourself to indulge in frustration. Just take a deep breath and say to yourself "as long as it takes" and just accept that. Your job is to be his mirror and teach him how he should see himself.
My guess is that he feels pretty bad about himself. And pretty angry with the world for putting this on him. Homework has become a power struggle. A tool that he can use to fight you with.
Punishment is a bad idea. Don't take away things that improve his self esteem!
It breeds resentment. Remember the goal is to help him to achieve.
The best incentive that I've found is a reward system that he designs. He has got to pick the reward and chances are, the reward will have to change often because ADDers get bored so easily. I've never been good at keeping up the charts and the stickers. So far, keeping track of them mentally has been sufficient. Also, ADDers tend to do better with partial reward systems rather than all or nothing. So if he slips a little, he only loses a a little.
And something that I've noticed with my own son is that allowing him to do something that he associates with adulthood, and being responsible, like cooking on the stove for example, or assembling a simple piece of furniture, brings out a sense of competance and independence and pride. Last summer I bought him a hot glue gun. He was shocked that I trusted him with it. And of course he burned himself (no blisters), but it's a good message to give kids that you trust them more than they trust themselves. Find out what he is afraid of and challenge him with it.
Finally, if you are feeling some resentment toward him for "not being easier, or better, or for embarrassing you with his behavioral problems, or whatever, you need to deal with that on your own time so it doesn't color your perceptions when you're dealing with him.
I hope I haven't been too hard. I know how difficult it can be, and I'm no expert. Just living and learning like everybody else.
foxp I loved your answer coming from another perspective. I have a 5 year old and I can relate to mom1cst with gettting my child to do things, most things are inaffective with her as well. I love knowing both sides it helps me understand more. Thank you
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