Breaking through | ADHD Information

I'm new here and non-ADD. I've been looking for any and all information I can find because I am at a loss in figuring out how to break through to a man I met who has ADD. Well, I can't say we have actually met since our "relationship" began in a chat room and has progressed to phone calls and emails (I make the calls and send the emails). Months ago we were supposed to meet. I live in New Jersey and he lives in Florida. It's not like we live on other sides of the world but in the four months we've "known" each other he hasn't stuck to any of his plans to visit me. I am at my wits end in deciding whether to just walk or stick with him. He is probably the kindest man I have ever "met" but it is really frustrating that we make plans to meet and one thing or another happens and it gets pushed back another month. What can I do to nail him down or do I listen to my friends who say I should dump him. I'd hate to hurt his feelings since I find it hard to believe he could be doing this on purpose. "Driven to Distraction" is an excellent book and it too has me scared of what I'm getting myself into.

Can anyone ADD and non-ADD give me advice on where to go with this potential relationship? Reading the boards here makes figuring out the pros and cons of dealing with ADD quite difficult as most people have learned to cope, but I'm not so sure that I can. Maybe I've answered my own question and if I have what is the best way to say goodbye without damaging his self-esteem too much.

For your own *health* as for your own physical safety I think you should turn and walk (or run) away. Block his e-mail address (although HE can always create a new one) and don't accept any of his calls.

What do you *REALLY* know about him? AND..What have you told him about yourself? Unless you met through a reputable on-line intorduction service (e-harmony.com, etc...) this situation has a greater chance of causing more harm than is has to date.

Count your disappointments as a lesson well learned and get out before the lesson becomes harder to learn and harder to recover from.

Just my .02c
Also, Janet, although he may be a very nice person, he may just be afraid to get into a relationship. He wouldn't be the first man to be afraid.      Or perhaps he's being wary himself. (Of course, I'm not saying he has reason to be wary of you.)

I know of someone who met her ex-husband thru a chat/forum. Even after 4 years on line, and 4 years in person getting to know one another and eventually getting married, it still didn't work out. He still had issues she hadn't realized. So, I agree with ZORG...not necessarily run, but be very careful.

And as you said, you may have answered your own question. Everyone isn't as fortunate to learn things in advance, like what to expect from an ADHD partner. I'm not saying we're so bad, but can be high maintenance.     

Follow your heart and your intellect, and your gut feeling. Listen to yourself! It's up to you.

 

I'd suggest just telling him the truth.  I think that most of the time when people don't tell the truth because they don't want to hurt the other person - it really isn't about the other person.  He's a grown man - if you like him at all, just tell him the truth, set boundaries and move on. 

Thanks everybody. It's not like he used the ADD as an excuse for his odd behavior. It's just that you'd think we would have met by now without excuses. No information, other than what normal people who meet on a plane, train or other public place, has been exchanged. It's just that I've met with other non-ADD people over the months that I've been corresponding with online and there haven't been any problems. I keep myself safe, always meeting in a public place and I've done a background check on him and everything is as he told me.

I do understand your concern, but like I said, since I hear that ADD people suffer from low self-esteem do I just walk away without saying anything. I just don't want to cause him any more heartache than I'm sure he has suffered since this is such a troublesome syndrome. Since the verdict so far is to dump him like a hot potato without explanation I will do so. I just thought since some of you have had this experience before, what is the best way to tell him I don't want to converse with him anymore in a way that won't hurt him too deeply.