I was wondering how you guys hold up friends? ok what I mean is this how many of you lost friends, bascially out of annoyance or you got tired of them? My problem with friends is this, I have never really kept any friends accept for one, because either I drove them up the wall, not intentionally just did, or I lost interest in them. my husband points out, that soemtimes I don't listen to people, which is true, i admit. If they don't talk about interesting stuff, I basically block them out, doesn't sound like a good friend now does it? also, when i am out with my husband I have become used to the fact that I don't engage in conversations, I have doen it twice and I embarrassed myself and my husband, non intentionally, has that happened to anyone else? just curious!

mysticalzoe

RE:  friends ...

I think I'm sort of immature and this causes problems.  I'm in my late thirties chronologically but am really more like a 20 something in the way I deal with the world sometimes.  I'm behind, my judgement is just now becoming more "adult" in it's nature.  I'm just now finishing a graduate degree and all aspects of my life are "behind".  Being so far behind, my old friends from younger days are out of sync with me and not really people to hang out with anymore. 

I do the oposite, I will say stuff that doesn't make any sense whatsoever.....which I get strange looks for or a quick "honey shut up nudge" 

I can relate, as I don't have that many firends either......I tend to quickly say anything that ticks me off or if they do somethign dumb and am alsway putting my foot in my big mouth

Thank goodness for finding about having ADHD, otherwise I would have had no idea how I appeared to others. Often I would talk or monopolize the conversation, unknowingly. Now that I'm on medication I can monitor myself a little better and allow others to say what they need to say. I don't have to be the center of attention anymore.

I can totally relate, I am barely holding onto the friends that I have now.  It just seems like it is too much effort.  I don't even pick up the phone or answer my door most of the time.  I think far too much in advance....like if the phone is ringing and it's one of my friends, I"m thinking, "well, I have to do this and that and if I have the phone I can't really do these things...bla bla bla" and so I just don't pick up. 

Another thing though is I always pick up for my husband when he calls, and I always like to call him no matter what...I wish I understood myself!

And for when I do hang out with friends, I do say random things and they do joke around and say things that make me think they think I'm weird lol.  Whatever though, my random sense of humor is something I like!

I was wondering how you guys hold up friends? ok what I mean is this how many of you lost friends, bascially out of annoyance or you got tired of them? My problem with friends is this, I have never really kept any friends accept for one, because either I drove them up the wall, not intentionally just did, or I lost interest in them. my husband points out, that soemtimes I don't listen to people, which is true, i admit. If they don't talk about interesting stuff, I basically block them out, doesn't sound like a good friend now does it? also, when i am out with my husband I have become used to the fact that I don't engage in conversations, I have doen it twice and I embarrassed myself and my husband, non intentionally, has that happened to anyone else? just curious!

mysticalzoe

I relate to experiencing the immaturity, can't follow a conversation, anything I say is irrelevant or lame.  Can't keep friends, usually wind up disliking the one's I make and they eventually find me intolerable for the aforementioned reasons.  Sometimes I even make friends with people I don't like, simply because I need to get out and have some fun & companionship. 

The friends I did make would eventually find a compartment for me in their lives where I couldn't do harm to their social status with their other friends!  The latest one - she treated me like a charitable 'project'.  Constantly giving irrelevant advice that I didn't ask for.  Ugh!!    Getting pointers from someone who's just as obnoxious as I am - what a joke.  But I'm too slow to think of a comeback - so she wins, lending credence to her own misguided perceptions of her superiority. 

So now, if I'm included in a group outing, and a bunch cancel at the last minute, I immediately assume it's because they're avoiding me, but of course. 

Now that I've lost the 3rd round of my adult sets of friends, I'm exhausted - my self-esteem at an all time low.  Lost my mother over a year ago and the rest of my family has taken this opportunity to write me off completely - my sister (a social butterfly and extremely fun and likeable to most) has had it with 'carrying me' when I get too lonely.  Which has its benefits, I usually wound up being the butt of her sarcastic jokes and dumping ground for her life's frustrations - her personality has its flaws, which are always best saved for someone lacking social status and credibility like myself.  When we settled my mother's estate, she cut me out of decision making (and hired a incompetent lawyer I had immediately pegged on sight BTW - let's not forget how perceptive we can be!). 

Anyways, I'm grateful for your stories. 

It's always been hard for me to have friends.  I would have one or two close ones and then aquintances.  People don't "get me".  I don't fit in with the girly talk about clothes, shoes, fashion, etc.  I grew up a tomboy and never got into that stuff.

For the most part it doesn't bother me, my life is very busy.  Before my marriage, I had one friend who was married with a child.  She never made time for me.  Then when I met my husband and started spending all my time with him, she started this whiny "you never spend time with me" crap.  I blew up at her because she didn't make time for me for a full year.  Within a year I dropped the friendship when I realized that her whole life was just about drama and trying to start drama in my own life.  I wasn't having that.

I've let friends run over me but I get angry with friends if they "don't act" how I think friends should: supportive, understanding, etc.

My busy life now keeps me from missing that.

I tend to make friends very easily and throughout school I had lots of friends. But once I finished school and actual effort had to be made to keep friends I've lost most of them. Since then I've made new and lost contact with countless amounts of new 'friends'.

I have my close group of mates who I've known since I was 4 and as long as I don't lose the friendship of "the boys" I don't have a problem.

Although other than those fellas my address book has been a revolving door, same with girlfriends.

God, this is enlighteningly painful--or rather, painfully enlightening--to read.  I could cut and paste sentences/paragraphs/sections and they would hit the nail on describing my generally-frustrating "journey" of trying to meld my wave into the sea...

Ironic that mosts who avoid/ostracize us have the impression that we are simple insensitive bulls in china shops, when nothing could be further from the truth.

One common adjective that unifies us all in this regard is our feeling unfairly MISUNDERSTOOD...the epitome of frustration...and we can't just let this feeling  slide off our back...no we ruminate, make resolutions about "next time", etc. only to try too hard and "perform" even worse socially next time.

As a result, I have given up cultivating/maintaining my own friendship base (like davinci56 the logistics and the emotional hangovers make it a non-starter)...so I plug vicariously into my significant-other's (they've both been very normal and gregarious)...but then I am exactly like goingnut's husband...and the usual post-social-activity emotional hangover includes feeling bad for disappointing her.

Can't manage my own.  Am a net-negative socially when I free-ride in my wife's circle.  Hmmm.  Obsessively engage in avocations, anyone???

p.s.

So i get revenge on all the mundanes by obsessively taking care of my health and looking at least 15-years-younger than my age.  "Eat your hearts out you socially-well-adjusted heart-attacks-waiting-to-happen..." is my twisted logic.

Whole food diet, minimum 80-minutes of aerobic exercise, and a daily egg-yolk facial--make me LOOK great, like I've got it all together...so I let everyone think I do.  But my attitude to social interaction is basically that I have regarding dealing with bureaucrats...minimize.  Only exception to this is with my very normal darling wife who I can talk to as plainly as this...she understands me completely...we love and accept each other and don't try to change each other.  She needs her social circle...I need my rituals (the time freed up by not having social-interaction on my schedule allows my nearly 4-hour regime to unfold each day).  

Everyone must, given their own situation,  find their own less-than-ideal pain-minimizing  path that "leaves bad-enough alone".  For most ADHD, social interactions will be a best a mild frustration...and it's like the itchiness/scratching cycle...so I've stopped trying to improve in this area (ie. scratching).

This is how I am "coping".  Accept the inevitability of this "normal" joy being a frustration for me...minimize this negative by purposefully avoiding it and mindfully transferring this pain into positive/health-building efforts (you might call them obsessions; I prefer "occupational therapy). 

Vive la transferance!

I'm also an INTP, so have had a life full of trying to understand this thing called "friendships." Early in my adult life I never understood why people didn't flock to me like they would with others, which was quite depressing. As I aged and learned about ADHD (the first time I heard about it, I knew I had it....explained why I did so poorly in school even though I test on the high side of IQ tests) I began to understand why I have "trouble" making friends. Also explained why I hated parties.

I then learned I'm an INTP and again, it helped even more in understanding how I related to others. I put the word trouble in quotes for a reason because as I aged I understood that having a very small circle of friends was quite acceptable! It seems we are programmed that to have a "normal" relationship we must have a huge stable of friends. As I learned more about me, the more I understood this concept to be not only wrong, but potentially damaging to ADHDers or INTP types.

Does it mean I am now "cured?" No, as at times I am very frustrated I'm unable to converse like "normal" people do. I've returned to college to finally earn my degree and have been very frustrated in some classes at how when I try to participate in the discussion I anger other classmates. This still is totally confusing to me because I have NO idea why what I say is any worse than what anyone else says! The only real feedback I've had is that I "can be blunt," which doesn't really offer much. On a side note, I've never been able to stay a member of many chat sites as I'm booted off as a trouble maker, which is odd because my posts are the most mundane of any, but cause others to think, then react negatively.

While I am for the most part pretty positive, I can say that while I'm comfortable with my very small circle of friendships, I've become very concerned about how to apply the undergrade because of my age, inability to relocate, and being INTP and ADHD.

Hope I've not rambled too much. I'm new to the site and am still reading all the wonderful posts! Thanks.

Russ

I relate to all of your posts above...having had (still having) difficulties making and keeping friendships since childhood. And, although I have kept a small 'handful' of friends ...a couple actually for over 30 years ... what is odd, or at least other may think so, none of them know one another. I may speak of one to another, but none of them have actually met any of the others. Is this common with any of you?

Also, these friends I've managed to keep have learned to accept and realize "it's just the way you are" ... my being blunt, constantly searching for words, walking into walls etc. ... and have been able to see beyond my idiosyncracies and see the good person and friend I truly am.

Also, I believe I'm quite the 'extroverted recluse' (great oxymoron!), finding I enjoy my own company, and my cats, the most.

[QUOTE=GypsyWomyn]what is odd, or at least other may think so, none of them know one another.
Also, these friends I've managed to keep have learned to accept and realize "it's just the way you are" ... my being blunt, constantly searching for words, walking into walls etc. ... and have been able to see beyond my idiosyncracies and see the good person and friend I truly am.

[/QUOTE]

The true "friends" I've had in my life have been introverts (the INTP stuff again). And so, they too have little interest in talking about mundane things many people enjoy. Our discussions are all over the board but incredibly deep and sometimes incredibly long.

When I have attempted wonderfully deep discussions with "normal" people, it mostly leaves then feeling angry and in turn, they then tend to have negative feelings toward me.

But unlike you GypsieWomyn, is that my core 3 best friendships (at the moment!) grew from enjoying the same hobby. Amazingly, I've been able to maintain a friendship with these friends for almost 25 years now. Of course, the "friendship" may not be defined as "normal" friendships because we don't do a lot of socializing outside the hobby.

Interesting to note is what we define as "friends." I'm sure we all have a few more "friends" than we admit, but by our definition, we don't consider them "friends." For example, I've a long-time relationship with someone that I don't consider when I think of "friend." BUT, she considers almost anyone she stays in touch with a "friend," which makes no sense to me. Not sure this is making sense, anyone have any thoughts?

[QUOTE=davinci56]  The funny thing is this: now there are 3 new people or 3 extra 'things' I need to organize, worrry about, get stressed out about, three extra 'things' I need to coordinate in my planner pad and,  along with all the other things that I need make sense of, organize and do but am not. This definitely sounds as if I am objectifying these innocents. [/QUOTE]

Awww.This is exactly how I feel. It seems sometimes that my life is becoming one big list. Even 'fun' things are list items...one more activity to juggle and coordinate.

I sobered up 9 months ago after like, 16 years of drinking. My life then consisted mostly of going to work and staying home drinking...with the occasional trip to the grocery store, the doctors office....or once a week my friend would come over, I'd cook, and we'd watch a rented movie.

My world was small. Small and manageable. I figured that my only problems were the drinking and the depression I believed I was medicating.

Now that I'm sober, my life is 'bigger'...AA meetings, AA 'friends', more activities, more 'fun'.....more items for the list. I am not as guarded as I was, and I tend to be more friendly.

But with all that comes more obligations, more people's feelings to be concerned with, more scheduling. And more of an opportunity to forget what people say (or not 'get' it in the first place) more places to get lost, more times to forget...just more 'stuff' to do. Now I find it's due to ADD.

I am blessed with a few people who seem understanding, or at least seem to think I have enough qualities to make it worth staying around. No partner though; I'm not sure, however, that that isn't best for me anyway. And nobody actually has to spend too much time with me. The one person who does seem to want to be 'my friend' is constantly finding things wrong...I forget her grandkids names, I tune out when she talks, I don't call her on the phone, I don't seem to want to see her as much as she wants to see me (!). Crikey. But she suspected that I have ADD....and I'll bet now she expects it'll get fixed and I'll suddently do all those things she thinks I ought to do.

AAARRRGGGHHHH.