Is it them - or is it ME? | ADHD Information

Dear Ladyhope, I agree with all of the other replies. Especially heredity. But, also, you mentioned that you have been misinterpreted at work too. That is out of the realm of genetics.

I suggest you ask your dearest personal friends if indeed you have a tendency to word things in a hurtful or offensive way. At least you will have some objective feedback.

Let me know.

Buzz

ADHD personality strikes again -

Twice today two people in my family, of all places, have misunderstood something that I asked about and a statement that I made. Both occurrences were completely unrelated and happened at different times. How is it that the sound of my voice or the inflections of my words cause insult, accusation and anger? This is a problem that has manifested into self-ridicule and embarrassment over the course of my life, and at times makes me wish that I were a ‘mute’!

The first incident was with my daughter when she called late in the morning today to let mom and I know that she was moved into her new home. I then casually told her about the problem with her pet, Frank, and asked her if she knew anything about it? My thoughts were that she had just forgotten to tell us, since we were boarding Frank at mom’s house for safe-keeping.

Well, immediately, the tone of her voice rose and one could sense that she was quite insulted by the belief that she thought, I thought she had failed to disclose something important to us about her pet. After I calmed her down and made it clear that I was not making an accusation against her, she explained that she did, in fact, feel that I had made an unspoken suggestion, that she was at fault just because I had asked about the evidence I had found on Frank, which led me to believe that it was an old injury. After explaining myself, she finally said she knew nothing about the old injury on him, where I then assured her that mom and I had taken care of it and the animal was doing very well.

At that moment, I almost felt like what had just happened was a bad omen about the entire day. It turns out I may have been right…

A few minutes ago, I walked out of my room to go outside and enjoy a few puffs of a cigarette. Mom was sitting in the living room watching a documentary that we had seen no more than two weeks ago. When I came back in from outside I also asked her very casually, did she not remember that we had seen the very same documentary just a while back. All of a sudden she bolted from the chair, with tea and cigarettes in hand and angrily said, “never mind, I’ll go to my bedroom and watch television.”

Okay, is it her or me? What was the problem? Was she mad that she did not remember watching the show a few weeks ago? Is she upset because I asked her a question while she was watching the program? Or was she mad because she thought, that I thought, she shouldn’t be watching TV at all, since she was the one that said only a few days ago that she did not like having the television on all day. Of course, when she made that statement I knew then that was a double-standard rule. She doesn’t like it when I sit in front of the TV all day watching the programs of my choice, since they do not match her personal preference. However, this is the third day in a row that she has sat in front of the television watching her cooking, shopping and news channels. So, does that mean that she thought I was calling her on the carpet because she is feeling guilty for breaking her own rule? In fact, I wasn’t even thinking about that particular issue until I sat down and starting writing about how I was feeling about the whole occurrence and the entire day’s events.

The million dollar question is still why do people seem to get so angry with me and what can I do about? The old saying is, “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” Well, I’ve known this for years and I feel that I have been watching how I say things to people for a long time. I always try to modulate my voice so that it isn’t too loud or impertinent sounding. I used to do that by the way and it always got me into trouble.

Both of these instances today were not meant to cause any uproar, commotion or unhappiness. The two questions, one to my daughter and one to my mother, were casually and innocently asked with care and concern, yet I managed to put another rift between myself and the people I love. Is it my fault, am I thinking about this too much, like obsessing? Believe me, I don’t do this often; just devote bytes of web space to this stuff. But situations like these today have put me at odds with several former bosses. Therefore, I remain concerned.

So, is it them – or is it ME?

Thanks for listening.

Peace.

ladyhope,

if everthing happened the way you say it did, I don't think it's you at all....

I was just talking to someone recently about MY family, and how we have to tiptoe around them (namely my father and my sister) about what we say because we know that they will jump up and get upset if we say certain things are said the wrong way because they have strond ad/hd tendencies....

not only is phrasing sentences and tone of voice issues problems with ad/hd, but TAKING THE PHRASE THE WRONG WAY, such as the way your mother and your daughter did, these are also symptoms of ad/hd...

now, this is just a question, just based on what you are saying....we know that ad/hd is hereditary......is it a possibility that your mother and your daughter also have ad/hd tendencies? It sounds very "ad/hdish" for them to jump up and get so upset by a simple sentence the way they did....I know that it is ad/hd-ish because I CONSTANTLY take things that other people say the wrong way....it is just one of those things. (incidentaly, i have no problem wording my phrases the wrong way, or using the "wrong" tone of voice, but I have the opposite problem of TAKING phrases the wrong way...i think I read somewhere that this is all related..)

it was just a thought for you to consider...

just because you have ad/hd, does not mean that EVERY BAD THING that happens to you is all your fault....

I think you need a hug....

[QUOTE=ladyhope]How is it that the sound of my voice or the inflections of my words cause insult, accusation and anger? This is a problem that has manifested into self-ridicule and embarrassment over the course of my life, and at times makes me wish that I were a ‘mute’![/QUOTE]

Ladyhope...that fits me to the tee. And why I'm always misinterpreted. However, I don't think it's anything you said today...just the defensiveness of your daughter and mother, for what reason I cannot say. I've been trying to reword things to people, especially those who do try to read between the lines (they should know by now that I'm going to say it like it is! so don't try to read something else into it, thank you very much!

)

Even if you had said to your mother, "Oh, is that the show we watch (or enjoyed) a couple weeks ago?" she probably would have still gotten upset. So I think it isn't you, hon. Not in these two cases.[QUOTE=sonya_h]

ladyhope,

if everthing happened the way you say it did, I don't think it's you at all....

it was just a thought for you to consider...

just because you have ad/hd, does not mean that EVERY BAD THING that happens to you is all your fault....

I think you need a hug....

[/QUOTE]

Basically what I wanted to say!

Thank you all so much for the responses.

Everything happened just the way I said that it did, of course, I had to do some ad-libbing, since I have problem enough trying to remember what I just said most days.

Yes I believe that my mom has ad(h)d, at least, some form of it. I have been paying closer attention to what she says and does and it is obviously there. No doubt. So, it definitely came from her side of the family if not directly from her. But as she remains in denial about most everything in her life she would never understand and is more likely to believe that I just insulted her. I don’t know if most people from her generation ever admit to anything that they find unpleasant, but she and my dad were notorious for never admitting to ones mistakes. They never took the responsibility to correct a fault, never apologized or made amends for wronging someone, especially their own children not to my knowledge. In their children’s eyes they had to be perfect, but we knew differently.

Over the years, I have asked many people that I felt comfortable with if they would point out anything that they saw, heard or found unpleasant about me. They were the people that gave me some advice regarding what I needed to be careful of, when I was around other people that didn’t know me as well. But sometimes nothing worked! The most probable reason seemed to be that they just didn’t care for me. I tend to be disliked more so than I am liked, generally. I can say, quite truthfully, that people misunderstand, and misinterpret everything about me, including who I am. I make people uncomfortable instead of putting them at ease. Usually and not of my own volition; I intimidate people rather than encourage them, just by my mere presence. With women the green-eyed monster jealousy rears its ugly head, when I would prefer being regarded as just ‘one of the girls.’ And with men, OMG, they’re usually running for cover before they take the chance to ask me for my phone number. Okay – just being facetious there, !!! Men are extremely intimidated by me. The reasons have been, get this….. ”I appear to be too sure of myself, they didn’t believe I would go out with them, I’m too pretty, they feel like they couldn’t handle me, I’m too intelligent, blah-blah-blah.” It always seemed to be one excuse after the other. I’ve given up on that merry-go-round though. Plus, I too talk too fast, am too high-strung, and my voice goes up a few octaves when I get really excited.

What is a girl to do?

Right now, unless I find a really good book that discusses all these matters, I may be in need of a coach, if that is what it’s called. Someone that can go through the many facets of my personality, animation, and vocals to teach me how to behave, modulate and moderate everything from my bodily movements to facial expressions and so forth. If I knew what was pleasing or would help people open up around me and feel comfortable, then I know that I would have so much more hope and a real future to look forward to. Life might then be really, really great for the first time ever.

Peace~

ladyhope38431.7099884259

I am having the same kind of problem. I just lost out on what could have been a good friendship because as she put it

[QUOTE=Buzz] Dear Ladyhope, I agree with all of the other replies. Especially heredity. But, also, you mentioned that you have been misinterpreted at work too. That is out of the realm of genetics.[/QUOTE]

Buzz, if being misinterpreted anywhere, due to the difficulty of getting those words from brain to mouth, or the words we had hoped to use, or the words not coming out as we had intended, a difficulty which I have, as do many others on this board, and seems to be a symptom of ADHD, then if her mother IS AD(H)D, and ladyhope has it genetically from her mother....I personally don't think it's "out of the realm of genetics." It was one of the main reasons I "lost" jobs many times.

Now, I may have misunderstood what you were saying, so I don't know if this is a satisfactory response to your post, Buzz.

Wow, if I can understand what I just typed, I'm definitely ADHD.

Hope you understood it. GypsyWomyn38431.7334953704[QUOTE=melimonk]I am having the same kind of problem. I just lost out on what could have been a good friendship because as she put it ...

I talk too fast, too loud, like to yell alot and am too high energy. In other words I rub her the wrong way. This happens to me alot. It is very depressing and isolating. I too try to modulate my tone and keep my mood even but I guess I dont do a good enough job as this happens over and over with everyone so no it's not them. Its us[/QUOTE]

Wow, that's my life story! And welcome to the board, melimonk!

I used to be invited to a "surrogate" family's home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc., but the family members I'm not close to have asked that I don't be invited any more because of my high energy, loud talking, not sitting in one place very long (yo-yo). The last time I went, I also tried to moderate my tone and energy, but they still told me I would no longer be invited. However, the mother/grandmother of this family, whose house they gather at, is a true friend to me, and loves me for who I am and just the way I am! I don't think I'd care to return for the holidays, if I'm not wanted anyways. In their case, I think it's THEM! They're stuffy, non-compassionate people. So there. And that's just ONE example.

Do you mind if I ask how old you are? I ask because had I known the reason I'm like this, I may have gotten help sooner, and had a completely different, and less lonely, life. GypsyWomyn38431.5439930556