how do you deal with criticism? | ADHD Information
It hurts. sometimes, I cry, lately I get angry... I don't know! it just seems to me like sometimes other people make my problems seem larger than life when in reality I don't feel that bad...I am happy that I have the ability to look at life from such a creative, childless prespective..
hmmm,
Usually I think it through, If I feel it validated I try to learn from it, but if I feel they are wrong, I will debate it in a passive aggressive manner. It also depends on who's making the observation, and if its laced with sarcasim or meant to get me to do something I don't want to do. People sometime use crititism as a tool to achieve a goal.
Wife walks into a work room in the cellar
Wife : your Lazy, you know that, you never clean (venting)
Husband : why do you say that (hurt)
Wife : because this room has been a mess forever (justifing)
Husband : I like it this way (defensive)
Wife : see, that's what just proves my point, thats a lazy answer. (guilt tool)
Husband : would you just let me be (pleading)
Wife : I can't believe you and leaves the room shaking her head (winner wife)
Husband : cleans room feeling bad about himself.
NOW PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE, BUT RATIONAL
Wife walks into a work room in the cellar
Wife : your lazy, You know that, you never clean (venting)
Husband : is quiet and thinks its through, is there truth in the statement. (Validating)
Wife : If you would just pick up some of it I will be happy (bating)
Husband : Hmmm, why do you say that? (challenging)
Wife : Because this room is a mess (making a point)
Husband : But the lawn is cut, and I am tired, I have achieved more than
I expected for today, its enough for me, now im going to enjoy my day. (making his point)
Wife : Because you mowed the lawn you don't have to do anything else today? (still bating)
Husband : actually yes, thats about what I was thinking.
Wife : the least you can do is pick up this one room, before you put your feet up for the rest of your day. (still trying)
Husband : I'll considerate it, after I have rested a bit (bargaining, trying to find a middle ground)
Wife : leaves not quite feeling sure about that argument, (winner husband)
Husband : Enjoys his day, and makes plans to clean the room Latter or possibly tomorrow, feeling good about what he has already achieved(relaxes)
You see some people can use critism as a tool, exspecially the ones you love and not even know they are doing it.
Finally the Painful truth
Wife walks into the work room in the cellar
Wife : you lazy, you know that, you never clean (venting)
Husband : Thinks it through, "why do you say that?"
Wife : because you have been home all week and the only help
you have given me is to stay out of my way. I cleaned this room yesterday, yet
you have crumbs everywhere, and all the cushions are all over the floor playing
station for the last eight hours.
Husband : see's her point "your right, I bet that bothered you allot"
Wife : it did, she says softer, I just want a little help
Husband : I think I can do that, husband gets up and drums up some energy to to help out (Winner both)
it all depends if the Critism is valid, its up to you to figure that out. but be fair and honest with yourself.
Dave2u4now38432.793275463
when people tell me I am lazy, I ussually lay down and start watching tv.
When I was younger, I used to cry. As I got older, I got mad. Now I combine both, by being both hurt and angry.
None of these things helped me get off my ass and do anything right.
When you hear something over and over and over, you can't help but start to believe it. I'm still working on trying to accept constructive criticism. It's hard.
that was a good observation dave... I guess I am thinking too much about what I was recently told about my mother
.....no need to mention, but ouch! still hurts.... I never spoke back to any coments until yersterday..
Wife =your lazy, dont pick up after yourself and that being so tired you are like a zombie in midafternoon some days unless you lay down for 20 minutes is getting old and I am tired of never having money
Husband= I drive 75mi each way to work and work 6 days a week and support you and your 3 children from a previous marriage and you call em lazy and don't like our lfestyle...yet, you work 4 hrs a day 9 mo a yr and couldnt be bothered to even file for unemployment for the 50 bucks a week you'd get while layed off foor the summer?????? ( inner voice= it's time to call a Lawyer I know she's got her back burner Man all lined up already he cllas enough)
the end result was a very happily divorced Man with lots of extra cash
I generally get very defensive when intially critisized nd can be hyper sensitive about it. Being aware of that really helps. I really try not to respond till I have thought about what was said and tried to look at it honestly. If I do that I am much better at either disregarding what is someone elses selfish or incorrect view of a situation or smiling and not responding to someone whoose taking their bad day out on me. It's generally not worth responding too if I think it's misplaced/inaccurate critism unless it's a close relationship then I try to be tactful and point out a situation from my viewpoint or a detached one. Most of the time I am critisized there is at least a grain of truth to it and I try to own it internally and apologize for any damage my behavior or actions mave of caused.
Whayt I really, really try to do is NOT critisize others. My snap judgements can lead to snappy things coming out of my mouth which would of been far better left just thought rather than said. I have apologized far more times for critisizing others wrongly or hastily than I'd care to admit. The whole speak first think later lifestyle 
has left me feeling crappy about myself for how I have talked to others far more often than feeling crappy about how others talk to me. Self awareness of it is a wonderful gift and has been a powerful motivational tool to change the behavior.
SHOTGUN!!!!!
How I deal with criticism is very different from when I was younger, and there's a story to it as well I guess.
When I was younger, my family was used to me being hyper and goofy. However there were many times that it just pissed them off. I guess I'll start from the time I was starting theraphy and medication for my ADD/ADHD, third or fourth grade. As usual, I was in school as a quiet child and calm, I had very few friends. However, I had sensory issues in school but I kept thinking "not to stim myself like crazy while at school, leave that kind of stuff for home only, where it's safe". So, when I came home I was like a tornado, rocking insanely from that couches, yelling, screaming, making noises. Anyway, the first people who would witness this were my older brother and my younger sister. My older brother would get very angry and send me to my room just for easy punishment. The criticism mainly came from my younger sister, she was a severly aggressive child, and she knew that the fact that I was slow and had other learning problems, so out of the blue she starts calling me these rude harsh names such as "retard", "dumbass" and all of these other names. As for my father, he was another story, my father was very supportive in me academically and whenever it came to my asthma, but when it came to my other problems he was trying to be more realistic. Saying, "Get off your fat lazy ass and do...such and such.." (and I was a pleasently plump child at the time) Also, when it came to my theraphy sessions, he'd rather not attend for he and his background of his family that he came from did not believe in theraphy. I still get criticism from my younger sister today, she still calls me the names however, I ignore her. But still, inside it hurts. That's why I go to my psychologist or psychiatrist and rant and rave to them about my problems, or I just ramble to my mom whom I live with. And yes, sometimes she criticizes me for what I do as well. However, the person that I am today, I can take criticism pretty well. I think I have grown into a much stronger person due to all of the criticism that has come and gone into my life. And anymore that I get just makes me even stronger.
i think about it, then get inspired to do something about it, then naturally can't seem to get anything done..rather depressing actually
I still feel like crying when critisized. but, I suck it up and go on...
If i know the criticism is warranted, I also get angry at myself for being such a bonehead.
I tend to take things waaaaaaayyyyy too personally so I try to not let those emotions out... later on, I go vent to about 20 different people!!! 
It takes at least that many times telling the story to get it out of my system..
Sherry
sherry, i do the same thing too !!!
I used to take criticism WAY too personally. Now I just tell them to F*CK OFF (either verbally or just in my head). Criticism usually says more about that person's need to criticize than it does about any of my 'faults'. i am my own best critic so if someone turns round and says that's sh*te -
it's highly unlikely i wouldn't have said it to myself already... so i am more
likely to go 'i know'.
if they go - you never get around to doing things i tend to go 'i know'
but telling me is not particularly constructive cos I KNOW ALREADY!!!!!!!
give me some constructive coping mechanisms - i'll try 'em/help me out
- i'm grateful. just telling me does what exactly? you think i don't know
my own personality faults after 34 years of living with the dmn things???
shout at me - and i'll be calm unless you really, really, really wind me up
and then i'll shout right back and likely say plenty of things that are liable
to be very painful for you.
then i feel terrible. and guilty. and bad. and wish i hadn't done it.
Criticism is painful if it is directed at YOU as in someone hasn't
understood your motivations because i tend to try to do the right thing - i
just often f**k up through distraction/faulty memory. and i am the first
to apologise if i do - but it was never deliberate and if someone accuses
me of doing it deliberately - no.
what i can't bear - is someone accusing me of something that i am NOT
guilty of. if it is justified - i can take it. if it is totally off - i can't take it.
i'll fight and shout and swear until i am blue in the face.
talking about justice ---- what does everyone think of Judge Roberts, eh?
i can't work him out at all......
[QUOTE=paritthead]I used to take criticism WAY too personally. Now I just tell them to F*CK OFF (either verbally or just in my head). Criticism usually says more about that person's need to criticize than it does about any of my 'faults'. [/QUOTE]
you hit that bullseye....it is exactly what i do too.
first of all, i look like a big bruiser, so it takes some cojones to crticise me to my face.
but, as said above, if i got it coming, i'm already there. there is little you can tell me that i don't already see and have probably raked myself over the coals for.
the absolute worst thing to do to me is to make your point, and not stop making it. i probably didn't need to hear it the first time, and every subsequent reiteration gets you closer to flossing your teeth with my knuckles. (just a figure of speech!)
believe me, i'm critical of myself enough after years of exasperative efforts turning to crap before my eyes.
btw- does anyone else use/make-up phrases to illustrate a point, and just baffle the audience?
a contractor was describing a way he thought we could solve some problem or other. i thought it was a silly way to fix it by doing the work in a crappy way, and the doing something equally as silly to disguise the stupid way the thing was done in the first place.
my reply was-" you can polish a turd all day long, but no matter how shiny it gets, it's still a turd." the contractor replied "why would you want to polish a turd?" "exactly" i said.
the problem was, he still had not made the leap from literal to analogous. while his thoughts were filled with poo, i was struggling with the notion he wanted to solve the problem in a sillly way, and then 'polish' it up with an equally silly cover-up. waste of effort and material.
re: future justice roberts:
he was well coached. he did all the 'right' things. he revealed nothing.
i'm hoping the bench will do what it frequently does to people. it makes them thoughtful, and requires them to rise above their petty prejudices. even rehnquist was viewed as more liberal in the end than when he was appointed by nixon.
notice how all the supremes have been branded as far more liberal than they 'should' be?
can anyone explain to me what an 'activist judge' is? or how they 'legislate from the bench'? it seems to me, that their job is to decide the validity/constitutionality of any law, or previous decision that comes before them. in doing so, they define the parameters of the law. it's their job, isn't it? have they ever rewritten one single law? or have they just allowed or disallowed statutes?
i think (but i am not an american so this is just from a little bit of c-spanwatching) that the supreme court has ruled some senate decisions
unconstitutional/unlawful.
i am the last person who is gonna know - i've been in this country a
month or so!
there was something mentioned about a disability bill and another one
about the ten commandments being displayed which was brought up by
one of the senators on the selection committee... and that same senator
did keep re-iterating oh, something about re-writing the laws and that it
was NOT the supreme courts role to do that... but in fact i wasn't quite
listening to all he said and i have a dodgy memory too so....
but yeah, sometimes judge roberts came across as really reasonable and
so perhaps it is all for the best. he can look kinda spooky though....
senator edward kennedy obviously loathes him though! i liked that
senator leahy --- he seemed like a sensible sort of chap. chjones38617.0171527778
was watching bill maher the other night on hbo. he thinks roberts is gay.
he showed a picture of the judge with two of his 'friends' posing with some dish of food, looking as if they had just been made over by the queer eye guys.
i'm not really concerned w/ his orientation, but it is ironic (and funny)the neocons best choice looks like a closet queen!
Run and hide.
[QUOTE=Dave2u4now]
hmmm,
Usually I think it through, If I feel it validated I try to learn from it, but if I feel they are wrong, I will debate it in a passive aggressive manner. It also depends on who's making the observation, and if its laced with sarcasim or meant to get me to do something I don't want to do. People sometime use crititism as a tool to achieve a goal.
Wife walks into a work room in the cellar
Wife : your Lazy, you know that, you never clean (venting)
Husband : why do you say that (hurt)
Wife : because this room has been a mess forever (justifing)
Husband : I like it this way (defensive)
Wife : see, that's what just proves my point, thats a lazy answer. (guilt tool)
Husband : would you just let me be (pleading)
Wife : I can't believe you and leaves the room shaking her head (winner wife)
Husband : cleans room feeling bad about himself.
NOW PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE, BUT RATIONAL
Wife walks into a work room in the cellar
Wife : your lazy, You know that, you never clean (venting)
Husband : is quiet and thinks its through, is there truth in the statement. (Validating)
Wife : If you would just pick up some of it I will be happy (bating)
Husband : Hmmm, why do you say that? (challenging)
Wife : Because this room is a mess (making a point)
Husband : But the lawn is cut, and I am tired, I have achieved more than
I expected for today, its enough for me, now im going to enjoy my day. (making his point)
Wife : Because you mowed the lawn you don't have to do anything else today? (still bating)
Husband : actually yes, thats about what I was thinking.
Wife : the least you can do is pick up this one room, before you put your feet up for the rest of your day. (still trying)
Husband : I'll considerate it, after I have rested a bit (bargaining, trying to find a middle ground)
Wife : leaves not quite feeling sure about that argument, (winner husband)
Husband : Enjoys his day, and makes plans to clean the room Latter or possibly tomorrow, feeling good about what he has already achieved(relaxes)
You see some people can use critism as a tool, exspecially the ones you love and not even know they are doing it.
Finally the Painful truth
Wife walks into the work room in the cellar
Wife : you lazy, you know that, you never clean (venting)
Husband : Thinks it through, "why do you say that?"
Wife : because you have been home all week and the only help
you have given me is to stay out of my way. I cleaned this room yesterday, yet
you have crumbs everywhere, and all the cushions are all over the floor playing
station for the last eight hours.
Husband : see's her point "your right, I bet that bothered you allot"
Wife : it did, she says softer, I just want a little help
Husband : I think I can do that, husband gets up and drums up some energy to to help out (Winner both)
it all depends if the Critism is valid, its up to you to figure that out. but be fair and honest with yourself.
[/QUOTE]
Which one is the right way????