New to board and need help! | ADHD Information

Hi all, I am new to this board and at my wit's end.  I have two boys age 9 and 7 that have ADD and ADHD.  They are both on meds, but my 7 year old is driving me crazy!!!  My 7 year old happens to be my stepson who lives with us and spends every other weekend at his mom and stepdad's.  First off, I love this kid like he was my own, we have been a family with me being his fulltime mom since he was 3 years old.  He was just "diagnosed" with ADHD the summer of 2004, after a horrifying year in kindergarten.  He is the type that without medication he is a "bully" in the extreme.  He has hurt many children in his class, he had even attacked his teacher, gotten sent home from school,  all of it.  After we got him on his meds things changed for the better for the most part.  Sadly, we have had to raise his meds twice, and even with the latest change, we are not doing so well. 

The latest incident was this morning, and I am at a total loss as to what to do.  Apparently he woke up before anyone in the house and decided to pee on the living room floor and not clean it up.  This is the second time he has peed on the floor in our house.  The first time he was 5 years old and his brother was in the bathroom and he didn't ask to use our bathroom, just went into the spare bedroom and peed in a corner.  These were not accidents.  The bathrooms were less than 10 feet away.  We also have 3 bathrooms in our new house.  He also had enough time to pull down his pants to do the deed.  I have never heard of any child doing this!!!  Right now he is in his room.  I know he isn't thinking about what he did, but I had to get him somewhere until I can calm down.  What makes this even more disturbing to me is that I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old that were in the room when or right after he did this.  It was on the floor while they were in the room.  I don't think they were in it, but they were given baths just in case.  Also a little historic point for everyone, my 7 year old has very bad bathroom habits, that I can't get him to change.  Examples: sliding on the toilet seat when he is pooping, not asking for toilet paper and wiping with his hands and then wiping his hands on any surface in the bathroom, missing the toilet and peeing on the floor and walls, not wiping, or using socks or any other clothes or whatever to wipe and leaving it in the bathroom.  No matter how many times I tell him that it can hurt him or his siblings, it hasn't changed.  For this reason, I have one of his chores as cleaning the bathroom.  I have been hoping that if he has to clean the mess, then he will cease making it...not so.  I have though, gotten him to start washing his hands everytime he goes to the bathroom. 

I know I am going on and on.  There is so much more I need to vent.  None of my friends have kids with ADHD or ADD.  There isn't anyone I can talk to, who can understand the stress and frustration I deal with on a daily basis.  Even my husband, he gets to go to work everyday, I stay at home, and am the one to deal with everything at home and at school.  And on top of all that I have clinical depression.  That makes it even harder.  Also, with my 7 year old, he is one that has no natural empathy.  He doesn't seem to feel bad when he hurts something living, be it human or animal.  He only gets upset when he knows he has gotten in trouble.  But when asked if why he knows we are so upset, he doesn't know.  I know this is part of the ADHD, but it is difficult to remember when we are frightened.  And disciplining him is hard, for he forgets why he is or has been disciplined.  We have done everything...but the time outs, taking things away, etc, just don't have an impact on either one of my sons.  They are both in baseball, and it does some good in wearing out my 7 year old where he sleeps better, no night terrors or nightmares after he has practice.  But of course by the time it is time for practice his meds have worn of...he is on the long acting Ritalin 40 mg now.  It actually wears out before he gets out of school at 3 and practice starts at 5.  So anyway, paying attention to the coach is difficult, especially with all those other kids around.  He is such a good kid.  He is super smart and gets straight A's in school, when he finishes his work.  And when we are one on one, he is excellent.  He is one that needs the most reassurance and the most attention.  I feel that this stems from the fact that for the first few years after his mom and dad's divorce that she was not consistently in the picture.  She only visited rarely and broke many plans with him.  It only started being pretty consistent with her taking him every other weekend the middle of his kindergarten year last year.  And even so there are times when she can't take him, or when she does she isn't even home, but at work, and he is with his stepfather or a babysitter on the weekends there.  I think this has a lot to do with the problems we are having.  Not to say that me and my husband are perfect, far from it in fact.  I know there are things that we need to improve here too.  Most of all my depression.  With my depression I am very similar to an adult with ADD.  My temper is very short, my patience is limited, my stress and frustration levels are very high.  And with the fact that I have two babies in diapers.  My attention must be divided between my four children and my 7 year old feels that I and my husband don't spend enough time with him.  My husband works an hour and a half away, so weekdays he gets home usually after 6 or 7 depending. 

Anyway.  I'm sorry this is so long.  Apparently I had to get a lot off my chest.  I need to get even more off, but I won't bore ya'll with the other stuff, that's for my shrink.

Please, if anyone has any suggestions please let me know.  I need all the help I can get!!!

Thanks

It sounds like something is going on with him and I am sure his mother may be part of it.  Could he feel rejected by her?  Is he in counseling?  If not it may help if something more is going on.  I pray things get better for you, Good luck

     It also sounds like you need a break.

I am so surprised that anyone could or would read through that!  Thank you so much for responding...now I don't feel ignored.

I am pretty sure most of his problems stem from his mother leaving him and not seeing him on a consistent basis.  There was a period right before kindergarten started that she didn't call or see him for over a month, this is when we started having major problems in school with hitting and throwing things.  After all this and many visits to the principal..whom I love cause she was just so understanding of everything and did everything to help...his mom finally started getting him every other weekend.  Sadly, she has cancelled a few times and she also works when he is visiting.  I worry that he's afraid his dad might do the same and leave him.  I also think that he has it in his mind that if he behaves well he won't see his mom.  The poor kid is a mess.  He is not in counseling at the moment.  I am currently trying to find someone who is reasonably close by...I don't think I will, since we live out in the country.  We will have to find someone who is available on weekends.  That will be even more difficult.  His mother said that she found a counselor for him, but won't give me an appointment date...honestly, I don't trust her.  We are very worried that she will make this an opportunity to take him from us.  And we really don't feel that this would be best for him, it would only prove that his daddy left him too.  I am not going to let that happen!

As you can see I can go on and on about this.  I need some time to be able to read more of the posts to see what else we can do to help him.  I am just glad that my other son is mainly la la land kid.  It pretty much just takes him forever to get something done cause everything distracts him!  But we don't have the hyperactivity.  They are such great kids and soo smart!  I hate getting angy at them for things that can be out of their control..although I do know that some things that they do they are just being boys, it's not always easy to tell the difference!  We are racked with guilt and question our parenting abilities.  I'm just glad I found a place I can talk to other parents that know what we are going through, and a place where I can get advice that might actually work for my kids.

Thanks

Your step-son sounds like he is really hurting and doesn't know how to express himself. The lack of empathy and control issues with the bathroom NEED to be addressed with a professional. I know how difficult it is be understanding with this. I, too, am a stay-at-home mom to our 16mth-old daughter and partly to my husbands 6yr-old daughter. He has joint custody with his ex-wife. She is very unstructured and lets her run the house and do whatever she feels like. I am the one who has to deal with her the majority of the time (my husband works and the ex has her in day-care). It is so frustrating to be the "mean" one. I love her like my own, but is a different kind of love. Especially, when most of your time is consumed with problem managment. I want so much to just sit around and love on her, but I am the only one who cares enough to set limits and follow through. I keep telling myself that I am the one who can and will save this child, but it is tough. I suppose that is true parenting.  

stepmom2maddy38438.4776967593

Oh my! I am sorry. You seem to be carrying a large load. I think individual and family counseling are priority. Seems to me like your step son is having a hard time showing his real emotions. What scares me the most about this is the animal cruelty you described...

I feel for you.  Before my husband and I met, my stepson's life was very unstructured.  He went to bed whenever, I mean it was crazy!  Then in comes mean old step mom.  All of a sudden he was put in time out, had to go to bed at the same time every night, couldn't eat whatever, whenever, couldn't watch whatever, whenever, etc. But I do love him, and I know that he wants to do good.  It is hard to be the mean one.  His mom is the same, she lets him do whatever, and since she only takes him every other weekend, it is party time at her house, they have lots of fun, Sea World, Putt-Putt, etc, while we can't actually afford to do that with four kids.  We live out in the country far from civilization, so we fish, play ball, etc.  But I also have to divide my time an attention to three other kids, plus find time for my hubby too!  I also have to find the extra energy and interest to do some of these things. 

I know that we will be rewarded.  We just have to get through all of this, and try not to ruin the kids in the process.  I really never thought being a step parent would be so difficult, and it's not, but boy would I love to be able to take the kids to Sea World and just have some fun!  Sadly, the older boys so feed off of each other, even when they are on their meds, that it's a struggle going to the grocery store or anywhere for that matter.  And God forbid there be any other children around!

This weekend he spent with his mom.  He got caught stealing girl scout cookies from his neighbor.  This is the third time that he has stolen something while with his mom.  He has never done it here.  I told her the next time he does it in the store, that she needs to let them call the police and put a scare in him.  I know when I was his age and stole some stuff out of the store, they called the cops, and my mom spanked me good, I didn't do it again!  But anyway, this is telling us something, plus the fact that his major behavioral problems surface right before his weekends with his mom...

And you are right, this is true parenting, taking the good and the bad...we as parents have to understand that we can't be their buddies and pals...we are their parents and it is up to us to turn them into great adults!  We can't do that by feeling guilt when we set down rules and make the follow them, or punish them when they don't.  It's hard, and it took me being a parent to understand that.  Didn't most of us say we weren't going to be like our parents cause they were too strict or whatever??? I did.  And I am doing the same as my parents.  They have chores and the whole nine yards just like me!  We'll get through this, with a lot of bump, bruises and tears, but hopefully with a lot of smiles and hugs and much gratification in the end.

As you can probably tell this has been an up day for me.  I got to share the kids with family today!!  And I got to go out on a girl's night with my sister on Friday.  Let's hear it for girls' night out!  Does wonders once every few months!

Mom_of_4:

I think that you should get your 7 year old into counseling, PRONTO.  This sounds like major conduct disorder, so you have comorbid behavioral issues.  Coduct disorder can morph into criminalistic tendencies if left untreated, so talk to your pediatrician about a referral to a good psychiatrist (since he's already on meds) rather than a psychologist.

PS: I just realized that sounded very clinical, so I'll admit to having an degree in Criminology and Deviant Behavior. 

 

Mom_of_4:  Have you looked into Conduct Disorder?  I have a friend who thought her son had ADHD but after looking further into the behaviors - found he actually had Conduct Disorder.  From what she said, it is often times overlooked because of the ADHD diagnosis.  I have read that adhd and other disorders go together. Does your doctor know about what he is doing?  I bet he would put your son in counseling and they would help you cope to. Just remember you are not alone we all go through tough time. I also have three kids with adhd but they are older.