I know sometimes is difficult to understand a child's ADHD behavior. This is a letter I wrote a long time ago for personal use and venting. If any one feels like reading 1 1/2 pages, it can maybe help to understand ADHD behavior from a child's eyes.
Ivette
Why I am Stupid?
My mother was never able to understand my constant internal struggles to behave “normal”. As a child, she will become frustrated and shout at or speak firmly to me in reproach. I guess, for most people, is difficult to understand the notion of constant absentmindedness. A life with ADHD is like acting in a story full of gaps. Hypothetically, imagine yourself constantly accused of acts you never committed, critically castigated for not following orders you were never given, forced to admit to lying when telling the truth, mandated to confess guiltiness without given a change to argue innocence, continuously trying and failing.
As a child, my mother’s frustration and reproaches used to drive me into a state of mental confusion where frantic feelings ruled: denial (mommy, but, I don’t remember doing that, I really don’t), anger (Stop! Stop! you don’t understand me), sadness (you don’t love me! ), and avoidance (I can’t handle the pain anymore). Sadly, I was never able to verbally express my true feelings, and the few times I did, I was remained that “not remembering” “was not an excuse”.
The truth is that my brain can only effectively handle one emotion and one thought at a time. Loud, rapid talk, reproach, and ultimatums to perform tasks “now!” only create anxiety and mental confusion as I tried to rapidly store multiple amounts of information in my brain simultaneously causing an emotional brake down. Rather than obeying, I would lay down to watch TV, go out to play, or acted other displays of defiance. In the end, I was forced to agree to never do it again, but how can someone agree to something one has not control over.
Attention Deficit Disorder is a factual mental impairment, not a habit that be turned on and off as a light switch. As a later learned, ADHD can result from unusual electric activity in the brain’s fontal cortex. I can only explain this as an illustration of someone imputing information into their computer’s hard drive and not saving it; the computer suddenly shuts down and all their work is forever lost. For us, our computers (our brains) are not fast enough to save information and are constantly shutting down and losing information.
My mother still does not recognize my disorder as factual, and powerfully believes herself to have been a great mother. She was not physically or verbally abusive; In fact, she was very generous towards me when it came to monetary help and other types of support. By most of the world’s standards, she was a good mother, so as long as I acted according to her standards and never used my disability as “an excuse”.
Most people don’t understand that there are many ways to hurt and destroy a child’s life. A parent’s indifference and inability to understand and truly accept his/her child’s mental uniqueness can cut through like a sharp knife. For us, forgetting is a reality and our struggle, not a quick excuse out of troubles. It is difficult enough to live in a world were most individuals improperly associate mental disorders and learning disabilities with lower intelligence.
“Please God, make me smart. Help me remember”.
Thank you for reposting your letter. This is how I feel towards my 14yr old daughter. I easily get upset with her.I just recently came to the conclusion that she has no control over what she can remember. She was on Adderal for 1 1/2 yrs and they had to take her off due to complications. Her doctor put her on Strattera for 1yr. It worked for a while. They kept increasing her doses but it didn`t help. Since she started school she hasn`t been on any medication. She brought home her report card today. I told her I wouldn`t get upset. She failed math and science. She does very well in lang/english and social. Her teacher said she forgets to turn in assignments. She forgot to turn in a math folder for a grade. I found it in her room. She said she thought she turned it in. How can I get upset with her if I really don`t know if she`s doing it on purpose? I can see her fustration. I now tell her not to worry. We are seeing a new psychologist next month. I told her I support her and will do everything to help her. Thank you .Thank you so much for putting into words the exact struggle that my 9 year old son and I have been having for the last 3 months. He was assessed with ADD in Dec., and I have decided not to put him on medication yet as there seems to be a 50/50 split on whether it does more harm than good. We are trying to get along without meds. and the going has been frustrating. I see myself as the Mom in you letter, although I do believe in the assement. What I see is my inability to constantly remember that he has this problem. I have to work alot harder on that and ease up on him. I keep asking him to try to do his best in school, understanding his limitations, but frustrated when the simplest instructions seem to be the hardest for him to accomplish. Your letter has given me some insight as to how his brain is functioning and I now better understand how I should and should not (more importantly) be reacting. You have no idea how much of a help this will be to me. Thanks again.
I am so glad to I came to this website and read your posting. I am afraid that my husband and I have told my child on several occations that saying "I forgot" was not an excuse. This will make me remember not to hold my daughter to my standards but make new ones for her.
Thanks,
Marisa Keller
colorado
I am so glad that at least in some small way I could help you understand our special circumstances. I know how difficult it is for you to deal with someone with such a debilitating disorder. As a mother of a daughter with ADHD, a psychiatry student, and a member of a family rich in mental disabilities, I find it a pleasure to be able to help others.
In the process of learning to understant your children you are also learning and growing as individuals. Do not allow ADHD give way to Depression: a more serious condition.
I wish you all the best in life.
Ivette Harvey (ivil_Ivette)
Ivette,Thank you for sharing. It it extremely helpful to hear these things.
I know that I often struggle to understand what my 12 year old son is thinking - especially when I send him upstairs to get his shoes on and he comes back 10 minutes later with his jacket! I love that kid so much - I never ever want him to feel that I'm not even trying to understand him. Unfortunately, I see that look in his eyes sometimes anyway. We are struggling to communicate properly, but we both know that we are working on it. Sometimes, when the frustration builds, I look at him, give him a smile, and take a really deep breath. Then he knows that I'm working on it, and he tries harder, too.
Question: Did you or do you feel that 'race cars' are going on inside your head and even sometimes crashing and that's why you don't 'listen' or behave the way 'teachers' wanted you to? Pleaseeeee respond.
[QUOTE=i_am_pauls_mom]Question: Did you or do you feel that 'race cars' are going on inside your head and even sometimes crashing and that's why you don't 'listen' or behave the way 'teachers' wanted you to? Pleaseeeee respond.[/QUOTE]
Sorry I haven't responded to the messages that much lately. I am sort of in a hurry right now, but I promise I'll be back to answer your question.
Ivette...your post was brilliant and very educational. The best gift a person can give a parent of a child with ADHD is the gift of knowledge. Thank you so much for sharing.
Ivil_Ivette Thanks so much for that letter of insight. It sounds like my 7 year old wrote it herself. she has a moderate to severe case of adhd and i could see myself in your letter,although not as hard. we (my dad and i)constantly struggle with the poor child because she does things and i just wonder if she even realizes what she has done is wrong.I will have my dad read your letter so he can also keep in mind, that my little girl just cannot recall what she is doing. Thank you so much for the insight.
Ivil_Ivette Thanks so much for that letter of insight. It sounds like my 7 year old wrote it herself. she has a moderate to severe case of adhd and i could see myself in your letter,although not as hard. we (my dad and i)constantly struggle with the poor child because she does things and i just wonder if she even realizes what she has done is wrong.I will have my dad read your letter so he can also keep in mind, that my little girl just cannot recall what she is doing. Thank you so much for the insight.
[QUOTE=i_am_pauls_mom]Question: Did you or do you feel that 'race cars' are going on inside your head and even sometimes crashing and that's why you don't 'listen' or behave the way 'teachers' wanted you to? Pleaseeeee respond.[/QUOTE]
Yes, that is because you have difficulty concentrating on multiple thoughts. In an ADD/ADHD mind, multiple demands or reproaches can send internal brain electrical activity into caos. Most of us do not have proper functioning of our frontal lobes, which help most people pay attention, focus concentrate, decide, regulate their short and long term memory and behavior. Electrical activity in our frontal lobes is very slow. The teachers' attitude towards a child with ADD/ADHD can also worsen the situation because many are not given the necessary training to properly interact with children that suffer from obvious learning disabilities: "what is wrong with you!! I told you to stay still!!! do not do that!!! what is wrong with you?!!! why won't you listen?!!!"
I'm keeping this, printing it out with your name to it, and hanging it up. I'm also printing out a few copies for certain staff members at the elementary school and some teachers I know who do the best they can to meet their teaching deadlines while also being human may feel overwhelmed at times but with great intentions.
Send a copy of your letter with your name on it to the Library of Congress, along with anything else you have written as you are truly a talented writer. You can do a batch submission and even over the Internet. I think the fee is $25.00 for a whole batch or for just one but this is very powerful to read.
I want their her theropist to have a copy of it too, as he would appreciate this. He'll probably hang it on his wall.
I'll wait a week before doing so and even if someone did try to take it and use it in a publishing of their own, having it logged here is legal proof it was yours too but this is a pretty powerful cluster of words and paragraghs.
I also plan on giving a copy to some relatives.
Thank you for sharing.
[QUOTE=goldenmoment]This is one of the more insightful, meaningful, touching, and important "letters" I've read in a long time.
.[/QUOTE]
Thank you so much for your compliments. As for my letter, in reality I do not worry about some else using as a form of plagiarism. I posted it here with the hope that the information would help parents understand their children’s disability more deeply. Wherever this letter ends up, as long as it serves a positive purpose and is not used for selfish financial gain, I am happy.
Ivette
I could not log on under Ivil_ivette due to website problems
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