Ashamed | ADHD Information

I guess it is just my personality but I never felt ashamed.  My feeling was more of an this is who I am, take it or leave it.  I have never apologized for who I am.  I do get frustrated with myself but I don't allow others to criticize me.  This is good in some ways because my self esteem is just fine but I know that I piss people off sometimes.  Better that than grovel I say.  Interstingly my medication has made me more open to accepting others imperfections. Oh man, I almost would laugh at how similar my own notes to myself are, except for the fact that your mom is so unable to understand. 'm sorry about that, but you're a normal ADHDer, we all have to use those kinds of "tools" to help us out.



I went through the same feeling of shame and embarassment at having to leave myself instructions around the house. But, after visting other people's homes who dont have adhd and seeing similar notes all over the place, I'm getting over it!

I recognize that the notes have made me that much more functional and less stressed out. I've lost that constantly nagging anxious feeling of "what did I miss? Did I leave the stove on? Where are my keys?"

My thought is, if there are people you dont feel like sharing your add with, take the notes down for the duration of their visit, and repost them. I hide my checklist (I keep everything in a notebook) when my parents come to town, then pop it right back out. I leave my calendar up and my keys in their spot by the door and no one is the wiser.

GYPSYWOMAN WROTE:[QUOTE]
Is it just because I'm so elated to have met all these great people who are just like me? And to whom I relate so well? [/QUOTE]


**********************************************

Amen to that one! Here, I feel like ET after he phoned home!!

It's so nice to know that there are so many who truly do relate and completely understand. We're not pigs, we're just messy. It's not because we're lazy like some think. Sheesh! and we're certainly not stupid!

It's rather refreshing to just kick off my shoes and enjoy the company, completely, differences and all.goldenmoment38460.7347569444 [QUOTE=scarygreengiant] [QUOTE=goldenmoment]You know, many with ADHD are elevated IQs but darn
it if we can't focus enough to shine, shine, shine, but it's there and
we're a funner and cool group. We're creative and talented in many
ways. We learn to over come and adapt or just be human.

I like to think of us as an elite smart group of cool and
intelligent interesting people that's not as snotty as M.E.N.S.A. (the
other smart group)[/QUOTE]

Look at what I found on the MENSA website.

They have a SIG group for MENSA members who are interested in AD/HD. The description on the website says:

"Attention Deficit Disorder: What
happens when someone has both a high IQ AND attention deficit disorder?
What if one or both go undiagnosed? There are many geniuses who are
lost, both to themselves and to society, because the combined effects
of high IQ and A.D.D. are not fully understood."
http://www.us.mensa.org/activities/siglist_public.php
[/QUOTE]





See, we're all a bunch of smarty pants, and everyone thought we were just smart mouths!    goldenmoment38460.7331597222I'm only gonna say this once and I'm not gonna say it again...NEVER BE ASHAMED!

:)

Life in 2005 is complicated enough...there are plenty of non-ADD/ADHD diagnosed people who use lists religiously.  Unfortunately, I have a pentiant for making lists...of lists...but that's another story!

I had a marriage counselor (yet another story...) recommend using objects/symbols for things you must remember, regardless of how wacky it looked in your mind (for me, it was the morning ritual).

For example...if I need to remember my laptop computer, parking $ for the train station, and money for lunch at work, my "image" would be that of a computer (my laptop) towing my car (parking $), with a pizza at the wheel (lunch $).  As silly as this sounds, it worked! 

I'M JEALOUS OF YOU ALL FOR BEING ABLE TO USE LISTS!!  THEY ARE USELESS TO ME...i wish i could use them...

1)Ok, first of all, I can never remember to make a list.  ever. I move to fast for that.

2)When I do remember to make a list, I forget what to write on it....

3)If i make it this far, I LOSE the list. OR

4)i forget to take the list with me.

5) forget during the course of the day that I even made a list in the first place...usually remember the list a week later when I see it laying on the floor at a time when it doesn't matter anymore...

5)POST IT NOTES? FORGET IT....i don't notice my surroundings at home. MY MOM HAS STUCK POST IT NOTES ON THE BATHROOM MIRROR for me, and I will BRUSH MY TEETH, DO MY HAIR, and be all up in the mirror and NEVER EVEN NOTICE IT....and she is like..didn't you get my note? and i'm like, what note? and she is all like, the one on the mirror!  you did your hair! i know you were in the mirror! how could you not see my note??...and i'm like....i dunno...<shrug>

BE PROUD! YOU HAVE FOUND A METHOD THAT WORKS FOR YOU! NOT ALL OF US HAVE FOUND SUCH EFFECTIVE METHODS, AND ARE STILL SEARCHING.....

I know some of us have used this site and it is a good reminder for things we forget daily  www.flylady.net

Sandra
[QUOTE=MicheleRW222]...I'm one of the odd ducks who is pretty proud of my ADD.  I'm so happy that all the things that depressed me before are making sense to me now.  I'm sure I've had more than a few people think I'm a dingbat, even though I'm really not.  It's nice to know now that there is an explanation for it.[/QUOTE]

I, too, Michele, am proud of my ADHD. As you say, it is a relief to know there's an explanation for our entire life "before diagnosis"! And hopefully will allow me to improve the quality of my life from here on.

There are only a couple of my friends I've mentioned my ADHD to, and they have not commented at all. I hope that doesn't mean they think it's a bunch of hooey. I'd rather they made a joke about it, than say nothing at all. You know what I mean?

There's one thing that still confuses me, tho not related to this topic. Although I cannot focus on reading a book, instructions, or doing what needs to be done around my home, I have no problem, except maybe once in a great while, reading all our posts. Is this what they call hyperfocusing? Is it just because I'm so elated to have met all these great people who are just like me? And to whom I relate so well?

I cannot go without lists and notes.  I have always had to do this to even function.  I have a fear of forgetting things (appts. or important things) so I've always found the notes a tremendous help.  I think your doctors suggestions seem great, and these things will make your life a whole lot easier.  I actually hung a small nail right inside my door, and I always put my keys on that.  I have really had to learn to put things back in the same spot over and over again to help me stay ahead of things. 

I'm one of the odd ducks who is pretty proud of my ADD.  I'm so happy that all the things that depressed me before are making sense to me now.  I'm sure I've had more than a few people think I'm a dingbat, even though I'm really not.  It's nice to know now that there is an explanation for it.

I wish I had people around me like this. Every single person in my life says ADD/ADHD is all in my head and nothing is wrong with me. They keep saying its not a real disorder. I am frustrated to no end. When I make a conscious attempt to do work I hate I always end up tapping my foot, rocking or staring off into space. Then of course someone walks by and gives me that "retard" look. This stuff takes a toll on my mood. When I blurt things that pop in my head for no reason they of course roll their eyes and walk away saying things like "ooooooookaaaaay". GRRRR!!

Thank God for you counsler for speaking up he is so right, no you wouldnt feel ashamed for being in a wheelchair or something else so why on earth should you feel ashamed of placing notes here and there.

Im 44 and have ADHD jsut got test here back in November but should of done this back when I was at home and growing up but back then it just wastnt heard of that much like it is now days.

For me even being 44, married to my hubby for 23 years and we have 4 sons (22,21,19,17) I would never dare say anything like this to even our sons. You are who you are and God created you and ya know what, with the ADHD and all my major testing I just completed here last month Im not ashamed at all. Why should I be?

Stand up for yourself and keep living off of your notes. One day things will fall into place for you for getting a little more organized in certain areas. Im totally and have always been a very organized person and of course the advantage of living in a small rural community of 1,200 only we have never taken our keys out of our vehicles on our farm or even in our small town when I go in or even when I grew up and went to our small school and I drove the keys just stay right in the ignition, I do find myself sometimes when I go down to a larger town from us for major shopping at Target, Walmart and so on that I have gone into the mall or where ever and come back out and there my keys are in my ignition. We do take them and lock our vehicles there but here at home and around we just dont have any problems with that. Maybe get a keyrack and place right by your door so that when you open up your door to go into your house or leave there are your keys in the same place all the time.

Now, for notes around here and there, I live by my calander and I live by stickies all over my house and even our boys use them and leave notes here and there for messages and things that they even need to get done on the farm each day or with there cattle or somethinglike that. There is no big problem with notes.

Maybe make you a list of things to do each day and make the list small to start out with and hang on our fridge and cross them off as you get them completed. What is wrong with this?? Nothing this is what I do each day and I usually  have a long list here of things that need to get done around house, outside and what not but for me by crossing them off and I see it right there on the fridge haning I know what needs to get done.

"Dont sweat the small stuff life is to short",  so just enjoy it and dont worry what the other person is ever thinking. I have always told my friends that with raising all boys and living on a farm there is going to be from grease marks, to fingerprints and foot prints in my kitchen is all the further they can all go with muddy, manure boots on but one day I wont have that to clean up after so this is part of my life now and will be for many more years.

Just remember dont let your mom get you down over this NO ONE is perfect on earth and we all have our little flaws here and there but that is what God wanted us to be like. So just be yourself and try to accomplish a few things each day.

My issues of ADHD deal with attending online and on campus college now for a degree to finally do something for myself after pretty much done here soon raising our sons and being home for them all these year. I just cant focus, concentrate, comprehend what the teacher says or lectures on or when I read that is just terriable , I read and then my hubby will say what was that about and I have no clue at all. So, Im just praying and hoping that one med here soon will work for me  as I have tried now 5 I think it is and nothing.. even in church I cant focus anyone makes a noise and with all there Im just looking here and there and all around so this is why I need to find something for me to pay attention..ughh

DJT

Sorry this got long..

luv2farmnd38443.0111805556I think it's a great idea. It's a parents job to love you and accept you. If this is helping you, and you explain this, they should be supportive:)

I went to my counselor and we were talking about the issues of organization. As hard as I try, I can't get organized for the life of me. When I am looking for something, I find something else then something else and before you know it my house is like a tornado hit it. Then I forgot to do the laundy, dishes and of course eat. And then I forget to put the clothes in the laundry machine or I start the dishes and forget to finish them.  Oops, I am late for work. Can't find my keys, purse or cell phone. So my counselor told me to keep a note right on the door saying: 1. Put Keys in Basket            2. Put Cell Phone on Charger       3. Hang Purse on the hook

so I said to him that sounds great until my mom comes over and asks me why I have that silly note on my door and how come I can't remember to do silly things like that.

I am so ashamed to have to remind myself to do daily chores like that. I am embarassed. But my counselor says, if you were in a wheel chair would you be embarassed to use a ramp to get into your house. He said the note is your ramp and you have an invisable disability and if people are critizing you tell them not to visit you.

Does anybody feel ashamed?

 

 

gettingagrip--I'm like you.

Listen, your mom is a part of why your self esteem is not as good as it should be.

You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. I live by notes and post its and so what! Your mom is not supportive or probably even educated enough about it. I know it's hard when it's "mom" but so what. My mom has ADD/ADHD and in her days, nobody knew what it was so she ended up often drinking way too much in evenings. She added a lot of crap to the upbringing but you have to really know that what counts is how YOU feel about you, not other's. When you feel down in the dumpsters do all you can to remind yourself of anything you've achieved on your own or on a good time you had with someone. Or, pretend she's not really your mom but some neighbor lady that is not right in her head that comes by once in a while then goes away.

In fact, I'd have "Post-it's" on my forehead if they would stay and I often need "Post-its" for my "Post-it's" but so what and who cares?!! Put them all over where they will be seen all over, on frig door, on front door, on bathroom mirror, on bedroom doors, on tv screen, etc..

I wonder if the person who invented POST ITs had ADHD too?goldenmoment38459.0010763889

I am a case manager and do not had ADD but live with two who do and I have sticky reminders all over my desk to remind me of what paperwork needs to be done as well as a list of whom to call and some days get confusing.  I get all set to do what is on the list then a crisis call comes in or my supervisor needs something ridiculus then the list goes to pot.  By the way co-workers do the same so definetly never be embarrassed.

     My husband LSD4165 Works nights and does not use sticky notes he uses me.  I call him to wake him (he has a hard time) once he is awake I tell him what he needs to do and where to find what he needs.  I am gratful for my cell phone and that my job I am independent.  My husband is gratful too.

You know, many with ADHD are elevated IQs but darn it if we can't focus enough to shine, shine, shine, but it's there and we're a funner and cool group. We're creative and talented in many ways. We learn to over come and adapt or just be human.

I like to think of us as an elite smart group of cool and intelligent interesting people that's not as snotty as M.E.N.S.A. (the other smart group) [QUOTE=goldenmoment]You know, many with ADHD are elevated IQs but darn it if we can't focus enough to shine, shine, shine, but it's there and we're a funner and cool group. We're creative and talented in many ways. We learn to over come and adapt or just be human.

I like to think of us as an elite smart group of cool and intelligent interesting people that's not as snotty as M.E.N.S.A. (the other smart group)[/QUOTE]

Look at what I found on the MENSA website.

They have a SIG group for MENSA members who are interested in AD/HD. The description on the website says:

"Attention Deficit Disorder:  What happens when someone has both a high IQ AND attention deficit disorder? What if one or both go undiagnosed? There are many geniuses who are lost, both to themselves and to society, because the combined effects of high IQ and A.D.D. are not fully understood."
http://www.us.mensa.org/activities/siglist_public.php
Thank you for the web site. I will check it out.Lotanez...FlyLady is a good site, but I recommend not 'joining the membership' unless you want to get a zillion emails a day!    And you will. I just use the site without joining...and it still works.

Good luck!

Thanks Sonya! Your post makes me feel much better.

No, I don't think I'm stuck up at all, but I don't see my cousins very often, so when I tell them about something fun and exciting I am doing, maybe they think I am big noting myself. I get so happy that I am doing something at all I want to tell people about it. I should learn to shut up I suppose.

But then again, I am often very shy around new people, and that makes them think I am stuck up too.

They should see my desk...post it notes practically growing branches.

heheheh....

I post my reminders on the bathroom mirror or toilet lid--I figure I
usually have to visit the bathroom at least ONCE a day!

The other trick is to put the reminder on my car keys that ALWAYS--ok
usually--are hanging in the same place.

Other good places are steering wheel of car and on the alarm clock.

Good luck! Post-it notes and kitchen timers are to ADHDers as Duct Tape
and baling wire is to MacGyver!

Oh nooo!

I just found out from my mum that some of my family think I am stuck up because sometimes I talk as if I'm saying how great I am! I would sometimes talk about an project I was involved in and say how I was excited about it and thought i could do a great job at it.

It's not because I am stuck up, but because I had such bad self esteem and sense of doubt in my ability to do a good job at anything. I was simply trying to encourage myself. I was saying 'wow, I think I could do this pretty well, despite being such a general failure at being organised and completing tasks'

It's tough coming from a family of self-depreciators when you have ADD.

I get that all the time.  People think I'm stuck up.  It's because I have such poor people skills that I just avoid everyone out of fear that I will say something utterly ridiculous, and put my foot in my mouth..so I stay away. (I have slight social anxiety)

but my family knows I'm not stuck up.  I'm not sure what to tell you to do on this.  You don't sound stuck up to me.....

Knowing me, I would ignore them, but then again, that could make you look even more stuck up.

I would say, be yourself and don't worry about what other people think of you.

i use notes a lot. problem is i can't seem to keep them all in one place, or for that matter a place i can find them again.(well before it's too late anyway).

i picked up these little notebooks, that are about 2-1/2" x 3-1/2" and staple bound. i do my best to always have it in my pocket. now if i could remember to write everything down, and to read my notes i'd be saved. mostly. i use a lot of tools and parts

i do feel ashamed somewhat. i have only told a few people. not my friends, co-workers, or even my kids. i told my mom though i'm not sure if it was a good move. she's always been aware of my difficulties, but never especially understanding about it.

most of my shame i believe comes from getting to the age of 41 and having screwed up just about everything i have ever been involved in. while i'm smart and occasionally very personable, i'm not consistent. when i'm good, i'm very good. but those are rare moments. the flip side of it is being scatterbrained, poor sense of time, distracted, fidgety, and sometimes very contrarian. those aren't the types of qualities that impress employers and customers. it's hell on my family and friends too. but they're not paying me for my reliability.

even though these things are true, i would have to say on balance that i do like most of who i am, and that ADD isn't terrible. i generally feel sorry for the normal ones. they don't realise how boring they usually turn out. i guess for me the fact that i have been thwarted in my material pursuits by trying to make money the normal way and having to fight my "symptoms" (gifts?), is my problem. i'm so gifted, i have a hard time getting anywhere. i always show up late, have travelled more side roads, and still don't have what i was supposed to bring. it always seems like when i'm me, just going along my merry way, i have a great time. however, when there is something expected of me, or terms and conditions, i fall very short. done in by constraints. that's where the shame and sadness come in. having so much and producing so little.

 

 

oops! i didn't finish a paragraph. just skipped to the next thought. that's what i'm talking about. [QUOTE=lotanez]

Thank you so much for your message. Post it notes are great. I just told my mom if she wanted to critize me because I am trying to get organized, she didn't have to come over to my house. I wan't rude, but she did apologize.

Thanks again.

Lia

[/QUOTE]

Hi! I am an old, Heemm, middle-aged man, just diagnosed Formally in mid-2004.
ASHAMED, hell no, I am a perfect example of extreme ADHD + Dyslexia+ Dyspraxia, Chaos is my second name, HEEEEEEEEE. As you spend more time
thinking about how to put self-management tricks in place it will become part of
who you are as a person and after some  early negative reaction others
will just say ah thats who lotanez is! They will find other little issues to be a pain
in the butt about, as we all can be.  I as a parent  ask you this, How do you
think your Mom felt after,  when she had time to reflect. Maybe up to then she
felt inside herself that she was someway involved in The Different Way you turned
out. Maybe she felt she could not share how she felt about you incase it was not
appropriate. She made a major move by her Apology. Space and time are great
with some Family Dynamic Issues, distance can bring perspective.
So Give yourself a Clap on the back. Smile !!
 
Oh! and incase i forget, Welcome to our little corner of the Universe.

Thank you so much for your message. Post it notes are great. I just told my mom if she wanted to critize me because I am trying to get organized, she didn't have to come over to my house. I wan't rude, but she did apologize.

Thanks again.

Lia

I made notes to do things all my life and it helped lots. I don't know where I got the idea from, but as a kid I made up a daily to do list that started from waking up brushing teeth and ended up with going to sleep at night. I had to go and look at the chart everyday, but after awhile it gets memorized so you won't have to think about it.

Hi,

I was just reading all your comments on ADD and I know all about the "stuck up" thing. Everyone thinks I am too because of my lack of social skills. I'm always very nervous to talk to new people and other people I'm not comfortable with.  I know I'm not though and so does my family. But people at school do not see me like this. I know they Think I'm stuck up but I also think soo many girls at college are. They are so rude. Most of my friends I have are from work. I don't bother talking to the rude girls at school.  I'm shy and just want to have nice friends who i can easily open up to. I've gotten a lot better since i started working as a hostess and I open up more at work but back at school forget it. The girls just make me angry there. Maybe I do come across as stuck up but I really truly am very nice once someone gets to know me. But, people don't bother talking to me at college and I'm too shy to talk to them. So not many friends there. But if you all saw the way the girls act there its horrible. Very snotty girls who need to go back to high school I think. :)Anyway,I love writing to all of you. It's nice to have people to open up to who will understand. I also feel very scatterbrained. I always wondered why until now. Now I know its the ADD. Especially when I'm nervous. I get back to my room late at night and i am soo uncomfortable with my room mate. She's so nosy and it irritates me to no end because I dont start questioning her about everything, I actually dont say anything to her really unless she asks me a question because she annoys me so much, she's oblivious to my feelings and will stay up really late at night even though I'm a light sleeper and will blow dry her hair EARLY in the morning. She probably doesnt do it on purpose but i am soo frustrated. I know i should talk to her but this girl is FRUSTRATING. i hate confrontations and especially with her. She treats me like a child which I"m not. I'm 22 years old, a few months older than her lol.I only have a few weeks though so it will be great. We are just too opposite. I stay over at my fiance's house all day until I have to go back to the dorm. My college is strict and they have curfews at like midnight. Can't wait to be married in a few months and have my husband as a room mate. *sigh* that will be SOO much better. Anyway, I'm sorry this was soo long. I didnt intend it to be. I would appreciate any advice you can give me. I really dont want people to think I'm stuck up but I have gotten to the point where I'm like "I dont care if these girls at school think that." I have just given up and try not to let weird looks at me from them or anything make me feel stupid. It's not worth it. I realize I am not stupid and want to be confident about myself. :) i struggle with school and concentration/focusing/motivation but now the concerta is helping me a lot! so I'm thankful for that. Anyone feel free to respond :)

To person who feels ashamed:

the discovery of ADD may be your biggest gain. Your family will gladly accept your 'specificity', just give them time.

I am still in unbelief over my self-diagnosis two days ago.

As someone said on this message board- having ADD helps accept imperfections

 of others. Your parent  now has a chance for growth.

All the best!