thirteen

I have a teenage daughter who hasnt got ADHD but a teenage son who has.

I hate to say it but your teenage daughter sounds alot like mine.  She has had her belly button pierced ( we arranged it as she had already done it herself once with an earing!!!).  I have quite often had to pick her up after she has got so drunk that she is vomiting in a freinds house and the parents dont know what to do with her.  Just recently she has taken the morning after pill.  The upside on all this is that she does talk to me and and we have a reasonably good relationship.

I really feel for you because some teenagers are the kids from hell and when they have other problems as well it isnt easy. 

The upside is she wont be a teenager forever so hang in there!!!

Take care,  Debbie

Bridgemik:

It sounds like you have a really good support system coming together for your daughter. It is wonderful if she can have someone else to talk to that has her best interests at heart. It is wonderful that she loves soccer, as well. Don't you love the car for talks. It is a great place to capture her attention. You, also, sounds like you are doing a really great job promoting how wonderful it is to be a girl. I do similiar things with artists because my step-daughter is really into art. Keep at it. Girls hit that age were they won't "listen"--they are, even with all the yelling.

Stepmom,

Yes, Katie is involved with soccer and loves it.  She plays in the church league which in non-competitive (like you can really make anything non-competitive with kids  )  She has the choice of being on our team or on another coach's team and continues to choose us, so I think that is a good sign.  She is also very involved in our church - that is where most of her friends are. 

The good thing is that she does talk to me, mostly in the car after practice or on the way home from after-school.  I am also trying to enforce the idea that she can talk to others (our pastor, Grammie, aunts, family friends, etc).  When all this first started, I had her talk to my youngest sister who is 18.  Sometimes listening to someone cool is better than listening to parents.  My sister is different because she has cystic fibrosis and has to take meds and therapy daily.  She is also an honors student who really has her priorities in order.  Although my kids don't see my sister (she lives with my dad and step-mom many states away) they do talk on the phone and are starting to email.  Although that won't take the place of Katie talking to my husband and me, it certainly may help.

We also really stress girl-power!  She said the other day that a girlfriend of hers couldn't understand why Katie was so gifted in math - cause girls weren't supposed to be good in math!!!!  So I explained to Katie that I love math (am a biomedical engineering major, but no longer on that career path).  We also looked up a ton of female mathmaticians, scientists, inventors, etc.  Careful not to make our son feel slighted, just pointing out that boy or girl, you can do what you put your mind to and we all have gifts.

I hope we are on the right track, but will be very quick to get help if Katie continues down this path even a little!

I was the horrible teenage daughter at one point, and I am in my 40's (ADD) now but still remember how it feels.  It was a nightmare for my parents, and not really much fun for me either.  The stricter my parents were with discipline, the less I felt that they were listening to me and we ended up building an emotional wall between us that took 20 years to break down again.  I know they did their best, and I remember my mom crying about me.  But after that wall was built at about the age of 15, they really could no longer to get through to me, I considered them the "enemy".  Please don't let this happen, I felt SO ALONE!  I have no siblings, and just ached to feel that someone cared.  Of course this intense loneliness led to many activities that were not good. 

I agree that activites may make a huge difference.  Keep her busy and get her involved in whatever activites she might be interested in, even if they are not your first choices.  She may very well take to activities that give her an adrenaline rush, like skiing, sky diving, or mountain climbing.  Keeping her busy and challenged may be difficult for you, but I know it would have helped me to stay out of trouble.  I was just bored and craving stimulation as a teen, drugs and sex are easy and cheap to find.   I wish you all the best.

KC's Mom:

Your experience, quite frankly, scares the S#@T out of me. I would be very concerned about your daughter's activities. She is far to young to be out with guys, experimenting with drugs, sex, etc. She needs some strict guidance from you. Do not let this continue. Pull in at the reigns. Do not allow her to hang out with Evie. Do not allow her out after dark at this age. One thing that I truly believe to be important for a teenage girl is activities. She needs to find something she loves that can consume her time right now. She does not need to spend it "hanging out" at this age. Remember the old adage--Idle hands are the devil's workshop. This is most true in young adolescents. Get her volunteering or involved in sports. Statistics have proven that girls invovled in some sort of organized activity are far less likely to engage in destructive activities. Your daughter needs something that can occupy her time and curiosities. Please do not chalk this up to "normal" teenage actions. It isn't, and it does not have to be for your daughter. Save yourself alot of heartache and take head of my words.

Oh dear I didnt in any way mean to imply that this is normal teenage behaviour.  My daughter has had alot of problems to deal with in her short life and at the moment with teenage hormones etc and her past this is her way of dealing with things.  I am very worried about her and support her all I can.  She realises that her behaviour is wrong at times but unfortunately not all teenagers conform to the norm and I just wanted to let K C's mum know that although our daughters are not conforming to the norm she is not the only one having problems.  My daughter is 15 so a bit older.

I must agree that trying to limit contact with Evie is a good idea. For our own personal reasons I have to limit contact with my daughter and her father. He is recently out of prison. If I tried to stop all contact it wouldnt work and she would go behind my back.  Try involving Evie in family things such as meals and the odd sleepover where they stay in and watch dvd's. This way you both get the best of both worlds.  I know my situation is not quite the same and you will have problems implementing these rules at first, but it might help.

Once again I apologise if it seemed that my original post implied that all teenagers are really awful.  I have two older daughters who didnt give me half as much grief as I'm getting now so I must have done something right

Big smile and hug to everyone.  We all have problems,everyone has answers and opinions. Read them all and take the advice that you think will work for you.

Love debbie

Oh, I wish I had an answer.  A niece of a friend ran away recently - she is 13 and it's the 3rd time running away.  The girls mom is a nut job and the child has been diagnosed bipolar, not ADHD.  Anyway, to make a long story short she ran away with a  boy and for some reason they separated.  The girl ended up with a 40 year old man who was going to "help" her.  Needless to say, she was sexually abused, but at least she is alive and has been found.  Anyway, in talking with my friend all I could think of is that could be my daughter in a few years.  Katie (my dd) is 9, intelligent, does well in school, but is already making extremely bad choices in order to fit in.  We caught it early, but before Christmas she was intentionally failing tests because a boy told her being smart wasn't cool and he wouldn't like her.  She has become extremely defiant and rebellious and plain out angry recently.  I am not ADHD and was an extremely difficult teen, just because I wanted to fit in.  I am so afraid of where she is going - don't want to think of her at 13, 16 or 18!!!!

do you know Evie's parents?  i would have called them up right away to come and get her.  its hard to weed out the bad influences, kids always find a way to contact them.  lucky for me my daughters so called friends don't go to the same school as her, but i do know that hasn't stopped her from getting messages to them.  i believe that we caught sam before she got into deep, but Evie sounds alot like sams friend sarah.  the girl is 14 and already been to rehab for drugs and alcohol and is now in AA...not working.  we have grounded sam from everything.  the only place she can go is to school.  no phone, computer or anything.  i have told her that if she ever decides to sneak out of the house again or drugs or drinking....I will call the cops.  she has started going to counseling..hope it works, found out she was also "cutting".  i don't get it, she's been doing all this stuff and is still on the honor role.  just got a letter last week that she is now a member of National Junior Honor Society. 

As an added comment to my earlier post, I would like to say that your daughter is showing you she needs more control by her behavior. Her actions are saying, "I am not mature enought o make the descisions I am making." She shows that a 10 pm curfew is far too late to be out. Personally, I would not allowed for that curfew to begin with. Maybe if she was at a friend's house, and I would be picking her up, but not to just be running the streets. She is at too vulnerable of an age to be out unsupervised after dark.

Also, I would not have just banned certain things (TV, phone, etc.). I would have cleared out everything and probably taken the door off the hinge. She needs to be sent a clear message that her behavior is DEADLY, and you will do what needs to be done to teach her this is NOT acceptable. Show her that YOU are in charge. She is not ready to deal with the consequenses of the choices she is making. Do not allow her to be in situations, right now, that requires her to make these adult descisions. Take her to a Narcotics Annonymous meeting, and let her observe the people who are there. She will probably hear some pretty heartbreaking things from people that are living with addiction. She needs to be taught the hard lessons, but don't let it be through her mistakes when it comes to drugs and sex. Also, is her father in the picture? This is a crucial time for her to have a solid male father figure in her life. She will look for that need to be met somewhere-- meet that need at home if you can.

K.C.mom

You have alot more problems than on you first post. 

My daughter went through an awful stage when I first got divorced.  Her father was put in prison and she considered this to be my fault.  Her behaviour towards me was diabolical and she totally resented everything I tried to do for her.

We had some awful rows, But I soon learned to leave her in her room so that we could both take time out to calm down.  I would then go and discuss with her the thing that had caused the row and we would both listen to each others side and try to reach a compromise which was agreeable to both of us.  This made her see that I could be reasonable and that she was grown up enough to talk about how she feels.  We still didnt always agree and things could still be fraught for a long time but it was a start and now we talk about most things and make each others lives alot easier by not going at each other tooth and nail. (Mind you that isnt easy even now)

As for Evie, I agree take her home to her parents and diplomaticly tell them what has been going on.  Do they know? if she stays at yours after one of these nights out I wonder if they do.  They wont like it at first, but will be gratefull to know that someone has told them.  I have done this before with some of my daughters 'freinds' and their parents were surprised but gratefull that I had let them know.

Try hugging you daughter even if she resists at first, she needs alot of love and support.

I send you a big hug too because you also need one.

Debbie

Bridgemik:

Is your daughter involved in sports. This is a great age to find one she loves. I was an elite gymnast growing up. I credit the fact that I was in the gym 48 hrs. a week to why I didn't fall into the traps. My time was not spent unsupervised, and I had specific goals. They did not include sex, drugs, alcohol, etc. I learned to respect my body through this. I didn't have time to worry about fitting in. I saw what my friends were up to, and I didn't see the point. Those were, also, in the "tamer" days. Your daughter doesn't have to be consumed by a sport, but it puts perspective on what her priorities should be. Really any type of activity that promotes self worth and acceptance is a healthy thing for girls. Like I said, your daughter is at a great age to find her passion and promote it.