unsupportive husband!!!! | ADHD Information

I have been doing a lot of research on AD/HD and ADD. My husband now was told he had it back a couple of years old when I kept telling him something was wrong with him. I was overseas at the time and each day when I talked to him his emotions where really high (annoying so) or down out depressed. We broke up several times and went through a mess for awhile. Now that we are married, I have looked into this disease so much more and gotten a larger understanding of it. I understand why he does a lot of things he does. I am away on business again and he is not taking my leaving too well. He went to the doctor and without seeing a psychotherpist got put on drugs that make him cranky and mean. The more I read up on it, the more I understand why this all happens and how I plan to help him when I get back. I could just sit back and blame the disease and not help, but that would do me no good. Since I am the one without the disease, I can help him by being organized, eating right, exerise...etc. I may never completly understand this disease, but being married to it, I have two choices leave him for someone who isn't like that or deal with it and be with the man I love.Dear Lee:

I feel your pain; I have had similiar problems with my husband, and with my mother and other family members before him. Overcoming this type of pattern is NOT easy. It's most likely something you have grown so accustomed to, and he has grown so accustomed to, that you don't even realize how often it happens.

These days my husband is supportive beyond description, but it didn't come easily. We separated for three years and I went to counseling for two years, then we went to counseling together after that. He had his own issues, it was a complicated mess - but we survived and reunited our family of four children.

I highly recommend you seek out a therapist who is familiar with ADD issues; he/she will help you to communicate to your husband more effectively and will also serve as an accountibility check for you.

I think those of us with ADD tend to have so many good intentions that we don't follow through on that our families become frustrated with us - heck WE get frustrated with ourselves. But we keep trying - what else can we do?

In our early years together my husband "took care" of me - made sure I was organized and on track. But with four children in the house, and the responsibilities of providing for a family, he no longer had the patience to coddle my ADD tendencies. He grew frustrated with me and I resented him for not helping me as he did in the past. I had come to depend upon him.

I still depend upon him, but now days we have reached a point where we divide up responsibilities according to what works best for each of us and our family as a whole. He does the laundry, for example. It gets done more regularly with him doing it, he works from home and the laundry is next to his office in the walk-out basement.

I tend to do the deep cleaning, when I get in one of my "moods". When this happens I clean like a maniac - using my ADD tendency to hyperfocus to give my family a squeeky clean house. I don't deal with clutter well, so he keeps on the kids to keep the clutter under control. Thus, when I am "in the mood" to clean, I don't have to first get through the clutter piles. At least not usually. Sometimes our whole routine falls apart, but it happens less frequently these days.

You need the tools in place to make things work, but you also need support in carrying through on all your good intentions. It's very difficult for our spouses to always be the source of our support, and our friends as well.

I had a friend admit to me that she didn't know if my problems were really "medical" or simply "laziness"; she wanted to think it wasn't a character flaw issue, but she was nagged with the thought she wasn't *really* helping me by supporting me.

Fortunately, I was in therapy when this friend told me this, so I was able to discuss it with my therapist and understand her frustration. She had actually come over to my house and helped me clean out of a disaster on more than one ocassion. Bless her.

Sometimes our ADD issues are too much for those around us to understand and support. We need a professional to weigh in and help us get a system which works for us up and running. We need a professional to help us learn to "self-talk" our way through situations. Lastly, we need support in our efforts to get those around us to be supportive. It takes a lot of backbone to stand up tall when your ADDcentric struggles are being downplayed or ridiculed by those who just don't understand.

Heck - *I* still struggle with understanding myself!!! Especially on an emotional level.

See my post about how much Adderall XR I need versus what I allow myself to take - I tend to shortchange my medication dosage because I feel somehow defective for needing medication to function better. Perhaps I am "punishing" myself by not allowing myself to take optimum medication dosages.

The negative messages - like those your husband is sending you about just "trying harder" and "putting your mind to it" - will tear you down, FAST! He needs to understand this, but don't expect him to understand it just because you tell him he needs to understand it. He is most likely reacting from his emotions of frustration, just as you are reacting from your emotions of frustration.

My husband heard a discussion on TV about depression, it was on Dr. Phil in fact. He said once he learned that I was beating myself up inside, and only when I had exhausted myself inside by beating myself up did I strike out with anger at those around me - because what was inside was overflowing - he understood for the first time what he needed to do to REALLY help me.

I was in a cycle of trying something new, not following through with it, getting depressed about not following through and beating myself up inside, then when he would say the exact thing I was beating myself up about - I would "go off" and get really angry.

So my husband decided not to contribute to the merry-go-round any longer. How? He now keeps his mouth shut, knowing I am beating myself up when the house is a mess and I am not functioning well. He now recognizes he doesn't need to heap on the insult to injury when it's obvious that I am acutely aware of my own failings and shortcomings, and I am already beating myself up with my self talk. Instead of adding to the negative self-talk, he encourages me to keep persevering in my goals.

His *new* approach - to be loving and supportive at all times and not tell me to "try harder" or "focus more intently" or WHATEVER - has helped me tremendously!!

I now am left to fight my own ADD battles, and can do it so much better when I am not also fighting battles on the outside with my husband. After 15 years of marriage (three spent apart) we are finally working TOGETHER & he is *really* on my side in the ongoing struggle to live with and overcome my ADD tendencies.

As I said, this is not a quick solution, and I have not reached "utopia" in my own battles with ADD.

****

The fact is, I have spent hundreds of dollars on organizers and everything else, but nothing works without a "system" in place.

Charts on the walls work for me, most of the time. I use the plan devise by the Flylady - www.FlyLady.com

I fall off the wagon from time to time and the house gets out of hand. I usually pull an all nighter to get caught up again. Not the best solution, but it works better for me not to have the kids underfoot when I really need to get a lot done.

The charts work, I must confess, because my husband follows them and makes sure the kids do their chores and the household chores get done, ect., ect. I make the plans and he provides the drive to get the plans done. We have really learned to work as a team; I absolutely could not do it all on my own. When we were separated for those three years my house was nearly always a total mess!!

I sympathize with your problems with your children's rooms. Here's a strategy you might want to try:

Since your husband seems to understand your "special need" for organizers, perhaps he needs to be "in charge" of the kids rooms? It only makes sense - since he doesn't want them to learn how to be organized in a manner which works for you, but instead thinks they can be organized w/o organizing tools, he'll have to show them how to do it!! How can you help them accomplish something which you yourself cannot do without "special tools"?? (I think it would be better to get the stuff you need to get their rooms organized, but sometimes you need to approach husbands from their side of the bench.)

Women with ADD almost invaribly struggle with housekeeping issues; but we have strengths in other areas. Don't forget that - or let your family think of you as only a "flunking homemaker". You need to learn to value your strengths and gifts outside of homemaking. Separate your emotions and feelings of self-worth from the state of your house!! It's hard, I know. Any mom wants to be a "good mom" and "good moms" provide an orderly and clean home environment for their families. Right?? Yeah - right.

If I had continued to allow myself to measure my self-worth as a mother, wife and woman by the sucess of my housekeeping I would never have come out of the deep state of dysfunction I found myself in a few years back when my ADD was first diagnosed (which was when I entered counseling, after my husband and I separated).

Don't allow the mission to have a clean and organized home consume you - if you do it will destroy you! I learned this the hard way.

Blessings to you. You are in my prayers.
Feel free to email me directly - davis.susan[at]gmail.com

Susan

Susan_Dawn38450.4010763889 [QUOTE=lee03]

I AM SO MAD!!!!!

I KEEP ASKING MY HUSBAND TO BE SUPPORTIVE OF ME AND HE SAYS, ONEY i SUPPORT YOU, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO DOING IT, HE FAILS. EVERYTHING I SUGGEST, HE JUST GUNS DOWN. I said, i;m going to sign up for yoga, and he said, just sit in the closet when we got to sleep. I said, i'm joing thegym, he says just go walking around the corner, Just apply your self, just commit yourself, just make it important enough, just try harder, just organize just..........I am fuming because my house is a mess and I want organizers everywhere to help me stay organized. I am a mother also, so I think we should get some for the kids also since their room is a mess too. He said that he is not teaching his kids to rely on things to make themselves organized. He said the will teach them the old faschined way. He also said that i was special and that is the only reason that he has agreed to do this.

I am so mad and sad beause I am alone with my add, my friends think i'm a joke so does my family. I am all alone. and I am really sad right now. Is there anyone out there?

please excuse the mistakes, I'm really upset.

Lee3,
My prayers are with you now in your time of desperation. I am a husband and
my situation is the flip-side of your coin. My wife now uses my situation as a
cynical way to isolate me from her "Normal" social set. I have had to become
expert in covert operations to survive and stay alive. This Forum has been
my only friend, sometimes, and i have communicated with others like me.
You can say, as I do, during self talk, I am 1 of 200,000 in Ireland.
Just change the figure for your own State.

[/QUOTE]

You guys are great, I wish we could all meet for coffee or something. Thanks so much. If organization is a problem for you, i would suggest going to the Flylady.com website. Its only been 4 days and I have developed a new habit.

Love, Lee

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time! Does your husband truly understand adhd and what it means? Could he go with you to a therapy session or something like that and have a conversation with a counselor?

Some people just think that using modern inventions to make our lives easire is "cheating." My dad is like that- wont ride a bike with gears on it, uses an axe instead of chainsaw etc. I cant imagine why you would want to to do things the hard way when we've developed wonderful ways of making things easier??(ex. why torture yourself by working the math out in your head when we have perfectly good calculators??) I'm curious what he thinks is the "old fashioned way" of teaching your children how to get organized. I'd say most people nowadays use organizers, adhd or not. Maybe you could take him to Lowe's or Office Depot and show him how common they are.I have heard that "just try" my entire life and now I hear it from my husband too. He doesn't believe in ADHD but all the doctors I have ever been to say I'm "the" textbook case of what ADHD in adults really is. It's very frustrating to not be supported. Dear Reizende:

My conscious cannot let your post go without a response.

What you are describing is beyond "not supportive" - it's verbal and emotional abuse.

Someone in my life used to tell me the exact same things your boyfriend is telling you - my husband, in our "prior life" together; in the days before we learned to have a healthy and loving marriage relationship.

Relationships based on verbal and emotional abuse do not change easily - my husband and I lived apart for three solid years!!

We both went through a lot of counseling.... both separately and together, and we learned to recognize and change verbal and emotional abuse patterns. It was not an easy journey; in fact I had to get to the point where I was willing and expecting to be a divorced mom of 4 children before I could really stand my ground with my husband and demand he treat me with respect.

I didn't even know I had ADD until I entered counseling after we separated.

From extensive reading and my personal struggles, I came to the conclusion that many women with ADD *subconsciously* get into relationships with someone who will "take care" of them. In doing so, we set ourselves up for unhealthy relationships and a potentially verbally and emotionally abusive relationship.

A healthy relationship *can* be based on agreed upon mutual dependency, but this only happens when both parties willing RECOGNIZE and AGREE to be inter-dependant upon one another in certain, agreed upon, areas of their lives together.

Everyday living is very difficult for persons with ADD; we struggle with so many tasks on a daily basis! It's exhausting!!

Admit it - when we find someone who is willing take on some of the burdens of our daily struggles, it's a huge relief!

I think guys have an easier time with this than do women, many a wife has kept her ADDcentric husband "on track" and "organized". Oftentimes, especially in traditional or semi-traditional families, it's an acceptable role for a woman to "support" her man in this manner.

Since the wife supporting the husband is the expectation in our society, when the roles are reversed all kinds of dynamics often are at play in the relationship.

When we had children I felt overwhelmed with both work and motherhood. I made a deal with my husband, if he took a part-time job, I'd do all the housework. By this time he had gotten tired of taking care of all my loose ends, so he agreed.

He would work all day and come home to a messy house, I felt ashamed and guilty... but I couldn't seem to figure out how to get everything done and keep a clean house, and nurse a baby, and... I felt I should be doing all these things, afterall I had promised him I would do it all.

He would say awful things to me and about me, and deep-down I believed all the awful things he said about me were true. I got really, really depressed and even less functional, he got depressed - and expressed his depression through snide comments directed at me, he often disguised these jabs as humor.

I didn't recognize my husband's jabs-disguised-as-humor for what it was: disrespectful and hurtful. His type of humor was familiar territory for me, self-depreciating humor had been my method of coping with the pain of my childhood.

The fact is, I treated my husband in the same manner as he treated me. Or at least tried to get in my jabs. He was alway better at the game than I was - he really knew how to "go for the jugular" with his verbal insults. He often left me feeling numb and empty inside with the venom of his words.

The verbal abuse also took other forms, he played "power games". For example, he would have me going around in circles trying to explain something to him. He would tell me I wasn't making sense, talking crazy-like, and get me so confused with his back-and-forth, mixed-up logic that I ended up believing I was an incompetent communicator.

I would later go over the conversation over and over again in my head, trying to figure out how I could have worded it differently so that he'd understand whatever it was I was trying to tell him. What I didn't understand at the time was this: no matter how I tried explaining the situation, he was going to react in the same way; his goal was to get me to feel crazy and confused - not to understand me.

He also used to tell me that he "never lied to me", and I actually believed him, because he said it all the time, and when the evidence of his lies were in my face, he would explain them away. He often had me believing my recollection of this or that wrong. He really exploited my ADD tendency to tune out and get distracted easily to mess with my head and make me feel totally crazy.

He would tell me that I never apologize for anything, so I would bend over backwards apologizing for everything conceivable. The fact is, he never apologized for anything; not sincerely at least.

I believe those of us with ADD often we fall into patterns of behavior where we subconsciously allow ourselves to become dependant on others - unwittingly giving over control of our personhood to that person in the process.

Our ADD even faciliates our creation of an inaccurate reality as we fixtate on the good in our relationship and block out the bad.

According to Patricia Evans, author of "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", men who use verbal abuse tactics with their partners are seeking to have "power over" their partners.

"Girlfriend" - your boyfriend already has "power over" you. He threatens to sleep on the couch if you want the TV turned off during the night, and you LET HIM stay in the bedroom with the TV on??

Give him a blanket and tell him sleep on the couch!

My husband had the TV on at night, everynight, for 3 solid years while we were separated. He wanted to continue the habit after we reconciled. I let him know I could not sleep with the television on all night; if he preferred the TV to wrapping his arms around his wife at night, then off to the couch he should go.

Most nights he prefers to sleep next to me, but he has fallen asleep on the couch with the TV on. I sometimes wake him up and sometimes let him be... he doesn't wake up too easily, so it's usually easier to leave him be.

The snoring is another matter. Would you like to to sharply poked in your side when you're sound asleep? Honestly, I have been through this as well with my husband. I used to poke him in his sleep when he snored, honestly, I think I took out some of my anger at the way he was treating me when I poked him. This was "before" we separated.

He didn't spend even one night with me the entire time we were living apart - he said he was afraid of sleeping with me again because of how hard I used to poke him for snoring. It was my turn to apologize, and I promised not to poke him again. I will nudge him to roll over, which doesn't always work, but I don't poke or jab at his side.
So what do I do - if I fall asleep first, or if I am really tired, I can usually sleep through his snoring. If I am having trouble getting to sleep due to his snoring, I will move to the couch. As I said, he sometimes falls asleep on the couch while watching TV - his snoring is a big reason why I often let him sleep there for the night.

I have a married friend of 8 years who never sleeps in the same room as her husband - they have always slept in separate rooms due to his snoring, and they are in their early 30s. It's just how they have worked out this problem in their marriage.

However, your boyfriend has no right to hold over your head the fact you previously were in touch with your ex. Different couples have different agreements when it comes to ex-partners, and many couples mutually agree to not be in touch with ex-partners. So perhaps you were in the wrong to be chatting with your ex; does your boyfriend think it's okay for him to talk with any of his ex-girlfriends - if the expectation and standard goes both ways then it's a fair "relationship rule".

More to the point of your current situation - he already left you because you were in contact with your ex. If it bothered him that much, it's most certainly his right to break off a relationship with you.

If the two of you had a mutually agreed upon understanding that ex-partners were 100% out of the picture, and you violated that understanding, then I suppose he also had the right to be upset with you - at the time it happened.

However, by returning to you, he is saying he has decided to FORGIVE you for any real or perceived past transgressions. If he is returning to you and desiring to build a healthy relationship with you, then the past MUST BE the past, not something he somehow has permission to hold over your head forever and ever. Have you apologized?? I bet you have - a zillion times. Do not allow him to play you like this!!

Some couples agree to have controls on internet usage - no chat rooms allowed, full disclosure of all passwords to all emails, internet and computer usage. If there has been a situation in the relationship where one partner got into some areas of the Internet which jeopardize the relationship - like pornography - some couples have even agreed to put very strict, non-workaroundable, filtering systems on their computers at home. There are times when we need to make some concessions to our partner to regain his/her trust. How a relationship is rebuilt after a transgression is something for the couple to talk through and agree upon together.

HARASSMENT is not a healthy way to rebuild trust and love in a relationship. Constantly looking over your shoulder is not right. Your boyfriend has no right to rub your nose in your past mistakes, and you need to tell him so.

I suspect you probably already told him not to keep asking you about other "boyfriends" and such. But he keeps doing it; no matter how often you try to tell him to stop.

If this is the situation, you need to make a plan to leave him - or kick him out. Either he treats you with respect, talks with you openly, and works towards building a healthy relationship/partnership - or he is outta there! Period.

If you "can't live without him" you are in trouble; I strongly suggest counseling - find a free counseling clinic if you don't have insurance.

Move in with a friend or relative if you can; just get away from him.

Dr. Amen, in his book "Change Your Brain - Change Your Life" talks about the brain connections we create when we are physically/sexually involved with someone. This makes it difficult to leave, it's one big reason why battered wives and girlfriends stay in dangerous situations. The longer you are with him, the more impaired your judgement of the health of your relationship will become and the harder it will be to leave.

"But he can be so sweet and loving, and sensitive." Of course he can, why else would you have been attracted to him in the first place. CONSISTENCY is the key to a healthy relationship. Is he always loving and respectful? Okay, no one is perfect, BUT... when he fails to treat you with respect, and you point it out to him, does he take responsibility for his words and actions, or does he twist everything around to make you feel like you are CRAZY?!?!

Please, please, please get the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.

In that book you will read the exact phrases your boyfriend says to you, and you will start to correctly identify verbal abuse in your relationship.

The line "Can't you take a joke?" Is in that book.

I think you see what is happening. He is insulting you and then cloaking his insult as a joke! It's not even funny; unfortunately most sitcoms these days are based in large part on the "insult wrapped up in a joke" type of one-liners. We are being desensitived to the true nature of these so-called "jokes". I am proud of you for recognizing the truth - I didn't at one time.

However, do you also recognize this: he is not only hurting you with his insult, and then discounting your protest to his insult, he is also TRAINING YOU to not recognize your own emotions!

This was one of the biggest hurdles I had to overcome - recognizing my emotional response to the words he used to control and confuse me.

After that hurdle came the hurdle of standing up for myself and *telling* him that he was not allowed to treat me with disrespect.

After that came the hurdle of not allowing him to convince me that he had said nothing wrong - it's best not to even listen to your guy when he starts in on this phase. Stay true to the emotional response you felt when he spoke to you with disrepect.

When I was finally ready to stand my ground with my husband, I had to convince him I meant it! On Christmas Day the first year after we separated, I had to call the police to get him to leave my place. It was awful for the kids, but it also wasn't good for them to see him treating me as he was treating me that day.

When he continued to treat me with disrespect during visits with the kids, he was not allowed inside my house for several months.

The second year after we separated I finally decided I could and would go on without him - yes, it took that long for me to get to the point where I recognized the healthy choice was to plan on being a divorced mother, rather than to pin my hopes on reconciling my marriage.

I really thought, for a good year and a half, that I would end up divorced. The only reason I wasn't alredy divorced was because I had to wait for my name to come up on the legal aid pro bono list.

I continued to work on improving my relationship with my soon-to-be-ex (that's how I thought of him by then), but only for the purpose of building a healthy co-parenting relationship for the sake of our children. I didn't want them to have parents who could be in the same room on the day of their graduation, or marriage - if at all possible.

Then again, I was braced for the possibility we might not ever be able to be in the same room again, if he wasn't going to ever learn to treat me with respect!

Eventually he took down the "wall" and we really became real friends - without any pretenses. It was this friendship which eventually led to reconcilation. We were always able to talk about the kids in a very healthy manner; he didn't bring his gameplaying into discussions involving the kids. His kids remained very important to him the entire time we were separated; they brought us back together because we were the only two people on earth who are the parents of our four children.

Unfortunately, many men walk away from their children when their relationship with their children's mother fails.

We went to lots of counseling and really, really, really worked at our marriage. We are still working on our marriage; it's a never-ending process. When we got married neither one of us was emotionally mature.

Blessings to you, feel free to email me directly at davis.susan[at]gmail.com

Blessings
Susan_Dawn

I AM SO MAD!!!!!

I am so mad and sad beause I am alone with my add, my friends think i'm a joke so does my family. I am all alone. and I am really sad right now. Is there anyone out there?

please excuse the mistakes, I'm really upset.

Sending you one of these !!

Everyone needs time to themselves.......the good thing about that is....when it's your time YOU are the one who gets to decide how you want to spend it!

Good Luck and God Bless!

It sounds like your husband loves you and wants to support you... he just doesnt understand you. He sounds extremely practical and a good counterbalance to your add tendencies (and we all need someone to counterbalance our ADD tendencies!) if only you two could communicate to each other about why you think and believe the way you do.
Try to explain to him why you think certain things would be helpful to you, and find out why he thinks they wouldn't be. Maybe you can arrive at some common ground.
Good luck.
Maybe he needs to be more educated on the disorder. Could you print some things out for him to read? Has he seen improvement at all since you've been medicated? I don't think my husband totally "bought it" either until I started meds and he could see the improvement in me. Now I think he welcomes the efforts I try to make. I personally think it's great that you want to organize. Maybe you can find some storage containers that are inexpensive and just buy them on your own, and do your organizing. How could he not be happy with the improvement in your surroundings? I have been shot down on some things by my husband, and when I go ahead and do them, I think he ends up feeling like a fool because he knows I'm right.

I am trying to handle a boyfriend with similar problems. Sometimes the spending money I can understand why he won't want to do it. But when I try to find ways to help myself sort out my bad memory or deal with my incoherent thoughts he mocks me. When I tell him to stop making fun of my ADHD or tell him I have problems with things, he says these things: "can't you even take a joke?" , "you have serious issues", "stop blaming everything you do on ADD, it's not working", "just because you have ADD doesn't mean you can't do anything".

I try to play computer games & talk to people to keep busy. I am constantly bored. He had left me before because I was talking to my ex (whom I missed at the time). Now I haven't been talking to my ex since he moved back in, but he comes over to my computer every half hour and asks me which boyfriend I am talking to.

In today's case, I have enough trouble sleeping at night from 3 things: the racing thoughts, noise distractions & caffeine consumption I used all day to try to focus...I woke at 2 AM because the TV was still on when he was watching it. I asked him why he can't just turn the lights and TV off and sleep like anyone else. He said he could always go sleep in the living room if I can't handle the TV. Then, at 5 AM I woke up again because he was snoring loudly & he takes up more than his 50% of a queen-sized bed. Half asleep & aggitated by lack of sleep I yell and poke him asking him why he can't be quiet. Again the threat of sleeping in the living room & ignoring me now.

I don't know if he is not being supportive or if I am being obnoxious. Maybe both.