$%&*&^%$#@ | ADHD Information
I am so frustrated. I'm impulsive, forgetful, unorganized, I forget to do things that I'm supposed to do or sometimes I do stupid little things that aren't quite appropriate, etc, etc. You guys have AD/HD so you know what I mean right? Because of all this, I end up looking flakey, self-centered, weird, etc. It's already frustrating enough and it wears down on my self-esteem. But my mother has to go and make it worse by constantly telling me about what an inconsiderate person I am and how I don't care about others. That is not true! I really care about other people. I just need help with my ADD problems. I really do care about other people and I try to be the best person I can be. Why doesn't she see that? Not only does she not see that but she also doesn't see how depressing it is for me to be such a screw-up! I get depressed because I'm always making a mess out of things. She doesn't care about how frustrated and depressed I am. If she loved me she would be more supportive. Everytime I try to talk to her about my problems with ADD we end up yelling at each other. She never believes me or she just ignores me. If she loved me she would try to read a F-U-C-K-I-N-G BOOK about AD/HD and learn more but she won't! She is a stupid B-I-T-C-H! If I didn't love her why after 23 years I would still be trying so hard to seek her approval? If I didn't love her why would I even try to talk to her about my problems? It's because I want to have a relationship with her. I love my mother but to her, I am just an inconsiderate, annoying brat. It's depressing and frustrating and overwhelming. scarygreengiant38446.9197685185I'm sorry. That must be really tough. Life with ADD is hard enough with everyone thinking that there's something wrong with you, you don't need your mom who is supposed to always be there for you thinking it too. I hope that she becomes more understanding in the future and learns how to see past the add craziness to see your good intentions and what a great unique person you are and then can appreciate you! If you see a psychiatrist and get a diagnosis, in a way it's kindof like getting a college degree in some peoples minds. They want the piece of paper that says you're this or that. Find some way to afford a diagnosis, and that may help your mom to understand.Where do you live in relation to your mother? Do you see her everyday? Do you live with her?
I would say that if she is TOTALLY UNWILLING to except your AD/HD and you are constantly left feeling lower than scum after you have been dealing with her, and you have tried every way you know how to mend the relationship, and it's just NOT WORKING, then you ultimately have to look out for yourself. --By this I mean, you DO NOT need to allow yourself to constantly be around such destructive relationships, no matter who it is. It is destructive to your self-esteem, and as an AD/HDer, you not need any more tearing down to your already-shattered self esteem.
You don't need your mother's approval anymore. Sure, it would be nice to have it. And I know how hard it is, because my parents are just this same way a lot of the times, and I CONSTANTLY FEEL that I am always subconciously trying to seek my dad's approval. My husband has to browbeat it into my head what I am doing when I do this, and that I DON'T NEED THEIR APPROVAL ANYMORE. I still have problems with this to this very day, so I understand.
Sometimes, (if it is possible for you to find a way, depending on your circumstances) it is better for a relationship, such as this, if you are able to space yourself away from your beloved family member. If you live in the house with her, move out. If you live next door to her, move to the other side of town. If you live in the same town with her, move to a different town....--depending on where you live in relationship to her now...If you already live far away from her, then limit your dealings with her. Treat your ad/hd, or learn about it however you are comfortable, or whatever, BUT DON'T DISCUSS IT WITH HER. Especially, if you are getting treated with meds, maybe she will notice your improvement herself, and she will bring it up...
And sometimes spacing yourself from a family member like this, you will find that you start getting along better with her. Since you are not always around as much as she is used to, she will be so happy to see you, or talk to you when you DO come around, that maybe she will not want to fight with you, and complain, and so forth. This distance can become a source of bufferring and preservation to your relationship with your mother.
You can then surround yourself with friends and supporters that understand you and your ad/hd. These ones can help you to build yourself up in ways that your mother will not.
I'm sure not everyone would agree with what I have written here, but I HAVE HAD YOUR SAME PROBLEMS, AND I HAVE FOUND THAT THIS IS WHAT WORKS FOR ME.
I hope everything works out well for you.
sonya_h38447.4484606481
I'm so sorry. Distance can be a very good thing. Do your very best to be the best person that your are. Eventually, your pride in yourself will be more important and your mother's approval will not be so important to you.
I cried reading your post though. I am the mom of an ADHD son. I am willing to bet that your mom loves you more than anything in the world. I also be that she thinks you are a wonderful person, even though her words may say the opposite. It is tough being a parent.
I second Sonya, she said what I was thinking exactly.
It is so frustrating when people just remind you (general "you") of what you are already upset at yourself about...like you don't know already, right? But all the same, she is your mom...you want her to love you, accept you, and support you...who wouldn't? It's how parents are "supposed" to be, but I know someone forgot to inform my mom as well!
I had similar feelings towards my mother (and other people), and I actually dealt with a lot by going to a psychologist. I was lucky to find one I really like and respect, and she has helped me work through a lot. I mainly just wanted to get over some old feelings, but the real end results of seeing her have been my self-esteem and self-awareness improving, and that alone has made coping with situations so much easier. I had bad experiences w/ "shrinks" in the past, but I wanted to give it another try...I'm glad I did.
I'm not sure if you have tried anything like that before? Is that something that might be an option?
I just wanted to add something that I read somewhere that I found to be true...
We as ad/hders, NEED our mothers/parents so badly, ESPECIALLY when growing up, more-so than the "normal" child, and longer after most other grown up children don't need them anymore. The fortunate ad/hders get understanding parents of our condition.
But those of us, such as "scary green giant", and myself, who are not so "fortunate" as to get such understanding parents, tend to fall into the trap of trying to look for our parent's approval. This is an uderstandable trap, considering how we grew up (NO one approved of our "issues" or could understand them), but also one that can be destructive if the parent in question has such a negative attitude.
Our self esteem is frail. We must protect it. If that means surrounding ourselves with understanding, supportive non-relatives, and distancing ourselves from stubborn, mentallity-destroying family members, then we have to do what we need to to protect our self esteem and make better lives for ourselves.
sonya_h38447.475Well, I'd write a lengthy reply, but I think Sonya said everything I was going to. I think she hit the nail right on the head when she said that sometimes you just need to "distance" yourself from relationships that are destructive to your self esteem, whether its a physical or emotional distance. I cant tell you how much better of a relationship I have with my dad now that I live somewhere else and dont talk about anything else but the weather with him.Sorry you have to deal with it. I know where you are coming from. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Here's a suggestion: if you don't feel that you have your mother's approval about your life in general, try getting her approval on some very small things. Bring her flowers! Tell her you love her. Thoughfully help her in with the groceries or take the trash out for her, cook dinner if she is busy. Moms are suckers for that sort of stuff! And the positive feedback will be good for you.
[QUOTE=scarygreengiant]How do you learn to let go of your need for approval and validation from your parents? [/QUOTE]
Hopefully someone will have some good advice on this one...I'm not sure how well I can put my response into words. (This is long, hope you can make it thru, LoL)
I want to say I just outgrew it. But I don't think that was really the case. I had that same "need" when I lived w/ my Mom, but when I was forced to move to FL with my Dad and Stepmonster (at age 15), I guess the distance changed some things. Not being around her probably got my focus off of her. I am now 24, and I live close to my Mom again. I must admit when things happen, and I get words of approval from my Mom...I get that great feeling. But I don't have as much respect for my Mom on many subjects any more, so I guess her approval just isn't as important on those. (I also had a lot of anger towards my Mom growing up...I 'hated' her, but I wanted to live with her...moth to a flame, I guess. And that 'flame' was her love and acceptance.)
Now with my Dad...he passed away a few years ago. I have always had a lot of respect for my Dad...I'm more like him intellectually, I guess. And I still want him to be proud of me, and I hope he is. So I guess the difference in the 2 was that I wanted my Mom's emotional acceptance, but I wanted my Dad's respect...if that makes sense?
With all my relationships, I tend to obsess over things like this at times. With me, I'm learning it is because something else is on shaky ground...so I start focusing on other things...things that agree with my negative thoughts...things I can't control or change really, but I want to. LoL, but honestly, if everything is going smoothly, I also focus on these things...just to stir myself up. It's like a no win situation at times!
But having other things to focus on, like hobbies, school/work, etc...that will probably help a lot. Realize that you don't "need" to have her acceptance, that's a huge step, or at least it was for me...easy for me to say it though, right? And being secure with myself, knowing that I am the one that needs to make myself happy, that I need to find approval/validation in myself...that's what has worked for me.
Good luck with your situation. My tdoc always tells me "This too shall pass" and it does. Things that seem SO important, usually end up on my list of "oh, I forgot about that" things in the end (until I drag them back out to stress over again, of course).
Hey everyone,Thanks for your replies and support. I think some distance could improve our relationship but I'm still living with my mother because I can't afford to move out. I know that I don't "need" her approval but I desperately want it. I don't know how to let go of it. I WANT her approval and I can't move on unless I get it. I want it. I want it. I want it. I want it. I want it. I can't be happy without it. I will never be satisfied without it. Did I say that I wanted my mother's approval? I know I should be more focused on other things but I can't help obsessing over it.
If I eventually move out maybe I won't be so obsessed with getting my mother's approval. Until then, there isn't much I can do except trying to save up enough money to live on my own. How do you learn to let go of your need for approval and validation from your parents?
[QUOTE=scarygreengiant]Hey everyone,
Thanks for your replies and support. I think some distance could improve our relationship but I'm still living with my mother because I can't afford to move out. I know that I don't "need" her approval but I desperately want it. I don't know how to let go of it. I WANT her approval and I can't move on unless I get it. I want it. I want it. I want it. I want it. I want it. I can't be happy without it. I will never be satisfied without it. Did I say that I wanted my mother's approval? I know I should be more focused on other things but I can't help obsessing over it.
If I eventually move out maybe I won't be so obsessed with getting my mother's approval. Until then, there isn't much I can do except trying to save up enough money to live on my own. How do you learn to let go of your need for approval and validation from your parents? [/QUOTE]
I hate to break it down to you, but you may be on the road to destroying yourself with this obsession.
Let's take a look at the facts. You have ad/hd. You cannot change that. You cannot change your quirks that get on your mother's nerves. They are there whether she thinks they should be or not. Are you on meds? Do you do neurofeedback, or some therapy, something like that? If not, there is nothing that is going to change about your ad/hd. IT IS THERE, IT'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
Loved ones, especially parents who refuse to learn about ad/hd, have a hard time accepting this. They tend to think that YOU CAN CHANGE IF YOU JUST TRY/PUT SOME EFFORT INTO IT. THIS IS NOT TRUE! AD/HDers need HELP in order to get there symptoms under control. IT IS NOT JUST A MATTER OF "WILL-POWER" ON THE PART OF THE AD/HDER....WE SHOULD ALL WISH THAT IT WAS JUST THAT SIMPLE!!
SHE HAS TO LEARN TO LOVE YOU AND ACCEPT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. She needs to understand this disorder, and understand that this does NOT...--I REPEAT, DOES NOT make you a bad person, or inconsiderate, or any of the other negative things that she has made you believe about yourself.
Now, if your mother is an unwilling, unmoving individual that WILL NOT COME TO LEARN ABOUT YOUR AD/HD AND ACCEPT IT, then she is going to keep believing that 'you can change if you just want to'...She is going to keep drilling it in your head, every single day, that you are "lazy, selfish, inconsiderate", and that the reason why you won't change is simply because you just don't want to, and so forth and so on until you start to believe it. THIS IS SELF DESTRUCTIVE TO YOU. It is unhealthy for you to be in this situation.
It is hard trying to learn that you DON'T NEED YOUR PARENT'S APPROVAL. Lot's of times, AD/HDer's have never had any one's approval before in their entire life. Teachers would not approve of them, very few friends would approve of them, (friends tend to come and go, or some of us don't have any good friends at all,) and the last resort is to have your parent's approval. TO SOME YOUNG AD/HDERS, IF THEY DON'T HAVE THEIR PARENTS APPROVAL, THEN THEY FEEL LIKE THERE IS NOTHING ELSE IN LIFE TO LIVE FOR. WHO ELSE'S APPROVAL IS THERE TO HAVE? YOU START TO FEEL LIKE THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD FEELS THAT YOU ARE JUST "WRONG"--AND YOU FEEL REJECTED BY THE ENTIRE WORLD. So to some, it becomes detrimental to win over their parent's approval, no matter what it takes. Again, I know this BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN THERE.
This is compounded, (i'm willing to bet in your case, also) by the fact that most ad/hders desperately NEED their parents. We have a rough time getting on our feet when we are just starting off. This means we may take longer to be willing to "leave the nest", or we may end up needing to go back home to live with our parents once, twice, or even more times before we have learned to be stable enough to live on our own without help...(yes, for me AND my husband, we had to go back and live with my parents 2 times...) WE GO TO THEM DOWNHEARTENED, AND EMBARRASSED FOR FAILING IN THE FIRST (OR SECOND) PLACE, AND FEELING LIKE A BURDEN FOR HAVING TO COME BACK TO LIVE WITH THEM, THE LAST THING WE NEED IS THEM COMING TO US TELLING US THAT WE ARE "BAD PEOPLE, WHO COULD CHANGE IF WE JUST WANTED TO". But we tend to start believing them because we so desperately still need their help.
It is going to be very difficult, if not impossible, for you to learn that you don't need your mother's approval while you are still living with her. Take your time, save your money up good, and move out. TRUST ME, THIS WILL MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE ON YOUR OUTLOOK!! BEING ON YOUR OWN VERSUS LIVING WITH YOUR MOM IS GOING TO BE THE SAME ALMOST LIKE NIGHT AND DAY! I KNOW!
While you are saving up your money, look into non-expensive ways to treat your ad/hd yourself. You don't have to discuss this with her, just surf the net, or check out some mental health clinics in your area, that charge a discounted rate for their services. PUT FOR ANY EFFORT TO TREAT YOUR AD/HD, this will GREATLY EXPEDITE your quest to move out on your own.. ALSO, IF YOU FIND A GOOD TREATMENT, YOUR MOTHER MAY EVEN NOTICE, AND THIS MAY POSSIBLY OPEN HER MIND TO YOUR AD/HD. but don't bet on it.
As long as you are in her house, and she is unwilling to open a book on ad/hd and learn, and unwilling to come to understand you, and unwilling to check out some sort of family counseling, then you are going to be miserable...
I believe you can do it!! I HAVE BEEN SO IN YOUR SITUATION, AND THIS IS WHY I CAN TELL YOU ALL OF THIS!! MOVE OUT! MOVE OUT! MOVE OUT! U CAN DO IT, SCARY GREEN GIANT!! YOU CAN DO IT!!