Advice Needed - Boyfriend Has ADHD | ADHD Information
[quote=Krista86]...
Or, should I tell him I was researching the bipolar issue which he asked me about a week ago and tell him I don't think he has that but then play dumb and ask him if he has ever heard of Adult ADHD?[/quote]
Welcome, Krista....good move coming to this Board to seek advice. You asked for it, and watch out....you're going to get it. I agree with both bcgirl and chocoholic and their replies.
I think that seems like a good plan...mentioning to him "it doesn't sound like bi-polar, but had he ever heard of Adult ADHD?"
And if this appears to be something he cannot converse with you about, then I agree with the others, that you may need to make a serious decision. In my opinion, communication is foremost in a relationship, and without it, may be ill-fated, but certainly hope not since you do care for him so much.GypsyWomyn38449.5207175926Hello -
I have an awkward situation here. My current boyfriend of 6
months has ADHD however we have never discussed it. He has
actually never even told me he has it. I will give a little
background info first. Steve(my boyfriend) used to be best
friends with my cousin Jason a few years ago. Jason had asked
Steve if he knew where he could get any Ritalin(it does the opposite to
Jason, revs him up I guess) and Steve said that he had some, that he
was prescribed Ritalin. He then told him he had ADHD and took it
so he could concentrate in school. Steve has never shared this
information with me for some reason - I think he may feel ashamed and
embarassed about it and even may think he does not have it
anymore. Well, the past 6 months of our romantic relationship
have been extremely rough. I love him to death and at times he is
just the perfect boyfriend. But at other times, he is a nightmare
to deal with. He will get SO mad at the most minor things and
make me feel horrible. He gets so upset when I want to spend time
with my friends and I find myself walking on eggshells around him and
even giving up some of my happiness to try and make him happy.
About a week ago, he told me he doesn't know what is wrong with him and
why he is so mean to me at times, and he asked me if I thought he was
bipolar. I have been researching it a lot and I am convinced he
is not bipolar - it just doesn't meet up with him. However
through my research I have found that all of the descriptions and
symptons of Adult ADHD describe him to a tee. And with him having
it as a child I am pretty convinced that he still has it. There
are so many times when I will be talking to him and he just zones out
and is paying attention to something other than me but I know he does
not do it on purpose. When I spoke with my cousin Jason who used
to be friends with Steve when he was on Ritalin - he told me he was a
completely different person on the meds. However, I think that
Steve is not very educated on ADHD and I don't even know if he is aware
that adults can continue on with this.
So, what in the world do I do?
I want so bad to help him and I know it would make our relationship SO
much healthier. He knows there is a problem, but I mean, I am not
the type of person to just be like "Okay, I think you have Adult ADHD
and need to speak to a doctor". I don't want to hurt him in any
way and he takes things so personally, it's a tough situation. Is
there any suggestions or advice that anybody could give me?
Should I just keep my mouth shut and stick it out? I want to be
with him so bad but a lot of the time I am the one ending up hurt
because of these issues. Or, should I tell him I was
researching the bipolar issue which he asked me about a week ago and
tell him I don't think he has that but then play dumb and ask him if he
has ever heard of Adult ADHD?
BTW, Steve is currently 22 years old. He was on Ritalin when he was about 19.
Please help!
Hi Krista. Please
don't sit back and do nothing! I was in a verbally abusive relationship
for 4 years, and trust me, it doesn't get better just by wishing it so.
Your bf sounds a lot like what mine was like - he was very possessive
and didn't want me going out with friends. He made me feel horrible
over the smallest things, and called me names like "stupid" and
"selfish". I felt like I was on eggshells around him all the time.
ADD does not "go away" with adulthood. Some adults develop coping
methods by the time they are out of school, and seem like they don't
have it anymore, but it never truly goes away.
It sounds to me like your bf not only has ADD, but he also has many
secondary issues such as depression and poor self-esteem, things that
often go hand-in-hand with ADD. These things may EXPLAIN his behaviour, but they are not an EXCUSE
for his treating you like crap. ADD does not make you completely unable
to be accountable for your actions, nor does it give you free reign to
be a supreme ass.
You must talk to him. Or talk to someone else close to him, if
possible, like a parent or close friend. But he is an adult - the best
you can do is inform him, then HE must CHOOSE to help HIMSELF.
If he refuses to see this, you may have a difficult decision to make.
You have only been together 6 months, and as harsh as it sounds, I
would not stick around with someone who made me feel horrible every
time the smallest little thing goes wrong. This is nothing against you
- he needs to sort himself out before he can fully commit himself to a
serious relationship. If he refuses to help himself, trust me, this
will be the best thing for both of you.
bcgirl197838449.4474421296Wow - thank you so much for all the advice! I was scared nobody would reply to my message.
I think I am going to just in a nice way talk to him about it.
The thing that makes it so hard is I know that I really should not
being doing this to myself but I see so much potential in him AND our
relationship. He is such a great person but it is like these
traits just take over him and he will be a totally different
person. I know that if he doesn't overcome this he will never be
able to have a healthy relationship and I know for sure he will have a
hard time finding another girl to put up with half of the stuff I
do. But the thing is, he KNOWS that I put up with a lot - he
admits it. He's admitted that there is a problem and that the
problem is his own personal one. It's just neither of us have
identified the problem.
Thank you so much for your insight everyone! I appreciate it. This has not been an easy situation to be in!
I agree with BCGirl- yes, he does need to get some help because it really sounds like he's struggling. Its nice that you wish to help him. You sound like a very caring person!
BUT, you also sound like you are letting him treat you badly, and that is completely inappropriate. You shouldnt give up your happiness to make him happy. People who ask you to stop seeing friends or start becoming angry at little details are not people who are capable of being in a healthy relationship. Maybe one day he will be, but not right now. I have been in more than one relationship with a guy like that, and believe me, if he realizes he can emotionally manipulate you, he will.
Please recognize that although he is struggling and needs help, it shouldnt be at the expense of your emotional health.